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When should I tell him I love him

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UC3543

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My question is more along the lines of when does he have the right to know.

Let me give you a little background.

We have been seeing each other for 8 weeks now. It started off as a real casual thing and in many ways it has stayed that way. He works full-time and goes to school, I work more than full-time about 60-70 hours per week, so we generally only see each other one day a week. We usually talk on the phone only once per week. E-mails are maybe a couple times per week. When we are together we talk a lot and it is really great, we have a great time. We've had sex 5 times - what I would call very passionate and caring sex - we take our time and really care for each other. We do not live together and have only spent the entire night goether once.

When we started seeing each other we both agreed it would be a casual thing, we never planned to be exclusive and we haven't talked about becoming exclusive (I have have been though and I suspect he has too, but I don't know that). The idea was that because we are both so busy and he was just coming off a 2 year relationship - that we would keep it light and casual.

I'm 29 years old and he's 31.

I have fallen in love with him - there is no doubt in my mind about that. So my questions are: when should I tell him, do I need to, when does he have the right to know. Obviously I don't want to scare him off especially if he isn't where I am right now. Is 8 weeks long enough to give him. If I did tell him I love him and he doesn't feel the same way - I really wouldn't have a problem still dating him - I'm having a great time with him.

Should I tell him?. I really don't know if he loves me - but if he does I would want him to tell me. On the other hand putting myself in his shoes, if he tells me he loves me and I don't feel the same it very well might change things

Any thoughts
 
Considering the meager amount of time you've actually spent together, coupled with the fact he's been open and honest about the fact he's just come out of a 2 year relationship & wants things light & breezy; I think you're right in assuming that a declaration of love this early on is NOT something he'd be receptive to. And that it probably WOULD scare him right off.

However, everybody likes to hear nice things about themselves - so admitting to him that he really has become 'quite dear' to you , and that you would rather enjoy seeing a bit more of him - isn't something that'd see him running for the hills.

Just play it cool. There are ways of saying how you feel, without ever having to actually say it. And this, would be one bright & breezy way.
 
WayBigSy said:
However, everybody likes to hear nice things about themselves - so admitting to him that he really has become 'quite dear' to you , and that you would rather enjoy seeing a bit more of him - isn't something that'd see him running for the hills.

Just play it cool. There are ways of saying how you feel, without ever having to actually say it. And this, would be one bright & breezy way.
Click to expand...

That is great advice - I'll do that. And you are correct, we haven't really spent a lot of time together yet.
 
Way nailed it. Actions not words. Take time out to do a couple things for him once in awhile. Not non-stop - don't get all obsessive on him. :) Little things like bringing over a pack of his favorite beer when you visit can go a long way.

Lex
 
There may not be much more to say directly to my situation. How about in general - when should you tell someone you love them - and don't say right after he tells you he loves you.
 
When it feels comfortable. When you don't feel like you do now - like you're jumping the gun, and might scare him away. When you just say it, because you're pretty sure he feels the same way too.

Lex
 
UC3543 said:
There may not be much more to say directly to my situation. How about in general - when should you tell someone you love them - and don't say right after he tells you he loves you.
Click to expand...

When we both know it's the right time... :kiss:
 
WayBigSy said:
Considering the meager amount of time you've actually spent together, coupled with the fact he's been open and honest about the fact he's just come out of a 2 year relationship & wants things light & breezy; I think you're right in assuming that a declaration of love this early on is NOT something he'd be receptive to. And that it probably WOULD scare him right off.

However, everybody likes to hear nice things about themselves - so admitting to him that he really has become 'quite dear' to you , and that you would rather enjoy seeing a bit more of him - isn't something that'd see him running for the hills.

Just play it cool. There are ways of saying how you feel, without ever having to actually say it. And this, would be one bright & breezy way.
Click to expand...




Perfectly said, It may be to so and you may be in LUST not Love.

And if you made agreements at the beginnig you should honor them until the next level is reached and you both talk about it and agree. You may be in love and he may not and that could put some ice on the situation and you could be hurt and and feel bad.
So take it slow and dont rush. let your relationship grow, and spen more time with ea othe MAKE SOME TIME.

It could grow or die down.
 
Usually, your instincts kick in and you spill the beans, when you are really ready, and at the point, when you feel he may be receptive to such ideas. :gogirl::gogirl::gogirl:

I have always felt that the 3 little words mostly scare people shitless. They involve a recognition of a heavy obligation and a serious duty in minds of many people. (Who really wants to be a pig to a guy, who has just confessed, he is in love with you?) More often than not, this sends guys 'running for the hills' in no time. They live to regret that, too. But by that time, you are mostly out of that equation, so what was so good about it in the first place?

We do not know, how did he go through his last break up. He is all into 'light and breezy' and there has never been a word of 'going exclusive'. You do not know that he wants to go exclusive now. This way, he has caring sex with you and is free to mess around, as he pleases. Maybe he does that, too. Maybe, he does not. What matters is that he is free to do as he pleases and has no guilt feelings about it. He is not cheating.

My advice:

Leave out the Big Speech part for the time being.

Move on swiftly towards, where you want to be. Try to spend more time with him. Tell him that you find sex with him deeply fulfilling and that you'd love to have some more, if only possible.

Find a small reason to take him on a back road trip, cool weekend somewhere and agree with him that you deserve the 2-3 days off ever so often just to enjoy yourselves before throwing yourselves into the usual daily grind.

Focus on him and not on introducing him to your family and all of your friends or directly signalling that you really want a full-blown relationship with him now. Drawbacks of that nature always come too soon anyway.

His actions will speak louder than any words. If he complies and starts taking similar actions, you are safe. And you can spill the beans. And pick it up from there.

But not before you feel that he has gotten the message on all the other channels and has not cringed away.

SC
 
This entire thread has helped me tremendously just now (along with some advice from a damned fine jub friend)......
I realize that it wasn't meant to help me in particular.... but there it is. That's one of the fine things about jub... we can all learn from each other.
Thanks guys. :D:D:D
 
SilverRRCloud said:
Usually, your instincts kick in and you spill the beans, when you are really ready, and at the point, when you feel he may be receptive to such ideas. :gogirl::gogirl::gogirl:

I have always felt that the 3 little words mostly scare people shitless. They involve a recognition of a heavy obligation and a serious duty in minds of many people. (Who really wants to be a pig to a guy, who has just confessed, he is in love with you?) More often than not, this sends guys 'running for the hills' in no time. They live to regret that, too. But by that time, you are mostly out of that equation, so what was so good about it in the first place?

We do not know, how did he go through his last break up. He is all into 'light and breezy' and there has never been a word of 'going exclusive'. You do not know that he wants to go exclusive now. This way, he has caring sex with you and is free to mess around, as he pleases. Maybe he does that, too. Maybe, he does not. What matters is that he is free to do as he pleases and has no guilt feelings about it. He is not cheating.

My advice:

Leave out the Big Speech part for the time being.

Move on swiftly towards, where you want to be. Try to spend more time with him. Tell him that you find sex with him deeply fulfilling and that you'd love to have some more, if only possible.

Find a small reason to take him on a back road trip, cool weekend somewhere and agree with him that you deserve the 2-3 days off ever so often just to enjoy yourselves before throwing yourselves into the usual daily grind.

Focus on him and not on introducing him to your family and all of your friends or directly signalling that you really want a full-blown relationship with him now. Drawbacks of that nature always come too soon anyway.

His actions will speak louder than any words. If he complies and starts taking similar actions, you are safe. And you can spill the beans. And pick it up from there.

But not before you feel that he has gotten the message on all the other channels and has not cringed away.

SC
Click to expand...


Thank you so much - some great advice.

He has a week off from school coming up and I'm trying to think of a 2 or 3 day get-a-way that would be fun. But I'm coming up with nothing. Anyone have any good ideas. I live in the midwest - but it will still be too early to enjoy the fall colors. - the only thing I can come up with is maybe going to Chicago for a couple of days
 
'I love you' is so freighted with expectation and obligation and so often an expression of neediness, that there's rarely anything to be gained by saying it and often much to be lost. The most appropriate time to say it is on your fortieth anniversary as an acknowledgement of all you've shared.

Love is a cumulative experience and best expressed retrospectively.
 
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