When (the lack of) sex becomes an issue

[susenciska]

E. is my boyfriend for over 13 years now. We have a monogamous, loving relationship. Although we don’t live together (because of our jobs), we spend a lot of time together. When we first met he was very passionate. We could kiss for hours. Each time we saw one another, we would have sex. The only problem for me then was that he came much too fast and I didn’t come at all. After a while, when we grew closer, we discussed it and he told me it bothered him that I didn’t haveorgasms with him. We changed our ways of having sex and since then I come almost every time.
At a certain point we started fucking and our sex life just went great.
The last few years the kissing stopped and fucks became rare to nonexistent. He doesn’t let me suck his dick without him jerking it. The only way I come, is with the help of my own right hand. I can’t even remember the last time he blew me or I had a hands-free orgasm.
Every time I tried to discuss this with him the past year, he always would find a way to make it my problem (he’s a psychotherapist…). Today I tried again. He argued that he’s been much too busy with work, that he doesn’t get enough sleep and that me being unhappy doesn’t help either. He also said that sex the past 10 months wasn’t that bad. I answered that I couldn’t remember having real good sex during that period. Result: E. is having hurt feelings and I get no sex!
I’m afraid that there’ll come a time I can’t control my sexdrive anymore and I’ll cheat on him, wich would be the end of our relationship. This summer we go to gay-paradise in Sitges. How am I tosurvive in the middle of a herd of beautiful, horny men?

 

[racer2438]

start off by having a calm talk about it again, and then say maybe he /we should get a complete physicals, lab work just to make sure and rule out any thing out.

sometimes stress and lack of sleep turns something small into a larger snowball then you can a least rule out medical issues

 

[Seasoned]

He needs to be willing to talk because he's in a relationship and that's what people in healthy relationships do. As a healthcare professional he is quite aware of the dynamics involved in a healthy relationship. Couple's therapy is an option as well. Not to plant seeds, but is it possible he's been hooking up or has another relationship?

Healthy people are entitled to a healthy sex life. I understand why you'd be looking for something else. Without threatening him let him know your needs are not currently being met.

 

[susenciska]

I'm sure he's not fooling around. He's just too honest. We had a talk this afternoon and it was the first time he didn't make it just my problem. He acknowledged the problem en said he's willing to do something about it. He's under a lot of pressure lately and we both react differently when pressure builds up. My need for sex increases when I'm stressed; his increases. But I told him my dick has a mind of its own and with lack of attention from him, it will search it elsewhere. Let's hope we find a way out of this shit.

 

[Maklaar13]

Here are my two cents. A psychotherapist partner that tells you that is your problem, that is a problem all by itself! Whether he is under stress or not that is a terrible thing to say. You need to communicate more about your needs and what you want out of your relationship. Low testosterone could be a problem and should be looked into. I had similar issues with my partner of almost 30 years. One thing that is amazing about the relationship we have created is the fact that we talk about everything, we never argue and nothing is off limits when it comes to discussions, I believe that by doing this there is never anything to argue about because we know pretty much everything about each other. Nowadays he is in testosterone replacement therapy and our sex life is better that ever. We even took it one step further, we are also seeing a sexual therapist! I'm happy to report that after only three sessions the doctor told us that we really do not need much help, so only a couple more sessions. The doctor told us that we have achieved what most of the patients are looking for by communicating so efficiently. It has been a fantastic experience for both of us. A relationship is a lot of work but it could be fun work if you are truly interested in growing together. You can fix this, best of luck to you mate!

 

[Seasoned]

Good news that he's willing to talk! My husband and I will be celebrating our 30th annuversary next week and we've encountered many issues along the way. Talking and therapy have been our lifesavers. Things still get messy at times just because of life but we've been able to work through problems but only because we communicate. Good luck to you both and have a grand holiday in Sitges. I've never been but I have a friend who's there often.

 

[susenciska]

Feels good to get this much support. Thank you guys.

I just want to get some things clarified. My partner and I love eachother very much. And he didn't tell me straight that this is just my problem. And the thing about my therapist-boyfriend insinuating that it's my problem... we had an arguement about that and he sees he's at least part of the problem. What my needs are concerned: you're right. I'm what you could call a pleaser. I have a weak wil so I'm training it already. We do argue (frequently), but till today that always brought us closer together. So I hope we can work this out and spice up our sex life. Who knows, maybe the hot men in Sitges will get the juices flowing.

 

[Seasoned]

I hope things work out for you both. Stability is a part of being in a long term relationship but it shouldn't rule out frequent, and even possibly constant, joy.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Sex is an important and essential aspect of any serious, committed relationship. Unfortunately, after many years with a partner, sex can dwindle down to where one partner feels starved for attention. Your partner, especially as a psychotherapist, should recognize this fundamental need in relationships and is trying to use his expertise to deflect attention from himself. I can tell you this is an issue that is not going to go away, and the suffering of time has a way of only making one feel embittered and resentful towards their partner. This is an issue that needs to be addressed now. Don't go another two years like this. Have a major discussion that expresses your needs as legitimate and uncompromising.

 

[susenciska]

Sex is an important and essential aspect of any serious, committed relationship. Unfortunately, after many years with a partner, sex can dwindle down to where one partner feels starved for attention. Your partner, especially as a psychotherapist, should recognize this fundamental need in relationships and is trying to use his expertise to deflect attention from himself. I can tell you this is an issue that is not going to go away, and the suffering of time has a way of only making one feel embittered and resentful towards their partner. This is an issue that needs to be addressed now. Don't go another two years like this. Have a major discussion that expresses your needs as legitimate and uncompromising.

We had a major discussion a few days ago. I'm curious what the outcome will be. He certainly knows sex is extremely important for me. My parish priest once told me I should go to the seminary to become a priest myself. I answerd: 'No way, for me a sexless life is not worth living.' I also told my boyfriend this. When we had 'the discussion' I warned him that he shouldn't be surprised that one day he'll find a cute lover in my bed with me doing the things he isn't doing.

I can't complain what his attention for my feelings is concerned. He's constantly asking how I feel. Well, now he knows. Let's see how hot it gets in here. At this moment I have to be patient though, he's sick. He has worked his ass off the past few months and with the adrenaline gone, he has become ill. So I have to nurse him a little bit. Maybe if I pay a bit more attention to certain parts of his body...

Thanks for your reaction.