todwod
Sex God
A long post but please bear with me
Well fellow jubbers, I'm lost. I'm a 25 year old man that has came out, but I am still struggling with it. I'm Native American, raised mormon and basically stuck living back home. I'm in a very deep funk that I just do not know how to shake. I came out to my mother and stepfather on new years 2010. I got pretty wasted and cried in my mothers arms and told her how it was. She consoled me and said its ok If I'm gay. Prior to that, I "sort of" came out to my sister telling her I'm 80% attracted to women and %20 to men. Predominantly, I'm attracted to men, but every now and then, if the right girl comes along, I'm all for it. I was working for a company in Indianapolis, but when the economy tanked, they went bankrupt, and I was out of the job. I couldn't get a decent job anywhere, and decided I had no other option to move back in with my parents. I've been living with my parents for 2 years and I've been just miserable. I'm morbidly depressed but I don't let it show. Even though my mother says she accepts me for what I am, I know she feels otherwise. She always tells me I need to talk to the bishop and that I'm just confused. We get into fights every now and then all revolving around myself. Ever since I came out, my stepfather doesn't really "talk" to me anymore. I haven't came out to my real father and stepmother because I fear their reaction. Growing up, my father was very vocal about gays and loathed the fags and queers always putting them down and making cruel remarks about them.
I used to work for a piping company. I quit after 2 years of service. I never came out at work since construction workers tend to be, you know. Work was awesome. I met a many of great people on the construction sites. I was a great worker. I was noticed for my performance from the foreman's and superintendents. I was even told one winter day, that the owner himself, wanted me on the apprentice program which was crazy for a first year. This past summer, I went out dancing and met someone special. We ended up kissing in the parking lot next to his car. Little known to me, a coworker saw me. That next week was odd when everyone started to be standoffish. A few days later, a co-worker told me that everyone thinks I'm gay. I told him yes I was and if its a problem. He said no and I thought we were cool. My sexuality eventually made it all around the job site. After my outing, people were different and rude. All of the friends I made stopped talking to me and ignored me. I got stuck with shitty jobs and was left working alone most of the time. I just took it in stride and told myself that these people are ignorant and stupid. Then my tools started disappearing. Not just random $4 screwdrivers but freaking $100 pipe wrenches. I reported it to the higher-ups, but I could tell, they didn't care. I knew what this was all about but I told myself to just suck it up. What really got to me though was one day after work, someone wrote "fag" and "Quit you queer" all over my truck. Everyone laughed at me and I tried to brush it off. I REALLY needed the money so I decided to let it go. Many weeks went on with my vehicle being tagged but lo and behold, there were no witnesses anywhere! After weeks of shitty attitudes and constant jokes behind my back I decided , enough is enough. No amount of money is good enough for me to subject myself to this abuse. In early November I sat down with the owner of the company and told him I cannot work here anymore. He asked why and I wold him you know why. He told me to not let assholes like them get to you. You have a lot of potential plus more intelligence and ambition than any of them. I thanked him for the opportunity to let me work and learn with his company.
It's been almost 3 months since I quit and even though I'm unemployed and broke, I feel it was one of the best decisions I have made.
My credit is shit now since I can't pay anything. My '08 Mazda 3 was repoed and I'm on foot. I tried to commit suicide through electrocution but ended up with a nasty electrical burn and a $8000 medical bill. I've taken up drinking to try and curb my depression. I've recently begun to steal my uncle and grandfather's percocet just to numb the pain. I'm distraught with parents, bills, and mainly my sexuality. Even though I have come out, I think I am ok with it, but deep, deep, DEEP, down, I'm not. My family doesn't really accept it, my community (and culture) can't accept it and I do not accept it. I just don't know what to do. I feel living here in this rural close minded community is hindering my prosperity. I can't afford to move or a shrink or anything. I feel like giving up. I know suicide is not the answer but as the days go by, I find myself rationalizing it more and more.
-Josh-
Well fellow jubbers, I'm lost. I'm a 25 year old man that has came out, but I am still struggling with it. I'm Native American, raised mormon and basically stuck living back home. I'm in a very deep funk that I just do not know how to shake. I came out to my mother and stepfather on new years 2010. I got pretty wasted and cried in my mothers arms and told her how it was. She consoled me and said its ok If I'm gay. Prior to that, I "sort of" came out to my sister telling her I'm 80% attracted to women and %20 to men. Predominantly, I'm attracted to men, but every now and then, if the right girl comes along, I'm all for it. I was working for a company in Indianapolis, but when the economy tanked, they went bankrupt, and I was out of the job. I couldn't get a decent job anywhere, and decided I had no other option to move back in with my parents. I've been living with my parents for 2 years and I've been just miserable. I'm morbidly depressed but I don't let it show. Even though my mother says she accepts me for what I am, I know she feels otherwise. She always tells me I need to talk to the bishop and that I'm just confused. We get into fights every now and then all revolving around myself. Ever since I came out, my stepfather doesn't really "talk" to me anymore. I haven't came out to my real father and stepmother because I fear their reaction. Growing up, my father was very vocal about gays and loathed the fags and queers always putting them down and making cruel remarks about them.
I used to work for a piping company. I quit after 2 years of service. I never came out at work since construction workers tend to be, you know. Work was awesome. I met a many of great people on the construction sites. I was a great worker. I was noticed for my performance from the foreman's and superintendents. I was even told one winter day, that the owner himself, wanted me on the apprentice program which was crazy for a first year. This past summer, I went out dancing and met someone special. We ended up kissing in the parking lot next to his car. Little known to me, a coworker saw me. That next week was odd when everyone started to be standoffish. A few days later, a co-worker told me that everyone thinks I'm gay. I told him yes I was and if its a problem. He said no and I thought we were cool. My sexuality eventually made it all around the job site. After my outing, people were different and rude. All of the friends I made stopped talking to me and ignored me. I got stuck with shitty jobs and was left working alone most of the time. I just took it in stride and told myself that these people are ignorant and stupid. Then my tools started disappearing. Not just random $4 screwdrivers but freaking $100 pipe wrenches. I reported it to the higher-ups, but I could tell, they didn't care. I knew what this was all about but I told myself to just suck it up. What really got to me though was one day after work, someone wrote "fag" and "Quit you queer" all over my truck. Everyone laughed at me and I tried to brush it off. I REALLY needed the money so I decided to let it go. Many weeks went on with my vehicle being tagged but lo and behold, there were no witnesses anywhere! After weeks of shitty attitudes and constant jokes behind my back I decided , enough is enough. No amount of money is good enough for me to subject myself to this abuse. In early November I sat down with the owner of the company and told him I cannot work here anymore. He asked why and I wold him you know why. He told me to not let assholes like them get to you. You have a lot of potential plus more intelligence and ambition than any of them. I thanked him for the opportunity to let me work and learn with his company.
It's been almost 3 months since I quit and even though I'm unemployed and broke, I feel it was one of the best decisions I have made.
My credit is shit now since I can't pay anything. My '08 Mazda 3 was repoed and I'm on foot. I tried to commit suicide through electrocution but ended up with a nasty electrical burn and a $8000 medical bill. I've taken up drinking to try and curb my depression. I've recently begun to steal my uncle and grandfather's percocet just to numb the pain. I'm distraught with parents, bills, and mainly my sexuality. Even though I have come out, I think I am ok with it, but deep, deep, DEEP, down, I'm not. My family doesn't really accept it, my community (and culture) can't accept it and I do not accept it. I just don't know what to do. I feel living here in this rural close minded community is hindering my prosperity. I can't afford to move or a shrink or anything. I feel like giving up. I know suicide is not the answer but as the days go by, I find myself rationalizing it more and more.
-Josh-
. Adam.
