Whatta tough Week

[soldierofglory]

(Warning/Auchtung, long story) All right, a few days ago one of my coursemates (straight) happened to force me to admit that I'm homosexual, so I gave him the half-assed answer. He knew that I could be lying, and I couldn't make myself answer it, so he got the slightest hint already. He was like, accepting it in a very disappointing manner, telling that I should and hoped to be straight. And then some coursemates around heard it, and felt very uncomfortable about all of it. Alas, he even implied that these feelings are all from the choices and the thinking, but not the heart itself. But... seriously speaking, I'm already attracted to cute and nice guys even before and I couldn't help it. It was like a man having a woman's fantasies. I treated women as women, and even also I have some feminine traits.

Why, they can show faces to me like I'm going to destroy all of them the next day! I don't know whether I should LOL (or ROTFLMAO) at it or just be annoyed. I know it's my choice, but I can't help but feel embarrassed.

And afterwards, I really have huge troubles for myself - especially accepting it. I pretended to be straight, but my efforts all going down the drain. It's seriously tough pretending to be one of them, and I swore to myself I gonna stop doing that real soon. I don't know whether it's *still* a choice, or just something that is beyond my control. Basically, I am afraid to admit that too. It was like... against any of the universal laws. ]

Only yesterday I went to consult my college counceller, and he is a nice person. He told that it is normal for me to have feelings towards men. And he even explained that "I should go with the flow". Anyway it was a nice consultation, and I'm so relieved now.

Any ideas for pain-free acceptance?

Another one thing - my brother has discovered that I'm quite feminine, and could have known that I got feelings/crushes on men, like what any women will do. And my mother... oh man, she even told me, "Oh goodness... please don't be a homosexual... I think I gonna get a girl for you!"

Thanks very much my dear mother, but I don't need ONE right now and I need to study for my college. I know I'm pretty average in my studies and need some more focus so that I don't get shitty results and render my loan revoked if I ever fu¢k up my studies.

 

[G-Lexington]

Hello, soldier, and belated welcome to JUB! I don't know where you are in the world - "achtung" hints at Germany - but I'll give you some generic advice.

First off, let me tell you my thoughts about "choice". I did not choose to BE gay. I'm attracted to guys. That's innate, it's part of who I am, so I didn't choose that. I did, however, choose to LIVE gay. I chose to live as an "out" gay man. This choice was made a lot easier by a wonderful family, supportive friends, and living in a fairly accepting part of the world.

You did not choose to BE gay. Why the hell would anyone choose to be gay? Do people really think you're thinking, "Well, I'm actually physically attracted to women, but just for the hell of it, I'm going to have sex with men, and invite the scorn of my family and friends"? Who would EVER think that?

If your friends still look at you weird, make sure you tell them that just because you're gay doesn't mean you're attracted to THEM. Remind them that they're not attracted to absolutely EVERY woman they see, and it's the same with you. You're not attracted to ALL men - it's just the people you ARE attracted to happen to BE men.

As for your mother, if you feel she knows, you can tell her. Remind her that "getting you a girl" won't help matters at all, any more than getting HER a girl would make her a lesbian. It doesn't work like that.

Acceptance? It'll come. I wish it was pain-free, but you may have some pain along the way. Your counselor is right - "go with the flow". Don't feel you have to "pretend" at anything. Act how you normally would. Some of your traits might be "gay", some might be "straight". Whichever. Don't feel the need to "act straight". Or, for that matter, "act gay". Just be yourself. That'll be the most comfortable thing to do, and it'll make the acceptance come easier.

Best of luck to you!

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

There are two different issues here- your identification as "feminine" and your attraction to men.

Is your issue that you identify as a female or is that you identify as an effeminate male? These are very different things.

So, when you ask about "pain-free acceptance"- are you asking about your sexual orientation or your effeminate behavoirs?

In this forum, there are a lot of coming out stories. Start reading through them and you will find that everyone has a different story and a different experience. Some of them are great stories where friends and family are accepting and supportive. Some of them are painful stories about responses that were not as positive.

But the story that is seldom told is the real coming out story- that is, the story of coming out to yourself, accepting yourself and loving yourself as a gay or bisexual person. And that story is seldom pain-free.

 

[TygreBryte]

I think GLex' thoughts here are good.

I also am curious: Where are you?

 

[soldierofglory]

Hello, soldier, and belated welcome to JUB! I don't know where you are in the world - "achtung" hints at Germany - but I'll give you some generic advice.

First off, let me tell you my thoughts about "choice". I did not choose to BE gay. I'm attracted to guys. That's innate, it's part of who I am, so I didn't choose that. I did, however, choose to LIVE gay. I chose to live as an "out" gay man. This choice was made a lot easier by a wonderful family, supportive friends, and living in a fairly accepting part of the world.

You did not choose to BE gay. Why the hell would anyone choose to be gay? Do people really think you're thinking, "Well, I'm actually physically attracted to women, but just for the hell of it, I'm going to have sex with men, and invite the scorn of my family and friends"? Who would EVER think that?

If your friends still look at you weird, make sure you tell them that just because you're gay doesn't mean you're attracted to THEM. Remind them that they're not attracted to absolutely EVERY woman they see, and it's the same with you. You're not attracted to ALL men - it's just the people you ARE attracted to happen to BE men.

As for your mother, if you feel she knows, you can tell her. Remind her that "getting you a girl" won't help matters at all, any more than getting HER a girl would make her a lesbian. It doesn't work like that.

Acceptance? It'll come. I wish it was pain-free, but you may have some pain along the way. Your counselor is right - "go with the flow". Don't feel you have to "pretend" at anything. Act how you normally would. Some of your traits might be "gay", some might be "straight". Whichever. Don't feel the need to "act straight". Or, for that matter, "act gay". Just be yourself. That'll be the most comfortable thing to do, and it'll make the acceptance come easier.

Best of luck to you!

Lex

Yes, great advice and thanks for the encouragement. My ma probably joking, but she sounded serious. Well I don't feel like getting any girls. That could be too desperate of her.

Btw, I'm from Malaysia, but I used the word 'Auchtung' because just for the fun of it.

Just yesterday and the day before yesterday I brought my classical guitar to college because I wanna kill time during the empty periods (because these two days are nearing the Chinese New Year holidays and the college got to allow the leave for the outstation students).

Needless to say, I practised my guitar during the free periods, and even attempting to get cool guys. and haha... i got nothing in the end, but I get free finger exercises!

 

[Eagle653]

Hi soldierofglory and welcome from me too. I'm glad you are here.

I am glad that you are able to talk with your college counselor. Keep talking with him as he seems to be making sense. Don't worry too much now about girls or your family. Concentrate, instead, on your own feelings about this. Once you get more comfortable with who you are, you will care less about how your brother or mother feel or what they think.

I want to reiterate what others have said: This is NOT a choice! You did not choose to be attracted to men, any more than your brother may be attracted to women. No one, straight or gay, wakes up one morning and says "Which sex will I sleep with tonight? Who do I WANT to be attracted to?" It just is.

Good luck, and welcome again!

 

[soldierofglory]

Hi soldierofglory and welcome from me too. I'm glad you are here.

I am glad that you are able to talk with your college counselor. Keep talking with him as he seems to be making sense. Don't worry too much now about girls or your family. Concentrate, instead, on your own feelings about this. Once you get more comfortable with who you are, you will care less about how your brother or mother feel or what they think.

I want to reiterate what others have said: This is NOT a choice! You did not choose to be attracted to men, any more than your brother may be attracted to women. No one, straight or gay, wakes up one morning and says "Which sex will I sleep with tonight? Who do I WANT to be attracted to?" It just is.

Good luck, and welcome again!

Thanks! Well, I'll consult my councellor more frequently if I could. Now I'm beginning to accept it, but still there's some more friction in this process. I'm pretty sure I am not confused or anything. I already did 'meditate' and 'think over' as what my councellor suggested. As long as there are cute guys around, my eyes will 'auto-focus'. That's pretty almost reflex action.

And one thing - sometimes I really want to talk out about hot guys, but unfortunately, I can't do it to my male friends, or even my brother (because they want to see nice racks and one of the other stuff that are present in women!). What do you usually do if you want to do so?

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>And one thing - sometimes I really want to talk out about hot guys, but unfortunately, I can't do it to my male friends, or even my brother (because they want to see nice racks and one of the other stuff that are present in women!). What do you usually do if you want to do so?

If you don't have any gay friends - or any gay guy who might become friends - why not come here and share?

Lex

 

[soldierofglory]

Hi, now is not a tough week because there's a holiday week for me, so I have something else in my mind.

I went into another one of the local forum/bulletin boards in my place, and found a thread about homosexuals. Needless to say, there's a hell lots of prejudices.

One of the famous ones are 'upbringings' - here:

...As for me, I'm straight but I dont treat these friends of mine any different from my heterosexual friends. And btw, homosexuality is not born with... it is the way you are raised up. Thats why boys are encouraged to play with guns and hotwheels and not Barbie...

What the heck is all this ?? In MY case, however, I'm raised by straight parents, and also playing mostly with man's stuff. But I love cute guys. What say you boys? Hey... guys who played barbie dolls could be straight too.

And not only that, I noticed a lot of straights *approve* lesbians, but not gays. Why is that anyway? Because to see the "magical orbs" and the pu$$y??

 

[G-Lexington]

I played with guns and Hot Wheels as well, and never played with Barbie once. Somehow, I still ended up gay. So no fair blaming on either my parents OR Matell. If it were as easy as that, then my brother and sister should be gay as well. They're not.

As for the lesbian thing? That's pretty easy once you look at it correctly. Many straight guys like lesbian porn since it doubles the eye candy - they get to see two women going at it instead of just one. Plus, there's no guy there, showing the body parts they either don't want to see, or possibly are afraid to see.

As an added bonus, lesbians provide straight guys with an ultimate fantasy - someone who is offlimits who they possibly can make "switch teams". It would appear that there's something extremely attractive about this - that somehow, we're SO sexually alluring that we can make people forgo their sexual programming. Note all the porn ads here on JUB that involve "straight guys", and you'll see what I mean.

Gay guys, on the other hand, can be threatening. I had one co-worker who stopped talking to me when he found out I was gay - he was worried I found him attractive. Then, when he found out I didn't, he got offended - "What's wrong with me, then?" Sort of a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't sort of attitude. In addition, being confronted with a gay man can make any surpressed gay feelings in themselves come to the surface. Feelings that more secure guys either don't have, or have no problem handling.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

I went into another one of the local forum/bulletin boards in my place, and found a thread about homosexuals. Needless to say, there's a hell lots of prejudices.

Stop and think about this for a moment...how would straight people know jackshit about being gay?

Consider the source.

 

[soldierofglory]

Stop and think about this for a moment...how would straight people know jackshit about being gay?

Consider the source.

Yeah unfortunately, not many straight people actually knows about homosexual life.

The worst thing they could say is 'to wish for the person to become straight' and 'hope that these doesn't exist'.

How offensive is these. I wish the world has less prejudices and where people think as a whole.