When you want to be in a relationship

[LemonMonk]

I think I have feelings towards three guys who I could see myself being in a relationship with. I don't know what the feeling of wanting to be in a relationship is though. Do not know if I am feeling that way, or am misinterpreting different feelings.

These thoughts are just of having the three as a boyfriend, not just the occasional shag. I quite like the idea too. I've never had these desires before recently. Up to this point, I've been more than happy for NSA and when I've thought of guys, I've just thought about things of a sexual nature.

Any idea what I'm thinking? I don't. The fact that there's more than one is making me think it isn't me wanting to be in a relationship. Although there are three I've mentioned, I do prefer one more, however the feelings to the other two aren't decreasing.

 

[Rolyo85]

Nobody can tell you how you feel. You're the only one who can figure it out.

All I can say is that even polyamorous guys don't develop feelings for three people simultaneously. What your situation is, is that you want to be in a relationship with someone. You have feelings for the idea of being in a relationship, not the guys. They are just prospects that you can see yourself being attracted to. What you should do is examine your actual feelings and figure out if you actually feel anything for ANY of them.

 

[LemonMonk]

Cheers, that's been helpful. I do like the idea of being committed to one person, someone whose more than a bit of fun.

I'll have to think about this more before acting.

 

[Durango95]

I think the idea of being in a relationship becomes more relevant with age. I don't know how old you are, but I started having the same type feelings when I was cruising toward 40. I was foot loose and fancy free when I was young. Most of my youth was pre-AIDS, so it was sex sex sex. I didn't have to start worrying about safe sex until I was in my mid twenties. By then I'd already had a lot of sex with I don't really even know how many guys. Relationships never really happened for me though, not really. I had a couple that were pretty good.

 

[Seasoned]

It might be that you are sorting out what you're looking for in a guy and all three you've mentioned have qualities you find attractive and/or necessary. I think you're going about it correctly. Meeting guys first and letting your feelings take you towards a relationship rather than wanting a relationship and attempting to make the guy at hand fit the picture.

However, the fact that there are three could mean your desire for a relationship could be causing you to have guys in the wings waiting to take the place of your first choice. The real life goal is to be happy and fulfilled in or out of a relationship.

Take care and good luck.

 

[Brian Smith]

Okay, in my experience, I don't really ever have the chance of "wanting to be in a relationship." I just sort of get entangled in them. However, I do get all the classic symptoms.

You feel anxious about a person. You feel like you are never quite at rest until you have spent a while talking to him.

You have a need to check on him, and then you have a need to check on him again. You end up in silly situations like hanging up with the guy and then feeling like you somehow "didn't tell him good-night properly." When you hang up with him, you might feel "depressed but in a strangely pleasurable way," or maybe, in some cases, "like a wild beast is ripping me to pieces, but I'm kind of liking it and hope it will go on doing it for a while."

And you might have one night that you feel really really overwhelmed, and you call up the guy in the wee hours of the morning feeling close to tears, and you "just want to talk."

On the other hand, it could also be a situation in which he is the neurotic one. If you are reacting badly to it and he's not right to you, you will think he's being a needy bitch, and you will scream at him, "Why are you calling me at this hour of the night? Quit being a needy fuck."

However, if you are reacting well to him being that way and he's really a sweet guy, you will feel compassionate toward him, and you will take on a somewhat "protector" sort of role, thinking he's a "little, lost boy" who could never survive by himself in the cold, cruel world.

You might find yourself engaging in an unusual amount of grooming, trying on one set of clothes and then another. You might end up in a situation of combing your hair until you realize that you're at risk of running yourself prematurely bald.

You will find yourself thinking and acting this way even though you know that it's not strictly rational. It's okay. It's healthy. It's part of the foundation of a good, strong relationship. If he's really a responsible, decent, educated guy, don't fight it. Just let that awesome high carry you away with it.

On the other hand, if he is a jerk or a loser, it won't be long before you start seeing red flags and realize that he is really pissing you off and trying your patience. If you get that feeling, trust your instincts, and tell him to find some other fool.

It all manifests itself in numerous ways and is different for everybody, but that's the general gist of how it is, I think.

 

[dereperez]

I think you are into the idea of being in a relationship more than anything else. That feeling is perfectly natural, as we often don't want to be alone. We want someone close to share our happiness with. In the end, only you can decide which one of those guys (or another guy) is most compatible with you. Continue to develop your friendship/relationship with them. Go with the flow. If it's meant to happen, it will happen.

 

[gangineer]

I'm in a fairly similar situation. Maybe you'll find this helpful?
I've been hooking up with one guy for a few months and find him very attractive, interesting, and smart. I can be ok with hook ups and understand that they can be NSA, but I haven't been able to help up develop feelings for him. Although I am pretty sure that he doesn't feel the same way. Then I was at his brithday party and was talking to his roommate at the end of the night and we ended up sleeping together (totally unpredicted.) We went on a date (I don't think it was intended to be a date at the beginning, but he called it that at the end, which i was happy about) then next weekend to talk and get to know each other a bit better and I also find him extremely attractive, both physically and personality wise, but he seems to be a quiet guy for the most part (as am I), so I can't quite get a feel for how he feels.
I find myself thinking about both of them a lot, wanting to check in with them (but on the other hand, holding back because I don't want to seem too anxious/needy/clingy or creepy because I don't find that attractive either, though if you don't express interest, how are they supposed to know?) But I have these feelings for both of them (uh oh…) but since they developed so quickly, I don't know how to interpret them. Am I just looking for A relationship or would I actually want to be with one of them? These may be questions with no answers or that can only be answered with time.

 

[LemonMonk]

Wow, all of those answers have been far better than I had expected. I'm so pleased to have gotten these replies. I've been told by my closest friend [whose very honest and dependable] that two guys want to be with me [be it NSA or something else] yesterday, later on, whilst drunk they started feeling me up [we'll all been drinking].. it was interesting to say the least. It hasn't helped, since one of the two is brilliant in every way, logically he'd be the one to go for. But he's not in the original three I've mentioned.

Anyway, to reiterate, I have a lot of thinking to do on this. I'm thinking about this logically right now, but I'm not sure it's the right way of going about it.

Glad to hear from some of you guys that it's normal! I was worried that my infatuation for more than one person was very strange indeed.

 

[Rolyo85]

May I suggest that you might be more ready for some bed cardio rather than a relationship at this point?

While logic dies play some role in picking a bf, it's not big. You KNOW when you want to be with someone, it's not something you gotta figure out logically. It's not a purchase at the supermarket.