What's gay college life like for an Asian?

[asdf]

Hi guys, this fall I'll be going off to Stanford University. (I'm not trying to brag, i just want to get the point that it's a very academic school, so probably less outrageous than some state schools).

I kinda feel like I want to maybe get into a relationship, and even though I'm 18, I just want to experience it because at college, relationships usually never mean that you're settled with that person for your life. I'm asian and closeted, and I may be bisexual (I like some girls) but I don't know yet, but I'm kind of worried about how I am going to meet LGBT people if I'm not out. Is there anyway to be in a relationship but not be out? And do you think it'd be harder for an Asian (I'm not a potato queen, but I do like white guys a lot)?

 

[sentirpromesas]

i'd come out...its like starting over...and the greatest part it, u can make it seem like u've been out for years...just act natural and everyone will take it in stride...im not saying u should come out to all ur friends back home instantly, but u probably are going to know few people at stanford, so its not like they will send the word back home...at least, thats my advice

 

[shyguyy9]

Meeting queer ( pardon the umbrealla term) is easier when you are out. MOST colleges have a Pride Alliance and support groups. You WILL meet queer people regardless of being out, but it will be easier to get into a relationship. One piece of advice tho, dont jump into long term relationships, college peple are fickle, so just let it happen

 

[jswatch]

Well I'm in my second year of college, and none of my college friends know that I'm gay. It's a hard thing keeping it in. A 3 of my friends know, but none are from school or go to school with me.

but I think one of my closest college buddies already suspects something.

Just whatever you do, just hope it doesn't blow up in your face when other people find out.

I'm only scared to come out because my program has only 42 people in it and the token "gay positon" has already been filled by another guy.

My current role in the program, is poor asian kid, with the best idea - the only reason why people like me. I produce some of the best work.

 

[drhladnjak]

Going away to college is really the perfect time to start coming out. In fact, you don't even really have to come out. You can just start acting like you've always been out and the people around you won't even know the difference.

FWIW, Stanford is known for being harder to get into than to stay in. Yes, there are a lot of very accomplished and smart people there, but that doesn't mean students there study all the time. In fact, there are a lot of parties and non-academic stuff going on. A is by the most common grade given in most courses and at one point the university abolished the F grade (the class just wouldn't show up on your transcript if you failed!).

More importantly perhaps is the fact that the school is pretty liberal. The overwhelming majority of your fellow students will not care that you're gay or view it negatively.

But what I do know, I went to Cal and Stanfurd is our arch rival

 

[TomahawkEagle]

You seem to be comfortable with your desire for guys. Just don't let that get in the way of your studying. Don't think the colour of your skin is relevant.

I wasn't comfortable with my attraction to guys when I was 18 (was still in high school then). When I went to uni, had to stay in the closet because I was scared. By channeling my energy towards hiding myself cost me a lot. By flunking uni, I'm now way behind my mates who have hit the ground running with their careers and now have enough $$$ to have their own houses/properties.

Also I've never had a partner before which makes me feel lonely.....I really want the intimacy.

 

[G-Lexington]

Being out at college was almost no problem at my school...and that was almost two decades ago. Stanford's a pretty liberal college in a pretty liberal part of a very liberal state. So coming out might be ideal. After all, the easiest way to find a "buyer" is to let them know you're on the market.

Lex

 

[Xpione]

Hey, we're in the same boat , but I in UCSD though. Well, you can't expect LGBT experience to come to you. I am going to volunteer at a LGBT Center in San Diego. You got to always get involve....but you have to be comfortable with volunteering for LGBT stuffs though. If you want a relationship...then you need to be "out". I'm not out, so it isn't easy for me either.

 

[Lube]

Being out at college was almost no problem at my school...and that was almost two decades ago. Stanford's a pretty liberal college in a pretty liberal part of a very liberal state. So coming out might be ideal. After all, the easiest way to find a "buyer" is to let them know you're on the market.

Lex

And it's 2008. If now's not a good time to come out, when is?

It'll be much harder to expend the energy to hide. Don't do it.



(And if you're 18 now and joined in Nov 2003, I think you're probably gay.)

 

[najfus]

Come out, you'll be much happier that you did.

I was "outed" a couple of months before I arrived at school, so I had no problem telling people. It was definitely a good decision. There's no reason not to.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I'd take one thing at a time. Patience is a great virtue, when it comes to serious matters.

Stanford is indeed, reasonably liberal. However, a few of my Stanford friends are very career oriented and thus, at least very streetsmart when it comes to sharing their sexual orientation with the rest of the world.

My advice: First things - first. Get organized; make sure you are running a bit ahead of schedule and never behind it.

Make friends with the guys around you and keep looking for the usually accepted mode of behavior in your environment. Grant yourself few months and learn how to observe the guys and the interactions around you. Learn from that experience.

Enjoy the neighboring SF and its night life. Connect with the guys whom you find interesting via the net. Create a network of friends and start dating.

Only once you see that you do have a budding m2m relationship and that it is wise to come out on that account, consider doing so.

Many people will tell you that being openly gay has its numerous advantages. One of them being that 'you are on the market', so that other dudes might be legitimately interested in you. No doubt, there is some truth in this, too.

However, a number of guys may find that dating and befriending an openly gay guy is not in their best interest for whatever their reasons may be. At times, your may be loss might be higher than your gain?

I would not be putting any serious emphasis on being asian, in this context. Some guys are total 'rice queens', if you will; the others are interested in other races, etc.. But your usual, smart college dude, who happens to be easy on the eyes does have more than a fair share of his admirers, too.

Last but not least: Coming out is just what it is: coming out. Showing guts and integrity is sexxy and nice but that alone would neither give you loads of new cool friends nor that cute BF, we all love to have. In other words, yeah, you may be an openly gay dude but that is neither here nor there. Unless this other dude finds you desirable, for whatever his reason may be, your being openly gay does not really change much.

SC

 

[fiorio]

i am a nerd all the way thru undergraduate, never had really good friends. never meet anyone.
you need to definitely open up and meet more people via organizations, and if you live on campus, you got a better chance to know people.
but you are only 18.
but anyway, good luck.
school work is more important!

 

[youngnihilist]

dont be a potato queen is my advice - go for anybody whos worth it. asian guys who obsess over white is not attractive

 

[fiorio]

dont be a potato queen is my advice - go for anybody whos worth it. asian guys who obsess over white is not attractive

that's right.

 

[Rali_hates_Mondays]

I don't think you should be going out to seek relationships. One big problem with this approach is that it sends off this desperate smell- not really a real smell but guys and girls can smell desperation and it's very off putting.

Instead I feel that the best approach is to focus on improving yourself, first of all focusing on image. Look to other people and see what makes them attractive, not just physically. Take up a sport or activity or join a gym and make sure it's one that you're passionate about. There was scientific study given on why athletics were often "good looking." The main benefit is not just a better body but also a big confidence boost. I would also focus on the face- now we're getting to a more uncomfortable topic. You should strive to get clear skin. I think this is particularly important because charismatic people often have clear complexions. If you had acne like I used to have just go to a doctor. Hair is also really important and it's vital that you find a comfortable style that suits you. It's amazing how a good haircut can transform one's looks.

Now we've talked about what will make you sexually attractive, now we will talk about things that will make you into relationship material. In fact I don't need to go into too much detail cos you will be going to one of the most prestigious universities. I would advise you not to work too hard and focus on making yourself into a well rounded person. Make time for the extra curricular stuff- debating society, Amnesty international, an asian society... it might be worth joining the LGBT society so that you can make gay friends and put yourself out there. Be open minded. This will all build character, confidence and experience that will make you even more attractive. I'm aware that noone appeals to absolutely everyone but if you do these things you will get guys chasing after you.

 

[dousedfirepants]

Regardless of which college you attend, there are always going to be drunken bastards who reek of alcohol and cigarettes. It's college -- those idiots are trying to prove/taking advantage of their independence by getting intoxicated to the brink of death every weekend. Morons. Ha...

Anyway, I'm Asian, and I'm a Freshmen at college now. In my own experience, once you're actually at college, you'll find out how liberating it is. I mean...I was out at fourteen in high school, but being out in high school and being out in college are two completely different things. The former may cause you to be ostracized, but the latter can make you some really good friends. My advice corresponds to a lot of the other people's responses -- come out. Or, you know, at least start attending the GSA meetings on a regular basis.

And I've heard a lot of gay guys are turned off by closeted guys. It's just speculation, but it's kind of logical. Eh.


Oh yeah -- I forgot to inject a random anecdote.
Dan Savage came to talk to my school last week, and he said that every gay male should be out by nineteen, regardless of the circumstances. Just giving you a heads-up. Haha...

 

[pausanias_usa]

Downtown Palo Alto -- in walking distance of the university (if you are in good shape, haha) -- has a great bar scene: not necessarily gay or straight or bi, just _friendly_.

Go out and make some friends, and you'll have a nice selection of party mates. Once at the parties, you'll meet lots of different types, one of whom might be YOUR type!