What to do about a guy who hits/intimidates

[Seasoned]

What's with the smacking? This could escalate quickly when angry or drunk. Seek help with anger management if your behavior is a problem for yourself or others.

 

[lunarus]

You hit me once it is over...

I was raised in an abusive household and detest physical violence.

If you care about someone you should never raise you hand in violence against them, no matter how frustrated they make you.

It is one thing to goof off and play hit or rough house, but what these men/man may see in you something totally different when you do it.

I have been in a 20 + year relationship and my man has never raised a hand to me. He was also raised in an abusive home.

Why do you feel the need to hit when you get frustrated? Is it because you find it hard to articulate how you really feel. You cannot expect someone you scared off with violent tendencies to talk to you when you yourself use other means to communicate.

Just my two pennies.

Oh and a word of advice, if you don't change the way you interact with the men you date, you might find that one day one of them will seriously kick you ass for hitting him and you will only have yourself to blame...

Lunar

 

[justsimon]

Second, i know you shouldn't put your hands on anyone, but is even a little smack really worth breaking up with someone?

Yes and it has nothing to do with your size or whether or not it hurts. I'd break up with a girl if she hit me, too.

 

[Críostóir]

Whoever moved this thread has issues. Maybe they get beaten.

Or maybe they know it's a Relationship topic? And they want it in the no-flame zone to keep you from getting flamed by people who've been on the person-hit side in abusive relationships.

 

[Magician]

HWT, I'm not really sure what kind of answer you're looking for from this thread. I feel as though everybody has been saying the same thing - don't hit, see a counselor, and if this many people are threatened by your hitting, there is probably an actual problem.

Consistently, you kind of just shrug it off, and insist "Oh, it's just a little hit!" This suggests that your perception of what denotes improper violence in the context of a relationshp is off, and that you need to see a therapist for it, and yes, if you actually want to fix the problem, you'll have to talk about your relationships openly too.

 

[Críostóir]

HWT, what kind of house did you grow up in?

I'm asking because I grew up in a house where people hit each other all the time, and it was considered no big deal, and I think you might have too, because you don't seem to quite believe we're all serious when we say that NO hitting (at least in anger) is allowed AT ALL, no matter how little it hurts or how tough the guy on the receiving end is.

This is because of what the hitting says about the dominance relationship between the two people. If you can't relate as an equal, you shouldn't be in a relationship at all (unless the person is a sub and has told you so, and you want to play everything that goes with that). When you hit someone, you're saying you're the boss and they're not. That destroys relationships.

There's also the fact that these things tend to escalate, with time, alcohol, or both. A little hit sober in the first weeks of a relationship can become a life-threatening pounding when you're drunk and it's been two years.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking YOU would never do that, and that YOU know where the boundaries are and would never cross that line.

The trouble is, you're wrong. If you don't have control of your anger (and you don't), the force with which you express that anger will only escalate. And before you know it you'll be doing things that you now think only an abusive monster would do.

You need to stop that process, and right away.

 

[IllgetyouHackman]

Maybe get help and be lucky you're not being arrested for assault and battery?

 

[aneal_lingus]

play tapping from a friend is cute when done once in a while. but if they do it often it would seem like a sign of violence.

you seem to like to play that way, which isn't too bad when you can control it. try not doing it so often.

and when it comes to wrestling, you know your a big guy. let the little guy win. allowing yourself to be dominated in that situation helps the other person see that you can be vulnerable even though you obviously do not have too. it makes it easier to relate to you on a personal level.

[kinda like when you have a baby cousin/nephew who likes to play ninja. you don't kick his ass because he's going to cry. you play back and let him win because you know it'll make him happy, he'll laugh, and he'll like you more.]

 

[rareboy]

Whoever moved this thread has issues. Maybe they get beaten.

No.

Maybe they realized that the topic is explosive and that it isn't really a Hot Topic in any shape or form.

Or did you just post it there to see what kind of an explosion it would cause?

 

[BINOWGAYLATER]

If you need another bumper sticker --

A CLOSED FIST doesn't make you any more of a MAN - than a CLOSED MIND !

 

[erobert]

Good points, especially about what the other guy thinks/feels/sees. That is really my issue. Somehow I am being seen as something I am not.

The wrestling was really nothing. We were on a bed being playful and he is really competitive so I just pinned him to the bed. Didn't throw him or anything. (One of my issues with guys in general is that they don't talk. He never said what the problem was.)

I have been told by my friends that I hit too hard so I try not to. That is why I smack instead of punch, but even the last friend I smacked gave me a dirty look.

I've put the parts in bold that are red flags to me. You should never "smack" anyone. It doesn't matter if they are a guy- nobody likes to be "smacked." Domestic violence is domestic violence no matter what the sexuality of the couple is.

Please seek help from a GLBT freindly therapist because it sounds like you have an bad temper (caused by things which you need to get to the root cause and resolve asap) and you're temper is easily triggered. This abusive behavior can result in an assault and battery charge- or worse.

 

[Hot White Trash]

HWT, what kind of house did you grow up in?

I'm asking because I grew up in a house where people hit each other all the time, and it was considered no big deal, and I think you might have too, because you don't seem to quite believe we're all serious when we say that NO hitting (at least in anger) is allowed AT ALL, no matter how little it hurts or how tough the guy on the receiving end is.

This is because of what the hitting says about the dominance relationship between the two people. If you can't relate as an equal, you shouldn't be in a relationship at all (unless the person is a sub and has told you so, and you want to play everything that goes with that). When you hit someone, you're saying you're the boss and they're not. That destroys relationships.

There's also the fact that these things tend to escalate, with time, alcohol, or both. A little hit sober in the first weeks of a relationship can become a life-threatening pounding when you're drunk and it's been two years.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking YOU would never do that, and that YOU know where the boundaries are and would never cross that line.

The trouble is, you're wrong. If you don't have control of your anger (and you don't), the force with which you express that anger will only escalate. And before you know it you'll be doing things that you now think only an abusive monster would do.

You need to stop that process, and right away.

Yeah, there is a lot of fighting in our house. My father drinks and he is violent, but I think my mom is worse. And they both used to beat us until we got older. I stopped my mother from hitting my younger brothers - I was upstairs in my room one day and I heard my brother, who was probably not even 10 yet, screaming. When I came running my mother was hitting him with her fists. I told her I'd kill her if she ever hit him again. And she hasn't.

But that is no excuse for me. I am trying to stop. And yes it can and has escalated before.

Boy, I really did not know what I was doing to myself when I opened this can of worms. Travisien asked earlier whether I was repressing something and I thought not, but when I remembered what my mother did to my brother I got angry all over again. To be honest, I think I sometimes regret not killing my parents. That is what is inside me. I'd never do it now because we are all able to take care of ourselves, but I wish I had ended it sooner.

 

[Críostóir]

Yeah, there is a lot of fighting in our house. My father drinks and he is violent, but I think my mom is worse. And they both used to beat us until we got older. I stopped my mother from hitting my younger brothers - I was upstairs in my room one day and I heard my brother, who was probably not even 10 yet, screaming. When I came running my mother was hitting him with her fists. I told her I'd kill her if she ever hit him again. And she hasn't.

But that is no excuse for me. I am trying to stop. And yes it can and has escalated before.

Boy, I really did not know what I was doing to myself when I opened this can of worms. Travisien asked earlier whether I was repressing something and I thought not, but when I remembered what my mother did to my brother I got angry all over again. To be honest, I think I sometimes regret not killing my parents. That is what is inside me. I'd never do it now because we are all able to take care of ourselves, but I wish I had ended it sooner.

See, that's why so many people have told you you need therapy. You can't go on hitting people, whether you "just smack them" or "smack them too hard." In most areas you can find free or very low-cost therapy. I'd start by finding a GLBT organization and asking for a referral.

It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help when you need it. It's a sign of strength of character. With a background like yours you're used to relying on yourself and it's hard to be dependent on someone else. But you won't be dependent on your therapist; he (and I'm convinced that you need a male therapist) is someone you contract with to help you with a specific issue.

You're carrying this well of anger inside you, and it's already poisoning your relationships. The sooner you start to deal with it, the sooner you can have a happier life.

Having been through this myself (not so much the hitting, but the huge well of anger), I know it's not easy or quick; but I wish you the very best of luck in the work.

 

[DeMan06]

He still went out with me until we had a little fight and I smacked him.

If you're hitting someone while having a verbal argument then I hate to break it to you, it is in no way playful. If it had been me I would've been out the door, no discussion, no apologies accepted.

If while having an argument your reaction is to physically hit someone then yes, you need to seek help. That is not okay.... ever.

 

[asu1117]

Yeah, there is a lot of fighting in our house. My father drinks and he is violent, but I think my mom is worse. And they both used to beat us until we got older. I stopped my mother from hitting my younger brothers - I was upstairs in my room one day and I heard my brother, who was probably not even 10 yet, screaming. When I came running my mother was hitting him with her fists. I told her I'd kill her if she ever hit him again. And she hasn't.

But that is no excuse for me. I am trying to stop. And yes it can and has escalated before.

Boy, I really did not know what I was doing to myself when I opened this can of worms. Travisien asked earlier whether I was repressing something and I thought not, but when I remembered what my mother did to my brother I got angry all over again. To be honest, I think I sometimes regret not killing my parents. That is what is inside me. I'd never do it now because we are all able to take care of ourselves, but I wish I had ended it sooner.

There are two paths for those who were abused. One is to deviate from what you were exposed to and become the opposite, a person that would never intentionally hurt someone else, especially out of anger. Option two is to repeat the pattern of abuse, which doesn't necessarily mean you are exactly like your abuser (in the ways that they were), this can be any kind of abuse (physical, mental, sexual).

My point is, you have a choice. You can either get help so that you can overcome what has happened to you and be a better person for it or you can let this pattern continue and only become worse over time. This is not an easy thing to do, but it's something you have to be conscious about or it can overtake you easily.

You said previously that you didn't get anything out of therapy, well that's probably because you went in with reserves. Therapy is only effective if you are completely open. You don't have to be at the very beginning, but you need to have that as a goal. Because if you can't learn to trust your therapist and be truly honest with them it won't help you. It took me about a year to really realize this and trust me, things go so much more smoothly once you're open.

I say all of this from an objective point of view as well as a personal one. I've studied a good bit of Psychology, not saying at all that i'm an expert yet, but know a bit. I was also beaten and abused until I was sixteen. Which means it only stopped four years ago (though it feels much longer than that now). And had i not been seeing a Psychologist for the past five years, I would be a very, very angry, violent person right now. I am still working on things though, I do still have anger issues, but they are much more under control than if I hadn't sought out help.

Good luck man.

 

[rareboy]

Hey White Trash.

Have you searched out professional counselling assistance yet?

 

[DaniksBubu]

Second, i know you shouldn't put your hands on anyone, but is even a little smack really worth breaking up with someone?

Fuck... Yes. It doesn't matter how heated an arguement gets. That is a relationship ender.

 

[tonyboy]

It's called assault man.

You hit or slap someone when not proviked, well they can put you in jail..

Doesn't seem that your size is too big.. I mean you are not huge.. but perhaps you are muscular.. I don't know.

Not a good thing to go slapping nor hitting people..

 

[palemale]

Travisien asked earlier whether I was repressing something and I thought not, but when I remembered what my mother did to my brother I got angry all over again.

Think about how your brother felt when your mother was beating him. Your bf who you smacked probably had some of those same feelings when you smacked him.

Get your life together and your anger under control. Then help your younger siblings get out of your parents' house as soon as possible. Indeed, you should tell your parents that if they hit your siblings again, you will report them to the police. And do it if it happens again. I had a relative who was abused by her husband. Was on the phone with her once and the husband started to hit her. I hung up and called the police. He spent the night in jail and never hit her again.