When on a date...

[number42]

How do you guys behave?

I have been dating some guys and i noticed they all seem to switch to 'friend' mode after a while. I became friends with all of them (none of them actually got my romantic interest anyway) but i started to worry that i might act as a friend rather than a date...

I have been pushed in a closet for years and forced myself to act straight with the guys... i think i find it difficult to act myself on a date. A while ago, i even discovered that i act 'straight' as in, i cheer when a woman starts poledancing or something, while i am 100% gay. I always did it to avoid people suspecting i'm gay. Now everyone knows, and i still have this behaviour of acting like a straight guy.
Around women i am caring and loving, around guys i'm tough and straight.

Has anyone had the same? I'm really confused... and afraid that i can't get myself out of this fake behaviour

 

[altlover85]

How do you guys behave?

I have been dating some guys and i noticed they all seem to switch to 'friend' mode after a while. I became friends with all of them (none of them actually got my romantic interest anyway) but i started to worry that i might act as a friend rather than a date...

I have been pushed in a closet for years and forced myself to act straight with the guys... i think i find it difficult to act myself on a date. A while ago, i even discovered that i act 'straight' as in, i cheer when a woman starts poledancing or something, while i am 100% gay. I always did it to avoid people suspecting i'm gay. Now everyone knows, and i still have this behaviour of acting like a straight guy.
Around women i am caring and loving, around guys i'm tough and straight.

Has anyone had the same? I'm really confused... and afraid that i can't get myself out of this fake behaviour

While I've never had that problem (I tend to treat people the same regardless of sex for the most part) if it's something you are aware of, it's something you can change with time, so don't despair.

How would you like to act? More vulnerable around other guys? Less protective of women? Where are you that you start cheering for female pole dancers?

Do you have any gay friends? If not, work on finding some. It might help.

 

[number42]

While I've never had that problem (I tend to treat people the same regardless of sex for the most part) if it's something you are aware of, it's something you can change with time, so don't despair.

How would you like to act? More vulnerable around other guys? Less protective of women? Where are you that you start cheering for female pole dancers?

Do you have any gay friends? If not, work on finding some. It might help.

...I dont KNOW how i would like to act, i don't think 'vulnerable' is the right word but i would like guys that i date to know i CAN be a caring boyfriend, and not just a 'cool' friend. Cause i have plenty of male friends, all straight who think i'm a nice dude, they like me but for being... cool.
And around gay guys (the ones i'm dating, at least) i want to be more... caring... sweet. But I think that's what you meant by vulnerable, right?

How i am around girls, i don't care. This is purely my frustration on how i cannot connect to a potential mate/boyfriend. Friends i have plenty, male and female.

You're right about connecting with gay friends... i try. But there are so little here (i live in fucking Amsterdam, how can i not find a gay man there), i just can't figure out how i should find them.

 

[hylas]

You're right about connecting with gay friends... i try. But there are so little here (i live in fucking Amsterdam, how can i not find a gay man there), i just can't figure out how i should find them.

holy cow dude, you really are new at this, arent you!
try de trut. roque isnt too bad, either. in terms of dating sites i use planet romeo, although i think gay.nl has more members (but i hate their messaging system)

make some gay friends you arent romantically interested in (and who arent romantically inetersted in you) and hang out, everything will come in good time.

but generally speaking, if you are on a date with a guy, and that guy knows its a date, then i dont think anybody would lose interest because youre 'not gay enough'.

 

[HunterM]

I get very flirty on a date. I also get touchy...touching hands, rubbing shoulders, grabbing ass, stroking inner thigh and occasional crotch grabbing under the table if the chemistry is right.

 

[number42]

holy cow dude, you really are new at this, arent you!
try de trut. roque isnt too bad, either. in terms of dating sites i use planet romeo, although i think gay.nl has more members (but i hate their messaging system)

make some gay friends you arent romantically interested in (and who arent romantically inetersted in you) and hang out, everything will come in good time.

but generally speaking, if you are on a date with a guy, and that guy knows its a date, then i dont think anybody would lose interest because youre 'not gay enough'.

I often go to Prik with a student association called ASVGay (Amsterdam Student Association Gay), some guys there have actually shown me around a bit... But most of them are feminine guys. I just don't feel comfortable around them But i've never been to the trut, to be honest, even tough i know it exists.
I'll try going to these places some more. Thanks for the advice.

 

[altlover85]

What I'm not understanding is why you labeled your behavior in the first post as "fake". Would you like to act differently?

It could be you just haven't met the right guy yet and that you don't really have to change how you act.

Have you ever asked any of the guys you've dated why you moved into the friend zone?

 

[Seasoned]

This is probably just your inner filter so as not to have appeared gay when you were in the closet. My circle of friends always referred to that as "butching it up." Forcing yourself to comment on a guy, touching his arm, complimenting his eyes, shirt, etc. should all be of some help to you.

 

[pat grimshaw]

… But most of them are feminine guys. I just don't feel comfortable around them…

yes some are them are so wispy and sickly. I don't like it

 

[hylas]

But most of them are feminine guys. I just don't feel comfortable around them

just get over it. there is nothing more tedious than a gay guy complaining about the femmes. you dont have to be attracted to feminine guys, just be friendly. in fact, at your stage, its probably better to have some gay friends around to whom youre absolutely not attracted to. it keeps things simple for the start, and it gives you people you can hang out and explore the scene with.

 

[rjmrjm21]

How do you guys behave?

I have been dating some guys and i noticed they all seem to switch to 'friend' mode after a while. I became friends with all of them (none of them actually got my romantic interest anyway) but i started to worry that i might act as a friend rather than a date...

I have been pushed in a closet for years and forced myself to act straight with the guys... i think i find it difficult to act myself on a date. A while ago, i even discovered that i act 'straight' as in, i cheer when a woman starts poledancing or something, while i am 100% gay. I always did it to avoid people suspecting i'm gay. Now everyone knows, and i still have this behaviour of acting like a straight guy.
Around women i am caring and loving, around guys i'm tough and straight.

Has anyone had the same? I'm really confused... and afraid that i can't get myself out of this fake behaviour

Some guys actually like other guys who are "tough and straight." Too me...if you like dick...you are a fa-g...no matter if you wear spikes or ripped jeans or leather. You are still GAY. So I don't sweat the attitude. On a date, I am always myself. I am easygoing. I like to laugh. I am warm. I am always CLASSY! Nice to wait staff. If another guy wants more then, he will let me know and I willl let him know. That's how I roll. Take it or leave it.

 

[number42]

What I'm not understanding is why you labeled your behavior in the first post as "fake". Would you like to act differently?

It could be you just haven't met the right guy yet and that you don't really have to change how you act.

Have you ever asked any of the guys you've dated why you moved into the friend zone?

Well i don't know if it's "fake", i just know it's not who i usually am. It might be the stress... i get very nervous when i meet someone for the first time. Not just on a date... everyone.

I didn't, maybe i should ask them, thanks for the tip =)

This is probably just your inner filter so as not to have appeared gay when you were in the closet. My circle of friends always referred to that as "butching it up." Forcing yourself to comment on a guy, touching his arm, complimenting his eyes, shirt, etc. should all be of some help to you.

This is how i feel! Butching it up! I've tought about forcing myself to comment on a guy, but i'm afraid that it will be too made, like i'm artificially giving a compliment... which it kinda is.

Okay i might be a bit... whining here. You guys have given me some good advice, i will do the best i can to get this out of my system. You're really a great help =D

Some guys actually like other guys who are "tough and straight." Too me...if you like dick...you are a fa-g...no matter if you wear spikes or ripped jeans or leather. You are still GAY. So I don't sweat the attitude. On a date, I am always myself. I am easygoing. I like to laugh. I am warm. I am always CLASSY! Nice to wait staff. If another guy wants more then, he will let me know and I willl let him know. That's how I roll. Take it or leave it.

Yeah the easygoing part is where i fall short haha =P But i think this is a good attitude. I'll try to develop this.


@Hylas, it's not that i complain about feminine guys, i just don't think they're my kind of people. I don't complain about gothics, but they're not my kind of people either. I would not feel at ease when i'm the only non-gothic in a room of gothics. You know?
And don't get the above wrong... one of my best friends was a gothic... I just mean the entire subculture, i couldn't live in it. Same with feminine guys. I don't think i could feel at ease when everyone around me is just feminine. And at the club, they're ALL femmes.

 

[KaraBulut]

The whole point of coming out is to end all the acting.

So, if you want to cheer at a female pole-dancer, then cheer.

And you should just be yourself on a date... or at least the well-behaved version of yourself.

It's hard to second guess why your dates haven't gone in a romantic direction. Some guys may think you didn't like them before you didn't make a move. Some guys may not want to get involved with someone so new to the scene. Some guys may not have felt any romantic interest.

If you ended up in the friend zone with guys you have gone out with, why don't you ask them why you ended up in the friend zone? You might get more accurate feedback.

 

[saymyname]

Look at how much you are relying on labels and subcultural signifiers in order to explain personality. You think being gay is akin to being a "goth" person. Just be yourself. And not everyone at gay clubs is femme. Come on. You sound like you have some pretty obvious hangups about masculinity/effiminacy. It's no wonder why you yourself "butch it up" and at the same time have a distaste for "queeny" gay guys... if you weren't so afraid of femininity you wouldn't be the one that felt the need to "butch it up".

 

[hylas]

i still think you have a bit of a hang-up and you need to get over it. prik is definitely not full of femmes.

 

[Bent-On]

It could be that you're simply not into the guys that you're dating. Better luck next time?

Also, how old are you guys? (Number42 and hylas)

 

[hylas]

im in my mid 20es, why?

 

[Bent-On]

Just wondering.

 

[number42]

I'm 20.
I only go to Prik with the club, ASVGay. Most of the members are lesbians, but a lot of the few gays there are... femme. I met some non-femme there. Don't get me wrong; i hang out with either. I just seem to be able to talk more easily to the non-femme guys.

But hey! That was not the point of this thread!

You guys are right about me having a hangup. Is this a valid reason to see a psychiatrist?
Maybe i just need more time...

 

[dhchitown1984]

Hey number42. I definitely don't think talking to a counselor is a bad idea. I decided to see a counselor a while ago, and he was incredibly helpful and my discussions with him were very beneficial.

I sort of had the same hesitations when I was first coming out.... I loathed guys that I determined to be "too effeminate." At the end of the day, I had to get over my own internal homophobias. No shame in my game, thats what was going on.... I knew who I was, but I was afraid of how I would be perceived. It sounds like you're in the same boat, which is OK as long as you can recognize that and want to improve how you feel about yourself and others. Long story short, talking to someone about it was so beneficial and really allowed me to not care how other people perceive me.