Why am I so turned on by str8 guys?

[Willie Boy]

Its the whole "Forbidden Fruit" situation all over again. Humanity has trained itself to lust after that which it can not (or should not) have. As far as wanting straight guys..... This is often followed by daydreaming of the pursuit/capture of said straight guy. Then comes the overcoming the obstacle that the straight guys "playing hard to get" puts up. Daydreams like this can easily lead to suggestions of getting the straight friend drunk to have one glorious night to "show him what he's missing". In the daydream he'll "come to his senses" and realize that he, too, is gay.... and that he wants to reciprocate. Sometimes this can lead to an attempt to make it happen by getting the straight friend (the object of desire) drunk and taking advantage of him. Sadly, this ideology is espoused far too often in the gay community - just look through the threads here on JUB where people have asked how to make it most effective - and leads to not only the loss of a potential friendship, but to the possibility of judicial action and jail time.

My advice: Build up the courage to ask if you feel you must. But be prepared to accept a solid and direct no and move on, there are plenty of fish in the sea and enough of them WILL happily nibble on your bait if given half a chance. There's nothing wrong with daydreaming and playing what if, just remember where the line between reality and fiction is so you don't inadvertently cross it.

 

[mcbrion]

So many trains of thought here.
Gay men "go after" straight men because it distracts them from the fact that they are afraid of intimacy. It's all about the hunt and the conquest. Sorry if this hurts feelings, but if you did not come from a loving home, you dont trust others. Consequently, you avoid facing the fact that you fear getting close ("if they knew who I 'REALLY' was, they wouldn't want me," is a common train of thought).
If you are ONLY going after straight men, and don't enjoy the attentions of gay men, then, yes, I would say there is an element of self-loathing ('Gay men are all sissies and not "TRULY" masculine' - which is what one person has posted. Really? Rock Hudson was a sissy? ) that keeps many gay men in 'contemptuous' mode so they don't have to face the fact: they don't like themselves. Despite the protestations, this is one of those 'truisms' that is true. Or, how about this one: "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself" But if you don't love yourself, how can you ever love anyone else. Well, guess what? You cannot.

You say that you are 'out and proud.' But your letter is one of a conflicted soul. Some people claim to want love, yet when the Universe sends them someone who is actually loving (in contrast to someone whose words say they are loving, but whose actions scream otherwise), they run for the hills. The excuses are endless, but in the end loving people seek a partner because they have love to SHARE, not because they're 1), lonely or 2), need to feel complete or 3), they need to BE loved. (The last one is so common, it's heartbreaking. It also is an indicator of someone who is broken inside. And you cannot share love if you don't HAVE Love already.)

Which are you? Only you know. But look back on your history, and the type of guys you have picked in the past and you will see a trail that shows you what your past choices were. THAT is where you are. (The past informs the present in matters of action. What you did the last time - in any particular area of life - is what you will do the next time. At least, until you break the pattern.

I have a friend who only now, at 59, can honestly admit that he picked one lover 20 years ago as a reaction to the previous one. (The first one was unstable; the second one, emotionally shut down. In both cases, he used others' life force for his own comfort. And he sees it now. And believe me, he is a genuinely goodhearted man, but he came from a broken home (parents fought and divorced when he was 7). And the statistics are rampant that children from divorced homes have signifcant trust issues. He's great friends with the emotionally shut down one now, but realizes he would never have been happy with him.

And the biq question that will tell you how comfortable you are with intimacy: do you LIKE your mother? (The mother guides the child thru the stages of emotional development. If she was sick, unavailable emotionally, mean or unlikeable, you may be avoiding genuine intimacy because you don't know what it looks like - or you are afraid of showing who you are inside to others. Many people walk around with a 'mask' to hide their 'inferior function,' as we say in psychology.)
And if you cannot honestly come to an answer, look for a therapist to help you.

 

[Pickwick]

Guy I can so much relate to your story... My friend keep telling that all I desire is challenge that's what I'm attracted too. But for me it's even worth 'cause I usually fall in love with those guy who, even if I manage to have them for one night won't never be able to assume what they've done and give me what I'm looking for: the house, children and goldfish... (Because on the opposite of you I want a random life with those kind of guy). But still I love them sometime I've even done crazy things for them just 'cause I love them, like being the best guy to one of my former loved one's wedding. They always knew 'cause I am an honest guy and can't hide it anyway, but it never went further than "I fuck already you so shut up". For my part I think that we must lack of expecting reciprocity and I think for my part that I definitely disconnected sex from feeling. Well I'm turning therapeutic too so I'm not gonna continue but I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone.

So many trains of thought here.
Gay men "go after" straight men because it distracts them from the fact that they are afraid of intimacy. It's all about the hunt and the conquest. Sorry if this hurts feelings, but if you did not come from a loving home, you dont trust others. Consequently, you avoid facing the fact that you fear getting close ("if they knew who I 'REALLY' was, they wouldn't want me," is a common train of thought).
If you are ONLY going after straight men, and don't enjoy the attentions of gay men, then, yes, I would say there is an element of self-loathing ('Gay men are all sissies and not "TRULY" masculine' - which is what one person has posted. Really? Rock Hudson was a sissy? ) that keeps many gay men in 'contemptuous' mode so they don't have to face the fact: they don't like themselves. Despite the protestations, this is one of those 'truisms' that is true. Or, how about this one: "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself" But if you don't love yourself, how can you ever love anyone else. Well, guess what? You cannot.

You say that you are 'out and proud.' But your letter is one of a conflicted soul. Some people claim to want love, yet when the Universe sends them someone who is actually loving (in contrast to someone whose words say they are loving, but whose actions scream otherwise), they run for the hills. The excuses are endless, but in the end loving people seek a partner because they have love to SHARE, not because they're 1), lonely or 2), need to feel complete or 3), they need to BE loved. (The last one is so common, it's heartbreaking. It also is an indicator of someone who is broken inside. And you cannot share love if you don't HAVE Love already.)

Which are you? Only you know. But look back on your history, and the type of guys you have picked in the past and you will see a trail that shows you what your past choices were. THAT is where you are. (The past informs the present in matters of action. What you did the last time - in any particular area of life - is what you will do the next time. At least, until you break the pattern.

I have a friend who only now, at 59, can honestly admit that he picked one lover 20 years ago as a reaction to the previous one. (The first one was unstable; the second one, emotionally shut down. In both cases, he used others' life force for his own comfort. And he sees it now. And believe me, he is a genuinely goodhearted man, but he came from a broken home (parents fought and divorced when he was 7). And the statistics are rampant that children from divorced homes have signifcant trust issues. He's great friends with the emotionally shut down one now, but realizes he would never have been happy with him.

And the biq question that will tell you how comfortable you are with intimacy: do you LIKE your mother? (The mother guides the child thru the stages of emotional development. If she was sick, unavailable emotionally, mean or unlikeable, you may be avoiding genuine intimacy because you don't know what it looks like - or you are afraid of showing who you are inside to others. Many people walk around with a 'mask' to hide their 'inferior function,' as we say in psychology.)
And if you cannot honestly come to an answer, look for a therapist to help you.

Now I come from a loving family But I think you're right I should look for a therapist 'cause this situation is eating me from the inside.

 

[txbonhomme]

I think one reason is the whole forbidden fruits things. Another is probably because society (American) values masculinity in our men through outer physical strength and athleticism, reinforced through the media like in film and television. (Did you know that in some African tribes, men act and dress in ways we'd consider feminine?) Speaking of the media, they've had a profound influence on how we view gays. Growing up at a time the television was the main medium, the images of gays I'd see on TV were stereotypically feminine flamboyant men like Jack from "Will & Grace" and Brian's cousin, Jasper, from "Family Guy." Many see gays as such stereotypes and nothing else. It's the same thing with people classified as black or hispanic/latino. Socities' images of these minorites are warped to the point where many just seem them as stereotypes, and then when they see someone who isn't a stereotype like OJ Simpson or Sofia the First, they think there's something off about them. This is pretty distressing for me, because if a people (whether black, hispanic, or gay) are only allowed to act or think a certain way, that's going to keep them from different opportunities. I think it's possible to have a totally masculine gay man if society gives him that option.

 

[Bi Married Male]

I am also stuck in the same rut as you, however I am still majorly in the closet and married as well. (I have the best of both worlds) I am only attracted to straight cock. I am fortunate enough to have an adult bookstore on the edge of a residential neighborhood and there are lots of married masculine , wedding ring wearing men who want their cock sucked....not to mention if you run a Craigslist ad they will come out of the woodwork. I don't understand it either. I got married in my mid thirties, but also would not let anyone in. If you check out all my threads and posts they mostly are to do with straight cock.

 

[journo25]

It's certainly a way to ensure that you get dick when you want it without the complications. No intimacy. No fuss, no muss. A hook up with a guy who is not in a position to make it any more permanent. You think about having a relationship and the stability it offers but there is something holding you back. That part needs to be explored. Plenty of guys are happy with the one-off hook ups. You seem conflicted by them.