When did I become such a pussy...

[bounder]

So earlier this afternoon I was sitting at the kitchen table with my older sister. Nobody else was in the house and I thought this was a good time to tell her that I like men. A gap formed in the conversation and I knew exactly how to fill it. And then I said...

nothing


What the fuck? My sister is probably going to be the easiest of the important people in my life to come out to and I just couldn't say it. The words themselves are simple, but what follows is the hard part. I'm not worried about her reaction, though. I'm pretty sure that while she'll be shocked, she'll be alright with it. I'm reluctant to tell her because she has a history of letting things slip to my mother. And I am by no means ready for that.

I've only been out to myself since February. At first, I thought I'd be able to get by without telling my family (or at least mother) about it. Since I'm also attracted to women, nothing seems out of the ordinary to them. But when the relationship with my boyfriend ended because of it, I knew that I didn't want to lose another person on account of having to hide part of myself from the fam.

I'm not even sure what I'm doing with this post. It's not that I don't know what to say, or how I should bring it up. The shit storm to follow is what's holding me back. If only it was so simple.

 

[Lube]

Why do think it's going to be a shit storm?

 

[Seasoned]

You didn't tell your sister because you are not ready to out yourself to your mother. Take care of yourself first which seems to be what you are doing. Good luck to you.

 

[bounder]

Long story short. My family is from Haiti, and it's just part of the culture to be homophobic. My mother is deeply rooted in the bible, and I know that when I tell she's going to say the devil is taking my soul or something ridiculous. I actually laughed as I typed that because it sounds absurd, but it's the truth. She doesn't take "bad" news well at all, and ultimately, she'll probably think that she can somehow fix it through prayer or something.

 

[DarkHelios]

Sometimes it's just hard for no good reason. I still find it takes a bit of effort to get the words out despite the fact that none of my friends would care.

There were several times where I almost told my brother, but somehow it just didn't happen even though I knew he wouldn't treat me any differently. I'm not sure what was different when I finally told him. I think it helps to say it before you can think about it too much.

Basically, I suggest you keep trying and sooner or later you'll be able to do it. Personally, I find it easiest to mention when I'm ranting about being single

 

[Lube]

Will you be financially independent any time soon? That helps a lot.

 

[bounder]

Well, I just finished my undergrad requirements two weeks ago. I'm looking for a job and trying to move out. Living elsewhere will help, but not so much as far as actually telling my mother goes. It's not something I'd do over the phone (well I could, but then I'd actually be a pussy) and even if I did, whatever I'd be avoiding by not doing it in person would happen the next time we saw each other.

I don't mean to paint my mom or my family in a bad light. They're all good people and I love them. Most of them just happen to be unbelievably backwards on homosexuality.

 

[rareboy]

Be patient with yourself.

You'll tell in your own time,

When you do, have some of the other support sources available to give to family members so that they can do some extra-biblical research on homosexuality and understand you better.

Good luck.

 

[Lube]

^Yes.

In other words, you need to educate them with facts, not the pseudo-Christian crap they've probably been hearing.

Once you move out and are no longer dependent on them, there's not much point in holding back. Sure, they'll be angry/confused/pissed but that's eventually going to happen anyway, right? So might as well get it over with.

But give them lots of education.

 

[bounder]

I can handle angry/confused/pissed. In fact, I'm expecting that at the least. I don't really care whether they're happy with it because I can't change. When I said my mother would try to fix it, I meant that and the woman sometimes has this unending determination. Clearly, whatever she tries is not going to work, but it will be very taxing emotionally.

If it was as simple as them not accepting it but recognizing that there's nothing they do to change the situation, then I would come out right now. But my mother thinks that it's a choice, and there's really not much I can do to convince her otherwise. In the end, I'm going to live my life the way I want to. What I don't know is whether I'll still have a family at that point.

 

[Lube]

If it was as simple as them not accepting it but recognizing that there's nothing they do to change the situation, then I would come out right now. But my mother thinks that it's a choice, and there's really not much I can do to convince her otherwise. In the end, I'm going to live my life the way I want to. What I don't know is whether I'll still have a family at that point.

That's the risk we all take when we come out.

My coming out turned out to be very mild, but I was prepared for the worst.

You just have to stand up to your mother, and in no uncertain terms let her know she's wrong. Over and over again, if you must.

That's what people mean when they say you should be confident before you come out. You have to come out (potentially) with guns blazing. By that I simply mean you've got to stand your ground. No wishy-washy, "Well, OK, I might be bi" or "Well, there are some girls I like." No None of that. (Unless you are bi, of course)

"I am gay and proud of it because it is who I am."

 

[bounder]

I don't care whether she knows that she's wrong or not. When it comes to certain ideals for her, she's unshakable. I could spend the rest of my life, her life (whichever comes first) trying to convince her and not make any progress. I could be wrong, but still, that's a battle I don't really care to fight.

And yes, I am bi. Not that it makes any difference.

 

[Lube]

Well, the only difference is that she's going to push you harder for a woman. It'll actually be harder for you to be bi than gay. "Well if you like men and women equally, why not pick a woman--it'll make your life so much easier", etc.

If she's as pushy as you say, she's going to keep pushing whether she thinks your gay, bi, or straight. Except if you're in the closet, you can't tell her the real reason--you have to constantly make up stories or avoid the issue. After a while (already, maybe), she'll know intuitively (even if she won't admit it). So why not come out when you're ready? It'll make the rest of your life much easier. No more hiding. It's a huge relief for most guys.

 

[bounder]

I didn't say that I wouldn't come out, but rather won't spend the time trying to tell her that she's wrong in her views. Her being OK with my sexuality isn't my concern. But since she thinks its a choice or something that can be overcome, she will incessantly try to "fix" it. Even though she'll fail, I'm not ready to endure that. Ultimately, she'll either give up which might be coupled with some depression on her part for a while because that's just the way she is, or that might be it between us.

 

[Lube]

I didn't say that I wouldn't come out....

she will incessantly try to "fix" it. Even though she'll fail, I'm not ready to endure that.

Well, it sounds like that's exactly what you're saying.

 

[bounder]

^ Ok. Add the implied "yet" at the end of what you quoted and that might make it clearer.

Anyway, I don't want to get into a pissing match about semantics. I appreciate your (and everyone else's) replies in this thread. Thank you.

 

[CudDULL]

It takes a lot of courage and energy to come out when you are ready, its instinct to be scared or apprehensive to come out even to the most nonjudgmental person. When I came out I knew I wanted to be out but I still cried and I still felt this pain in me like I just stabbed myself but trust me, after the initial outting there might be a big storm but afterward there's going get better. It always gets worse before it gets better.

 

[Lube]

^ Ok. Add the implied "yet" at the end of what you quoted and that might make it clearer.

Anyway, I don't want to get into a pissing match about semantics. I appreciate your (and everyone else's) replies in this thread. Thank you.

It's not semantics.

You say you're going to come out. But you're clearly not. You're arguing in circles.

My advice still stands.

 

[bounder]

You say you're going to come out. But you're clearly not. You're arguing in circles.

Not sure when this turned into an argument.

And just so I know I'm not misreading anything. I'm clearly not what?

 

[Lube]

I don't care whether she knows that she's wrong or not. When it comes to certain ideals for her, she's unshakable. I could spend the rest of my life, her life (whichever comes first) trying to convince her and not make any progress. I could be wrong, but still, that's a battle I don't really care to fight.

I didn't say that I wouldn't come out, but rather won't spend the time trying to tell her that she's wrong in her views.

Not sure when this turned into an argument.

And just so I know I'm not misreading anything. I'm clearly not what?

Not going to come out--any time soon.

You keep saying you're not afraid of coming out, but then you keep saying you don't want to argue with her. If you're not arguing with her, then you're not out, are you? Because as soon as you out yourself to her, she's going to start arguing. And nothing will stop her. (At least, so you think.)

Well, there's nothing you can do to change her. So why does that prevent you from coming out?