What's the point of coming out for other's to judge, any advice please? Desperate

[Erasto]

Hey all, sorta new here, sup!

This is the thing i have an issue with. I am on the journey of self discovery. I was raised religious and most importantly, i was raised as someone who values their Pride and most of all Privacy. So it makes it even harder for me to take this leap and ask for advice.

At first glance, it seems I have an amazing life, a family that loves me dearly, i'm studying to be an illustrator at my college/university (2nd year), I am the student union president, i'm in the football team at my university, very sought after by girls (been blessed with good looks) and being religious i was raised to be celibate-like, marriage before sex so that was always my excuse for not reciprocating feelings for girls and guys who constantly approach me.

I've been noticing guys not just lately but much earlier, i've been ignoring this fact. There is this boy in my foorball team, he's extremely handsome, he's english and italian, it's obvious he has a thing for me, he's always stuttering when i'm in his presence, turns beet red, offers to walk home with me everyday after uni (we dont even finish the same time!!!) to the point he had a huge erection in the showers after our first game (beginning of last term) when he saw me, everyone teased him for it (guys being guys, it was funny ) and he laughed it off. He keeps calling/texting me asking me to meet up but I pretend I dont notice but its killing me. He called me a few days ago and spilled it: telling me he fancied me since secondary school....then i realised, we went to the same secondary school and I didn’t notice this incredibly gorgeous guy. I was a bit of a popular man’s man throughout education so its to be expected.

I can’t reciprocrate, I will lose everything. Even if I do reciprocrate, i can't give him my whole self, no one can know! I can’t come out because my family might kill me, my friends would disown me, my status would drop as a hat. Why do people encourage coming out? I’m private in general so I don’t want people to know I’m dating this and this person, I don’t do sharing, hell I’ve never invited friends to my apartment, it’s my space. Bear in mind I’m of ethnic minority, (come from Eritrea, east africa, we’re strong religious believers) so…what can I do? I feel so trapped, suffocated, I never loved anyone but my family, I care for my friends and this concept of loving someone else is new to me, I never had any relationships before, not even a pet ahaha! Please help a brotha out!

 

[DiverDude]

I've really noticed that after I began to become a bit more comfortable with myself, very few people cared. I was expecting a ton of talk behind my back, or everyone to realize my sexual preference the moment I looked at another guy.

I was extremely wrong. Even after I came out to my roommate (who was my best friend in high school), he looked at me and said, "You waited this long to tell me?"

I understand where you're coming from with being a prominent person in your community. I was the wing commander of a very large and well known AFJROTC unit at my high school, and president of several other organizations by my junior/senior years. I come from the deep south, and from a parish where Catholicism runs deep in everyone's veins.

What I've learned since then was that it really doesn't matter. I say go for it with this guy. You obviously don't have to spraypaint his name on the side of your car... just keep it personal (and make sure he understands your expectations). I guarantee that if he does care for you, he won't want to hurt you in any way.

I hope others have similar experiences that can help put you at ease. The world is changing, and I really think that now is the best time to take care of yourself.

 

[normljoe]

Coming out is about honesty.

First being honest with yourself, then being honest to those you care about.

 

[bankside]

Hey all, sorta new here, sup!

This is the thing i have an issue with. I am on the journey of self discovery. I was raised religious and most importantly, i was raised as someone who values their Pride and most of all Privacy. So it makes it even harder for me to take this leap and ask for advice.

At first glance, it seems I have an amazing life, a family that loves me dearly, i'm studying to be an illustrator at my college/university (2nd year), I am the student union president, i'm in the football team at my university, very sought after by girls (been blessed with good looks) and being religious i was raised to be celibate-like, marriage before sex so that was always my excuse for not reciprocating feelings for girls and guys who constantly approach me.

I've been noticing guys not just lately but much earlier, i've been ignoring this fact. There is this boy in my foorball team, he's extremely handsome, he's english and italian, it's obvious he has a thing for me, he's always stuttering when i'm in his presence, turns beet red, offers to walk home with me everyday after uni (we dont even finish the same time!!!) to the point he had a huge erection in the showers after our first game (beginning of last term) when he saw me, everyone teased him for it (guys being guys, it was funny ) and he laughed it off. He keeps calling/texting me asking me to meet up but I pretend I dont notice but its killing me. He called me a few days ago and spilled it: telling me he fancied me since secondary school....then i realised, we went to the same secondary school and I didn’t notice this incredibly gorgeous guy. I was a bit of a popular man’s man throughout education so its to be expected.

I can’t reciprocrate, I will lose everything. Even if I do reciprocrate, i can't give him my whole self, no one can know! I can’t come out because my family might kill me, my friends would disown me, my status would drop as a hat. Why do people encourage coming out? I’m private in general so I don’t want people to know I’m dating this and this person, I don’t do sharing, hell I’ve never invited friends to my apartment, it’s my space. Bear in mind I’m of ethnic minority, (come from Eritrea, east africa, we’re strong religious believers) so…what can I do? I feel so trapped, suffocated, I never loved anyone but my family, I care for my friends and this concept of loving someone else is new to me, I never had any relationships before, not even a pet ahaha! Please help a brotha out!

Okay, so, the feelings are there. You don't have a choice about reciprocating that. The only thing that you can reciprocate is the courage it takes to walk up to the hot football playing student union president. Or not.

You know what? You aren't in Eritrea any more. Last time I was there, London is part of the free world. In a free country, you should expect better from your friends than to disown you or treat you like shit, or to treat someone you might be into like shit. And your family brought you to that freedom.

The thing that juuuust bugs me a little bit about what you said is this idea about pride and privacy. If anything I'm proud because I'm not hiding. But I'm also private. The world doesn't know my business. But I've made good friends who give me the same respect I give them. And btw, I didn't jump on every man I met. My guy's the only one to get this far, same for him, and it has been 13 years.

13 years that I didn't waste hiding my feelings or by brushing off the handsome kind smart very quiet but funny guy who showed interest in me.

You have a choice. Keep Discovering on that journey of self discovery. Or stop discovering and hide inside the image of a man who can never be as impressive as the man himself.

 

[Horschallen]

You do not have to rush into coming out. Take your time, and you can still maintain privacy with this person who you seem to care about. I have some regrets for waiting too long or for never exploring my feelings with certain people.

 

[Fuzzy1]

Coming from Eretrea I take it you are muslim, and your parents are quite conservative, we have a fairly sizeable Eretrean community in Winnipeg, and it seems to be growing, Eretreans seem fairly conservative in terms of their muslim faith, I would tend to agree with you in terms of staying in the closet at least until you are financially independent, one does see a fair number of Eretreans in the local bath houses and they are playing with men. You are not the only one. It might be advisable to move away from your family when you finish school in order for you to be able to participate more fully in a gay lifestyle as you get older. You must do what feels best for you.

 

[dhchitown1984]

Coming out isn't about other people's reactions.... its about YOU taking responsibility for YOU, having a deeper respect for YOU, and loving YOU and being as honest as YOU can be.

I can't say that I know your exact situation because, obviously, I'm not you, and I don't live where you do, we don't have the same background, etc etc etc. But I do know is that the entire coming out process is a commonality that we all have as gay men.... some of the hesitations are hightened for some men more than others.

What you have to remember is that YOU are in complete control of your coming out process. You can come out to people when you want, and how you want, and even telling people in the order that you want to.

I'm a relatively private person too. When I first came out to my two very best friends, I was honest about it. I told them that I wanted to tell people over time, and I'd appreciate it if we kept what I told them between just us, and moreso, I told them why that was important to me. In turn, I also told them when it didn't have to be a secret anymore so they didn't have to feel awkward about asking me in front of others if I was seeing anyone, or how a date went the night before.

The people that TRULY care about you and love you will continue to be just as supportive for you as they've ever been, and your relationships with those people will strengthen.

Best of luck, and keep us posted as things happen - we're all here to support you!

 

[Erasto]

Haha it brings a tear to my eye that people here are so supportive. I didn't expect that, @ Bankside, didn't mean to offend, i just meant that as a black family and especially in our community privacy is a big thing, other familes would love for the opportunity to get something to gossip about, and pride is something instilled in us, ever since we could walk (me and my siblings) we were taught about having pride.

Lol i'm the student council president, worked my ass off too

@Fuzzy1, wow you hit it on the head, yes i'm muslim which makes it even more hard to do this, if anyone would find out, rumors would fly straight away, thats how my community is buut yes i'd have to wait when i'm more financially stable.

It's just the false pretence that i hate, acting when i'm straight when really, i prefer both sexes, sometimes one more then the other but i just want it to be my business you know? LOL it's because i'm such a newbie at dating that's why i sound so naive. You people are AWESUME! im glad people understand how i feel

 

[Erasto]

I've really noticed that after I began to become a bit more comfortable with myself, very few people cared. I was expecting a ton of talk behind my back, or everyone to realize my sexual preference the moment I looked at another guy.

I was extremely wrong. Even after I came out to my roommate (who was my best friend in high school), he looked at me and said, "You waited this long to tell me?"

I understand where you're coming from with being a prominent person in your community. I was the wing commander of a very large and well known AFJROTC unit at my high school, and president of several other organizations by my junior/senior years. I come from the deep south, and from a parish where Catholicism runs deep in everyone's veins.

What I've learned since then was that it really doesn't matter. I say go for it with this guy. You obviously don't have to spraypaint his name on the side of your car... just keep it personal (and make sure he understands your expectations). I guarantee that if he does care for you, he won't want to hurt you in any way.

I hope others have similar experiences that can help put you at ease. The world is changing, and I really think that now is the best time to take care of yourself.

Now that i've had the time to read back, thanks for your advice man! It is difficult but i'll have to endure for a while. I mean you must know how it is, family comes first BUT that shouldn't mean my needs shouldn't be met.

It's just sticky how everyone looks up to me at home, in my private live and at uni. I mean, im in an Art university where I actually became the student council president, it was hard because of my ethnic background but i overcame because of who i am, the cool black guy with the big curls who everyone loves. If people were to talk, not only would i lose that but i'd be in a dark situation with family. But yeah, i'll have to figure something out.

Thanks alot, everyone too!

 

[DonSade]

People are too busy to give you that much attention. If anything they'll mention it a day or two... then get over it. What you should be concerned about is your family. Those are the ones who will probably care the most about it. The thing about relationships is that it's something between two people. If you're that scared about it but are still interested in this guy, I see no problem with you pushing onward with something private with him. I don't see how you testing waters in your own space is a bad thing. Au contraire. I think you SHOULD by all means begin exploring that side of you as soon as possible because to be perfectly honest, if this guy is serious about you, he'll probably adjust to whatever your situation is. If he's not willing to commit to that and you're not ready to make it public then I guess it's already been settled.

I for one can tell you that I went out with guys even while being in the closet. My community was open enough to permit me that. So open in fact that most people still think I'm straight. Not because I've hidden it but because people usually judge these things and keep their preconception of you over the years. I actually have to remind some people that I am indeed gay because they tend to forget. I know it sounds stupid but, that's how open my environment was in my college years.

Who you go out with is nobody's business, if you're coming out do so first with those you love and think might be supportive of you. I am one of those who believe that coming out shouldn't really be that big a thing. Mainly because, as long as you're open to yourself and have a healthy sexually fulfilling life, you should be fine! What other people know or don't know about you doesn't make you any less of a "free" or proud person. It's all about you and what image and in what esteem you keep yourself, not about the rest of the world. Coming out is an exercise of self-acceptance to the rest of the world, it is hardly an announcement that should stir the world's attention.

Also, if you get hit on by guys then you might not be as much in the closet as you think. Most of the really close people I came out to actually said they never understood why I didn't come out to them sooner. People tend to make a big deal out of it if you make a big deal out of it too.

Good luck with everything.

 

[Telstra]

Coming out is about honesty.

First being honest with yourself, then being honest to those you care about.

This worth repeating.
"First being honest with yourself", this might take a long time depends on the situation.
"then ..." when you are ready, got money and confidence to come out.

It is up to you to make yourself feeling happy or miserable.
No family member can fulfill your sex life. So do what ever you feel it is right for you.

 

[Seasoned]

I have been to your country when it was still part of Ethiopia. I know your conflict and I am very sad that you have this issue to face. The first conflict for all of us when we find we are not heterosexual is self acceptance. I actually got married and had children to hide who I was. Throughout history people lived entire lives that way. But what kind of life? Your first responsibility is to yourself. This other guy sounds incredible on more than one level. If I were you I'd get to know him better. You can decide what to do about the closet later. Good luck to you.

 

[bankside]

Haha it brings a tear to my eye that people here are so supportive. I didn't expect that, @ Bankside, didn't mean to offend, i just meant that as a black family and especially in our community privacy is a big thing, other familes would love for the opportunity to get something to gossip about, and pride is something instilled in us, ever since we could walk (me and my siblings) we were taught about having pride.

Erasto, no offence taken, but I had to make the point. If you know how people can talk in a small community then you already have an idea of what some parts of the gay community can be like. Within every big metropolis is a small gay village, and sometimes they can get caught up in the quest for gossip. But you know, people are people.

My point about pride is that pride comes from courage, not from living a lie. You don't have to make any decisions about coming out to them now. Certainly not until your finances are independent. And you may never have to come out to them. Sometimes the best some families can do is just make space for each other, turn a blind eye, and learn not to ask questions when they do not like the answers.

The most important thing though, more than family, is not to lie to yourself. If we can't even face ourselves, we can't be any use to our families.

Even if your family will never be able to handle the truth, you need to give yourself a small bubble of freedom to meet this guy and talk to him, if you want to. It can't be any other way. You're an adult. And anyway everyone is entitled to at least some privacy from their family. It's not a sign of disrespect or lack of love, that's just the way it is.

 

[Erasto]

I have been to your country when it was still part of Ethiopia. I know your conflict and I am very sad that you have this issue to face. The first conflict for all of us when we find we are not heterosexual is self acceptance. I actually got married and had children to hide who I was. Throughout history people lived entire lives that way. But what kind of life? Your first responsibility is to yourself. This other guy sounds incredible on more than one level. If I were you I'd get to know him better. You can decide what to do about the closet later. Good luck to you.

Thank you very much, yeah it's definitely one hardship i will face for the rest of my life but i'm strong enough, the issue is hiding not from my family but fellow eritreans/muslims, its so confusing because i really dont know what i want properly because i've been avoiding it for so long now.

i decided to keep things on hold just until i clear my head, graduate and move, I'll remain friends with him but if not, it wasn't meant to be...what's more important is accepting myself, i still haven't even confessed to myself, not even uttered or typed it in haha.

If i meet people as decent as you guys, i'll be fine
It will be a long journey and its nice knowing ya'll have my back