When Should It Happen?

[The_Reaper]

Hey guys,

Just looking for some minor advice from my fellow JUBers. For the past 8 months, I've been seeing a really great guy. We have a lot in common, easily make each other laugh, and it's going really well.

There's only one, small, minor problem. He's not out to his parents/family. He's out to his friends, and I've met them and hung out with them, but I've never met his family.

I met his dad once, for a few minutes, but nothing was mentioned as to how we knew each other.

It's not really bothering me, but I'm concerned slightly. In the past few months, he's gotten to know my mother and father; he hasn't met my brother, but that's timing conflict related.

I guess what's worrying me is that we're getting pretty serious with one another, and I feel like I'm missing out on a part of his life by not knowing his parents and siblings. He's a very empathic person, citing the stress his parents are usually under as his reason for not telling them. It's not an excuse, as some would say, he really does take stalk of other people's feelings before he does things.

We don't think his parents would have trouble with it, given that his sister is not only dating a woman but is now engaged to her. I guess what I'm wondering is a few things:

1.) How long should it take in a relationship before a semi-closeted partner tells his family?

2.) Will there be any irreparable harm in my relationship with his family from the fact that it was a secret for so long?

I don't want to force him to come out to his family, but like I said, I do feel like I'm missing out by him getting to know my family but me not getting to know his.

So, thoughts?

 

[SFMusic]

If he feels awkward about saying the words "I'm gay" to his family he should try showing them he is gay.

By that I mean, show them that he has someone special in his life and that special person is a man. Find a nice restaurant to go to lunch or dinner, and invite the parents, and siblings. He can introduce you as his "friend" or say "this is John".

His family will ask as many questions as they are comfortable asking. Answer the questions discretely but honestly, and I'd be willing to bet they will figure out you guys are boyfriends before dessert is over.

When I say discrete but honest, that means if they ask you where the two of you met, don't tell them you met in the orgy room of a bath-house. It's ok to tell them you met at the gym or a health club and you became instant friends.

As for when this should happen, there is no time like the present.

 

[G-Lexington]

Honestly, this situation doesn't have any one answer. My partner never did come out to his parents in so many words. When I first met his parents, I was his "roommate". And I remained so up through the time we bought a house together. Again, nothing was said, but it's obvious they know.

To me, this seemed a pointless sort of way to go about it, but see - this isn't my family. That's just how their family deals with things - indirectly, roundabout, never really discussing them. I could've forced the issue and said something, but what good would that have done? It would've simply dragged them all out of their comfort zone. If this is how they go about things, it's best to just let them. As it stands, we now get along great. They still never say the G-word or the B-word ("boyfriend"). But, to pick one example, when my grandmother died, they sent a sympathy card to my mother. That's their way of saying they get it, and that they care. It wouldn't be the way I'd go about it, but again, not my family.

I'd say you'll have to trust your boyfriend to know his family. It may be they already know about him but (like my partner's family) it simply isn't discussed outright. You don't have to lie for him - if his father asks "So, how do you know my son?", you're welcome to answer as you see fit. But this is something that they're going to have to figure out how best to do. And as far as harm goes, well, again, that's up to them. If they want to blame YOU for not telling them sooner, that's their call, although one would assume they'd be blaming their son for that.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

You're placing a contingency on your relationship with this guy regarding his relationship with his family. His relationship with his family is not your concern.

You can't expect everyone to have the same relationship with their family that you you have with your family. There are just some families who want to keep that illusion of "Uncle Bob's special friend that we're not supposed to talk about".

If this guy is good to you, you love each other and you're happy with relationship, then let go of this issue with his family. You're not going to change it .

 

[spencer]

You're placing a contingency on your relationship with this guy regarding his relationship with his family. His relationship with his family is not your concern.

Kara, planet did you come from? That is certainly NOT the majority view of gay men (even in this section of the forum). Even though I think it should be.

Pretty much everyone one I've dated dispised the fact that I wasn't out to my family. It was horrible. Just like I'm surprised you're not getting ripped on by people who are strongly against being closeted. When I did come out to my rents and they got to meet him, because I was in a relationship, I ended up not getting to meet his parents. What a hypocrite, lol.

It's a dealbreaker for many, so you have to ask yourself is it a dealbreaker for you.

 

[KaraBulut]

Kara, planet did you come from? That is certainly NOT the majority view of gay men (even in this section of the forum). Even though I think it should be.

I'm from earth.

And I have noticed in some of the threads that are active in the forum, there's a lot of debating going on.

CO&R is not a debate forum. The purpose here is to offer different opinions to the OP, not to argue between people offering advice.

It's a dealbreaker for many, so you have to ask yourself is it a dealbreaker for you.

Acknowledged.

But from personal experience, I don't push people to make unnecessary choices. You will be surprised how often they will choose their family over you.

I've been served breakfast in bed by a boyfriend's mother (we were both naked at the time- ) and I've also dated someone for years whose family didn't know he was gay. I'm perfectly fine with either.

I want to date the person, not their family. And that is my advice to OP.

 

[Lube]

Everyone's different. I could not put up with what Lex and KaraBulut have put up with.

My bf has never, to the best of my knowledge, uttered the words "I'm gay". He says he's out, but his definition of out and mine are quite different.

When we first started seeing each other, and I detected his inability to be open about us, I did not make an ultimatum. Those are destructive. However, I did tell him that I was completely out, and that while I would not go out and scream "we're a gay couple" from the rooftops, I was going to be completely honest with people if any questions came up. He's perfectly OK with that. It's perfectly OK with me.

So, when people ask, I'm the one who answers, and I do it rather directly. He never talks to his family about gay things, but I do. I introduced them to the concept of bears.

This works for us. Do what works for you.

 

[spencer]

I guess being out can also be ... never uttering the words "I'm gay" or leaving it up to the boyfriend to tell other people ... as long as you don't deny it.

 

[M4P]

It's not just you who's missing out in this situation - he's missing out as is his family

After eight months of dating, and it sounds like it's going well, I would imagine you two are discussing taking things to the next level as in moving in together. This could pose a major problem. As long as he isn't out to his family he's living a double life. Are you his friend or his boy friend? I think it's time he comes clean. I'm sure it will not be news to his parents and, unless their both 90 and a banana peel away from the grave, they can take the stress

You're a nice guy and deserve good things. I hope this works out for you two

 

[Eagle653]

Different couples handle this different ways. Most parents don't buy the "roommate" smoke-screen, or if they do, they at least have doubts if the person is over 22 or so.

Anyway, continue to build your relationship with him. If he's reticent about coming out to his parents, there must be a reason--especially given that you have reason to believe they'd be fine with it. You could find out what the reason was and help him deal with that, if you both want to.

Otherwise, let things unfold naturally. At some point, he might decide to give up the ghost and just tell them, or let them assume what will become obvious.

What's important is that you two build a strong relationship with each other. The rest tends to take care of itself as long as the out one (you) is patient.

Good luck.

 

[The_Reaper]

I just wanted to add, there isn't an ultimatum. I have no intention of leaving him if he doesn't come out to his family.

Like I said, I just wanted to get some perspective on the issue and see whether or not it would pose any problems further down the road.

Again, like I said, we're pretty serious and I don't see something like this as a roadblock for our relationship to continue; I'd just like to get to know his family, at least a bit.

 

[KaraBulut]

Again, like I said, we're pretty serious and I don't see something like this as a roadblock for our relationship to continue; I'd just like to get to know his family, at least a bit.

Well, questions back at ya...

Given that he has a sister who ia a lesbian and the family knows about the sister, why do you think your bf has avoided coming out to his parents?

Has he introduced you at all to his family- as "my friend", "my roommate", etc?

Is this something that you take personally- as in you're unsure whether he thinks your relationship is serious enough to tell his family about it...?