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(When) Should I be the one to ask him to be my boyfriend?

L

lurkernomore

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I've been dating this guy for almost two months. We've established that we're exclusively dating. We are seeing each other once or twice a week. We're fond of each other. We usually go to the movies, hold hands, kiss, and do sexy things (lol). He's told me he loves me, but I'm not sure if it's the I love you I love you way or "love ya" I love you way (in text message). I haven't told him the same, I just told him I really like him.

I'm thinking of asking him to be my boyfriend soon but I don't know if I should wait a little bit more or wait for him to be the one to do it. I haven't had a boyfriend before (just dates) and I'm 28. I'm afraid of him turning me down. I've just been rejected by a guy last year.

I could use some of your stories and experiences. Thanks!
 
I think if he's used the words "I love you" in any sense, then he probably won't turn you down if you ask him to be his boyfriend. If it feels right, just go for it. If he rejects that would suck, but it's kind of part of the experience. It doesn't seem like he will though based on what you've described. It seems like you're already pretty much there in terms of a relationship.
 
"What ifs" can drive us crazy. We sometimes think we have more power than we actually do. In normal situations, and this sounds like a normal situation, a word, a question or a glance or look can't have as much of an impact as we sometimes think.

Your instinct tells you to ask. The fact that you are asking for advice rather than having already asked him means that you are thoughtful and perhaps cautious as you have been turned down in the past.

You have a question about his, I love yous. Why not start by asking him what he means?

Without having told him you love him, asking to be boyfriends could seem a bit odd, at least in my view.

Wondering if you ought to wait for him to ask you and holding back on telling him how you feel are signs that you are afraid to take a risk based on your last experience. Romance, in my sense of the word, is all about passion and risk.

I'm going to caution you about safety and relationships. Getting him to say yes ought not be the end of any quest or make you feel whole or complacent. I don't know you so I won't presume that your question to us is about that.

From what you've written it seems as though this could be the start of a long term relationship. I hope for your sake it is.

While there is a certain sense of comfort and relief in finding someone who commits to you, do realize that relationships, again, in my opinion, need to be earned on a daily basis with love, affection, passion, kindnesses, commitment, communication and trust. Those element ought to be apparent before the proposal is made. They don't just spontaneously appear the day you agree to be boyfriends.

I would start with this: the next time he says, "I love you," finish this sentence, "when I hear you say that to me, I think _______, and I feel ______."
 
Seasoned said:
I would start with this: the next time he says, "I love you," finish this sentence, "when I hear you say that to me, I think _______, and I feel ______."
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Yup. Perfect.

Two of the most common communication mistakes we all make:
1. Assuming that what we hear and perceive is what he meant and intended.
2. Mind reading about what he is thinking rather than asking him what he's thinking.
 
Just let him see what is in your heart when you look at him. If he is able to "see" those feelings in your eyes, he'll know without you having to say a word. While words are good to hear, actions and feelings can express what's going on inside you more deeply than words can.
And keep something in mind: Love and Fear do not live well together. Enjoy the Love, and release the fear. Fear just taints Love, and can destroy it completely. Going thru Life worrying about being rejected all the time is draining.
 
I knew I was ready to ask my guy when I didn't care if I was rejected. I didn't care if he felt the same way. I needed him to know what he meant to me. I didn't need anything in return. My heart was his to keep, or skip across the lake.
 
bankside said:
I knew I was ready to ask my guy when I didn't care if I was rejected. I didn't care if he felt the same way. I needed him to know what he meant to me. I didn't need anything in return. My heart was his to keep, or skip across the lake.
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That is truly lovely. And it is also what Love should look like: when you're not thinking about what you get back from someone, but only what you have to give to them. And that that love you have is ONLY for them, and not for someone else. You are blessed to even know this.
 
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