where can I find someone?

[G-Lexington]

I don't think it's necessary for one to hook up with somebody with whom you share a passion with. You don't both have to love classical music or ancient studies to click. The key, I think, is to keep an open mind. You don't have to be interested in what HE's interested, per se, but you should at least be interested in his interest, if that makes any sense.

So say I'm talking to you, and I find out that you're interested in classical literature. This isn't something that I've ever been interested, nor do I immediately go "Wow - that sounds REALLY interesting!" But I can be interested in YOUR interest. I can ask some questions based on it.

"What civilization are you most interested in?"
"Who's your favorite author?"
"Where do you get most of your material?"
"What was the worst ancient piece you ever read?"
"Are you reading anything now?"

This isn't feigning interest in your hobby. It's just getting a conversation going. Your answers will not only give me a bit more information about your hobby, but I'll probably get a bit more of a clue where to take the conversation next, and I'll probably get a few insights into you as a person as well.

In short, don't dismiss someone just because their interests don't jibe with yours. They don't have to be a classical music fan - they just have to be cool with YOU being a classical music fan.

So where do you meet people? Any "book groups" in your area? Any gay get-togethers? Feel like trying volleyball?

Lex

 

[SilverRRCloud]

#1
This is easy.

#2
There is nothing wrong with you and equally so, there is nothing wrong with your environment either.

---
Smart dudes simple recreate and re-invent themselves as a matter of daily routine. This is easy. I was editing a friend's Ph. D. thesis which wrestled with some of the most nightmarish issues of Heidegger's ontology in his later work, at the time, only to meet my present BF, who was doing his MA in Psychology and Sociology but was really into soaps. (I was running a serious business in the meantime, too.) We connected immediately. I liked the guy and I promised him that he would not have to touch anyone like Heidegger or Wittgenstein even with a stick, if I do not have to watch and admire his soaps, but that the two of us can can go together for a week to Madrid and move into all the key museums one day at a time. We did that and both of us had a ball.

I cook with gusto. He would only eat one small dry sandwich a day, a ton of fresh fruit and drink 20 mugs of tea at any time of the day or night. (6'1" and W 30).

He is still as slender as always but we now cook in four hands, and he'll betray his country for a good lobster Thermidor.

Yeah, he still loves his soaps. And I moved more into the direction of the Philosophy of Mathematics . So, we always do our own stuff. And we do an amazing number of things together. We hike together and we travel for our lives. We shop together and play games of non-verbal communication before other people.

We do loads of fine dining, too. We decorate our new home together. We work together on our common investments.

You are catching the drift, rite?

---

You and your environment always connect following the idea of a reciprocally beneficial exchange. Simple. You help someone in Girona with his English or Italian or German or math or something and he'll show you some of his stuff, till you reach a point of some convergence. Then, you move on and ask someone to help you with some of your stuff, if they can on the level of operation that they can, and you do something in exchange for their kindness.

There is absolutely no reason to blame anyone for anything here. You only want to learn how to communicate your powerknowledge and the energy and enthusiasm these hold to your environment and receive beneficial social feedback in exchange for it.

How about finding a jogging/swimming/squash partner to get you going? If he is reasonably reliable and enthusiastic, your goal is achieved. Make friends and make sure that he understands that no one has to love Ovid to be your friend, and that you, too, would like to joke and laugh without endlessly quoting from Ethica Nichomachea, right?

SC

 

[VICTORIADON]

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Lao-Tzu

 

[rareboy]

Well meagain, if you are Mensa level IQ, then you'll have no problem adapting to people who have interests other than yours. True high level intellectuals have an insatiable thirst for learning new things. There are the functional autistic savants that find it impossible to connect with others and the only answer for this is psychology.

As others have noted, there is no need to specialize in your relationships just yet. Some of the most erudite and accomplished people I know prefer the company of the naive and sometimes those who are considered to be at the bottom of the human food chain; not to feel superior, but just to get some relief from the relentless demands of specialization that their work may demand of them.

If you read Erich Fromm's 'Ideals and Idols', though, you'll see the error of your intellactual elitism and may have a chance to become a happy pig. It is out of print, but worth getting your hands on.

 

[G-Lexington]

I>>> also want to relax and laugh and talk. But I can't stand those silly discussions about nonsense TV programs and stupid jokes about drunks.

Maybe those people need somebody there to bring up other topics of conversation?

The last time I was a fish-out-of-water was at a birthday party for a friend. Most of the people there sold car parts and/or drove forklifts for a living. And although we DID talk about TV, drinking, and the Colorado Rockies (baseball), we also discussed things with a bit more weight. Because I nudged the conversation in that direction. I didn't talk say something like, "OK, enough about American Idol - let's discuss something else". I said things like, "What do you think the network is going for on a program like that? What sorts of winners do they hope to get?" And from there, we discussed marketing and influencing public opinion and so on. No, we didn't get horribly deep, and no, I don't think any grand insights came out of it all (for me, anyway), but it was a fun conversation, and I wouldn't mind talking with them again about other things.

Lex

 

[VICTORIADON]

I don't consider myself a true high level intellectual... maybe just a bit smarter than average.

A catalan refrain says "Better be alone than in bad company"

Ahh, plagirism.

Catalan IPA: [ˈkʰæ.təˌlæn] (català IPA: [kə.tə'la] or [ka.ta'la]) is a Romance language, the national language of Andorra, and a co-official language in the Spanish autonomous communities of Balearic Islands, Catalonia and Valencia, and in the city of L'Alguer in the Italian island of Sardinia. It is also spoken, although with no official recognition, in the autonomous communities of Aragon (in La Franja) and Murcia (in El Carxe) in Spain, and in Northern Catalonia, a historical region of Catalonia in southern France, which is more or less equivalent to the département of the Pyrénées-Orientales.


"Better to be alone than in bad company" General George Washington.


Please, don't insult all of us..

A Canadian can spot an American Generals quote.

 

[orem244]

Perhaps I'm misinterpreting your posts, but I have to say that all this intellectual elitism really comes off as being very arrogant. And I'm not saying this out of some feeling of jealousy or inferiority (I don't care to get into specifics, but my IQ is just fine...), but more out of the fact that it seems that you could a bit of a reality check. Case in point:

I don't feel really comfortable among "average" or "normal" people, don't know what to say, I'm afraid of the way they see me, they don't care at all about what I do. I hope that being among "higher" people I could feel better.

Do you hear the way that sounds? This may come as a bit of a shock, but there are many "average" people who share the same obscure interests that you do, just as there are many "higher" people who enjoy going out and getting drunk and watching TV shows. But what all people have in common, regardless of their relative position on the intellectual hierarchy, is that they don't like people who seem to carry delusions of superiority around as a chip on their shoulder. I think you'll find if you give these lesser folks a chance, they just might end up being a little more substantive than you assume.

 

[Oden_grey]

I don't really know how to explain... don't really know what I really feel, I'm sorry.

I've always been shy and introverted, I've never been good at social life and relationships. I never found anyone very interested in me; even I can't say if I have any real friend; I think I don't.
I used to think that was other's fault, not mine. "People is stupid", "Nobody is worth"... But finally (thank God!) I realized that was ME. I'm the biggest problem.
I don't know how to connect with others. I don't have anything in common with most people. I can't talk about TV, movies, travels, music, sports... 'cause I'm not interested and I don't know the stuff. Most of my life goes between ancient literature and classical music. Nobody is interested in the only things I could share with them. Most people can't hold my conversation longer than a few minutes, or they just speak without expecting an answer (I'm a good listener). This sounds selfish and conceited, but I'm tired of "the typical average people who can't go further"... and I feel guilty for thinking this! I'm not proud of who I am, I'm not proud of being an erudite, and I would change it if I could, for sure! I would exchange my IQ for a better social life.
As for closer relationships (having a boyfriend) I feel quite hopeless right now
I've heard a million times that wise advice about finding someone with your own interests and develop friendships from here. But I don't know if it's really possible. I've entered the Mensa spanish chat several times but never found anyone really willing... What else?

Believe me: enjoy life and be happy with your friends and boyfriends... never let them go... they are your treasure.


(Sorry for the bad mood... and also excuse me for always complaining. I hope it's at least intelligible )

I don't understand your frustration. The arts are saturated with gay people. I mean the liberal arts departments of just about every reputable university in every democratic western country is busting at the seams with foppish good-looking gay guys who are on top of their ancient greek lit or mastering symphony compositions.

If you want to see a gay dead zone... go to any engineering department or engineering company in any progressive democratic western country and you'll see the exact opposite. I guess science and math are just the gay man's garlic.

Personally, I like to mix it up. I'm somewhat of a scientist by training, an engineer in practice and a musician at heart (though not a terribly good one). Just to prove my point, even my cello instructor was gay and pretty good looking. I love classical music... particularly baroque concertos and operas. The only person I really talked to about baroque music at length was with my best friend's wife (she's a musician). I am an aviation enthusiast and a pilot myself so I love talking about everything aviation... too bad there are not as many people interested in planes as cars. I don't care for sports... (maybe F1 if I'm in the mood though). For the most part I don't really do things that encourage lengthy conversations.

Oh, and did I tell you that I tend to be an introvert and shy? It's true. However, I can be pretty chatty and sociable. What's my secret? I have spent years hiding in my shell... only to have an awakening. This "awakening" will not happen overnight by any means... it took a lot of hard work and a lot of courage. I realized that if this is truly the only life I have... I imagined myself on my death bed looking back at my life in regret. "If only I had done this or that", I would think... and that is finally the point... living life without regret... doing what you've always wanted to do... now. You may not find that everything that you will do is as great as you thought, but you'll meet a lot of different people in the process... and guess what... they'll be doing things that also capture your interests. Widen your horizons try new foods... visit different places and cities when you have the chance. I think a lot of what keeps us introverts introverted is the fact that we always try to make excuses not to try something new... routine and predictability tend to be our safety blankets. I think when you develop yourself as a complete person, then you will be ready to have a relationship. A lot of people go around thinking that if they had a boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or husband they would be "completed". The fact is that relationships are usually messy and unpredictable so if you are not an independent and complete person to start with, being in any sort of relationship is like having a car with 5 functional wheels... both parties in the relationship act relatively unit-like, but you've got some superfluous crap hitching a ride. Worst yet though, ending a bad relationship without being an independent and complete person would be like cutting off a limb... I'm not saying that break-ups don't hurt, but I think that people who have a lot of trust in themselves and their abilities recover faster and tend to be less clingy. I know all of this because I've seen pretty much the best and worst of relationships through the lives of my friends.
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[Kulindahr]

Perhaps I'm misinterpreting your posts, but I have to say that all this intellectual elitism really comes off as being very arrogant. And I'm not saying this out of some feeling of jealousy or inferiority (I don't care to get into specifics, but my IQ is just fine...), but more out of the fact that it seems that you could a bit of a reality check. Case in point:

Do you hear the way that sounds? This may come as a bit of a shock, but there are many "average" people who share the same obscure interests that you do, just as there are many "higher" people who enjoy going out and getting drunk and watching TV shows. But what all people have in common, regardless of their relative position on the intellectual hierarchy, is that they don't like people who seem to carry delusions of superiority around as a chip on their shoulder. I think you'll find if you give these lesser folks a chance, they just might end up being a little more substantive than you assume.

I'm not seeing the "intellectual elitism" you're talking about.
The way what you quoted sounded to me like a guy who's frustrated 'cause he feels like he had a circuit missing, one most people do have, and he can't figure out what it is they do that he doesn't know how, even when he stands and observes it, a guy who sees things coming natural to everyone but he can't even get it when he applies himself hard with all the skills he has.

Believe it or not, I had to teach myself to enjoy many things "regular" people seem to without any effort. Examples: having a barbecue, drinking a beer, going out for a burger, dancing....

So I hear this guy: that's not an attitude of superiority, it's a cry of bewilderment. It's so far from being a matter of superiority, it could really be better seen as a complaint of inferiority.

 

[maxpowr9]

I have this problem as well. Actually today, I kept correcting my boss that it is pronounced (the word is fillet) "fill-é" not "fill-it". He wasn't gonna listen and I just carried on. I wasn't trying to talk to down to him at all, but simply correct his pronounciation of a word and he flipped out at me. I try to help him out and he doesn't want it. Oh well. He can sound stupid, not me.

 

[Eagle653]

I don't think that your education and expertise in ancient literature and music is your problem. In my own relationship, my partner and I have vastly different degrees and careers. In fact, our trainings are so different that we are both essentially clueless about the other's jobs and what it takes to excel in them. That's alright, though, because, over the years, we've both learned a ton about the other's world and it's been a fun adventure shared by both of us.

That's what you need--someone who's willing to listen to you and take an interest in your interests, as well as someone who motivates you enough to break out of your world and learn something new about someone else.

I think you actually nailed it by recognizing that you're shy and introverted. This might even be coupled, a bit, by some lowered self-esteem.

You don't need to put up with this (probably annoying) trait in yourself. One can overcome shyness. I'm not talking about striving to be the Grand Marshall in the next Pride Parade, but I am talking about learning some social skills such that you give yourself and others a fighting chance to find the real, genuine person underneath the scholarship.

I have absolutely no doubt that you're a very interesting person at heart and have some interesting facts about your studies as well as philosophies about music, literature, and the present day. Getting you to share that, at least initially, might be a challenge, though and, thus, the rub.

There are counselors out there who guide people through this and teach them simple skills like how to share parts of yourself appropriately, and how to take an interest in others (appropriate to the situation). Once you do it a few times, it becomes pretty easy and natural. You say that you don't have an interest in what most people have an interest in and they bore you quickly and you sense you bore them too. I wouldn't jump to that conclusion very quickly. I suspect it's more complicated than that and not that universal. Someone needs to fish those thoughts out with you to figure out what's really behind those comments.

For example, a couple who are best friends of ours are REALLY in "reality TV" and know everything there is to know about something called "Lost" and "Survivor" and Desperate Housewives and American Idol and all that. They have it down to a science and spend hours on chat rooms discussing each episode. Yes, I have to admit I'm bored by their going on (and on) about something I know nothing about and couldn't care less. But, there ARE things that we share in common and they're terrific good people, whose company I very much enjoy (except when they stray into all their TV shows). It's not the end of the world, let alone the friendship. It's just who they are and they come as a package. Besides, the last thing I want to do on Friday night is spend it arguing philosophy and theory like I'm running a doctoral seminar. I want my time with friends to be a diversion and relaxing, not a continuation of my day at work!

 

[rareboy]

Re:

intellactual (sic) elitism

from my earlier post.

Does JUB have spellcheck btw?

I have known a number of people through my life who professed having difficulty talking to 'average' or 'normal' intelligence level people. I asked them the same question as I ask you again. Have you ever thought about just listening?

Like Averageguy, on many occasions, I have been in the company of people who had what you might consider quotidian interests and experiences....or with interests and knowledge of mass culture that I think borders on the arcane. I have invariably enjoyed these parties as much or more than than sitting with academic elitists who literally have only their own field of interest that they wish to talk about and who show that little moue of arrogant distaste when any other subject comes up.

One thing that I find unites everyone is family, or recounting experiences about where or how they grew up. there are infinite ways to make a connection with anyone if you are truly interested in them as people and not just as a backboard to bounce your own ego against.

 

[Kulindahr]

One can overcome shyness. I'm not talking about striving to be the Grand Marshall in the next Pride Parade, but I am talking about learning some social skills such that you give yourself and others a fighting chance to find the real, genuine person underneath the scholarship.

There are counselors out there who guide people through this and teach them simple skills like how to share parts of yourself appropriately, and how to take an interest in others (appropriate to the situation).

Something that helped me a lot in this was learning a thing called "active listening". I learned it for a counseling course, but I've used it far more in ordinary, everyday interaction than anywhere else, to the point where it generally comes naturally, and if not, it isn't hard to mentally kick myself in the butt and start applying the skill.

Here are a couple of sources to get an idea of what it is. It shouldn't be too hard to find a web source for learning it. I'll warn you, it will make you feel really stupid at first, but after a while it's more of, "Duh! Why wasn't I doing this before?"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Active_listening
http://www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/treatment/activel.htm