When Coming Out Goes Bad

[Lube]

Sounds like some really awful role models.

Believe in yourself.

Do you have anyone local to talk to about all this?

 

[bananagoof]

Very glad this thread was started. It's no doubt hard to type about this stuff, but everyone who reads it gets a better sense of just how many ways "coming out" can go.

This pretty much covers it, but I did forget to mention that my mother said that she wished she aborted me, or left me somewhere when I was young. She's since apologized for saying that, but I can hardly talk to her now, let alone look at her.

*deep breath* I'm one of those people who, upon hearing something horrible from someone they deeply love, are forevermore haunted by it. Well, not "haunted". It's more like they've carved it into my body like a scar and signed their name below it. The things people say in anger to hurt me often do. I can't imagine hearing that. Don't get me wrong, I've heard some awful things in my time, and they still really hurt me, even now. But thankfully, not that one. I hope I never hear that one, and I'm sorry you heard it.

Here's the thing that's so hard to accept - people are going to be mean. They're going to be tired, say something petty and cruel...or intolerant and lash out simply because they feel they've failed in some way, or that you're making their life harder, or changing the way their life plays out...parents make an investment when they have children. They tell themselves "I'll raise them well, they'll make me so proud, and then I'll be a grandparent." I think even the most open-minded people who become parents subscribe to this notion on some level, though they are perhaps more able to adapt should the picture change.

I'm not going to say that you should "get over it" or anything...you could probably even spend 40 years just telling yourself you're over it, and playing nice with Mom and still inside feel destroyed some days. The bottom line is...what will make you happy?

Sometimes happiness is accepting the things you can't change and embracing the things you're afraid of. Sometimes happiness is saying "There may be a world of people telling me there is no Santa Claus, but I'm going to hang my stocking anyways and sing carols because it matters to me in my heart." I don't think either way can do you harm.

Lucasss, I would hedge your bets by taking Mom out for a nice evening. Try to do something special, but not in an obvious "Hey, let's pretend I don't have something huge to tell you tonight and instead go see three movies in a row!" sort of way. Just keep it casual and relaxed, but make it special. Show her you care about her, and have a nice time - that will remind her of how much she loves you, and vice versa. Give her the time to settle in and forget that maybe you're arranging all this because there's something important to say. Sure, it might sound manipulative, but it's really not - the idea here is to get to the root of everything. You love each other, you trust each other and you are family.

Then grab a coffee or take a walk through a park or something and tell her gently. I mean, maybe this would not work for you two - I don't know the relationship - but it couldn't hurt to try and approach cautiously.

When I found out she knew, I rushed over to her house to talk with her about it. I don't want to go into detail about everything she said because it was all very painful, but I do remember clearly that she said, "I feel like you just died...like you were falling over a cliff, and no matter how hard I tried to grab you and keep you from falling, I couldn't." She was crying the whole time. She also told me she didn't want me around her children (she was pregnant with her first). Finally she hugged me goodbye, and I left. I went home, called another friend over, and cried on her shoulder for hours.

Man...it's hard enough when friendships end. But to be judged like that by someone you love so deeply. To be told you having sex with someone is like "falling off a cliff"?! That was more about her than you. I'm sure that didn't make it any easier to hear, but truly, that was not about you. That was about her perceptions and her fears and her beliefs.

It's a shame you weren't able to tell her yourself. That might have softened things a little. The fact that you didn't tell your best friend...well, she probably felt hurt that you weren't trusting her completely. So then, in anger she proved herself worthy of your mistrust. That's the way people work sometimes. Sad.

And I doubt mentioning her failed relationships here really made you feel any better (cocks head and stares at you a little). But hey...at least you're both cordial. It doesn't sound like she would have been a good friend for you after all. I hate finding out that a person I've invested in turns out to have faults that will make it impossible to just laugh again.

 

[Nomenclature]

Do you have anyone local to talk to about all this?

Was this question directed at me? If not, i'll just make an ass out of myself and pretend it is.

I've tried to talk to many people about this before, local and not-so-local. It seems like everyone so far has betrayed my trust and stabbed me in the back, or was just looking for something completely different than I was (as in, a relationship/sexual advance when I didn't feel the same way towards them at all. . .including one by a female friend who thought I was just confused and that she could "turn" me. lmao).


So, yeah. . .it's honestly been a complete disaster for me. I would feel bad about it, but honestly I completely see the hilarity in it and that's really kept me going for the longest time now.

 

[Lube]

Was this question directed at me? If not, i'll just make an ass out of myself and pretend it is.

Yes, it certainly was directed at you. I PM'ed you.

 

[unclaimedblessing]

My sister doesn't know about me, but she knows about my cousin and is very concerned, but for a different reason.
She worked in decorating and design in NYC and knew and liked many gays. There are some she didn't like, but that was on an individual basis based upon personalities etc whom she wouldn't have liked if they were hetetos either.

She knew too many who picked the wrong partners and were beaten, used and even murdered. Then the whole AIDS issue and homophobia come into the picture too.

She feels many gays live "too close to the edge" and she worries about him all the time. She doesn't condemn or hate gays, she just feels over-protective and wishes he had a "safer" lifestyle.

So, I guess my point is that some straights really don't care what our sexual persuasion is, just that in some part we are a despised minority and they worry.

 

[saymyname]

I guess I haven't thought about it in a while, and eventually it turned out okay, and my politics are really pro-coming out and I still think it was the best thing I could have done... but sometimes I forget how much of a 'shock' it was to my family and friends.

I came out to my best friend when I was 15 and she was basically speechless and I wanted to disappear because I thought she would tell everyone.

Some other friends new and eventually rumors started at school and I'd get confronted and for about a year, getting through a day of school without getting harassed or questioned was an enormous accomplishment...

As for my family... yeah. My mom's reaction was fucking ridiculous and I've still never forgave her, even though when she looks back on it she says she doesn't remember having a negative reaction. She's great about it nowadays, but when I first told her... the environment was so hostile. She asked me questions like, did someone touch you? Do you want us to get you help? And neither her nor my sister supported me coming out completely (at the time I was 17) so the lack of support really bothered me. My dad lives out in the woods, so my sister told him for me, because I was afraid that if I went out there and told him myself I might not come back (who knows). But his reaction was actually emotionally steady compared to the females.

After that, for a few months I just felt like a fucking freak and an outcast and hated my family. It really took my mom about a year to "get it." So I just quit talking to them all. My mom was so sexually clueless that when I started going on my first dates, she would warn me about STI's and HIV, saying that "it's a different hole" as if she knew anything about anal sex. I started going with guys from out of town to parties in other towns, like an hour away or so, and she hardly knew anything about it because I wouldn't tell her, I'd just go. It's like I had to come out, then actually BE gay, for her to understand that I'm gay.

Now she's really understanding and accepting but will still occasionally say something totally hurtful or ignorant without even realizing it. The rest of my immediate family (my sister, my dad) really piss me off in that they never bring it up, they never acknowledge it, they basically treat me like I'm asexual, never ask about the relationship I've been in close to a year, etc.

I guess that's why I hate where I'm from. It got me in a lot of shit in high school too. A lot a lot. My car got fucked with, I got called names all the time, my friends got death threats, etc. But I'm STILL really pro coming out because it helped me be a stronger person and it got me where I am today. I'd rather be hated for who I was than loved for who I was not kind of thing...

 

[G-Lexington]

Thanks for sharing your stories, all. And for reminding why I need to buy my parents lunch again this weekend.

Lex

 

[Talis11]

Thanks for sharing your stories, all. And for reminding why I need to buy my parents lunch again this weekend.

Lex

I agree. It makes me feel lucky I have the parents that I have. Even though I am not out, both have said they would always love me the way I am, my mum has talked many times about how much she accepts gay people and how I should never judge anyone. I actually think they both know and are just waiting for me now.

 

[Nomenclature]

Who said being gay was wrong? And why?

Mostly religious conservatives, and because it's an "abomination"; You can't have children that way. A lot of people out there seriously think that being married with children is the be-all-end-all of life. I guess sterile couples, seniors re-marrying etc are all abominations, too; They can't have children either.

I hope that someday the coming out process is no longer necessary. It might not be in our lifetimes but I truly hope it happens for someone, someday.

Well, if your parent(s) are gay, then I highly doubt it would matter at all.