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What's wrong with me?

1

1David1

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I've accepted the fact that I'm gay but I'm still not fully comfortable with it. I went to a gay bar for the first time, had some drinks and actually talked with someone. But now that I'm sober and past "experimenting" I'm so confused. I don't know how to talk with him now and I'm just shocked that I exposed myself to so many people. It's overwhleming to me that I can go down the street and people will recognize me from that bar. I'm 21 and acting like a 12 year old. I don't know how to get over myself. I don't like being alone and then I regret meeting people.

I think part of that is because gays are still considered a "weak" part of society and that fact gets to me. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm immature, trashy, drug addict, and all the stereotypes that go with being gay, but it pisses me off that I'm part of the minority that's being discriminated against, that if anyone hears someone's gay then they see it as a disadventage, not as a happy person headed to something good. It surely doesn't help that my family is homophobic. It took a lot for me to go out and try to open up so I don't want to get back to my usual self and depression so quickly, which is where I'm headed. That's why I made this post. Help?
 
You are so much braver and courageous than you think you are!!!!!
I am 5 years older than you and I still have not been inside a gay bar. You are going in the right direction so whatever you do, do not make a U-turn now. That would be the worst thing that you could do. You know who you are and what you are and that is all that should matter. Who gives a f*** what anyone else thinks?? Just be you. Be yourself. Carry on. Live.
 
Oh. And by the by, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Geddit??!!
 
I'm just shocked that I exposed myself to so many people.
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did you do something or do you just mean in general?

I think part of that is because gays are still considered a "weak" part of society
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As they say, its not an easy life so I dont think gays are a weak part pf society. We have to be strong to deal with what we have to deal with


Maybe counselling would help you ;-)
 
well...i dont think ther is anything wrong with you. I wish we didnt have to "come out", i just think it shouldnt matter. It kinda does though. i dont think being gay makes you weaker than anyone else. ...believe me a guy who takes it in the ass is a whole lot tougher than a guy who doesnt hehehe. But I dont think we NEED to be different than anyone else really, sometimes it is FUN to be different but I think we can be happy and successful. people who think we are all drug addicts and alcoholics and sex fiends should ask themselves why that is so, is it in our natures? no. Are we trying to not offend so many straight people that we are killing ourselves to do it, yeah probably. kinda sick. Anyway, be the change you want to see, as they say. lots of love.
 
i_want_a_cool_nickname said:
2. And this may sound a bit off, but maybe you're not gay.. Have you thought bout that?? I thought i was gay for the last 5 or 6 years until recently when i started questioning my sexuality and there's nothing wrong with that, just don't feel like you have to do something just because you believed in it for so long or because you want to be different.. This may sound like self-loathing for some of you but it's not.. Believe me, you better make sure who you are before you start acting on it.. And this is coming from no expert mt friend, I'm still totally torn apart by this but im taking it slow, see where i go..
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What a load of bollocks.

What part of sexuality for everyone do you think is cast in concrete? As you go thru life many times you will feel more like a top than a bottom. Maybe as a bisexual, you will be more attracted to women, then a few years later attracted by men.

If you, and others would stop trying to label yourself as X or Y you might be able to find happiness in life. Black and white - right and wrong - gay or str8 - thinking is no better than the whack job religious right Christians. Just love yourself. If you fall in love with a man, great, perfect. If it's a female, cool, more power to you. But seriously stop acting like being gay is this curse. It's really childish and reeks of whack job Christian exGay Ministry crap.
 
Well the actual time I spent inside wasn't all that bad. But as I said, after I woke up all sober and with someone's phone number, that night suddenly seemed like a big deal to me. I pretty much kept myself sheltered as far as gay life/friendships is concerned, so this reaction was bound to happen. I do give myself some credit for taking a chance though, it's just a shame that I probably do care what people know or think about me.

I'm mostly confused about what I should do next considering I bitch and moan about being a loner and I bitch and moan when I do meet new people. I wish it was simpler.

did you do something or do you just mean in general?
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In general. I didn't do anything dumb... but it was like coming out to 500 people at once.

maybe you're not gay..
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Funny you say that cause I was considering that option too. I thought about that before I even got there. I wasn't even remotely excited to see 2 hot guys kiss and I wasn't wildly attracted to the hot guys but that could be due to stress, hopefully. I didn't think I'd say this but I really hope I'm gay because I'm definitely not straight.
 
Your main concern is not that society thinks of us as weak, but that you still do. You're walking down the street assuming people will judge you because you're judging yourself. Other than homophobic family and maybe a few friends, most people won't really give a shit who you sleep with.

It takes strength to do what you did, and with each step you take toward living your authentic self, the stronger you will feel. Or you will run back into the closet, and be the weak person you are afraid others will see you as. By worrying more about what they think about you, you're creating the very weakness you're afraid they'll see.
 
Here's I think the heart of it.

>>>that if anyone hears someone's gay then they see it as a disadventage, not as a happy person headed to something good.

"Anyone"? Or "you"? Because I've certainly never thought if someone's gay, they were headed to a dead end - not even before I realized *I* was gay. None of my friends or co-workers feels that way, to the best of my knowledge. It's not a standard feeling. Yes, some people do feel that way. But some people are mistaken. And it seems like perhaps you're one of those people.

Get out there. Start meeting some gay people who aren't headed towards dead ends.

Lex
 
Hmm. Interesting comments.

You make a strong point, Killjoke. I really am creating some of this mess. I spent way too much time thinking a lot and doing nothing. But there's more to it that I'll talk about in detail in my response to G-Lexington...

"Anyone"? Or "you"?
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Anyone. I didn't make my point that well. Let's say for example (a real example), I hate a bunch of (straight) people from my past that saw me through my worst times. I don't feel like giving them the satisfaction that I really didn't end up all that "successful" after all, if they find out I'm gay. I mean that stereotypically of course... technically it's just a harder lifestyle, no wife, kids, family pride, etc. Not necessarily a bad thing, but to ignorant people it is and the steretypes work. I hope I don't sound like a paranoid nutjob, I'd just feel more comfortable not proving my enemies right. (I do sound crazy)
 
OK, still trying to get a bead on what you're saying. You HATE a bunch of people, or you HAVE a bunch of people? I'm gonna assume the latter, because I have a hard time believeing you actually DO hate the people who saw you through the worst times.

OK, so these people stuck by you. What are you afraid of now? That if they find out you're gay, they'll say, "Oh, THAT's the reason he's never gone anywhere"? That that'll be the last straw, and they'll turn their backs on you?

Yeah, there's some obstacles to being gay. But there's obstacles to being straight, too. I don't have a wife, but I have partner of ten years, and we stick things out together. We don't have kids not because we can't, but because we don't want any. And my parents - both Christian, one Catholic - couldn't be prouder or happier for us. They include us in all family gatherings, all family snapshots, everything. No, not all families are as cool as mine, but it DOES happen. And more often than one would assume.

Yes, ignorant people may think you're less of a person, or less of a man, if you're gay. But so what? Why would you care what some ignorant person thinks of you? If some moron on the street wants to think I'm a miserable wretch who throws like a girl and wears women's clothing all the time, hey, he's welcome to think that if he wants. He's wrong on all counts, but I'm not going to take time out from living my kick-ass life to try to convince him otherwise. I've got stuff to do. :)

The stereotypes DON'T work. Not if you don't let them.

Lex
 
I did mean hate, I was just trying not to be too specific. Some saw me through bad times (whether they caused it or contributed to it, it doesn't matter) and I do hate most of them. They're not part of my life anymore.

I'm sure a lot of families are cool about it, I was simply referring to the stereotypes that go through people's heads when they find out someone is gay. A lot of (stupid) people see it as an indicator that someone didn't grow up to be all that successful.

Why do I care? I'm not sure. It's not gonna stop me from moving forward with my life but it does give me a weird feeling after. Obviously I should get over that little complex. In fact, I feel kind of better about it now. Maybe it's time to respond to that guy from the bar who called me earlier today.
 
If you say things like "I don't want to give them the satisfaction", then what you say isn't true. They ARE still a part of your life. Keep working on making them NOT part of your life. And you know what they say - the best revenge is a life well lived. So go live it. And yes, respond. :)

Lex
 
It took a lot for me to go out and try to open up so I don't want to get back to my usual self and depression so quickly, which is where I'm headed. That's why I made this post. Help?
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I think that the tendency toward depression is the problem here. Particularly if you have any degree of manic depressive behaviour.

The only people who can help you with this will be a doctor and counsellor.

The way I see it, you did a good thing for yourself by finally stepping out and going somewhere where you might enjoy yourself.

Contrary to your perception, gays are not all perceived as flaming crack whores or pitiful parodies of human beings. Many are successful members of the community and we could buy and sell all those fucked up homophobes who have a problem with where we put our cocks. The more homos that are openly out in politics, religion and real estate, the more homos that prove that they can marry and have successful long term relationships, the better all young confused and scared gay boys will feel.

What we are is not a curse, but a gift.

So get back out there and shake that little booty on the dance floor, enjoy the company of the boys and turn out to be a good and caring human being.
 
I think you are a little too paranoid and not confident enough

bars are not as nice as things like a walking group so why not join a walking group for gays or something else
 
rareboy said:
Contrary to your perception, gays are not all perceived as flaming crack whores or pitiful parodies of human beings.
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What confounds me is when there's a report on Paris Hilton or Brtiney Spears, no one ever says, "All white girls are vapid, shallow airheads". Yet, someone will describe all gay people- the millions of them on this earth- as "immature, trashy, drug addict, and all the stereotypes that go with being gay" based upon an Eisenhower-era stereotype of gay people?


rareboy said:
I think that the tendency toward depression is the problem here. Particularly if you have any degree of manic depressive behaviour.

The only people who can help you with this will be a doctor and counsellor.
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The root of all this is an overwhelming need for an excuse to justify self-loathing behavior. You're not a self-loathing gay person- you're a self-loathing person who on account of being gay has found a reason for a pre-existing condition.

I would have to agree with rareboy. I suspect if you get treatment for your depression and work through some of these issues, you will find that being gay is not the root of this.


rareboy said:
What we are is not a curse, but a gift.
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Indeed.
 
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