Which guy to date

[daniel85]

Hi there,

I have been lurking in this community for a while, and have been very impressed by the quality of discussion here, so I've decided to become a member as well. I am writing to see if any of you can offer me some advice on how to proceed in my situation.

I work as an assistant professor at a university. I had never been "on the market" in the past, because I was busy with my academic work. Recently I decided to join an online dating website and start to see someone. There are two people that I really like and who also expressed interest in me, but I am debating which one to date and if it is appropriate to date two people at the same time. If you were me, which one would you choose?

The first guy works as a correctional officer and is around my age (mid twenties). He is very reserved and is a very quiet person. He asked many questions regarding where I want to be in the next few years and whether I want to have a kid and start a family, although we haven't really chatted for along... He lives about an hour away from where I live.

The second guy is very handsome (in my opinion), although he is in his late 30s. He is currently pursuing a degree in forensic anthropology, while working as a stand-up comedian. I casually mentioned to him that because of my job, I get to stay at fancy hotels, and he immediately perked up and wanted to meet up. According to his profile, he is relationship-oriented. The downside is that he is about two hours' drive from my place.

I have never been to the dating scene in the U.S. (Yes, I was born and raised in another country), so any help you can offer would be highly appreciated. Please feel free to ask me for more information.

Thanks!

Daniel

 

[anchihiro]

Yep go on a date with both, one instantly might not work out. But the distance does seem a little far.

 

[bankside]

It depends what your intentions are. Are you just looking to meet people and have fun, or do you want to find someone you can have a lifelong relationship with. Just knowing what you want will save a lot of time. If you want the full meal deal relationship, then probably both of these guys have already eliminated themselves just because they both seem about the same to you. When you've met the right one, you'll know it, and no one else will come close.

But if you're not looking for that, or if you choose not to be single until then, then go out with whoever you feel like and whoever feels like going out with you.

most normal people don't carry any expectations of exclusivity when a relationship is first starting out.

I disagree with this. I think people notice if you can't focus your attention on one person long enough to figure out how you feel about them.

 

[daniel85]

Thank you very much loki and anchi for your wonderful advice. Now I know that it is perfectly appropriate for me to date both.

Since I am not really interested in a hookup, the distance is a bit of concern for me. Travelling can be very exhausting for both parties, and I am not quite sure how realistic it is to manage a long-distance relationship. I'd be grateful if any of you, who has been there and done that, can offer some advice here. I've just set up a date with the first guy, the correctional officer. Any signs that I should look for in judging whether it is a good date? I am just worried that I may be blinded by my own feelings.

Daniel

 

[daniel85]

Hi bankside,

Thank you very much for your powerful comments. Looking for a life-long relationship would definitely be something I want, but I am afraid that it seems a bit elusive. To me, a long-last relationship is not simply built on mutual affection for each other. Perhaps I am very rational, but I usually take into account a lot of factors when it comes to dating, such as mutual compatability, each other's professional development... I see all the above-mentioned as problem triggers that may affect the development of a meaningful relationship.

I see that you have already been spoken for. Perhaps you can share with me more of your experience?

Daniel

 

[Rand]

... I casually mentioned to him that because of my job, I get to stay at fancy hotels, and he immediately perked up and wanted to meet up. ...
Daniel

This raised a red flag to me. It sounded like you, as a person and through all the conversation prior, were "passing grade" - a high "C" or a 6 or 7 on the scale of 10?

The thought that you stayed in fancy hotels moved you up on the list - got you bonus points - whatever the appropriate metaphor might be. To me that says you only were not enough.

That said, there is no reason not to keep an open mind and meet both for a casual lunch or such. May not find a BF, but may find a friend, those are good too.

celebrate your life,
Rand

 

[bankside]

Ahh! It seems you haven't even really met these guys yet? Just spend time together and get to know each other, and no, as long as you're just meeting people, then go ahead and meet both of them. You won't need our help once you've decided.

I thought you were at the point of already knowing both.

As for my experience, I waited a long time, when I already felt ready for a relationship, until I found the right person. I had a few opportunities for fun along the way, which I eventually rejected before things got too far, because it didn't feel possible to expand that into a long term relationship. To be honest it was frustrating to wait, but when I found my guy I didn't care any more. We have been together 13 years, and it was long distance for the first year and a half (well, 300 km, so we could still see each other on weekends).

I waited to find him, but that is only because everything else seemed a lot like a waste of time. Yet, I don't believe in waiting for waiting's sake. Looking back, if there had been someone with whom I could have had a sexual friendship, if not a lifelong relationship, that would have been okay. It would have been fine for my guy as well.

Long distance, occupation, who makes sense...whether that matters...all of that is difficult to judge until you meet the person. Just go, have a good time, listen, be welcoming of his presence, be a bit brave, and see who he reveals himself to be. I hope you have a fun time

 

[Ninja108]

Hi there,

I have been lurking in this community for a while, and have been very impressed by the quality of discussion here, so I've decided to become a member as well. I am writing to see if any of you can offer me some advice on how to proceed in my situation.

I work as an assistant professor at a university. I had never been "on the market" in the past, because I was busy with my academic work. Recently I decided to join an online dating website and start to see someone. There are two people that I really like and who also expressed interest in me, but I am debating which one to date and if it is appropriate to date two people at the same time. If you were me, which one would you choose?

The first guy works as a correctional officer and is around my age (mid twenties). He is very reserved and is a very quiet person. He asked many questions regarding where I want to be in the next few years and whether I want to have a kid and start a family, although we haven't really chatted for along... He lives about an hour away from where I live.

The second guy is very handsome (in my opinion), although he is in his late 30s. He is currently pursuing a degree in forensic anthropology, while working as a stand-up comedian. I casually mentioned to him that because of my job, I get to stay at fancy hotels, and he immediately perked up and wanted to meet up. According to his profile, he is relationship-oriented. The downside is that he is about two hours' drive from my place.I have never been to the dating scene in the U.S. (Yes, I was born and raised in another country), so any help you can offer would be highly appreciated. Please feel free to ask me for more information.

Thanks!

Daniel

That should raise a red flag. As Rand said, the fact his intrest perked up the moment you mentioned this stuff shows his intrest (IMO) is more in your wallet than what's in your head and heart.
I would recommend going with the first guy and see how it goes. If it clicks, you might have the relationship you're looking for.

 

[HunterM]

Date both of them. Get to know both of them. You will learn how to read people the more you interact with them. Since you're new to dating, don't limit yourself to dating just one person at a time if there are opportunities to date others. There are plenty of dating lessons to be learned along the way. Experience will guide you in choosing your long term relationship partner.

When you're ready to be exclusive, then choose one person to take it to the next level.

 

[Seasoned]

I'll chime in with the suggestion you date as many people you think appropriate. I'm wondering if you come from a culture of arranged marriages.

Although I had to know if the person I was serious about had ever thought about a future ltr I was asking to see if anyone else eventually wanted what I did. That was 28 years ago.

A lot of people made a lot of mistakes back then, but a good thing about face to face is the superficial screening that goes on. The meetings based on cyber introductions can be ackward if upon meeting one realizes there is no spark.

Good luck with this. I'm hoping things work out well for you.

 

[daniel85]

Thank you guys! You are just amazing! I feel very blessed to have you in my corner.

Here is a brief update: I scheduled a date with the first guy (the correctional officer) on next Sunday (2/27). Unfortunately, he had to reschedule because he just had a surgery to remove a scar and probably wanted to look good.

I chatted with the second person on the phone - I thought that he would have had great verbal fluency and would be a good conversationalist. Unfortunately, it seems that we constantly run out of topics... He messaged me today and asked me how I was doing. I told him that I wanted to be honest with him: commuting on a weekly basis wouldn't be an issue for me, but I still see the distance to be a big issue. I told him that he deserves someone who is truly committed and I don't want to give him false hopes. (He said on his online profile that he only wanted a relationship.) He responded: that does not mean we can't be friends. distance is an issue.
I said: we can definitely be friends and hang out, but I wanted to be honest with him. We can keep chatting and messaging and eventually meet up. (I borrowed the advice from TeddyTime)

@soreknees: Yes, face-to-face meetings are much better than online dating, but my university is near a resort for rich retired people, so there isn't much dating scene. Plus, I don't go to clubs, so it's a bit of a challenge for me to meet people in person. However, I will definitely venture out!

If you guys have additional feedback/ advice, please feel free to share with me.

 

[HunterM]

What do you mean "there isn't much dating scene"? You live near a resort for rich retired people. How about dating sugar daddies?

 

[daniel85]

LOL. Hunter, that's very funny. I wish I was as a good hunter as you are.

By the way, I have set a date to meet both guys. I have never actually met anyone from an online dating website before. Do you think that it would be appropriate for me to ask those people for their full name (not just their first name) and home address for safety reasons? I am tempted to also ask them for their driver's license number, but it may be too much.

Here is the rationale: please correct me if I am wrong. If we do have some fun on our first date, I would definitely take protection measures (such as condom), but it would not entirely stop the spread of HIV. I wanted to make sure that those people are tracktable if I happen to get contracted. Am I being over-cautious?

Thanks so much for your continuing support!

Daniel

 

[bankside]

Whatever turns you on, but that is the most unerotic evening I can imagine. Having someone's drivers licence number does not make the difference between me trusting someone enough to sleep with him or not. It's a lot more involved than that.

And no, a condom would not entirely stop the spread of HIV.

Just meet them and enjoy getting to know who they are.

 

[altlover85]

LOL. Hunter, that's very funny. I wish I was as a good hunter as you are.

By the way, I have set a date to meet both guys. I have never actually met anyone from an online dating website before. Do you think that it would be appropriate for me to ask those people for their full name (not just their first name) and home address for safety reasons? I am tempted to also ask them for their driver's license number, but it may be too much.

Here is the rationale: please correct me if I am wrong. If we do have some fun on our first date, I would definitely take protection measures (such as condom), but it would not entirely stop the spread of HIV. I wanted to make sure that those people are tracktable if I happen to get contracted. Am I being over-cautious?

Daniel

I think the license number is overkill. I would get their full name and then look up their address.

I would meet them in a public place and if you don't feel comfortable with them, don't have sex with them. Also, just because you meet someone online doesn't mean you have to have sex with them.

Good luck!

 

[daniel85]

Hey Bankside and Altlover85,

Thank you very much for your pointers.

@atlove85, you mentioned looking up their address. How would you do that, subcribe to a reverse search service? I doubt that people would list their current address, but again I am just a novice.

 

[altlover85]

Generally I just do a google search on the person and put their town in. You should know what town they live in, I would think. If not, I suppose you could do an area code look up, but if someone was unwilling to tell you what town they lived in that would raise some red flags, especially since I would assume you'd be meeting either in his town or yours or somewhere in the middle.

 

[bankside]

You meet, in public... Movies, coffee shop, museum, concert.. somewhere that you don't have to be alone with a stranger. Then you enjoy each other's company. Hopefully you end up talking at a coffee shop until it closes and they kick you guys out. At least enjoy yourselves together. If you have a bit of a spark, enjoy it. Show some interest.

Then you go your separate ways. You talk again, make plans if you didn't already. Get together again, enjoy, repeat.

Maybe you get introduced to a friend or two. You start getting a picture of his life and he still fascinates you and attracts you and the feeling is mutual. This has been going on for a few weeks to a few months. Kissing leads to more kissing to some groping and then "Should we go upstairs?" followed by "Yes" and more kissing.

And then you're in a sexual relationship.

See? Easy, comfortable, and natural. No private eye stuff tracking down the people and all that. You are right to want to know all these things about someone you sleep with, but you can't force it. You're supposed to learn these things naturally over time. Tracking them seems suspicious and I guarantee you that nobody worth dating will find that sexy. Just let people open up to you naturally. When they do, that's a good clue that you can take your relationship to the next level.

 

[daniel85]

Thanks so much atlove and bankside for being so patient with me.

I just realized that I should at least date a person for a while, like weeks before we actually sleep together. I thought that would only happen in a heterosexual world. Please forgive my naivite. LOL

 

[altlover85]

Thanks so much atlove and bankside for being so patient with me.

I just realized that I should at least date a person for a while, like weeks before we actually sleep together. I thought that would only happen in a heterosexual world. Please forgive my naivite. LOL

I'm not necessarily saying you can't have sex with someone on the first date. It's really what you feel most comfortable with. There are no rules.

I slept with my boyfriend of 3 years on our first date and we've been together ever since. The same thing happened with my ex who I was with for a few years. The point of this is not to say that you have to have sex with someone on the first date, but that if you do, it doesn't necessarily mean the relationship won't work.