When do you tell him?

[BostonPirate]

I have a buddy who has a history of dating people that are abusive and angry, and it seemed like he wasn't going to repeat it this time. He told everyone how nice the new guy was and we, all of his buddies, had alot of hope for him.

then we started worrying because he was hiding the guy and wouldn't let anyone meet him.

He finally brought him to a gathering of our group of friends, and it is not only the same as before, but worse. The guy is a control freak who actually claps his hands and says chop chop if my buddy doesn't obey quickly enough. that he did this in front of us was alarming. one of those moments when the conversation stops and people just sit and stare at each other with a "what the fuck" look on their faces.

So when do we let this guy know what we think. After this many times, I am inclined to just let it be and let the drama play out on its own, but the two other guys think we have the responsibility to tell him we are concerned. they think he will get pissed but they don't care. they don't want to have to deal with the mess of what this will predictably turn into, and they want to tell him he's screwing up and if he continues he's on his own.

I am not that inclined to just walk away from him if he is hurt, no matter how predictable the turn out may be. they want to tell him that it looks like he's doing the exact same thing and this time they wont hold his hand afterwards.

I am trying to convince them to just let it be and if it goes bad to tell him we support him but this is the last time. they think he has had enough chances and just don't want the drama.

I don't have a clue whether to go along with them or not.

when are you being a bad friend by not speaking up when you have concerns like this?

 

[fetaby]

He doesn't want to be saved.

 

[gsdx]

Sadly, I agree with Fetaby on this one. I don't think there's anything you can do for your friend except to be there for him when he needs you, and the day will come when he will need you. Just keep your eyes on him and step in only if you see genuine signs of physical abuse.

As strange as it may seem, some people are so insecure that they actually feel secure in an abusive relationship.

 

[BostonPirate]

thats what I was thinking. So I am probably just going to tell them if they want to talk to him about it, i don;t want to be involved.

but that makes me feel like I'm wimping out.

 

[hawkia]

Did anyone say anything to Mr chop chop like WTF?

 

[sabot3ur]

aren't you allowed your opinions on his relationships?

you should just straight up tell him what you see and maybe he'll listen, maybe he won't.

 

[gsdx]

Did anyone say anything to Mr chop chop like WTF?

Now there's an idea. Talk to Mr. Chop Chop alone and let him know you're on to him and that he should watch his step.

 

[fetaby]

Sadly, I agree with Fetaby on this one.

It's okay. The world will not end.

 

[gsdx]

It's okay. The world will not end.

It didn't come out quite right, did it?

It made sense when I wrote it.

 

[CumAlong]

The way I put it with my best friend was something like this:

I'm your best friend, which means I'm gonna do what I need to do for YOU. You have plenty of other shitty friends who will pat you on the back, tell you to do what you want and be there for you when its all over. However, its my job to be better than that for you, and I expect you to do the same. You may get angry with me, be annoyed at my bluntness or not want to hear it, but I am doing it for your own good. If you want a pity party and everyone to tell you that everything will be OK, your best friend is not the one to go to. Any shmuck can do that for you.

So far, not once has she ever stayed mad for me being straight forward and honest. Sure she might have been hurt the first day, but afterwards would thank me when I saved her from a bad relationship or situation, when everyone else was ready to let it run its course.

It's up to you though. Do you care enough about your friend to let him be mad at you for a little bit, even if it is best for him in the long run.

 

[JayHawk]

I agree with above.... that would have never gone past without a rash of shit falling on the clap on clap off guy

 

[vulgar_newcomer]

Leave it alone.
Your advice won't be appreciated even if your friend tells you that he values your honesty .

I have a good friend who has a history of dating nut jobs who he thnks he can change, save or maybe deserves. Whatever the word is "history" not isolated cases.
They beat him up, the cops come, drama, arrest, and the cycle repeats over booze and who knows. Its disgusting and even though I tried to butt in giving my opinion many times over the years, they cycle always repeats.
The friend rejects what other says and does what of course they want to. I care not to hear about his latest black eye or getting kicked out of there current home because of fighting and complainants from neighbors.

Limit your exposure to behaviors you find objectionable and distant yourself that will send your friend the message louder than any words. You know stay friends and be cool but just back out of being in a place where you hear or see more than you care to if at all possible.

Words to live by;

Friends are your chosen family, family are your unchosen friends

 

[fetaby]

Leave it alone.
Your advice won't be appreciated even if your friend tells you that he values your honesty .

I have a good friend who has a history of dating nut jobs who he thnks he can change, save or maybe deserves. Whatever the word is "history" not isolated cases.
They beat him up, the cops come, drama, arrest, and the cycle repeats over booze and who knows. Its disgusting and even though I tried to butt in giving my opinion many times over the years, they cycle always repeats.
The friend rejects what other says and does what of course they want to. I care not to hear about his latest black eye or getting kicked out of there current home because of fighting and complainants from neighbors.

Limit your exposure to behaviors you find objectionable and distant yourself that will send your friend the message louder than any words. You know stay friends and be cool but just back out of being in a place where you hear or see more than you care to if at all possible.

Words to live by;

Friends are your chosen family, family are your unchosen friends

Some times "friends" don't even deserve that. At what point does it stop being a friendship? At what point is an individual held accountable for the decisions they make?