Where will this crush lead to?

[BigCat]

Hi guys, long time on-and-off JUB lurker posting. I'm having a relationship crisis. I'm bi.

First off some background. I'm in a relationship with a wonderful girl. We're both 21 and have been together for four years now. She and I have been best friends for about eight years. I've come to believe that we're soul mates . I've been saving up money to propose to her later this year when I graduate college. With comments from friends like "Where are all the babies? You're long overdue!" I know that everyone's been waiting for our marriage. I've given her a rough estimate of when I'd propose to her since she's been waiting so long. So I've pretty much only seen myself with her in the future … Until I got a crush on a guy last week. I found out that he's bi too. (Will explain later)

Before this gets massively long, my girlfriend knows that I'm bisexual. At least that's the best 'sexuality label' that I can think of for myself. I had always felt a thing for guys in my childhood but I didn't figure it out back then. I had crushes on girls too which reinforced my beliefs that guys were just a phase. I told my girlfriend about my sexuality about six months ago and she said she still loved me. The first words she said to me was "That's it? I thought you were cheating on me!"

Ok now on to the part some of you guys were waiting for . Some of my friends came by to visit my girlfriend and me last week. We went down to the park on a rather unseasonably hot day and my girlfriend had to pee at a coffee shop. While we were there I ordered cold coffee for both of us. At that point I was just standing and then I caught a glimpse of the barista through the corner of my eye. Is it me or did it get hot in here? I hadn't felt that same feeling since childhood. I quickly shook the idea out of my head because the idea felt wrong, I had a great relationship already. I started to hide my feelings so I could get out of the shop quickly. What I didn't expect was when I got closer to this guy I nearly melted. All he did was serve me coffee! He didn't even hit on me or anything, or so I want to believe. I picked up the coffee, took my last glance at him, and left the shop with my friends.

After the day ended and I was back in bed with my girlfriend and I thought, WTH happened back in the shop? A crush … this hard? I've had feelings for girls too, even recently, but I can get over them quicker. What really confuses me is how I'm going to be happily satisfied with my life without testing the 'what if' with men. Of course, I can't even remotely think of hurting my girlfriend. I've actually told her about the guy at the coffee shop and I gasped when she said she would be fine if I met some guys.

I've been in confusion ever since last week. I'm so fortunate to have a girl like mine that I feel like I belong with her. My ideal future is a monogamous relationship with her but my ideal present is getting to know myself better. I'm just practically wallowing in feelings right now and am wondering … what's my next move?

 

[BigCat]

I know the guy is bi because I got a bit nerdy/creepy and found his myspace. I actually regret finding the page now. Damn crush.

 

[KaraBulut]

Part of being an adult is honoring commitments that you make.

This is true of your straight friends who are in committed relationships who go to clubs and ogle women.

It's true of gay men who have plenty of opportunity for a little side action on their boyfriends.

And it's true for you- whether you're straight, gay or bi. Look, flirt... but don't touch.

If you can't look and not touch- whether it's with the guys or with the girls- then you're not ready for the commitment that you've made with your girlfriend.

Although it's a bit odd that you're posting this just because a bisexual barista made eyes at you...

The girlfriend sounds like a nice girl. If you're smart, then the answer to the question in the subject should be "nowhere".

 

[Seasoned]

You remind me of me. In my case those feelings for gay exploration got stronger and stronger. I ended up divorced with children. Just sayin.'

 

[yourally]

I know some people who'd say you got into a serious relationship too early, to leave her and start satisfying your curiosity and make yourself happy. I would disagree.

She sounds like an amazing, caring,cool person. I don't think your attraction for guys is any different from being interested in other attractive women you see, we like what we can't have.

But it also sounds like you feel proposing is the right thing to do "because she's been waiting so long". I don't know if that's the right reason to propose, so I'd say stay with this girl and unless either one of you falls out of love, be happy with what you have, and "look, but don't touch"

You can't stop being attracted to other people, but it's up to you to stay faithful to your girlfriend just as if it was another woman.And I think you felt it so strong because your sexuality and who you are, is still evolving

Good luck and God Bless

 

[BigCat]

Thanks everyone. This is such a great place to get varied insight.

As soon as I posted this thread and logged off JUB I started thinking to myself ... is the proposal stress already getting to me? I think the part of me that wants to do some gay exploration decided to get a bit too horny that day. I know how a relationship with a girl is but what about with a guy? Thankfully I re-read my original post and disconnected myself from the crush. I'm so used to cutting off ideas about other girls that I don't even have to think about it anymore. I was kind of caught off guard with the guy.

I think the reason that I got so shook up about this is because I haven't been attracted to a guy ever since I felt comfortable being bi. Before that, only a year ago, I just kind of shrugged it off, but in denial. So to sum it up, I guess I had a mini-meltdown because I got a crush on a guy. I'm going to talk to my girlfriend about some of things I've said. I hope she'll understand that I don't really want to seek an open relationship.

(I hope this entire thread wasn't too childish for you experienced daters )

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, well you are very young. There's a huge amount of change that's going on with you right now, you're still in the transition from kid to adult.

Who knows where you'll be in a couple of years. None of us did at your age, even though we were all certain we did.

I suppose if you want to propose you should do that, but you might want to wait a few more years. If you both are that committed to each other, you have all the time in the world. Work out any possible kinks ahead of time.

 

[Reality101]

I think the reason that I got so shook up about this is because I haven't been attracted to a guy ever since I felt comfortable being bi. Before that, only a year ago, I just kind of shrugged it off, but in denial. So to sum it up, I guess I had a mini-meltdown because I got a crush on a guy. I'm going to talk to my girlfriend about some of things I've said. I hope she'll understand that I don't really want to seek an open relationship.)

Good luck! It's great that you are going to talk to your gf. Communication is everything. I can understand your mini melt down. I had my own when I realized that I was bi. I didn't talk to my gf about it for months but when I did everything worked out (essentially) and we both grew even closer. Just be honest and remind her of how much you love her and value your relationship with her. A crush on a man doesn't have to end your relationship or redefine your feelings for you girlfriend. You have he right idea. Just talk it out And be glad that you discovered these feelings before you proposed! It's my advice that you need to experience this side of yourself before marriage so that you don't have any hovering regrets or curiosities.

 

[seven_sins]

Somehow I don't believe that you are really "disconnected" from that crush.

 

[nautiboyjeff]

I hate to be blunt here, but I concur with the post above and think the reason you are able to cut off your thoughts about girls is because you are not attracted to them as much as you think.

As you get older, the "crushes" and "desires" will come harder.

Denile just isn't a river in Egypt.

I too never "loved" guys, so I never expected a relationship. I got married (no kids) but found out those crushes and desires were a little stronger than I understood at the time. Married at 27, divorced at 32.

 

[Shawn1]

Since she said she'd be OK with you knowing some guys, take her up on it.

Be honest and open about whats happening to you, and please don't crush the feelings you get. Run with them, let it happen, and you'll know as you go along.

Good luck

 

[BigCat]

Reality101 it's nice to know you had a similar experience

I talked to my girlfriend about this and it looks like I misunderstood her about the open relationship. Frankly, I wasn't very excited about the possibility of juggling two relationships so, it wasn't ideal at all. What she cleared up is that no, she won't accept an open relationship. She's ok with a "no strings attached" approach if I meet a guy.

I think I may just take up her offer. I can't this week though because I'm visiting my parents for spring break. After the break I'm back in downtown ATL. What do you guys think if I approach that barista? I personally only want to settle out any regrets or curiosities ... but I've never been with a guy, alone.

Ivan

 

[BigCat]

Oh and what I mean by an "open relationship" is having two regular relationships going on at the same time.

 

[TX-Beau]

That's not an open relationship, that's an untenable situation.

 

[Reality101]

What do you guys think if I approach that barista? I personally only want to settle out any regrets or curiosities ... but I've never been with a guy, alone.

I've never been with a guy alone either. Not outside of jerking off together that is. My advice is to go into it with an open mind. Avoid strict limitations like no kissing, no this and that but at the same time if you aren't comfortable with something then speak up and don't do it. Just try not to limit the experience because you may regret this later. Also, I don't want to suggest that you will feel the same way I did after being with a guy but prepare yourself for the possibility that you will really like it and want to do it again. Perhaps with the same guy or other guys. Be honest with yourself afterward. Life throws you curve balls and it may not be as simple as, "Wow! That was great! Glad I got it out of my system." Everything has a cause and effect. Do not dismiss the effect that it may have on you just because it confuses you or shakes you up a bit. Anyway, in short, be honest and aware of your emotions. And yea go for the barista. Why not? You liked him

 

[nautiboyjeff]

Also - if you do this, just be prepared for some major negative feelings too. You may feel like you "cheated" or have some other regret. Give that some time if that happens as well.

You may find yourself in a bit of a cycle of liking it, doing it, regretting it, and fantasizing about it again, doing it, regretting it, etc.

We have all talked about sexuality being fluid here. If you have any religious baggage, you have an incredible relationship with this girlfriend, so you may have some guilt about liking sex with this person (if it happens).

Finally, IF the barista isn't into you, then that's no a sign that your not gay, just means he's not into you.

Good luck sport - just give this plenty of time before you make any commitment to a relationship - I think you will see the wisdom of giving things a lot of time from many of the guys on here!