Where is my life going?

[Paul_UK]

I was tempted to call this thread “mid-life crisis”, but it's not that bad! However I am trying to figure out where my life is and where (if anywhere) it is going.

I'm 42 and have been with my partner for 15 years. We met (through a magazine contact advert) when I was 27 and he was 22. He was my first partner, as I only came out the year before. He was also my first gay sex partner (excluding stuff when I was at school with other boys).

I feel we are drifting apart, especially over the last two or three years. For some time we have slept in separate rooms, mainly because we work different hours (so need to go to bed and get up at different times) and also both sleep better separately (apparently I snore loudly!). We were on holiday a couple of weeks ago in a rented chalet, and still slept in separate rooms. We have sex about once a week and it doesn't excite me any more – it is just going through the motions.

He works evenings whereas I work during the day and get up quite early, so we only see each other for about an hour or so each evening. It is not really time together, as he is normally chatting to friends on MSN and I am usually doing stuff in web forums.

Every Friday evening he plays snooker with some guys from his work. I am not welcome as it is his time with his friends. Most Saturdays he is off shopping for a few hours, and again there are usually reasons why I can't tag along (seeing friends being the usual).

I know he has his eye on one of his work colleagues (a rather cute guy in his late teens) though this guy is apparently straight. He is one of the guys he plays snooker with. If he does get off with this guy or someone else then I won't have a problem with it – indeed it would help make things easier.

It's not just him though. I have been working away from home for the last few weeks, and only home at the weekends. I have been working with our trainee, who is 21 and a great guy. Yes, I do fancy him but I know he is straight. He is a very good friend too. So I am not seriously after him, though I think about him a lot.

However it has got me thinking. I can talk to our trainee about a lot more stuff than I can to my partner. We have quite a lot in common but also have areas of quite different interests. He is self-confident and is an individual – he does what he likes regardless of whether it's trendy or whether his mates would approve etc. He is good looking but just naturally and is not the sort of person who knows it and spends ages in the bathroom preening himself. If he was gay (which he isn't) and was into older guys, I think he would be an ideal partner. So maybe I need to find a gay guy like that.

I have mentioned that things are a bit iffy between me and my partner, but not told him much more. He wants to help and has offered to listen and talk. But because it is him that has caused me to really start thinking about the whole situation I don't really want to make the situation more awkward. Of course he may realise what I feel about him already (he is fairly shrewd and very observant) but I don't know whether a confirmation would be a good idea.

I am also finding that I am less interested in things that used to interest me, such as my vintage radio collecting hobby, web forums etc. I could count the number of good friends I have on the fingers of one hand, and many of them are not that local.

The gay scene where I life is pathetic and anyway I hate smoky pubs and clubs etc. So my options for going out and meeting people are limited (though not non-existent). I was useless at the dating game when I was in my 20s so don't really fancy going there again now. But I won't meet people by staying at home.

So that's where I am now....

 

[SilverRRCloud]

This is not going to be easy.

No matter how much love and affection are involved, things are bound to get somewhat stale, sooner or later. Gay relationships are no exception whatsoever.

I perfectly understand your partner and his desire to have some space for himself. We all need that. Yet, I would not agree to live with the idea that I cannot tag along with my partner, if I choose to do so. (Save for the obvious, like business matters.)

Interests of both your partner and yourself have shifted away from each other to apparently two str8 dudes in their 20s. There is really nothing wrong with that, save for the fact that the two of you need to sit together and have a serious talk.

You have spent most of your adult life together. You do have bonds that have taken years to establish and you are now facing a new challenge. See, how are you going to meet those challenges ahead of you.

There is no reason for either of you to live an unhappy and unfulfilled life. Consider looking into the future without fear and prejudice.

Possibly an open relationship might be a good solution for both of you.

There might be other options you want to discuss.

Get talking. And do it very soon.

SC

 

[pausanias_usa]

To add to the excellent advice above, when things start to seem "stale" it is possible you have some mild depression.

How about couple's counseling if you can find the appropriate counselor? Maybe even some private sessions for "just you."

Also, make some more quality time together. When you take drifting apart as a matter of course, it happens. Seems your partner is willing to cooperate in talking with you -- that's a good sign that he is still willing to work on things.

 

[TriBi]

Paul,

I see you also posted at EC. You'll find my comments there. Hope it all works out for you mate.

 

[joeG23]

You both need to sit down and talk things through, it may be painful, but in the end it will be worth it. You need to work out if you want to save the relationship, and on what terms. He needs to know that you have certain 'needs' too. Best of luck.

 

[BoSoxFanVa]

Talk, talk, talk. The suggestion about a couple's therapist or even seeing one on your own is a good idea.

I was with my partner for eight years. We had everything in common and an enourmous love for one another. But our life got stale too. I think this happens to all couples.

I also agree that you might be suffering from a mild form of depression. That happened to me and I looked at everything from a negative window.

The best thing to do is to be honest and talk. Do not leave anything unsaid, even the unfullfilling weekly sex. I think you'll feel better after the talk.

Good Luck. I'm routing for you.

 

[confusedboy23]

I'm not the best person to offer advice to someone who has been in such a long relatinship but I'd think that it's time for the both of you to talk, talk and talk. It has always been a principle of mine to be honest in a relationship and I would think that's the only way anything can be solved. Good luck.

 

[Orlandude]

It sounds like your relationship is in a rut. Not that unusual, especially after 15 years. What I am reading here is that your lives are revolved around work and people from work, your work schedules, etc... I agree with others here that you do need to talk. The sooner the better. You also need to ask yourself if you are still in love. There is a difference between loving someone and "being in love". The few guys I know that have been in relationships that long tell me that it has evolved into more of a companionship thing than anything else. I think that happens in a lot of relationships...straight or gay. Bottom line is that your relationship is what you make it. It does take a constant effort. If the desire is not there anymore and the rut has gone very deep, maybe it is time to do some soul-searching. For both of you. Even if you wanted to go to the bars, the bars are not the answer. They are just a temporary escape from reality.

 

[Paul_UK]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

It sounds like your relationship is in a rut. Not that unusual, especially after 15 years. What I am reading here is that your lives are revolved around work and people from work, your work schedules, etc...

Indeed work does seem to dominate both our lives, and many of the people we both know are from work.

Since I work for a very small company (three of us) and work quite long hours, sometimes away from home, that doesn't result in a vast circle of friends....

I agree with others here that you do need to talk. The sooner the better.

I agree. However my partner has never been one for talking about feelings etc. It would be very difficult to get a worthwhile conversation about this started - not because he would be trying to avoid anything but just because that is how he is.

Because I am working away so much it seems unfair having this sort of discussion one day than going away for a week the folowing morning. It would probably have to be revisited over a few short conversations rather than in one go. Perhaps when I am based back at home (which will be from early November hopefully) would be a better time.

You also need to ask yourself if you are still in love. There is a difference between loving someone and "being in love". The few guys I know that have been in relationships that long tell me that it has evolved into more of a companionship thing than anything else.

I think that sums us up very well now, really. Highlighting the difference as you did is useful. I love him like I love my mum and sister etc, but I do not feel I am "in love" with him in a romantic/sexual way now.

I think that happens in a lot of relationships...straight or gay. Bottom line is that your relationship is what you make it. It does take a constant effort. If the desire is not there anymore and the rut has gone very deep, maybe it is time to do some soul-searching. For both of you.

This is what I am starting to do.

Even if you wanted to go to the bars, the bars are not the answer. They are just a temporary escape from reality.

I am not thinking of bars as places to get drunk and forget things. I am well aware that that solves nothing.

I am thinking of options for meeting other like-minded guys locally.

I perfectly understand your partner and his desire to have some space for himself. We all need that. Yet, I would not agree to live with the idea that I cannot tag along with my partner, if I choose to do so. (Save for the obvious, like business matters.)

We have always done our own thing a lot of the time, and not relied on each other for a social life. But we used to do more things together than we do now.

Now it seems that I am not welcome almost wherever he is going and he is not interested in coming with me when I'm going somewhere. Even if it is just some shopping at a garden centre or whatever.

Interests of both your partner and yourself have shifted away from each other to apparently two str8 dudes in their 20s. There is really nothing wrong with that.....

Except that they are straight!

Possibly an open relationship might be a good solution for both of you.

We have always agreed that if either of us get off with someone else then that's fine as long as we are honest with each other about it and as long as we play safe. We have both done so a couple of times (a few years ago) and it did no harm.

Now when we have sex we often end up discussing and thinking about the guys we fancy as we both find that more arousing. That can't be right, but that's how it is.

To add to the excellent advice above, when things start to seem "stale" it is possible you have some mild depression.

I guess that could account for the reduced interest in other things I used to enjoy too?

How about couple's counseling if you can find the appropriate counselor? Maybe even some private sessions for "just you."

I dunno what the options are here. I may get a doctor's appointment with one of the female GPs when I am back at home for long enough to do something.

The work trainee (my crush) is willing to talk and help however he can. We have quite a lot of time together chatting in the hotel bar while we are working away. He would be a good person to talk through things with I think, but as he is involved (even though he may not know it) that may not be such a good idea.

 

[Scrub]

The advice the other guys have given is good. The one thing that sticks out most though is, are you still in love with this man and do you want to work on this relationship. You need to figure this out first. If you do, then you need a plan to work through the issues. What do you want to change and how can it happen? I suggest think back to the things the two of you did when you first met and fell in love. Do some of those things again. Plan dates. Find time in your schedule to do this. It may mean a compromise from both of you to find the time. You also may find out that he wants changes as well. Then proceed to a discussion with him.

It takes courage to bring these things up and it is not easy, but then relationships aren’t either. I wish you luck and that you find what you are seeking.

 

[Paul_UK]

The advice the other guys have given is good. The one thing that sticks out most though is, are you still in love with this man and do you want to work on this relationship. You need to figure this out first.

That is what I am thinking about now. I think the answer may be "probably not".

Then proceed to a discussion with him.

It takes courage to bring these things up and it is not easy, but then relationships aren’t either.

Exactly - especially since he tends to avoid this sort of serious discussion (not because he is avoiding the issues - he has always been like that) and because i am not around that much currently.

6th November will be our 15th anniversary, and I should be back home all the time then. It will probably be forgotten by him as anniversaries don't meen much to either of us really. But it could be a good point to ask where he thinks we will be in another 15 years from now. Or perhaps in another 5 years... A good opportunity to start a discussion if not before (on Sunday 5th).

One of the things that attracts me to the lad from work (who I have known for around a year and only started to know well in the last couple of months) is that he likes to talk about all sorts of things, trivial and serious. I already feel I know him better than my partner in some areas.

 

[Eagle653]

Hi Paul, I have to agree with Orlandude--your relationship sounds like it's in a bit of a rut. Moreover, you sound like you may be slipping into a slight depression perhaps (based on you saying things--like hobbies--that used to interest you are less interesting right now). It might also just mean that you're busy and stressed and tired from your job being so demanding right now.

There are ways to breath some spark back into your relationship--to add excitement, interest, and that renewed sense of re-falling in love again. Each couple is different as to how that happens. Couple counseling might be one way. Reading the literature on gay-relationship stagnation is another.

Good luck. I hope things turn around and come out OK.

 

[slobone]

A lot of people find they don't want the same things at 42 as they did at 27. It sounds like you and your partner are both bored with each other. You don't even relate that well as friends since he prefers to socialize without you. That's not a good sign, when weighed in with everything else you've said.

After 15 years, you owe him a frank discussion at least. Share your feelings about your relationship and where it's going. He probably has things he wants to get off his chest as well. I think it would be a relief for both of you to finally be honest.

If you do decide to break up, try to do it in a friendly way. A person you've known so well for so long can be a great lifelong friend.

Whatever you do, don't just passively allow things to drift along as they have been. That would spell continuing misery for both of you.

Good luck!

 

[Paul_UK]

Just a quick follow-up, in case anyone is interested. Nothing much has happened so far. I have been working away for nearly two weeks and got back yesterday. I am away again from Friday for at least 15 days, quite possibly longer. So really the necessary discussion will have to wait until I am back at home for more than a few days.

For this trip our trainee is not coming. I am disappointed about that obviously, but I am wondering if it is for the best really as spending the amount of time with him is probably not helping.

I told him about some of this while we were away last time, though didn't really mention the fancying him stuff directly. I said that someone just like him but that happened to be gay and into older guys seemed like an ideal partner, and he didn't respond to that specifically. He listened to me and seemed to understand, but didn't offer many thoughts/comments (I didn't really expect him to).

Our conversations didn't come back to that again, but we were mainly grumbling about the job which had become very frustrating, and we were generally both too knackered to do much more than have dinner and a couple of pints before heading to bed.