When I woke up...

[bwbw86]

Talk about waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

Today I woke up and just had this awful feeling, that everything about my life was wrong. That I'd fucked up really really bad, and that I should change and then how hard that was gonna be. The first words that played in my brain were "I really can't do this anymore." By 'do this' I mean, be gay.

I've had the same thoughts for a good 7 years now, at least but today they hit me harder than ever. It's just this overpowering feeling of dread and frustration. It's faded a little bit, but not enough. Never enough.

I don't know if it's the fact that I've never been in a good relationship. I mean I dated plenty of girls, and that was fun yeah. But I never got what I wanted. I've always wanted...wanted...wanted...and never gotten. And I thought I knew what I wanted, but apparantly I don't. Basically I've gone through a shit-ton of the ever more cliche falling for straight guys and have never learned. But it's not really something you learn not to do...is it? I mean...you can't just shut off those feelings. I mean, it sucks, but there can't be too much wrong with just loving someone.

Anyway, there's that, and there's my identity crisis. I absolutely hate identifying as gay, because I feel like I must immediately identify with all of the annoying cliches that go with it. Maybe it's a pride issue, but I can honestly say that I'm pretty much your average guy. I just like hanging out and driving around and shit. Sometimes it's just like god, the idea of being with a girl appeals to me so much. I know most people (me included) would say that it's just society's standards being drilled into my head, but I mean...I think it might be what I want. Sometimes I think I just want a group of good guy friends...and maybe that's all that I've been missing. Maybe I'm getting my desires confused. I mean...maybe because I've wanted to fit in, and to have good guys to hang out with and do guy stuff with...maybe that desire went so deep that it turned into wanting a guy to love. I honestly just never know.

So much about my future scares me. But then there's my past...

I don't know which one is scarier.

 

[RyeGuy]

I know how ya feel man. i also dislike all the stereotypes that go along with identifying as gay, but the thing is, they're just stereotypes- there's no reason why they should have to apply to you.

unless you're bisexual, i really don't think there's a way you can just say, i'm not going to have sex with guys. i mean, i guess you can, if you want to take a vow of celibacy, but there's definitely probably no way you'll start thinking of guys, maybe checking them out. I favor the nature over nature argument about why we're gay.

i dont know man; all i guess i can say at this point is go forward with an open mind. it could be a girl, it could be a guy that you finally end up with. It sounds like you're just looking for someone who really gets you, if you'll pardon the cliche. If you just go through your day with an open outlook, i'm sure that person'll come to you, or come into your life somehow. then again, it could just be the hopeless romantic in me

best of luck man.

 

[timnmostud]

Like a lot of people do easily, you are thinking about labels and cliches. Try to shed all of that you can and just be yourself. Stop worrying about all of that. You are just you and that is all. As far as your sexuality, that is just who you are, too. I'm not really clear on where you are with all of that and you may not be either just yet. All I can say is think about what you fantasize when you masturbate. That is usually my gauge for where your sexuality lies. Good luck.

 

[WYSIWYG]

I agree with timnmostud and Hollisterman, you need to figure out who you are and what you want! Labels are just a way society likes to peg people and put them in a place to 'control' them! Being gay can be from one extreme to the other, from being a flamer, to being just an average joe! Just look at JUB to find any of these men and lots inbetween!

As mentioned, you need to sit down and think what you feel and want sexually and more, Sounds like your interested in a relationship if you could find one. Also sounds like you have picked the wrong guy or gal to be with! I can promise you that there is someone out there waiting for you!

A word of caution please, do NOT be swayed by others to be different than you are. Do NOT listen to others to do this or do that for the sake of 'fitting in', because in the end you will be very very unhappy that you were not your own man! That's what I did, I listened to others. Comments were made like, 'Why aren't you married?'; or 'when are you going to have a girlfriend?' Well I did all that and more and I was the most unhappy man on this planet!

I hope this helps you man. Whatever you choose to do, do it for you and not what society says, or friends or family say. Life is too short not to be in love and/or happy! Whom you chose to love and share a bed with is no ones business!

 

[Horschallen]

Being someone in a gay community is very much like being someone in the deaf community. THere are so many things I, as the deaf person, do not like about things that happen or are valued in the deaf community, but I still live in it and work in the field serving deaf people.

 

[bwbw86]

Thanks guys. I'm just feeling real alone and it's good to get encouragement.

 

[timnmostud]

Thanks guys. I'm just feeling real alone and it's good to get encouragement.

Anytime! That's the best part of being on here!

 

[screwnutty]

Basically I've gone through a shit-ton of the ever more cliche falling for straight guys and have never learned. But it's not really something you learn not to do...is it? I mean...you can't just shut off those feelings. I mean, it sucks, but there can't be too much wrong with just loving someone.

Anyway, there's that, and there's my identity crisis. I absolutely hate identifying as gay, because I feel like I must immediately identify with all of the annoying cliches that go with it. Maybe it's a pride issue, but I can honestly say that I'm pretty much your average guy.

Hey BwBw86! Welcome to Jub!

First off, don't come down hard on yourself for falling for straight guys. It happens to all of us....even though some of us might not admit it. As for learning not to fall for straight guys....we never learn. I guess it more or less we learn that once we know he's straight, we start to pull ourselves away from them. Hell I'm 31, and I still fall for straight guys....especially those straight guys that act alittle girlish or who are shy or who act gay sometimes. But as soon as i find out there straight...bang I'm gone. It just going to take practise and somehow you gotta learn not to fall for them too hard (i know easier said then done!)

As for identifying as gay. Ummm I'm an average guy, I love video games, action movies, horror movies, detest chick flicks, carnage, expolsions, fast cars, Jeeps, baseball, hockey, I can't be bothered to make sure my socks match my shirt or that I'm 100% groomed to the tee or that my nails are polished and my hair combed just right. I sure as hell can't tell you what would go well with your white blinds in your bedroom or what colour would bring out the best in your living room.

I'm just a guy.

Just one guy.

Just a guy who at the end of the day hopes that he has somebody special to spend his time with.

Just happens that the special somebody has to be male.

So don't be too hard on yourself and if you need somebody to chat too or bounce off your frustrations then feel free to add me to your msn messenger or windows live messenger. I chat with alot of ppl on here and well i may not have all the answers to your questions...it does beat sitting there alone by yourself letting your emotions get the best of you!

hope to talk to you in the future!

 

[Grey_Sky]

Yeah, it's sad to be labeled for something you're not... being the minority always sucks, and the minority within the minority is even worse!!

I too find it desperating how difficult it is to meet average, boy-next-door gay guys arround. Guys that are not exclusively worried about their looks... Sometimes is like being alone in a crowd.

 

[bwbw86]

I've decided that I'm going to counseling. Everything's just too much.

 

[timnmostud]

I've decided that I'm going to counseling. Everything's just too much.

Nothing wrong with that! In fact, it's agreat choice. Sometimes, just having someone help you sort things out is a huge help. I have gone to counseling before, one of the things I alway thought was interesting was the talking to someone and actually hearing myself say something aloud to someone else actually, helped me to realize some things. Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[screwnutty]

I've decided that I'm going to counseling. Everything's just too much.

Hey whatever it takes right. Whatever you need to help you sort out your feelings and life!

 

[jonty55]

I feel for you. I'm 52 and still in the closet. I haven't got a lover. Trouble is, I'm pretty good looking for my age and women want me - everyone can't understand why I'm not married. I'm out to a very select few friends, both male and female. I've been to counselling and got nowhere.

I hope you fair better.

 

[Tommyboy69]

I've decided that I'm going to counseling. Everything's just too much.

Good choice! I went to a counselor when I was going through issues very similar to yours. A lot of what he said was pure bullshit but some helped.

One thing he suggested I do was go to an adult video store and rent both gay and straight porn--watch both and see which really turned me on! For me--dick yes pussy no--lol!

I too am just an average guy who just happens to like guys!!

Hope this helps. Also PM me or find me on Yahoo messanger if ya just want to chat or ask for an opinion on something!

 

[kyless85]

hey check your inbox, i sent you a message bwbw86

 

[Pathicus]

I've decided that I'm going to counseling. Everything's just too much.

Counselling may be a good idea. A lot of guys (both gay and straight) suffer from depression in their late teens early twenties. Look, life is difficult. Finding out who you are (and being happy with that) and how you fit into the world is tough. Trust me I've lived through really dark times. Just don't give up OK?

Having someone to talk to is really important. However, I advise you to be careful in choosing your counselor. There are some that may have very conservative opinions about homosexuality and give you very misguided advice.

The people on these boards are cool and many have also experienced bad episodes in their lives. It's good that you posted here to release those pent up emotions. You might feel very alone right now, but you're not. There are caring people on JUB who can give you support and advice whenever you need it.

All the best mate.

 

[BiGuy8705]

I feel the same way sometimes. It is as if the only thing I have in common with the rest of the community is liking guys as a whole, everything else, I don't really fit in. I'll be at a car show with my straight friends, and they'll be kissing their girlfriends in the parking lot, or even walk around holding hands, and it just hits me that I'll never be able to do that.

 

[AMVette]

bwbw86, you gotta hang in there dude. Its tough, trust me I know, I seem to be the only gay guy within 50 miles of Los Angeles who loves working on his car. It can get lonely, but enjoy the simple things in life and appreciate what you already have. Hope you feel better

-Alex

 

[maxpowr9]

You are not the only gay guy that feels this way. Many gay guys hate the stereotypes that are portrayed. I do as well because I dont fit them. I feel like im the only gay, hippie, geek (and future businessman) out there and that i wont find anyone. I keep my head up high with optimism that there is someone out there for me.
As for chasing the straight guy. Its something all gay guys go through and we have to learn to accept them as friends and only that.

Just know that alot of us here support each other in many ways.