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nachodude

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Hey guys,

I've been lurking around these forums for a long time but this is my first post. You all seem to offer great advice and support when someone needs it - something I need now.

Little background: I'm 25, came out last fall and began dating earlier this spring. I've had ups and downs - that's life - I expect that.

In August I started chatting online with a guy about 60 miles away. I never really thought we'd meet, but I was closer to him one weekend and asked if he wanted to meet up. We ended up spending the entire day together and I had the best time I've had in a while. When we said goodbye I didn't really think I'd see him again for a while, but we ended up seeing each other 2 weeks later.

We started getting together every weekend. He asked what he thought about dating and at first I wasn't sure. First, there's the distance. And second, he's 20 years older than me. It took me a few days, but after thinking about it and talking with a good friend, I wanted to go for it. I like him and that stuff didn't matter.

Fast forward to now. We've spent nearly every weekend together for the past couple months. When we're away from each other we text all day. I like how things are progressing, even if it is slower. Then, last weekend, he sprang something on me. He thinks I want things to go faster and he doesn't want to. I told him I'm very happy with how things are. Then he shared his concern with distance, not being able to see me enough and the age difference. I quit my job to return to school for a year and he thinks I'm not established enough to be in a relationship with him. This all surprised me, a lot, seeing that he knew the situation up front.

He wants a few days to think about if we should continue seeing each other. I'm totally lost. I told him I would be upset if we stopped, but I support whatever decision. I don't want to just get hurt worse further down the road and neither does he.

I don't know what support I'm looking for. The other night he seemed to want to say we should break up but couldn't. Is this something I should consider ending? Maybe this just isn't meant to be. I like him, and he says he likes me. I would think if that was the case we could work things out.

I guess anything anyone wants to share would be appreciated.

Thanks guys.
 
Well, it sounds like he wants out. Listing ALL the reasons usually means they are looking for an excuse when the only reason that matters is "I don't want to be in this anymore". I am not trying to paint him as a bad guy, but there is very little you can do. I am also not a "thinking a few days" kind of person. I follow my instincts, and I don't think that if I feel like quitting something, a few days are gonna change anything for me.

So I guess I don't really see this continuing, and arguments won't help, because he doesn't sound like he has any one particular reason for wanting to call it off.
 
What are the chances he's getting back together with an ex? I don't like how he's he treating you. You need to know if you're in or out. It's emotional torture and it's best to have stability. You deserve that.
 
Yeah if he won't come to the point you need to, a graceful way out, tell him you feel he's not sure of what he needs right now so you're going to opt out for the moment and if he figures it out, to give you a call.

People don't always have big dramatic reasons for wanting out, sometimes it just doesn't feel right, or didn't turn out the way they expected, or the feelings just didn't develop - and you don't always get answers for why.
 
TX-Beau said:
People don't always have big dramatic reasons for wanting out, sometimes it just doesn't feel right, or didn't turn out the way they expected, or the feelings just didn't develop - and you don't always get answers for why.
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Exactly that thing happened to me in 2003 after 5 years. Out of the blue, no reason, not another guy, just, "I can't. Not now", then total disappearance.

Stunned is an understatement.

Big error - I hit the booze hard - for 5 years. Then, out of the blue, he began messaging me online, apologizing, wants to be friends, but not wanting to get together again. I never did get an answer.

At least I quit drowning myself in booze. Yet, still alone.
 
Reckon this is only one side of the story but it honestly does sound like he wants out. The fact that he is considering leaving you is never a good sign. I'd be ready to accept his departure.
 
Thanks for all your replies. Pretty much sums up what I was thinking anyway. I know there isn't always a reason and I'm fine with that.

I guess what bothers me the most is he pushed me in the beginning to enter a relationship when I was afraid of the distance and age difference becoming an issue. Now that I'm over that he's throwing that concern back on me. Of course, there could be something else and that's just the excuse.

Seasoned said:
What are the chances he's getting back together with an ex? I don't like how he's he treating you. You need to know if you're in or out. It's emotional torture and it's best to have stability. You deserve that.
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One of his ex's lives minutes away from him and they message each other from time to time. He actually helped his ex get a job where he works for the summer. He says there's nothing between them anymore and he would never go back. It was a short fling anyway. I don't think he would, but I think he has some feeling for him still anyway.

maxpowr9 said:
Reckon this is only one side of the story but it honestly does sound like he wants out. The fact that he is considering leaving you is never a good sign. I'd be ready to accept his departure.
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I'm sure he has his own side, too. He's shared a lot of it with me, but there's probably more. I am ready if that's his choice.
 
Life isn't always neat, and getting "closure" often never comes. He's making decisions without you for whatever reason, so they only thing you can and should do at this point is to withdraw from him, keep yourself busy with school, friends, work, etc... If he's not going to share with you what is going thru his mind, regardless of how dark it may be, you two are not in one relationship made of two souls, thus it's unsustainable.
 
nachodude said:
I guess what bothers me the most is he pushed me in the beginning to enter a relationship when I was afraid of the distance and age difference becoming an issue. Now that I'm over that he's throwing that concern back on me. Of course, there could be something else and that's just the excuse.


choice.
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That's an excuse. Classic tactic too btw. Repeat what the other person did as an objection. Has this guy ever had a successful, longterm, relationship (over 3 years) with anyone?
 
MoltenRock III said:
That's an excuse. Classic tactic too btw. Repeat what the other person did as an objection. Has this guy ever had a successful, longterm, relationship (over 3 years) with anyone?
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From what he's told me, no serious relationship. He says he generally ends up getting hurt and doesn't want that to happen with me. Of course I can't guarantee that but I don't intend to. Doesn't want to hurt me either. He said he never wanted to do another long distance relationship too, but then met me.
 
nachodude said:
From what he's told me, no serious relationship. He says he generally ends up getting hurt and doesn't want that to happen with me.
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I think he is emotionally withdrawn. He's not a long term relationship kind of guy. Your option is to have a fuck buddy relationship with him or stop seeing him. Either way, you need to start dating other people.

Trust me. This is not your last breakup either. You will get hurt if you want to date. The most important thing for you to do is learn from each experience. Know that you will get hurt...so that you will learn to heal. You will fall...so that you will learn to get back up again.

I don't know a single person who did not fall while learning to ride a bicycle or rollerblade or ski. But that didn't stop them from trying and be successful at these activities. It's no difference in relationships. It's part of living. It's part of life.
 
When you have someone that you're seeing who "decides" for both of you what's best for both of you, it's generally a sign of things to come. He's not ready for a relationship with an equal.

There's plenty of non-wishy-washy guys who are looking for an equal partner. You'd be better off spending your time with one of them.
 
nachodude said:
From what he's told me, no serious relationship. He says he generally ends up getting hurt and doesn't want that to happen with me. Of course I can't guarantee that but I don't intend to. Doesn't want to hurt me either. He said he never wanted to do another long distance relationship too, but then met me.
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Sorry the dude is damaged goods, with waaaaay too much baggage. Any male in his mid-40s that hasn't had an actual relationship, and is still chasing boys half his age is damaged. Don't walk, run!
 
There possibly are two explanations

He wasn't interested in a relationship just a fling with a younger guy. Some older guys push younger guys hard believing that it is the only way they will ever be able to succeed, when he realises you're actually falling for him he's running a mile away.

Otherwise he may be deeply insecure and is withdrawing from the relationship or desperately seeking your reassurance. Either way the signals are not good and you should prepare for the worst. Don't let yourself be fucked over, but remember the good times, don't be resentful and try to get on with your life.

Now that you've started seeing guys (I believe this is your first), your life will never be the same again.
 
Regardless of whatever else may be going on, I guess I have the decision.

He sent me an email saying he's not ready for a long distance relationship; he can't get over it. He wants to be able to see me for quick coffee dates, not just a whole weekend. He thinks we went too fast even though it was all him. He asked me to be his boyfriend, he initiated sex first, he even invited me to meet his parents (at their 50th wedding anniversary) two weeks in. And now he's not ready for it.

We talked for an hour on the phone after I read his email. Him telling me he wants to see me more than every weekend but never come to visit me just tells me that it's all about him. He wants to be friends and "see where it goes from there." I guess I'm supposed to understand that he wants to start over again after we've had an intimate relationship. I don't think I can do that.

Thanks for all your replies.
 
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