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When to Part Ways?

L

LushPuppy

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Long Story Short.......

My Boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years now. We do just about everything together with our friends and my family but when it comes to his family, I don't exist.

I would of thought by now he would of told his parents (who I have met actually, but only as "friend") so we can deepen our relationship. I feel we have been stag net for awhile now because of my fear of him never telling his parents. He seems to thing is no big deal and we can move in, and live our happy lives even though his parents live 20mins away. Which to me is unacceptable to live the rest of our lives together like that. At what point do I say enough is enough? Do I let this drag on for months? years? Is this even normal to keep going this long?

I mean.. my head is telling me to move on, but my heart doesn't want to go. But I also feel this could be a huge waste if he never tells his parents?

Has anyone else gone through something like this? where your well into a great relationship but this roadblock is preventing you from enjoying, or getting deeper?
 
It would be tough for me to live as someone's 'dirty secret'---don't think I could do it.
 
He has made it clear that he's not coming out to his parents, and you will not be anything more than a "friend" (or "roommate", if you move in) in their eyes. You're going to have to decide if you're cool with that. If not, make an ultimatum, but be prepared to walk.

Lex
 
Another part of the broader problem is he keeps making excuses for not telling his parents.

1st.. they are getting their house redone and are stressed out..
2nd.. Getting ready for retirement..
3rd.. His mom is having medical problems
4th.. Sister is pregnant...

Having already gone through the coming out phase of my life, I know its hard. He thinks he will be a burden, or disowned by his parents plus he doesn't want to make their current situation (mom having medical problems) worse.

I can understand not wanting to cause more stress, but coming out isn't going to get any easier either.

He wants his parents to just "find out" on their own... though that could taken a long time.
 
You two are begging to have an honest conversation, but aren't having it. This needs to be discussed, and by a mediator/counselor, if need be.

If would be a shame to throw an otherwise good relationship away over something like this. He really needs to understand how you feel and why this is so important to you.

As somewhat an aside, does he really think his parents buy this "friend" or "room mate" bit? Unless they're morons, which I doubt, they've probably had him figured out for years and are waiting for him to feel comfortable to talk with them.

It's not easy to come out, and sometimes there are compelling reasons not to. Are you sure those don't exist in his case?

At the end of the day, you'll need to figure out what's essential and what's not in your relationship. If this is a hill you're willing to die on, then fine, stand your ground. Otherwise, I'd see what's in his mind about this and try to change it, if I could.
 
I guess I dont understand the problem. How does this affect your relationship with the man you love?

We all have a time and place to come out to our family's. If you force the issue and the timing is bad, the result could be over your head for a long time.
My advice is to let it ride as is. He will decide when, if ever, is the right time.
Forging a meaningful relationship is hard work by itself. Dont throw things into the mix that really dont have any bearing.
 
Family (both sides) has a lot to do with a meaningful relationship in my eyes. Things like Holidays, births, special events... wouldn't you want to be part of those? Wouldn't you want to share your lives with family?
 
Well, my partner never actually "came out" to his parents. But they're no fools. When he moved 2000 miles to room with "a friend", they didn't need a primer to figure out what was going on. And although I can't say I'm close to his family at all (we're still 2000 miles apart), it's clear in small ways that they accept me as their son's partner, even if they probably would never say so in so many words. I personally don't have a problem with this, but maybe you would.

Lex
 
I agree that his parents know and most likely are just waiting for him to confirm it

He has some issues that need to be dealt with. You need to convince him of this and offering to attend counseling together would probably be a good thing. If he refuses you have some decisions to make. It would be a shame but coming out to those you love is the mature and honest thing to do

Good luck to you. Please let us know how it works out
 
averageguy said:
As somewhat an aside, does he really think his parents buy this "friend" or "room mate" bit? Unless they're morons, which I doubt, they've probably had him figured out for years and are waiting for him to feel comfortable to talk with them.
Click to expand...

Amen to that! The love of my life back in the day and I went to all sorts of contortions to hide our relationship from his mom.

Years later she basically said: "Why did you two treat me like I'm stupid? It was damn obvious you two were an item!"

!oops!
 
thanks everyone for the talk. I'm gonna sit down with him this week and just lay it all out on the table.
 
why is it so hard to just sit him down and have a man to man talk. You need to tell him how you feel and he also. Then you need to meet in the middle until the next level is reached and then work on it.

But if you force him to make a decision that he is not ready for, then one of you is going to walk.. At 2yrs you are both just getting to know each other and go through each others quirks. If you want this to last, you boys need to sit down and talk this out and let it all out.. Hopefully it ends well.

One should be supportive of one another and understand it's not easy to come out to family and he needs to do it on his own terms, not yours...

you either work through this together and be happier or work on being just friends, or work on moving out and ending it bitterly....it's up to the both of you..
 
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