When do you know the time is right?

[G-Lexington]

>>>. I should wait until the time is right, when I am ready....so last week, I was on manhunt at around 2 am...

Sorry, just thought that was really funny for some reason.

OK, first off. Unprotected sex. Stupid. Go get tested, go get tested again in a couple months, stock up on lube and condoms, and never ever ever do it again until you're at least six months into this forever-lover relationship in your imagination. Got it? Good.

Perhaps this guy isn't Mr Right, but (as the saying goes) perhaps he's Mr Right-Now. And as long as you and he are both aware of this, and feel the same way, there's nothing wrong with that. Meet up once in awhile, hang out, boink, whatever. But keep your options open. Keep meeting people, keep forming relationships of all stripes. Eventually you'll click with somebody.

Lex

 

[JetSetJake]

I have had some similar issues and so I understand 100% what you mean about the social anxiety and the problems that can pose to life in general as well as dating etc.

I don't profess to know when the time is right to get into a relationship or dating or whatever, but my advice would be this: take it on an individual basis. If you meet someone (as you have) and enjoy their company, then spend as much time with them as you want. If a relationship grows between you then good, if not, then that's fine too - maybe you've at least made a friend and a step closer to being free of the anxiety and to meeting somebody you do want to have a relationship with.

However, I do think you should look at each guy on an individual basis too - and not compare him or worry about whether you might meet somebody "better". Look at the guy for the person he is, how you feel around each other etc. Don't think on the basis of "is this the best I can do?" or "who might be waiting for me around the corner?".

Take each step one at a time. If you still enjoy being with this guy, be with him, do things with him etc. If you meet somebody else while being "involved" with this guy, then that doesn't mean that you can't get to know the new guy too, just be careful that you don't hurt anyone or indeed yourself.

Take care

 

[KaraBulut]

You know, Lucky7... one of the reasons that most gay men suck at dating is that they miss out on the years of practice that straight people get while dating in junior high school and high school. Gay people usually get thrown into the dating scene after high school and they suddenly think they have to make up for all that lost time.

One piece of advise that I wil re-emphasize from Lex's post. The point of dating is not to find someone to commit to. The point of dating is to enjoy the company of the other person. Don't put all this extra pressure that comes from unrealistically high expectations onto yourself or the other person. Really- dating is supposed to be fun.

With that said, you now have the opportunity to get caught up on dating now that you are 20. Enjoy it, do it often and learn from it.

And don't ever have sex without a condom ever ever ever again.

 

[Danno517]

I couldn't agree more. I would add that a part of dating is finding out more about yourself. What's important to you, etc. You may find that the things you thought were such a big deal, really aren't.

As far as love . . . I personally think that takes time. Lust is easy. Love needs to be built IMO.

Enjoy being 20. You should be having fun (to reitearate, SAFE fun). I wish you the best of luck.

 

[drhladnjak]

First, there's no perfect guy out there. Everybody is damaged goods in one way or another. The best you can hope for is somebody you get along with who makes you happy and whose downsides you can deal with.

Second, unlike what you may have seen in the movies, people very rarely fall completely in love upon meeting. Relationships, both sexual and platonic, take time and effort to build. Stop worrying about this guy being perfect enough and worry about getting to know him. In time, it'll work or it won't. Either way, you'll be more experienced from it and have enjoyed getting to know somebody.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>he said he was tested in December and always plays safe.

Dude, he lets you bareback him. That's the exact opposite of "playing safe". Perhaps he makes you feel special by saying that everyone else has to use a condom except you, but I'm betting you're not the only exception to this rule.

>>>If we both test negative.. should I still hold off for 6 months?

No, you should hold out forever unless you're absolutely 100% positive that you're the only one who's having sex with him. And no, his word isn't good enough. If he let you bareback, he probably lets others do the same. Call a halt to it. Get tested, get tested again in a few months, condoms, lube, every friggin' time. Not "just this once". Not "we got into the heat of the moment". Not "one more for the road". EVERY FRIGGIN' TIME.

>>>I guess it's how much I'm willing to trust someone with my life.

Bingo.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

I've topped him several times unprotected ...he said he always plays safe

Oh brother. " Always" must have a different meaning for this guy.

We're a little bit of a sidetrack here but this is very important. Barebacking is a personal choice but it is a lot like a game of Russian roulette. If you keep having unprotected sex with people- you will contract an STD. That might be something fixable like gonorrhea or a nasty little UTI. That might be something a little less fixable like herpes. That might be something that is gonna mess you up for the rest of your life.

Don't get trapped into these false security things of 6 month month waiting periods, relative probabilities and other things. Don't believe people who say "you're the only one" or "I'm safe with everyone else".

Eventually your number will be up if you keep having unsafe sex.

Back on track a bit-
In reading back over this thread, this guy sounds like a fuckbuddy. Then in a subsequent post, you're talking about six months like this is something a little more lasting and permanent.

One of the first things here for you to decide is exactly what this thing with the guy is. Are you dating? Are you just fucking? Do you want to date? Do you want to date him?

Fuckbuddies are perfect fine. Fuckbuddies that you like are even better. But if you are 20 and you want to date and find someone that you have an emotional connection (in addition to a physical connection), then fuckbuddies can waste a lot of your time that could be spent find that special someone....

 

[drhladnjak]

I've topped him several times unprotected ...he said he always plays safe

We're a little bit of a sidetrack here but this is very important. Barebacking is a personal choice but it is a lot like a game of Russian roulette. If you keep having unprotected sex with people- you will contract an STD. That might be something fixable like gonorrhea or a nasty little UTI. That might be something a little less fixable like herpes. That might be something that is gonna mess you up for the rest of your life.

Not to belabor this point too much, but KaraKulut is right here except I'll take it a little farther. Eventually, you won't just get any old STD, you'll eventually get HIV if you keep barebacking unknown guys. And for the record, condoms don't really prevent transmission of herpes and you can just as easily catch pretty much all the STDs (except for HIV) from unprotected oral sex (giving or receiving).

Please be careful. You only get one life. Don't let yourself fuck it up over this one guy.

 

[G-Lexington]

I don't consider it a "trust" issue - I consider it a safety issue. If a passenger gets into your car, and puts on a seatbelt, do you look pained and say "What's the matter - don't you trust me?" Would you try to guilt trip him into not wearing a seatbelt? Shit happens. Your partner might have something that he doesn't know about. You might have something that HE doesn't know about. It's a lot safer with the condoms on, so just get used to it. Don't look at it as "something to get over" - look at it as something you just DO.

Will there come a time when it's probably safe? Sure. Once you move in together, start a life together, and are obviously in it for the long haul. Untli then, no.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

However, at what point do you trust someone? I know that to be safe, condoms should always be used, but if you get into a long-term relationship with someone, do you always have to believe in the possibilty of them cheating?


This is a very difficult question to answer- it's really more of a personal decision.

Lex sums it up- when two people in a relationship have made a long-term commitment to monogamy and there is trust, then they often get more lax on safe sex practices.

You're still a ways from that kind of commitment with this guy.

With that said, there was another thread over in the Health and Wellness forum about anal sex and hygeine. Condoms serve another purpose besides protecting the bottom in anal sex- it also provides practical protection from urinary tract infections for the top. Back in the days before condoms, gay men got a lot of UTIs. After a few hours in microbiology and pathophysiology class learning about fecal coliform bacteria, the use of condoms makes a lot more sense- even in a commited, monogamous relationship.

Asses are wonderfully fun. But they're not exactly the cleanest part of the human body.


Secondly, the goal is dating. He suggested it, and we talk about it. He said if I don't want to date, fuckbuddies is fine too, but I'm not really interested in that.

That's awesome. It would be great if the two of you can backtrack a little bit and try dating in addition to the current fuckbuddy thing that you have going.