What to do about my boy....

[LIGuy0679]

Ok im new to this board so im hoping this was a good place to go. what ive read so far seems like good advice so ill give it a shot.Anyone here ever date a completely closeted guy? I just recently started coming out this year (im 31) and hes 24, not out to anyone AT ALL. it was ok at first---the sex was (and still is) great but it seems like we spend most of our time in my apt having sex or just hanging here. we rarely go out and if we do we need to travel a bit cause hes SO paranoid (were both completely masculine guys and anyone who sees us would never think anything of it but hes paranoid nonetheless). its even to the point where he wont even meet any of my gay friends. im at my wits end. i love him and care about him (not yet IN love but i care about him a lot and have very strong feelings for him) and he says he feels the same but it seems like were getting nowhere. he says hes not ready for any of that which i respect but im kinda getting frustrated and whats worse is im starting to find myself interested in other guys and i feel SO guilty about it. anyone ever go through somerhing like this and how did u handle it? weve talked about this a few times and we just seem to get nowhere. any ideas??

thanks

 

[altlover85]

I've not been through it, but I would say keep your options open and don't feel guilty. If he's not willing to be open about your relationship then what kind of relationship do you really have?

 

[Lube]

You're a smart guy, LIGuy. You've described exactly what the problem is with dating a closeted guy, and why it usually doesn't work out.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. :-(

 

[Seasoned]

I've heard of relationships breaking up over this issue. My guess is that it's internalized homophobia that is keeping him so closeted, leaving you in the role of fuck buddy. Nothing wrong with that if your both in agreement, but, if not, it's like dating someone who's cheating. Not everyone is geared up to do that forever especially when things are more open in general terms.

He shouldn't be pushed and you ought not be frustrated in your own desire to be self accepting. My guess is that life could be difficult with him for a long, long time.

I wish you and your bud all the best. Life without paranoia is great!

 

[JasunStrikesBack]

If it were me... sorry, i'd go nuts.

I just don't have the mental capacity to spend my life worrying about what other people say or think about me. I just don't feel the need to live on someone else's terms.

As much as you care for him, you're ready to take your relationship past the "all sexual" phase and let it go somewhere else. He's clearly not ready for that in his own life, let alone yours.

It sounds to me like you're at an impasse, and you're going to have to move on and find someone who's willing to be with you and not just when nobody else is looking.

Cuz right now, he cares more about what other people think than he cares about you.

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, what is preventing your boyfriend from being more open and out?

And while we're at it- what was it that kept you from coming out until age 31?

 

[hylas]

i wish i could be more helpful, but all i can say is that i would never date a closeted guy. not just for the practical reasons you describe, but also for everything his closeted behaviour implies - that hes ashamed of being with me, that hes not willing to stand by my side, that he cares more about what other people think than about our love.

i guess you could try to be a good influence on him, help him coming out himself. but if him being in your life is holding you back, maybe you should ditch him. if you do so, be clear about why youre leaving. he needs to learn that staying in the closet is not an option for anybody planning on leading a happy life.

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

Relationships all involve compromise of some sort. Usually, the compromises are of the exceptionally minor sort - I want to eat at the Mexican place, he wants to eat Italian, we figure out who really wants it more, and the other guy chooses next time. You know, simple stuff like that. But there are other compromises that take a lot more work. And you've found one of the biggest.

You've basically agreed to his terms for now. You can meet at the apartment and fuck like bunnies, but you can't be seen in public, pretty much at all. And that's no longer working for you. So it's time to let him know where you stand. "I do like you a lot. But you being this closeted is starting to cause some major problems. The sex is great, but I think I want more than somebody to have sex with. I want to do other things. I want to go out and enjoy your company somewhere besides the apartment, and without making it seem like some sort of covert operation. I understand your fear - I was there not that long ago. But frankly, straight guys go out all the time. They have dinner, they go to movies, they go to sporting events, all that. If we run into somebody you know, you can introduce me as 'your friend', and I wouldn't be offended in the slightest. Is this something we could start working towards?" If he says he's scared but perhaps willing to try, then sure - start working towards making him comfortable with that, by bringing your "outside dates" closer and closer to home. If he gets angry, and screams about little you care about HIS needs, and how HIS life will be over if anybody ever finds out...well, you've found his line. The one he won't cross. He'll fuck you in the apartment, he'll date you 100 miles away, but that's it. It ain't changing. Up to you if that's how you want to live. But I'd start looking elsewhere if that happens.

Lex

 

[LIGuy0679]

Thanks to everyone---a lot of good advice. Actually most of it was what I kinda already knew but was afraid to really face. I actually spent over an hour on the phone with a good friend last night and he told me much of the same. I guess the time has come to have the "shit or get off the pot" talk with him. I'm just terrified of how its gonna turn out. But again thanks to everyone for all the input. Ill keep ya posted if anyones interested as to how it turns out.

 

[backpacker]

While you care about each other, it sounds like you are just at different points in your life. That happens all the time in both gay and straight relationships. You have spent too many years in the closet and are ready to enjoy the freedom associated with being out. I don't think your requests are unreasonable, but apparently they are something that he isn't ready to deal with. Apparently this is an issue and I can't imagine either of you being happy if things continue the way they are. Maybe the best thing for both of you is to remain friends and pursue other guys. I don't think you should put your life on hold waiting for him to come out.

 

[Croynan]

please do keep us posted as to how things work out.

eM.

 

[Just_Believe18]

It's as the saying goes, "Before you can love anyone, you must love yourself."

He doesn't love himself because he is scared of himself and what other people think. Naturally, this affects how he loves you, or the lack thereof if he's keeping you cooped up in your apartment all day. There's more to a relationship than being in a guy's bed all the time.

 

[asu1117]

Sad as it is, this relationship is pretty much doomed to fail. You just can't base a relationship on smoke and mirrors. You need to be able to interact outside of "hiding".

Also, I find it derogatory that you referred to him as "my boy" in the title of this thread.

 

[Harker]

I've not been through it, but I would say keep your options open and don't feel guilty. If he's not willing to be open about your relationship then what kind of relationship do you really have?

I've been on both sides. I came out during a relationship because I had both reached that point in my life and I didn't want to be ashamed of my relationship in any way. It's hard to do, and to each his own, but I think in these situations you both have to be honest with each other- about how being/not being out effects both of you and your relationship.

 

[Echoes]

I've been in your shoes and I guess I know what it feels like. what I did doesn't have to be what you'll do but I broke up and I'm sure it was for the best.
You should talk to him and give him a chance to order his priorities and see where you get placed. You said you got the feeling you were getting nowhere, so if that happens again I advise you to move on.

it usually doesn't work and it never did for me.

best of luck.

 

[naughtyeddie]

you said you just came out, so you should understand about being in the closet

you have to respect his choice to remain in the closet and what comes with it. his choice and the dynamics of what comes with that should be treated as a characteristic of the guy and the relationship. if it is unworkable it is the same as if he was a smoker or any deal-breaking characteristic.

i am very much in the closet but am bisexual and thus do not have romantic relationships with guys just friends who enjoy each others company. for that reason all of the best lovers i have had are no longer involved sexually with me as they are looking for more than i can give but we are still friends and chat on line. some have bf now and i am glad for them