What to do?

[Eagle653]

Hi newbieforu, welcome to JUB and to this forum. Glad you're here!

Wow, that's quite a story. I'm sorry wires got crossed in your communication with him such that he got away somehow. But, looking back, it's hard to figure out how you could logically have done things any differently. That still doesn't stop us from wishing we could turn back the clock. I think the camming thing would have been the biggest clue, though; straight guys don't beg other guys to get connected, nor show off at all. But, perhaps that was even innocent enough, with all other things taken together.

How close in proximity are you to this guy? Is a real-time/live relationship possible?

If so, then you have two choices. One, you can forget him and chalk it up to bad luck and bad timing. Or, two, you can have a heart-to-heart with him and tell him how you feel. Perhaps he feels more strongly toward you than he does his bf--given that that relationship is so new. If he says no--he's taken--then you'll need to accept that and move on. Carrying on an Internet relationship with him at that point would be odd for him to do (put yourself in his bf's shoes) and painful/awkward for you.

Good luck, and let us know what happens.

 

[puka-pride]

its just the internet man.. i know its hard. u can meet great guys... but they probably live too far away... you can tell him if you want to.. but unless you live close enough to eachother that you can date in real life there really is no point in it... move on.. find yourself a real man... save yourself the hurt from realising it would never work out with him

 

[spreadeagle]

Face facts.

You have never had sex with this man and he has a boyfriend - whatever you might have imagined or fantasised about the past he's not available to you now.

Nor was he available to you in the past. You're beating yourself up about the fact that you lost the chance to be there when he went through that coming-out process, but you're forgetting that you had decided to ignore him because he was (dishonestly) presenting himself to you as straight.

Both when he presented himself as straight, and now when he presents to you as gay he has always been careful to show that he is unavailable for relationship with you. This goes for the cam-shows too = look but don't touch, the behaviour opf a cock-tease.

If you want to have a relationship with another man then far better to choose one who is at least within kissing distance.

 

[trawler69]

He obviously likes you a lot and you like him too. So why not keep up your friendship while leading your own lives, he found a boyfriend but still wants to keep your friendship, why don't you do the same. Just because one has a boyfriend doesn't exclude everyone else and it can be good to know there is someone you can turn to for help or advice in the same way that you, me and the other Jubbers use this space. I'd actualy consider posting him a link to this thread to explain your feelings. I'm sure you would get a positive response.

 

[tallguy297]

G'day Newbie,

There is one thing in life you will never get enough of...good freinds - people you can be honest, open and up front with. Freinds that you can trust with anything. Real deep committed freinds. It sounds to me that you have found one here. And he feels the same way about you - he wanted you to help him with his decisions and that means he feels that trust with you. It matters not whether or not this is an internet freindship or a next door freindship. Above all things my advice is the cherish and nuture this freindship in whatever form it takes.

So....do you tell him? Do you try and progress this???? Part of the reason you feel the way you do is because of the freindship...and you also feel you let him down. Somehow you need to seperate that guilt and see this for what it is...15 hours is a huge barrier...the guy has a bf...and you really dont kow how he feels....

Take it slow mate...very. You have a long long time to figure out whether or not this is the guy for you...dont rush it or break it. In time with broken relationships you'll learn to place so much value on the freinds that will be there all the time then those partners who come and go....confide in each other, trust in each other and grow with each other as freinds - let the future sort itself out.

 

[confusedboy23]

Sounds all too familiar to me. I've fallen in love not too long ago with someone over the net and we were together for a bit before he broke it off because of my issues. We were not as far as the both of you are, we're less than an hour away from each other.

I've never even believed in internet friendships, let alone a relationship but this just happened out of the blue, unexpectedly. We chatted for ages day in day out, would meet up whenever we can and bla bla bla. The point is, I've never regretted being honest with him about my feelings and what I was going through - I was still very confused with my sexuality. Although we are not together, it is satisfying to know that there has been mutual love and affection. To me, it would have been silly to hide it.

I guess here I'm saying maybe you should be honest with him. I'm not sure if he knows of your feelings and whilst yes, he has a boyfriend already (I'm not sure if he had him already while you were both still chatting and stuff) but I think he deserves to know too. I'm not saying that you will end up together but if you clear the air, it might be easier for you to move on.

Moving on for me was horrid, I broke off communication with this guy and when he realised something amiss, he contacted me and I told him the truth why I was ignoring him and not being in touch with him. I needed space to recover and that is what you should probably do too. I have to admit that whilst I still sometimes crave and miss him, I think I have been able to make more sense out of this mess from the time stayed away from him. You can never stop loving someone, I believe that it is only the dynamics of that love that changes over time.

 

[screwnutty]

Okay. This is going to break ever rule in my book (since the guy has a boyfriend) but I feel that you should do this..... or rather I suggest you do this!

TELL HIM. You love him and he loves you...nobody but nobody talks to somebody 3 times a day without having feelings for them. He bared his soul to you. That night you describe about him feeling sick and stuff.....whoa did that bring back memories! The same thing happened to me....I was fighting it for sooo long that it was like a damn holding back a river....once I cracked....there was no stopping it. so yeah....Tell him. You can't walk away...otherwise you'll spend the rest of your life wondering if you did the right thing! So just TELL HIM! The worst that will happen is he will say gee thanks but I have a boyfriend or I don't feel that way about you. It will hurt and it will suck badly...but it will set you free.

so tell him.....asap.

Good luck to you!

 

[slobone]

I don't see trying to break up his relationship as a very good choice. Even when that works, it's sure to leave bad feelings with him. It's not a great way to start a new relationship.

So your only real choice is to stay in contact but pretend you're only interested in being friends. Don't even bring up the possibility of anything sexual. At some point he may break up with his bf and you'll be there.

This could be emotionally difficult for you, though. If you don't think you can handle it, cut back your contact with him to "pilot light". Don't cut him off completely, but keep your messages brief and less frequent.

And yeah, hopefully you've learned something from this. Never let yourself fall in love with somebody you haven't met yet!

 

[screwnutty]

screwnutty, I appreciate the comments because I can clearly see you understand the situation. I cant put into words what he means and how he has taken me back. I never thought that would be possible.

No problem man! I'm just here to help. I been where you've been. I've faced this before. So if any of my experience can be helpful to you, then I'm grateful to be useful to somebody!

take care man and good luck to you!

 

[kurtwild]

you have to do exactly what your heart tells you to!

if you want to keep the frienship with him then do it and if you want him to be your boyfriend then just try to tell him so.

life is very short and there is no time! said the beatles.

 

[spreadeagle]

yeah - I think there was a lot of projection on your part with regard to this 'relationship'.

Words - especially written words - are a very unreliable means of communication; they are very open to inaccurate representation and misinterpretation. A large percentage of internet communication consists of written words.

Over the last 50 years there has been a lot of critical interest in what the reader brings to the text; it is generally accepted that no two people can read the same text because each brings different life experience to it and we can only interpret words in the light of our own experience.

You need to take responsibility for your own feelings. You weren't stabbed in the heart. Perhaps you'll learn something useful from this experience.

 

[screwnutty]

That is not it.

I read his emotions right, there is no doubt about that.

The thing is, he used me until he needed me, then he got what he wanted in his real life, and of course that was more real to him than this.

I can totally see that and its the reason I dont like internet relations of any kind, but it does not mean that he didn't feel the same things that I am telling you. I am telling you he did, until he found the same in his real life.

First off Newbieforu, I am sorry...I feel alittle responsible because I told you to tell him. Second thing is I don't know if these other guys understand but I do and yes he was totally using you. Same thing happen to me...except he used me until he found his girlfriend (an actual girlfriend...his first) then he told me that he was just using me cause he was afraid that he would never get one and that yeah he liked me but not in that way.

There's nothing left to talk about with him. Tell him that too. Then walk away...the pain will stop hurting over time....but it really never goes away. I am so sorry that it had to end this way for you.

 

[kurtwild]

so you mean that he wanted you really in the beginning but then changed cos he found a boyfriend?and then he just told you that he was using you all this time?

if he did so hi is stupid!

but it seems not logical to me that he changed that easy!maybe he was hurt cos you werent answering to his messages and thatswhy he behaves like that.

 

[kurtwild]

well i guess then screwnutty is right.but it still seems wierd to me that someone is sending you messages that his stomach hurts or things like that and then sudenly dosent even know you.

i guess you just have to forget him,if he bahaved like that.i would never do that to anyone i would meet.

i hope you ll soon get totally over it.

good luck!

 

[screwnutty]

No, actually, THANK YOU.

You know what, I was very shocked right after it happened and deadly sad..but you know what, a day has passed, and I dont feel bad at all. I feel I did the right thing and I got the answers that I needed.

Thank you again, if it wasn't for you, I'd be still killing myself over this.

I honestly thought it be a long long time till I got better if it didnt work out, but amazingly, I feel quite good.

Thank you....you put a smile on this old man's face (i'm 31 so compared to your age, I'm an old man! )

Glad I was of help!

 

[screwnutty]

well i guess then screwnutty is right.but it still seems wierd to me that someone is sending you messages that his stomach hurts or things like that and then sudenly dosent even know you.

i guess you just have to forget him,if he bahaved like that.i would never do that to anyone i would meet.

i hope you ll soon get totally over it.

good luck!

Unfortunely Kurtwild, there are ppl that do just that. They see you as a stepping stone to obtain there goals. They do it in wallstreet....they did it in the movie "aliens" so why not do it in the game of love. I've experienced this thing before...it wasn't over the internet...it was in real life....and he suddenly didn't even care about me after he found his first girlfriend. To think how I was used....still burns my ass to this day! But I like to think that Karma will get him in the end. We were Best Friends....BEST FRIENDS and as they say...Lovers come and go, but friends stay together forever (mostly true! ) wonder who he's going to hang out with for a best friend when they break up? Unless he marries her....who knows...who cares!

 

[screwnutty]

I'm sorry what happened to you screwnutty.

Thanks but I think things happen to us for a reason..and if that never happened to me...I would not have been able to help you! so it's all good!