Why are people so self destructive?

[peeonme]

Why are people so self destructive?
The attitude of "no one likes me and I'll prove it" seems to appear frequently on this forum
please, NO NAMES.

Then there are those who are gifted and never get any place in life.
I met with an old "friend" recently, we have known each other for 40 plus years. He is smarter than me, he has perfect pitch and can play a number of instruments.

He now speaks 6 languages fluently and can function in 2 others (one I never had heard of), I find him to be fun to speak with as he is a person that you can throw just about any idea at and he gets it.
He has an MBA and a remarkable memory.

He has never held a good job, he starts a business and calls it a consulting firm, alas, he just never uses his high IQ and never applies himself, it puzzles me, why would one just exist and never use what he has learned?

 

[kallipolis]

Perfecting ones life, takes a life time, with pit falls along the way, that are educational leading one to self improvement.

Success is always just over the horizon encouraging us to keep trying to realise our dreams.

Poor self esteem, or feeling sorry for oneself, is a passing phase that grips most of us from time, to time.

Self destructive behaviour from time, to time features in the life of most people.

Life is about learning from ones experiences how best to live ones life, to realise happiness, and fulfilment in those matters that generate happiness....

 

[G-Lexington]

Is the second necessarily related to the first?

Because I'm somewhat in the second position. I got good grades in school, I was on track to get an advanced degree and probably (if I may use the term) "make something of myself". Until I found out that I didn't enjoy any of the things that that would entail. My classes weren't just getting harder - I was fine with that - but alarmingly less interesting. When I did some mini-internships or "ride-alongs" to see what my eventual jobs would entail, I found them almost depressingly boring. The parts that I would actually enjoy doing and stimulate my senses accounted for maybe 5% of what I would do, with meetings and paperwork and sales pitches accounting for nearly all the rest.

So I sat down and mulled it over. What did I want to do with my life? And I finally decided that what was most important to me was to be happy.

So I ended my schooling, and worked menial jobs while trying to break into my newly chosen field. It took two years before I was offered a position. At $5 an hour. With terrible hours. In a small town in the middle of nowhere.

I took it.

I spent the next eighteen months learning absolutely everything I could about this field. I did everybody's job, from the repairman's to the janitor's. And loved every minute of it.

I'm still making the sort of money that people fresh out of college would reluctantly accept as a starting point. I don't use any of the stuff I learned in college. In short, I'm not "applying myself".

But dear God, am I happy.

Lex

 

[kallipolis]

I'm still making the sort of money that people fresh out of college would reluctantly accept as a starting point. I don't use any of the stuff I learned in college. In short, I'm not "applying myself".

But dear God, am I happy

Wise man....for getting your priorities right.

 

[rareboy]

Wise man....for getting your priorities right.

I also tip my hat to all those who are happy in their work and play.

 

[peeonme]

@Lex, I get that part of it. But the guy I referred to just spent 2 years in a foreign country making under 10 thousand bucks a year.
His wife stays in America.
I understand not wanting to be "rich" (what ever that is), but I always wanted to make a comfortable living, to provide for my family, while being wary of the snares of the bourgeoisie.

But, he is hard for me to understand, he wants his wife to pull up roots and join him in his seeming exile from success.

 

[G-Lexington]

@Lex, I get that part of it. But the guy I referred to just spent 2 years in a foreign country making under 10 thousand bucks a year.

This sort of suggests that you DON'T get it.

I understand not wanting to be "rich" (what ever that is), but I always wanted to make a comfortable living, to provide for my family, while being wary of the snares of the bourgeoisie.

Yeah, precisely. That's what you always wanted. And I'd be the last person to tell you you're wrong for wanting that. The only thing I see against what this guy is doing is trying to drag his wife into it, potentially against her wishes. Because if he's genuinely happy making less than $10,000 a year, I don't think he's doing it wrong. He may be doing it...well, "dangerously", if that's the right word. If he can't get his basic needs met. But otherwise, I'd say he's definitely doing it right.

Lex

 

[peeonme]

This sort of suggests that you DON'T get it.



Yeah, precisely. That's what you always wanted. And I'd be the last person to tell you you're wrong for wanting that. The only thing I see against what this guy is doing is trying to drag his wife into it, potentially against her wishes. Because if he's genuinely happy making less than $10,000 a year, I don't think he's doing it wrong. He may be doing it...well, "dangerously", if that's the right word. If he can't get his basic needs met. But otherwise, I'd say he's definitely doing it right.

Lex

That I suppose is what gets to me, if a person has no obligations and has made no promises or has no commitments then do as you so choose.
However when you have a wife and children to care for then it's time to man up.

 

[LeicsDom]

Why are people so self destructive?
The attitude of "no one likes me and I'll prove it" seems to appear frequently on this forum
please, NO NAMES.

Not just online
Some people seem to have an inbuilt self destruct button and insist on pushing it at every opportunity

 

[LeicsDom]

Because I'm somewhat in the second position. I got good grades in school, I was on track to get an advanced degree and probably (if I may use the term) "make something of myself". Until I found out that I didn't enjoy any of the things that that would entail.

I agree
I long ago realised that slogging my guts out in a job I hated just so I could brag about a healthy bank balance was no way to live
I threw the towel in years ago and worked at something which fulfills me but is always a financial struggle
But I wouldn't have I any other way
I would far rather be happy than rich
Invariably the two do not go together

- - - Updated - - -

That I suppose is what gets to me, if a person has no obligations and has made no promises or has no commitments then do as you so choose.
However when you have a wife and children to care for then it's time to man up.

But you have CHOSEN to have a wife and children. I assume that that is what gives you the quality of life you are happy with

 

[peeonme]

I agree
I long ago realised that slogging my guts out in a job I hated just so I could brag about a healthy bank balance was no way to live
I threw the towel in years ago and worked at something which fulfills me but is always a financial struggle
But I wouldn't have I any other way
I would far rather be happy than rich
Invariably the two do not go together

- - - Updated - - -



But you have CHOSEN to have a wife and children. I assume that that is what gives you the quality of life you are happy with

My friend made the same choice, wife and kids.
Look, the guy is brilliant, he never hides it. It gets him in the door of many places, then he thinks his genius IQ will pay the bills.
I worked with him, I like him, but it drives me crazy when men don't work and take care of their families.

 

[NotHardUp1]

The term "self-destructive" seems to be misused.

A man buys a home, but then "decides" to not maintain the house, "naturalizes" the yard and lets it turn into a jungle, hoards newspapers and disposable food containers, and resolves not to poison the mice and rats that eventually infest the basement. His latter behavior undermines his prior, and the home becomes a bigger and bigger problem, causing him grief with neighbors, city sanitation, and eventually a social pariah. That's self-destructive.

A man buys a home but then realizes its trappings and maintenance are contrary to his value system, so he sells or defaults on the mortgage and walks away to live on the streets, couchsurf, or rent a room. That is a values clarification, but not self-destructive.

A man marries a wife. He has children. He lives out his life in an automatic mode of responding to one demand or need after another. It defines his existence. He doesn't develop an interest, or an individual identity beyond being a Braves fan, and he finds one day following another in a gray netherworld of middle class mediocrity. That may or may not be self-destructive, but it is the value system that determines that call.

In you friend's case, you describe more a lack of productivity. Even when you address his wife and possible children, you don't go into enough detail to say that he's losing his home, his wife is about to divorce him for abandonment or and unfair work load, or something similar. You seem to be saying that he simply never adopted the Protestant work ethic. Unless it is ruing his life, or his family's, it doesn't seem to qualify as "self-destructive." To the contrary, he seems to be self-fulfilled through a pretty deliberate course.

What seems more to be the case is that he has a different risk meter. He is willing to amble along and figure it out on the way. Your phrases seem to indicate that you are more irked at his lack of plan, his cavalier redirects and his refusal to stay inside the lines.

Arguably, many a man who has experienced a "mid-life crisis" has simply grown old enough, usually well past mid-life, btw, and decided to recalculate the math. Sometimes it is about the spouse, sometimes the job, sometimes the house and the "safe" life, and sometimes all of it.

 

[kallipolis]

The term "self-destructive" seems to be misused.

Ones poorly thought out decisions that impose upon us results that compromise our well being, are self destructive.

Self destructive behaviour can also become the catalyst of ones self renewal, when learning from ones poor choices what not to do.

 

[Telstra]

Why are people so self destructive?

I don't know .....

 

[peeonme]

@NotHardUp1,
He has lost at least one home, been fired from several jobs and his wife had told him that she wanted a divorce at one point.
One time when she answered the phone she said "he is in ....... and he can stay there".

When we worked together he asked me to pick him up, I am one of those "never be late" guys, I would beep the horn and he would come to the door in his PJ's and robe and give me the "wait a minute" sign.
At the office where we worked he made no secret of his superior intellect, while at the same time he made a lot of dumb mistakes by not paying attention and following certain rules and it cost the boss a lot of bucks.

A few nights ago we met, he told me how hard the last few years had been. The country where he resides requires a person from another nation to make a certain amount annually to qualify for a work visa, he had to falsify his earnings to stay.

So, when one tells me that their IQ is 150 plus (I have no doubts about that) and I know that they possess great talent in many areas and I see a train wreck and they were the engineer, I count it as self destruction, maybe there is a better term to use.

On our last encounter he told me of a new opportunity, his pay will go up substantially, I hope it works, I hope it happens, but, I have heard it all before.