Why am I soooo lucky?

[confusedboy23]

Well, there are many guys out there who fall for straight guys. I have never fallen for one so far, but it seems that I'm always in luck for guys who are "not so available".

OK, I met my first boy last year and it was a messy breakup. He left to go back to his ex. It took many too many months to heal. Granted I had my issues then, I wasn't prepared for it anyhow because I wasn't sure of myself and wasn't out and blah blah blah.

I still am not out now but I guess my question is "Why do I keep falling for guys who are not absolutely available?".

Recently I met 2 guys online. First guy, let's call him XXX. We chatted, and we went out doing things as friends, just shopping movies and stuff. We fooled around too. He has just broken up not too long ago and is living with someone whom I think will eventually become his next boyfriend. I don't think he is really my kind of relationship material but then again, do you see it? He is not exactly available even if I wanted to.

Second guy, now let's call him ZZZ. We chatted and went out eating and stuff together. And yes, we did fool around too. I knew he had just had to end a relationship because his ex moved to another city very very far away. Now you know what, the last time I saw him and we talked and suddenly I realized that guy is moving back here and he said "I think we will end up dating each other again". Arghhh!!!

It seems to me like I am some sort of glue that helps others to get closer to another person. Maybe I am not meant to be gay. I don't know. I brought my first and only ex back to his ex and they are still together and that's a year now. The other 2 guys I am talking about here, well, you can see how I think will end up with up another guy as well.

I am not exactly depressed or anything(over these 2 new guys) but it just feels that I always get to meet these sort of guys but I have to say that I feel sad that suddenly these 2 guys aren't talking to me much anymore recently. I don't know what went wrong or if they really are that busy........ I haven't spoken to my ex too for a long time, and to those of you who have read my previous thread, I still am waiting for his email!

 

[mydrew1]

Pardon me, for I am gripped with jealousy.

 

[dkonfrost]

I still am not out now but I guess my question is "Why do I keep falling for guys who are not absolutely available?".

He has just broken up not too long ago and is living with someone whom I think will eventually become his next boyfriend. I don't think he is really my kind of relationship material but then again, do you see it? He is not exactly available even if I wanted to.

Second guy, now let's call him ZZZ. I knew he had just had to end a relationship because his ex moved to another city very very far away.

It seems to me like I am some sort of glue that helps others to get closer to another person. Maybe I am not meant to be gay. I don't know. I brought my first and only ex back to his ex and they are still together and that's a year now. The other 2 guys I am talking about here, well, you can see how I think will end up with up another guy as well.

I pulled these quotes out in particular cuz they stood out to me, and may shed some humble light on your sitch.

1.) I don't think it's that, as much as just luck of the draw that you run into these guys...HOWever....segue into #2

2.) The 2 guys you had mentioned, you KNEW they were fresh out of relationships, and i think that should've already warned you from several miles away. freshly-damaged goods should always indicate a red flag. I think that's part of the issue you're having. because of their situations, you coming along is like a temporary salve for them until the smoke clears and then they realize they want their exes back. Not fair to you at all, mind you, but at the same time, caution is always a must.

3.) You're not the ex glue, nor is there such a thing as not meant to be gay. situationally, you walked into circumstances that makes it look like that. I think what you can take from these experiences is that if you meet a potential and find out that he's fresh off of a breakup, keep your distance,

Take heart though. Keep trying, and keep meeting guys. The nice, well-adjusted ones are out there somewhere. And also, don't fall for them so easily. It makes dating a lot easier. And from a personal standpoint, these boys also should've known better. I am fresh off a break-up myself, and I would NEVER engage someone in a potential dating situation knowing that i'm still rebounding. You need to do your homework, and at the same time, those guys need to also take some personal responsibility for themselves.

 

[RRRalph]

These guys are coming to you because you are caring and understanding and they need someone to talk to, but you know they are not available and yet, you are upset that they don't want you.

If you know they aren't available, just have fun and don't torture yourself with wishfull thoughts or you keep those guys as friends and seach for guys who are available and more boyfriend material.

Keep those guys as friends only if you can see them as friends.

 

[darkroyal]

You said it Ralphie

 

[jockboy01]

While I am likely not the best to give relationship advice, I'll tell you how I see it.

First off, the comments about caution around recently broken up boys is totally dead on so I won't add to it. Keep your emotional distance.

The second problem I see here is the fooling around too early in the relationship. I know some people disagree on this, but in my experience (and that of those I know), it makes a LTR much less likely. I would relate it to eating dessert first at a meal. If you do that, yeah, it tastes good, but you lose your appetite for the rest of the meal. Also, you scarf it down so fast that you don't enjoy the flavor that much. Versus if you eat your meal first, the dessert is eaten slower, tastes better, and doesn't give you a rush that makes the rest of the meal unappealing.

The same is true with messing around too early. It's hard to build a relationship off of that. It's better to take things slower and get to know a person (heart, mind AND body) before jumping in the sack. Otherwise one or the other likely will not want to invest in a relationship if they've already tasted the end result. I've seen it happen on many many many occasions. Now, the hard part is that being gay, we're all guys. And guys by nature have a VERY strong reproductive urge. So it takes a big time committment to not take the plunge on the first date. And guys want that (or think they do) so then it is even harder b/c he's going to push for it. I'd say try holding your ground for several dates.

And I second the "I'm jealous" comment above.

 

[luminum]

I think it was pretty well stated when someone pointed out that all of these guys you're entangled with have just gotten out of relationships. I would say tht the kind of people who were just in relationships have a higher chance of getting back with their ex's in the near future or are probably still holding out to do just that.

My advise would be to not put so much hope on those types of guys and look for relationships from guys who don't have any recent baggae or breakups.

 

[confusedboy23]

Thanks guys, for all your thoughtful thoughs!

Maybe I should have known better after being "dumped" by my ex more than a year ago but obviously I haven't. I should have known better that the word "recently" could cover a span of nearly a year because that exactly was it - my ex left his ex nearly 4 months before he met me, and was with me for nearly 4 months before they decided to go back toghether and now have been for more than a year!

With these 2 new guys I'm talking about here, I have never intended them to be anything more than friends. I knew from the start that the first guy (XXX) just wasn't the right material. However, I do admit that the more I get to talk to and know the second guy (ZZZ), the more I think that he is so my kind of material! That probably has to do with how he seems to be so alike my ex in many ways (and I mean, outside of bed!).

I guess what I'm really ranting here is "why, why, why am I always in luck meeting guys who are not available?". I could try keeping my horniness at bay, but even with that, these guys I'm talking about here wouldn't have been mine!

By the way, what's with the "I'm jealous" comments? I'm confused!!!

 

[Riverrick]

Confusedboy, some of it is bad luck and some is as Dkonfrost has said. Guys just fresh out of relationships aren't really available. It isn't just that they might get back together with their ex's, but they are still hurting and are missing their bf's and feel empty and just want to feel better. As soon as possible.

Unfortunately you're going to have to screen your dates a little bit or be more realistic about them.

Might I also point out that we tend to seek men who aren't available when we ourselves are afraid of relationships. If you are not out or are afraid of geting hurt or are afraid of commitments, then you are more likely to be attracted to the guys who seem safer, that you could take your time with and have a casual relationship with. I don't know if this is the case with you but it is worth asking the question, am I playing a role in all of this?

Don't give up. Keep trying. It'll all come together if you do.

 

[confusedboy23]

Maybe I do have a part to play here. Maybe I shouldn't fall for guys too easily, and maybe if I were out more, then I'd be able to "catch" them, so to speak. These guys I've met and started as friends. I've not had any expectation from the start at all but I just find it really hurtful when ZZZ for some reason, have decided to ignore me. It's been a week now....and I don't know what's going on. I mean, we went out together last week and did the normal 'friend' stuff and just hung out, ate and shit. We talked about going away for a weekend sometime. And then, all of a sudden, he's ignoring me on AIM now. What the fuck?! Guys...guys...guys....I don't understand. Yeah, that night I did find out about his ex moving back to this city and bla bla bla. If anyone is to shy away, it should have been me. Why is he doing this? Argh!!!

 

[Riverrick]

That's very immature of him. I'd feel the same way you do right now.

I don't know what to say. I think some of it is just chance here. The sample size of your dating experiment is very small so you can't judge the entire dating scene from it.

Keep putting yourself out there. And listen to what Jockboy said about sex on the first date. That may be playing a role here to some extent.

 

[confusedboy23]

I would relate it to eating dessert first at a meal. If you do that, yeah, it tastes good, but you lose your appetite for the rest of the meal. Also, you scarf it down so fast that you don't enjoy the flavor that much. Versus if you eat your meal first, the dessert is eaten slower, tastes better, and doesn't give you a rush that makes the rest of the meal unappealing.

And I second the "I'm jealous" comment above.

I like this!

Well, this could be true.....but sometimes, it's very hard to resist it!

By the way, what's with the "I'm jealous" comment??? I'm confused.....

 

[jockboy01]

sorry.... I'm slow at getting back to you.

First off, the dessert IS very hard to resist, believe me, I totally understand.

As to the jealou comment... basically, we are referring to the fact that you had dates and fell for two guys. Hell, I can't seem to find a guy worth dating, nor the time to do so if I found him. That's why I'm jealous haha.

I don't know why ZZZ is ignoring you. Maybe he's just busy, I know I've been there before. Otherwise, he's just trying not to lead you on by putting distance between you. In which case, it is his way of trying to nicely let things get back to friendship (I've done this too sadly).

 

[confusedboy23]

sorry.... I'm slow at getting back to you.

First off, the dessert IS very hard to resist, believe me, I totally understand.

As to the jealou comment... basically, we are referring to the fact that you had dates and fell for two guys. Hell, I can't seem to find a guy worth dating, nor the time to do so if I found him. That's why I'm jealous haha.

I don't know why ZZZ is ignoring you. Maybe he's just busy, I know I've been there before. Otherwise, he's just trying not to lead you on by putting distance between you. In which case, it is his way of trying to nicely let things get back to friendship (I've done this too sadly).

Thanks for reading and getting back to me!

I really do appreciate that!

Well, he still isn't talking to me on AIM. He's always on, but he's never responded my 'Hellos' - not even a 'Hi'. I'm thinking the same too, he might be trying not to lead me on. Hmmm, I wonder if I've been sending those signals! I doubt he's busy, I know he will never be THAT busy to not even have the time to type a quick 'Hello' in an AIM chatbox!

If only we were still 'friends'........

 

[jockboy01]

Well, if he's trying not to lead you on, then you are still friends. It'll just take a while for him to realize you don't want anything more. And we all know there is no such thing as a quick hello on AIM... at least not in my world.

 

[confusedboy23]

Well, if he's trying not to lead you on, then you are still friends. It'll just take a while for him to realize you don't want anything more. And we all know there is no such thing as a quick hello on AIM... at least not in my world.

You're absolutely spot on. Come to think of it, there really is no quick 'Hello' on AIM. Once you start, you don't stop unless you have to!

As a matter of fact, I've stopped "Hello"-ing him on AIM. For the past week, whenever I go online, I'd say 'Hi' but not since yesterday. Surprisingly, he has not blocked me!

I just have to get my little head to stop thinking too much.....

 

[jockboy01]

I just have to get my little head to stop thinking too much.

Reading my mind here my friend!!