Where to go from here....

[bzeus69]

Ok, I know this is gonna sound really dramatic, and in a normal mental state I would probably laugh at myself, but I feel cornered, and I'm tired of running from my problems or just "accepting it".

To make it short and sweet...

I've lost my family. Its been shattering over the past 4 years. And I haven't even come out to them yet. They absolutely "hate" gay people. My parents are extremist right wing conservatives. (not joking) They're gun totin proud NRA members and pray to jesus christ and George W. everytime they go to sleep.

My sis would be ok eventually, and my brother would probably try to either beat the shit out of me, or just snap my neck. (He has anger issues towards gay people, as I've witnessed him do downtown when hes buzzed/drunk before)

I love my family to death, but its at the point where I absolutely cannot be a part of it anymore, and sadly... family is or ... was the nearest and dearest thing to my heart. To summarize, but not diminish the seriousness when I say this; but parents don't even notice me anymore. I can even be speaking directly to them, but they'll be too caught up in watching fox news to notice. Nothing hurts more than being super close to your mom, and then having that bond crumble because shes too busy running a non profit organization (to help the troops), and being in the spotlight. I've worked for the project since aug, 2004..... and ever since I've designed and maintained 5 different version of the site on my own, all the desktop publishing, etc... needless to say its been alot of work. And now she has merely become a detached boss.

moving on....

I've lost my best friend of 10 years.

My other best friend has so many things going on in her life that I can't keep pouring my problems onto her.

But yeah, basically I'm losing everyone I love the most. My brother is being sent to afghanistan for 13months this friday, after serving 1.5 years in iraq.... He doesn't even want to spend time with me, but instead go out drinking with his asshole friends who simply use him to go bar hopping. And I should mention hes the prodigal child that my parents abso'fuckinlutely love. My entire family went golfing this morning, and didn't bother inviting me. And my sis gave me shit last night for not going downtown to get hammered and watch my bro cuss out people in boystown, as they bragged about this morning, saying the people in boystown(chicago) are "freaks".

I dunno,.... I honestly have no clue what I'm expecting to hear. Hopefully I'm not the only person out there thats been in a similar situation, maybe theres some advice....

I think I just need to completely cut myself out from my family. The love that once existed has turned into angst. And I'm tired of fighting to maintain bonds that would shatter entirely as soon as I come out.

Blah... my eyes are dry and itchy now, haha... but just needed to vent I guess.... I've contemplated the whole suicide thing, but my best friend is the only reason I can't seem to go through with it. She would literally beat the shit out of me to hell and back, and most of all, I couldn't see her heart break if I was gone.

Anyways, flame me, support me, do what you wish, but thank you for letting me vent!

 

[CuriousMonkey]

Realize the people you count as family don't have to be limited to those that random circumstance handed you ... you can define "family" in a way that works better for you! Once you find your tribe of folks with similar values you'll see things differently.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey bzeus69,

Mate, you have just taken the hardest step... the step that seems almost impossible to make sometimes. And right now it might not seem like much but right here is where you start to turn this around. You've stopped running. You asked for help. And by doing those 2 things you have started to regain control of your life.

Sometimes when it seems so hard, so dark, we can forget who we are. When it seems that there is just no chance of happiness, no chance of anything good happening we can lose our place, lose our ability to see our own good.

And mate thats what you have to realize... your worth, your contribution, your smile, your laugh, your ability to love, to care, to strive, to persist, to cherish and love your friends and family no matter what, your ability to love and respect... those are the things that you own. The things that make you you. The things that no one controls, no can take and they are the things that ensure you are will always be loved and cherished by those who really know you and care about you.

I read your post and I see an intelligent, articulate guy, a guy with a talent for IT by the sounds of it, a guy whos realistic and a guy who has strength and courage enough to ask questions about who he is, where he's going and what he has to do to make his life change for the better.

And to me bzues, those things add up to a pretty unique and special guy... nothing less.

Mate, theres no doubt that your family sound like a challenge. And until you are ready, safe and secure its one you need to delay.

Its time for you to set out a little. Its time for you to open up and explore whats around you. Seek out and find people who value you... explore the community you live in, find people with similar interests and surround yourself with people who actually see you, understand you and relate to you. You dont need to cut off your family, but you need to establish a network of friends that cherish you and get you... and from what I see here that wont take long once you put your mind to it.

You need to get a fresh perspective on this. You need to look in from the outside, from somewhere where you dont feel so dependent and constrained. You need to get a sense of security and comfort back in your life so you be clear and open in your thinking.

And mate theres no reason you cant do this. No one posts and asks for help with out a strenght and desire to make change, to seek the happiness they deserve like you did without the strength to break out. Just take control... take ownership and get your life in your hands.

And then, when you fell safe and secure, figure out how to relate to the members of your family you feel safest with... your sister, your mum. One at a time... when you are ready.

But for now, understand how incredibly important you are and that that is worth fighting every minute of every day for. And with the right people around you mate... just 1 or 2 will do it... you can get this sorted.

Thank you for sharing mate... we'll be with you every step of the way as you work your way through this... and all you have to do is ask...

 

[G-Lexington]

It sounds like you have lost your family. And that's kind of sad. But in a sense, that may make things a bit easier. There's already some distance, so when you choose to step away and start living life as you, they won't be there to stop you.

So where are you right now? Not physically, but in your life? Do you still live at home? Do you have a job outside of the website design?

Because it sounds like you need to take the next step - moving on. Becoming an individual, apart from your family. Maybe that's in Chicago. Maybe there's another city where you'd like to live. Maybe you can continue doing web design. Or perhaps there's something else you want to do.

Yes, behind you is a close family that you no longer appear to be a part of. But in front of you is a huge array of endless possibilities.

There's a kick-ass world out there.
Go live in it.
And let us know how we can help.

Lex

 

[JOHN B]

Similar to what people here have said.....we all can define our own "family". I think you should come out completely. To yourself, your family, and your friends. That way those members of your family who are still going to accept you, will be able to do so knowing the complete You. For those that don't, it will allow for you, and them, to start accepting the change. Plus, most of all, as you come out completely you will open more doors to your surrounding environment than you knew were there. You will be able to create new bonds, and a new support system, or "family". Plus, being completely open, you might meet others who "did not know" about you, who THEMSELVES are closeted. Maybe even members of your family (cousins, etc.....). Basically, once you come out completely, everyone---you and your family---can move on from there. Good luck with your future.

 

[racer2438]

Pease dont do any thing to harm your self!!!!!!

Some of the hardest parts you are starting to do..that is to start putting a gap between you and them. Sometimes a gap in a whole knew place,town,state county is a aprt of it also.

I sorry it has come to this for you, but you have to live for your self and keep your mind straight. The pain will be hard to deal with but it will get better.
The isolation your getting does not help. But you can do this and get better for your self.

Life is always going to be a struggle, but we have to move on and keep pushing forward, dont give up.

Please dont harm your self, as in the end your family will have won and you will have never been happy. Dont let them get the last word and dont let them continue to place this pressure on you.

 

[Lube]

A common theme in coming out--and knowing when you are really and truly ready to come out--is getting to the point where you say, "Fuck everybody, I am who I am."

It means potentially giving up family, giving up friends. It's un-fuckin'-believably hard. But it's when you finally stand up for yourself. It sounds like you're getting to that point. That's a good thing.

As others have said, "family" is relative in the gay community (same thing in the Deaf community).

When I first came out and started hanging out with gay guys, they would often point out a guy walking by who seemed to have a gay vibe and whisper "He's family." At first I thought it was catty and rude. But then I realized it's a survival thing. For those gay men whose family rejected them (even partially), we establish a different family amongst ourselves. So saying "he's family" is a little catty, but it's also a commentary on how we have to build our own family, with people of our choosing, with people who are like (or who accept) us.

 

[hanshansen]

I am no where close to your predicament (super conservative and homophobic family) but I can kind of relate.

Until very recently I got pretty much all my sense of self and self-worth from my parents and (extended) family. They (implicitly) set my goals, my friends were friends of theirs, etc.

I thought my family was an ego crutch and a safe haven but in fact this situation was just sucking the self-esteem out of me ... nothing in my life was MINE, I was being bailed out for my failures, I didn't even feel I could claim credit for my successes ... I felt trapped.

My life has got 1000 times better since I moved out of my parents' influence and made my own friends with people who aren't part of that circle.

I'm not estranged from my parents at all, but they live 40 minutes away and don't come into the city often, I visit them about once a month, we live our separate lives. And that's good.

Your situation is extreme, because you've recognised that a part of you is in fundamental conflict with your family's values. But a lot of people have to go through this. My own parents moved overseas and drifted away from their own parents (arguably too late in their lives).

I guess what I'm trying to say with all of this is that you're not that alone.

One recommendation: I don't know Chicago. But try to establish a base some place which is liberal enough that you can feel accepted by the maximum variety of people.

 

[Gomaki]

Besides the sort of advice of meeting new people and what not, you might consider seeing a gay friendly therapist. You look like you have a lot of stuff on your shoulders. Lots of people don't believe in Psychologists, but if you go to one that specializes in gay issues (and yes, they do exist), you could probably get a lot of help. They might tell you similar things to what you hear here, but they will get to know your problem more deeply than people here will, and will be able to diagnose anything else like Depression or Anxiety disorders and give you the proper treatment (no, not drugs, psychiatrists do the prescription thing).

Suicide definitely isn't worth it. You are the same age as me, and you have a long way to go still! Best of luck to you.

 

[bzeus69]

Wow, definitely some great advice guys, and thank you so much for the words of encouragement! Its still pretty bad, but I'm just holding on.... after much thinking I know things will get better with time, just some more bumps ahead of me that I'll need to hurdle over.

Would write a much longer post, but theres just no way I can express my gratitude for your kindness and words of support!

So with that, Thank you!

Off to bed, and to another day! lol

 

[G-Lexington]

You bet. Go kick ass.

Lex

 

[Syn]

I sometimes feel the same way. I have conservative parents but I'm only out to my sister and she is extremely supportive of me and even offered to give me a place to live if my parents ever cut me off.

My parents spend their time watching FOX news and telling me how much Boston is influencing my politics. I often wonder how they could worry about that so much. I would love to tell them I'm gay. Maybe that would stop them from worrying about my politics so much and instead worry about how I'm doing.

Stay strong.