What to do?

[190E]

I'm not really sure if this goes here, or not, but I need to vent, hardcore. I just cant take it anymore, I miss my ex so much and I just want to be with him and hold him and grow old with him, but I know he doesnt feel the same for me. He wants to be a whore and have sex with every gay person that comes along. He wants to be a fuck buddy with me, but that wont work because the feelings are already there. I hate it, I dont know what to do, I cant go back to him, and I feel alone without him, and I feel empty, and I'm very just down in the dumps.

I broke things off because I felt as if it were becoming detrimental with the lies and deciet, and the threats to my best friend, I couldnt stand it anymore, and he had to go. But I miss those warm night with me in his arms, and him in mine, and the awesome sex, and the good company when behind closed doors, and the companionship.

I know I should hold out, but, even when I've done that, I have always found myself comparing other guys to him, and them never matching up, and that causes a problem. My biggest fear in life is dying alone. I dont want to get to an age or a point in my career where it's not prudent for me to go lookign anymore. In my chosen career path, police work, it's not exactly acceptable to go to gay clubs, or gay events.

I have had so many depression bouts realting to just love in the past year, and I dont know what to do, I am not myself anymore. I've lost weight, cant sleep, and find myself being very lethargic. I just want to get back to the way I was before I met him. I dont want to feel the pain, anger, or angst anymore.

For the past couple of weeks I've been self medicating, alcohol mostly, but I still cant seem to get it to go away. I know, alcohol doesnt solve anything, and I sound stupid, but I dont want to go to friends anymore, it's become a burden.

I am pleading for some type of advice, something anything to help me get these thoughts out of my head, and gone.

 

[M4P]

Hey Buddy

What you're feeling right now is completely normal

Try to remind yourself why you broke off with him and what it is you need in a relationship that he wasn't giving you

It will take time to get over him. Try to keep yourself busy and do some things that you like to do.

I promise things will get better. Hold your head up high and be proud of you

 

[tallguy297]

Hey 190E,

Mate...do me a favour? Pull up on the self medicating thing. Please? You know its not gonna help here...and you risk getting hurt or worse...now matter how bad you think this is thats not make things better.

You've got some amazing principles here 190. Love, trust, honesty, self respect, strength and courage. You've got them in spades mate...thats clear...and thats something truly special and something to be proud of. And your craving for those things in return is absolutely normal and fully justified.

You were wise enough to know that your ex wasnt giving you the respect and love you deserved. His actions are those of someone who doesnt understand your needs and who didnt value what you shared together. That doesnt mean hes wrong...its just that he wants different things to you. But is sure as hell doesnt mean your wrong either mate.

The first thing you gotta do is accept that the way you feel is ok. In fact to me how you feel is admirable. It means you care and have the ability to love. It hurts like crazy now, but thats a testament to you mate...it shows how much you invested here. Those values make you who you are...and there is no need to change them. The pain and the angst make you an open and loving person. They're things to be proud of...they are you. My guess is that thousands of us would give our left arm to find those values in someone.

And then mate...knowing that you are right to feel the way you do...you have to realise that this will most likely never be the same again. This guy is only gonna bring you more pain and hurt. It wont be intentional - hes going about his life now not understanding the affects on you - but because you care so deeply for him, it will. And you have to protect yourself from that...you have to pull away.

Those beautiful moments, the companioniship, even the sex are yours mate. They will be with you forever. They are not lost or broken but they are the way to the future...they show you how to love and care, they show you what you like and want. Dont see them as bad things that are lost...see them as the stepping stones to finding true happiness and the love you deserve.

And your fears of others not matching up will pass, soon you will see others as unwritten chapters that hold their own mystery and values. You have to give yourself a chance to let others in so that they may show you even more about yourself and them.

Only you can do this mate. You have the right to be happy and loved. You deserve to be treated with respect and honesty. But you have to accept that...and want more. Dont do this alone...you are not. Your friends are there...we are there. Dont ever be afraid for help or understanding.

Give yourself the right to be happy - you deserve it.

 

[Homoerectus]

If he really cared for you hee would still be with you. More importantly, if he really cared for you he wouldn't use you as a fuck buddy and endanger your health while having multiple partners. Stop the drinking. Find a hobby, join a gym, run, do something other than drink and cry in your beer. Only you can manage your life.

 

[RicanDAB]

190E,

Dude, I've been through heartache like yours, where you feel you have lost everything and you'll never have that again. Then when you least expect it, someone else comes along and magically helps the healing process along.

It may not happen right away but time heals all wounds and trust me, it's not the end of the world -- you will get over this and you will love again!

 

[190E]

I think that you can all understand it when I say that things are so hard to look into a future that you dont see. I dont see brilliant stars and stripes in my future, I dont see anything making me childishly giddy, and I dont understand why I've lost that excitement for life.

I know that 21 is a young age to be saying things like that, and it's rediculous, i know that, but it doesnt seem rediculous to me. I just dont feel as if I have the time to be spending looking for mr. right again, and I dont have the time to be messing around.

I know I could do what ever I want, whoever I want, and do it whenever I want (I know that sounds selfish, but continue reading please...) but that's not me, I've been shot down so many times in my life time, that the one thing I find that hasnt shot me down, eventually kills all hope I have (if that even makes any sense).

I just really dont know what to do with myself. I've tried getting back into my routine of going to the gym and working on cars and hanging out with friends, but it's redundant and still not filling. It doesnt satisfy me, nor the cravings I have as a person.

I'm looking to you guys to remind me of those, and that's unrealistic, I think. But it's the last place I have to turn.

 

[sixthson]

Friend, your pain is palpable to us. Oh, that we could reach out to you other than in words.

First, I agree with Tallguy that you need to stop the alcohol NOW. Don't add that to your other problems. You already know that, however.

What did he give you? Cuddling, companionship, good sex, a sense of togetherness. All good things. What did he withhold from you? His heart. That is what you wanted the most and he could not or would not give it to you. The problem is, it sounds like you gave your heart to him and he rejected it. The ultimate rejection, consequently the ultimate pain.

You will need to allow yourself to grieve. This is a loss no less real than a death. I don't think you can afford to spend any time with him. You need to put complete distance between you. Even if you feel he will come around, you don't dare wait for it or you will never recover. You need time to heal and it doesn't seem possible with him in your life in any way. Being fuck buddies would only prolong the agony.

The truth is, you are so much better than he. You have so much to offer someone. I can only imagine how scary it must be now.

Words fail us in comforting you. For that I am sorry, but I do wish you all the best. Hang in there. Keep us informed.

 

[KennyD]

As said .. Time heals all wounds ... Just get yourself together and maybe join a club or organization etc in your area ..
MANY of us have been there where you are ... However; Liquor and beer etc are NOT the answere .. they only make you have worse demons .
IF your ex really cared about you ; he wouldn not have put your life in danger with multiple sex partners ..then coming back to you ... I think it is a good thing that you are no longer with this reckless guy ..
Don't worry .. from the sound of things you won't have any trouble getting a guy you can really love and who will ove you ...when the time is right .

 

[NickCole]

I know exactly how you feel and here's my two cents worth.

Read and re-read Tallguy's post. Print it out and read it away from your computer too. It's spot-on and you will be helped by it if you let yourself.

You're in grief right now, you're feeling it especially keenly because you're a sensitive person who's particularly vulnerable to rejection. Time will help heal it but you also have to participate in your own healing.

You've been trying to hold on to the man you love by keeping him alive in your thoughts. At first that's comforting but ultimately it becomes self-destructive. You have to let him go so you can move on. That seems like it'll be catastrophic, and for a moment it feels like it is, but very soon it actually reduces the pain and lets you breathe again as yourself.

It's sad and scary to let go of a love like you had with him, but if you don't you'll destroy yourself and your future. Keep him and what you had together forever in your memory but you must stop keeping him alive in your present.

I can't tell you how to let him go -- each of us has to find our own way. I've done it more than once and each time it was different. But I repeat: read and re-read Tallguy's post. He's wise and he said it well. Take his words to heart and it'll help you find your way.

You're not being ridiculous; you're going through a big transition in your life -- that's never ridiculous. You will be stronger, more mature and a fuller human being for this experience. You will make it through this and be yourself again. And you will love again.

 

[VICTORIADON]

What should you do...
Make yourself some macaroni and cheese and sit down and eat it slowly looking at your aquarium, just concentrate on your aquarium and your fish. After you are done, go out and buy another fish or two for your aquarium so your fish have some new buddies. Add them to their new world and just sit and watch them. See how they interact with their new surroundings.
Ask your Mom to make some chicken and dumplings. These things may sound trivial but they are in your comfort zone so get your ass into your comfort zone, and NO MERCY FUCKS.
( I know that you know that I know what I am talking about) If you have msn messenger live, look me up.

 

[RicanDAB]

Besides being an obviously intelligent guy (from your posts) you're really hot to boot.

Did not realize you had pics in your gallery .. I agree, you're a cutie!! And the way you poured your soul on here, you have a warm heart.

You can get over this buddy! Any guy would be happy to have you and take better care of you than your ex did. And I hope you've by now begun to stop the self-medication with the help of everyone's support.

I'm thinking of you and hoping for the best my fellow Floridian

 

[luminum]

I think the reasons why you broke it off with him were mre than warranted. Soe very time you compare some guy to him, remember to include the reasons why you drop kicked his ass.

No need to compare other guys to someone who threatened your best friend and wants to be a ho and has the nerve to ask to be 'fuck buddies' with you after you've broken up.

 

[3nipples]

I know I should hold out, but, even when I've done that, I have always found myself comparing other guys to him, and them never matching up, and that causes a problem.

They don't match up to... what exactly? The real version of him or the idealized one. He doesn't match up either.

 

[190E]

I dont know what they dont match up to really, I mean, I have a great perception of him in my head, which could just be clouded by love. I just havent run into another guy of my type which I find attractive as him is what I guess I'm trying to say.

Yes, I am 24 hours sober, and it's been hard, I'm very tempted to open the bottle of brugal sitting on my desk.

I agree the reasons why I broke it off with him are more than warranted, but I wish it werent like that. I'm nto saying that I would go back to it, but I'm kind of hoping that it will change, even though I know it's not going to.

 

[3nipples]

Are you the only nice guy in the world? Probably not.

Are they going to find you while you're sitting in your apartment getting plastered and feeling sorry for yourself? Probably not.

Are you going to pour that bottle down the sink and go for a nice walk in a park nearby instead? Probably not.

But you could.

 

[190E]

Actually, i did get out today, and I'm kind of proud of myself, I went to the mall with a good friend, and I bought a pair of pants that will go for my birthday dinner friday night, and I went to the gym for a couple of hours. it actually feels good to get my mind off of him.

I definately wont say I'm out of the woods, but I am trying to get better, and staying on that course is definately difficult. I am really really thankful to all of you from the bottom of my heart.

 

[RicanDAB]

We're all here for you man -- things do get better -- it just takes TIME!

 

[190E]

Whelp, I thought I'd give an update. I'm doing well, of course I went out and had a drink on my birthday, but I haven't gone back on any of the feelings, or the other things that were causing self detriment. I do however still not know how to get back out there and do myself justice in finding someone.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey 190!

Good on you mate...well done on the steps that you are taking!!!

But mate, give yourself time. You have made the decision to regain your life and start the process. Take pride in that, take heart from the strength you have to take the first steps. You're not going to solve this thing overnight, but every step you take is one that takes you closer to really living your life the way you deserve.

Its a real reflection on you and your strength of conviction in your ability to love and care so much that you still feel the way you do. The more you care the more deeply you hurt. At times like this it can be hard, but like the earlier post mate, you should feel proud of your morals and your values. You should feel proud that you know how to love and give yourself. They are attributes that make you a real complete and whole person.

Your past will always be yours, to guide you, to teach you and remind you of who you are and where you've come from and what you want. Your previous realtonship tells you that you are a compassionate, loving guy who knows the importance of respect and faithfullness. Use those things 190 to allow yoursefl the chance to be happy again.

When you accept that things happen beyond your control, that bad things can happen to good people, that you are worth being loved valued and cherished this will get so much easier. You just have to let yourself beleive that you are worth it.

From what we see here mate, you are. And so much more. With your values and honesty you have the tools to create the life that you deserve. You've started that journey mate. Dont look back. Take what you need from the past, but dont look back. Your future is what awaits you...make it what you want.