Why am I so picky with looks?!?

[Adam2299]

So over the past few months I've sort of come to the realization that I'm ridiculously picky with guys' looks. (Perhaps the reason I am single right now?)

I hate to say this, but I never even consider dating anyone unless they're drop-dead gorgeous. Most of the guys I've dated are athletes and have amazing bodies and beautiful faces. I'm not saying I would ever date anyone just b/c they're "hot" (never!). But if a guy asks me out and I'm not attracted to him, I automatically tell him no without even thinking about it (I do it nicely of course).

I know I sound like a snob, but I'm truly not. I'm always very nice about turning guys down and everything... but part of me feels like this is sort of unhealthy on my part. I'm posting this b/c there is a VERY sweet guy who is only moderately attractive and very smart who asked me out a few days ago, but I turned him down with some lame excuse... and I'm sort of regretting it now. But the thing is, I'm just not attracted to him at all. He is not ugly by any means... he's just... well, he's a LITTLE overweight, has a little acne (nothing major), kinda short.... and... he's just not magnificently beautiful (in my eyes).

The thing that scares me is... I would definitely love to pursue a romantic relationship with him if he was more attractive. He's pretty much everything I want in a guy and he makes me laugh like no one else... he's just missing a 6-pack...........

What the hell is my problem!!!!!

 

[chris0626]

You don't really have a problem. You're quite young still and I'm assuming very attractive.

You'll get over the 'looks are everything' phase quickly.

There is so much more to a relationship than 'arm-candy' it isn't even funny.

While there's certainly nothing wrong with wanting a physically attractive mate, I'd much rather have 'average' looks to go with someone that treats me the way I deserve to be treated, rather than as a piece of attractive 'meat'.

 

[swerve]

I don't think you are a snob at all...

I've NEVER dated anyone I didn't think was absolutely HOT...

You've gotta be attracted to the guy...

 

[afwyoguy]

I have the exact same problem. The only guys I want to date are the extrememly good looking ones. I always feel bad, because for one the practical side of me says to go for whats on the inside not the outside and for two, I'm not one of those great looking guys.

 

[MindBlast]

I'm the same as you. I tried to 'see past the looks' once, but it ended up not working out because I never wanted sex.

For me, the thing that would kill it the most is an ugly face and/or being overweight. Acne I can deal with.

 

[drhladnjak]

The thing that scares me is... I would definitely love to pursue a romantic relationship with him if he was more attractive. He's pretty much everything I want in a guy and he makes me laugh like no one else... he's just missing a 6-pack...........

What the hell is my problem!!!!!

It's called being shallow

That said, I agree with what others have said. The guy has to be able to get your dick hard at some point.

Have you considered just going on a date with some of these guys that don't have perfect looks but that you're otherwise interested in? It's not unusal at all to find a guy more attractive as you get to know the rest of him better. Plus, going on a date doesn't commit you to anything more than that--not sex, not getting into a relationship, not even a second date. Just enjoy getting to know the guy better. Maybe you'll start to be more attracted to him or maybe not.

 

[luminum]

I guess it's between whether or not his looks aren't what you want initially but can grow to love, or if they're so bad that you wouldn't be able to fuck him.

A guy on here once said that you'll grow to love the face of the one you love. I believe in that. The guy can't be so unattractive that he doesn't do anything for you. But if he's alright and there's soemthing about him that attracts you physically and you already have emotional attraction, then I don't think it matters.

But that could be strictly up to each person. I would give him a shot, just to know more about yourself if nothing else. Do moderate looks matter to you so much that they overwhelm significant emotional attraction?

And remember, as long as you both live, neither of you will keep your contemporary amazing faces and amazing bodies. Time will ravage you, perhaps not completely, but you'll both reahc a time and place where you won't have amazing athletic bodies. Will you love that man or will the ravages of time stop you from wanting to be with him?

 

[wentworth]

So over the past few months I've sort of come to the realization that I'm ridiculously picky with guys' looks. (Perhaps the reason I am single right now?)

I hate to say this, but I never even consider dating anyone unless they're drop-dead gorgeous. Most of the guys I've dated are athletes and have amazing bodies and beautiful faces. I'm not saying I would ever date anyone just b/c they're "hot" (never!). But if a guy asks me out and I'm not attracted to him, I automatically tell him no without even thinking about it (I do it nicely of course).

I know I sound like a snob, but I'm truly not. I'm always very nice about turning guys down and everything... but part of me feels like this is sort of unhealthy on my part. I'm posting this b/c there is a VERY sweet guy who is only moderately attractive and very smart who asked me out a few days ago, but I turned him down with some lame excuse... and I'm sort of regretting it now. But the thing is, I'm just not attracted to him at all. He is not ugly by any means... he's just... well, he's a LITTLE overweight, has a little acne (nothing major), kinda short.... and... he's just not magnificently beautiful (in my eyes).

The thing that scares me is... I would definitely love to pursue a romantic relationship with him if he was more attractive. He's pretty much everything I want in a guy and he makes me laugh like no one else... he's just missing a 6-pack...........

What the hell is my problem!!!!!

You maybe need to pursue more friendships first.

Hang around "normal" people more often, and what you think of as attractive will begin to expand.
Now, I do not have a "type".
When I look at a blond, brunette, short, tall, black, white, polka-dotted guy, I instantly see what I like/don't like and judge each guy as a whole package ("How does it all work together?") rather than rate them against the last guy I saw.

Every "cute" guy is attractive for different reason.

So stop dating strangers and go make lots of friends. Get to know people before you go dating around.
The best attractions grow.
Maybe then you'll have time to see more than just looks.

 

[spreadeagle]

A survey asked people in relationships to grade photographs of others for looks on a scale of 1 to 10. Photographs of the test participants were included in the collection of photos to be graded. The results suggested that people choose partners whose looks receive the same grade as their own.

Having unrealistic standards or expectations can be a way of avoiding commitment. Perfectionists often refuse to compete for fear that they will fail to be perfect. Procrastination is a form of perfectionism.

 

[NickCole]

If the people you're choosing for your relationships give you what you want, satisfy and fulfill you, make your life better, why worry about the reason you're attracted to them?

If your relationships are not giving you what you need, if you're unhappy, frustrated, disappointed, uncomfortable, that kind of thing, there's something wrong with what you're attracted to and what you're attracting to yourself.

 

[Adam2299]

It's called being shallow

That said, I agree with what others have said. The guy has to be able to get your dick hard at some point.

Have you considered just going on a date with some of these guys that don't have perfect looks but that you're otherwise interested in? It's not unusal at all to find a guy more attractive as you get to know the rest of him better. Plus, going on a date doesn't commit you to anything more than that--not sex, not getting into a relationship, not even a second date. Just enjoy getting to know the guy better. Maybe you'll start to be more attracted to him or maybe not.

Yea, GREAT advice. Thank you!!! And thanks to all of you for the advice, I really appreciate it.

I saw him on campus today and I actually did agree to go on a "date" with him (only for coffee), so we'll see how it goes...

 

[RicanDAB]

Adam,

Glad to hear you are going on a date with this guy ... and I hope you bring with you an open mind and get to know him more as a person beyond what you believe are mediocre looks. Hope you eventually come to realize that it's not just physical looks that can make your dick hard. Then again, you are 21 and your hormones say otherwise right now.

I believe you've sold yourself short by turning down some of the guys you have. Hopefully that will change. "Hot" is relative - what's hot to me is not hot for someone else. My boyfriend for instance is hot to me and that is all that matters. He thinks I am hot (though I don't think I am) but as long as he believes so, that is all that matters. End of story.

 

[reinventedboy]

OK - I was like you. I would only go for guys that are really hot. Looks used to be very important to me. Until - I would get with really hot guys - but i became tired of them and most of them would only want sex. Some of them were boring and some of them were just so up themselves it wasnt funny. It wasnt until i met my ex that i went beyond the looks factor. He wasn't ugly, he was your average guy. He wasnt drop dead gorgeous either. We shared a lot in common and he was the first real person that i had ever fallen in love with. That i had ever went beyond having sex with someone on the first date. And you know what? we were together for a year and a half.

 

[reinventedboy]

To be honest.. Re reading. Now i think Personality and Charm is more important than being Drop Dead Gorgeous - Though there has to be some attraction at least

 

[hairycub29]

i had to endure a painful conversation about a friend coming to terms with whether he wanted to have sex with me - cause im not hot enough in his books.... attracted to my face but not body .....whther or not he could be seen with me , with his other friends.... i just sat and listened to this...it interested me and disturbed me ...i was made to feel like a circus freak at one point

What annoyed me was at no point was i ever asked whether i wanted to or not..
however when i kissed him ...it was the sweetest thing he loved it so much he kinda creamed his duds...that kinda threw him into a tail spin ....it wasnt revenge but came close - literally .....

 

[bigblock]

Another perspective... might get a little fallout over this.

People with unmatched physical beauty have more or less had everything handed to them as children, adolescents, and young adults. We all know this. It's not a new thing, it hasn't changed, it won't be changing any time soon.

People who have had everything handed to them aren't great at having to work for things, make compromises, or settle for anything less than absolute perfect. As such, it's no wonder their relationships fail time after time after time. As long as they are pretty, there will be a line of suitors standing at the door chomping at the bit for a chance to be their perfect match.

The catch is that nothing is perfect in life. Looks, health, jobs, complexions, body fat percentiles, life goals, nothing. People who aren't going to be appearing in GQ and realize it know this. These are the people who don't seek perfection, but who realize that flaws equal character and admire them.

Chances are you're missing out on some pretty great relationships because your standards are so high. One more thing before I post... Can you meet or beat your own standards? Do people rank you as high or higher than you rank yourself? If not, it's time to be more realistic: lower your minimal acceptable level of whatever trait(s) you pursue in a relationship and see how many doors you open.

Better yet, change the traits you pursue (youth, beauty or wealth) to more substantial things like stability, honesty, and integrity and see what happens.

 

[Andross]

While looks matter at the first sight, to have sex... they don't matter anymore once you have fallen in love with someone for the person they are. What counts is the whole package, not just their appearance. Of course, having a cute boyfriend is an added bonus, but over time, you learn to appreciate the personality of a (boy)friend so that looks are just a small afterthought when you are in bed together

 

[slobone]

My experience has been that guys who are perfect looking are often lousy in bed. They're so used to getting whoever they want that they've never had to learn how to please their partners.

I'm much more attracted to guys who are slightly off. Average looks but some smoldering quality deep inside. I'm more interested in the fire in the furnace than the something on the something. (Icing on the cake?)