Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygamous?

[G-Lexington]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

Straight couples have this "ideal" that they're given. It involves finding that one special someone, settling into a monogamous relationship, children, hearth and home.

Gays don't have any one "ideal" to shoot for. Sure, if we'd like, we can go the route of finding one guy, getting into a monogamous relationship, buying a house, maybe adopting children, etc. But that's just one of many options open to us. We can instead choose to settle down and keep the relationship "open", or not settle down at all. I personally don't think I'd do well in an open relationship, but that's me. If two guys want their relationship open, and they're both cool with it, they're not gambling anything. They're building the relationship the way they want to, rather than relying on some blueprint that doesn't suit their needs. If they're cool with it, who am I to bitch?

Lex

 

[Elwood]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

They would only be risking their relationship if they thought the same way you do about this. That is not an attack on your way of thinking I am just pointing out that it is exactly that, your way of thinking.

I would not be into an relationship either, but I guess if it works for some people so be it.

 

[BabiGayPimp]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

I'll admit I'm drawn to sexy, male couples like a heat-seeking missile. I think it may be a "guy" thing. I imagine it might be very awkward for a heterosexual couple to introduce another man (or woman) to the situation. Perhaps less so for a couple of dudes, because we're all guys. We have similar kinds of hormonal impulses going on. The whole idea turns me on. So there.

 

[Shepherd 2]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

All monogamous relationships are more at risk today, because they are no longer valued in the same way. Freedom is valued so highly by some that they can not seriously enter into any relationship.

I am a gay man who is in a closed monogamous relationship now 22 years. Just last year I slipped once, and I was in crisis, not so much with my partner, but with myself. It is the tough times that build and strengthen a relationship. Mine has been tested and still holds, and I hope it always will.

What we seem to value more today is a variety of things. In gay community, my sense is that just having sex with another man is valued most highly. The psychology is very egotistical. I regret that this is happening.

Thanks for the thoughtful and sensitive thread. I look forward to reading the response of others.

Shep+

 

[DiamondSkin]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

I'm just going to say it: monogamy was never a strong point in gay relationships. The gay community just seems to be a bit more hedonistic than the straight community in general, probably because there are no women involved to keep the lot of horny men in check.

A lot of what I hear from gay guys is basically "if it feels good do it". Just have fun, fun, fun all the day long. He's hot so fuck him. You're horny so fuck him. If you disagree with that mentality you're a prude or a Stepford Fag.
Also a lot of gay relationships just seem to be built on pure sex and physical attraction. I see so many gay couples with two guys who look so much alike you can barely tell them apart, and you get the feeling that they chose each other for their equal attractiveness above all else. There just isn't a lot of substance there. So when guys like that get bored or extra horny it's probably no big deal for them to open up their relationship to a 3rd party...who is probably equally as or more attractive than them.

One thing you have to admit to and understand is that men often think with their dicks and not their hearts (or even brains), and when the whole dating pool is full of nothing but a bunch of dick-thinkers you just can't expect much in the way of monogamy.

Oh, my....

Someone has had a few bad experiences with men....

 

[DarkHelios]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

It's creating the wrong and values and beliefs for future generations. One person should be with the person they choose not several.

You're trying to apply your personal moral standards to others. You might think that a relationship involving multiple people is morally wrong, but the people in that relationship presumably don't.

Why do you feel so strongly that no one should be in a polygamous relationship? (assuming that all members of said relationship willingly consent to such an arrangement). I know that you mentioned that it might damage the pre-existing relationship (if there was one) but if it's a risk that they're willing to take, it's their business.

 

[Elwood]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

You have the facts for your beliefs, that doesn't make them mine or any one elses. Again this is how you perceive polygamy, which is fine. What I was getting at in my prior post was a polygamist person would not have the same opinion as you on his polygamist relationship.

 

[SFMusic]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

I don't come one this site much any more, but I see a lot of the same discussions over and over. I don't think gay men are any more polygamous than straight men who have the same oppotunities to "cheat" that gay men have.

Having been in a monogamous gay relationship for about 7 years now, it hasn't been easy, but when both partners are committed to maintaining a monogamous relationship you make it work.

My committment to the relationship was "tested" a couple of years ago by a guy I met at a party, who thought I was the most sexy man alive and pursued me almost to the point of being considered a stalker.

I now understand why some guys cheat. When you are old and meet someone young and vital who makes you feel young and sexy it is VERY tempting. I was lucky in that at this time, my husband and I were not going through any tough times, and were really getting along well, so it was realtively easy for me to reject the advances of the other guy, but if there had been trouble in our relationship...?

I like to think that no matter what, I would have the courage of my convictions to stand up to any temptation, but who knows what they will do under differing circumstances.

Monogamy is the gold standard, and so far my gold is untarnished, but I don't fault anyone who finds that they failed to meet perfection. Bottom line, each gay couple must find their own way and what works best for them and not try to force themselves into a relationship mold that doesn't fit.

 

[Elwood]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

True....but a polygamist relationship is not a person who is in love, that is a person who views a relationship based on sex. That is fine,but than they should not in a union, just date.

Again that would be your view of love, because it certainly is not mine, and I am sure it is not the polygamist. How are you to know if the polygamist is not in love ? He can't be in love in a polygamist relationship? Based on what? Your interpetation or opinion of love.

 

[KyleWells]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

I believe in monogamy as well. I personally feel gay men who are in open relationships are sick in general. Don't mean to offend anyone, but it seems like sex is so devalued in the gay community.

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

>>>One person should be with the person they choose not several. If you don't wish to be a couple don't be considered or "marry", just date. It is wrong any other way....

How do you figure? There's nothing wrong with an open relationship in my book, so long as both partners actually want it and agree to it. If you want to say that such relationships aren't "real", or aren't as "pure" as monogamous relationships, that's your business. But no matter how many times you call the tail a leg don't make it so.

Lex

 

[KyleWells]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

Sex isn't devalued in the gay community. It's often the only thing that holds any value at all. And that's either a positive or a negative, depending on where you stand personally.

From personal experience and what I've seen locally, men are easy. Two men together are twice as easy. It's not hard to find a gay men to have sex with. I view sex in the gay community as devalued because promiscuity is more common in the gay community, especially in relationships.

Call me old fashioned, but I don't think sex should happen outside of a loving relationship. Thats just my opinion though.

 

[EwanSF]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

Think the word you're lookin' for is polyamerous, as opposed to polygamous man, the latter only applies in the case of marriage.

As far as my own views on the subject go, I'm kinda old fashioned maself. Don't get me wrong, when I'm single I'm a total slut, heavy loves it as well, but when it comes to relationships, I love being in a commited one, I really do.

What I've written above, applies purely to maself, or if I'm in a relationship, the other person. As far is it concernes me, it doesn't, basicaly. People can do what the fuck they want.

 

[KyleWells]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

What I've learned from JUB. You're going to be attacked if you have ANY form of conservative view. It's a real turn off to this message board. :/

 

[metta]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

Personally, I have always found polygamy to be a turn off. I don't know why. I just know that when ever it has been presented to me as an option in its various forms, I just did not ever have any interest in doing it.

 

[bluepheonix]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

You know, I hate to be the moral relativist and all, but you sure are using a lot of subjective concepts in an objective fashion, most importantly I believe, "Love" and "Wrong".

Do you really purport that there is one single conception of love that you believe you understand well enough to define for everyone else? I put it to you that love cannot be driven down to any widely distinguishable set of behaviours, common thoughts etc. but that everyone has their own conception which may be profoundly different from the person next to them. Who are you to impose a hegemony of "love"?

As for wrong, the fundamental implication of wrong is an infraction against something. Tell me, if two people are in a relationship in which they deem they are perfectly happy to involve 3rd parties, then where exactly is the infraction in doing just that? By the way you talk, it sounds as though you believe the infraction is against your moral code, which is all well and good, but to be perfectly frank your moral code has no place in someone elses bedroom.

And just something else I want to address quickly, what on earth do you mean by "weakening society". Please note again that what constitutes society is subjective, and I would put it to you, at its most basic level of being the interaction of human beings, i personally find it preposterous to assume society can be "weakened" at all, let alone by non-monogamous sex, which lets face it, has been occurring in vast proportions for thousands of years.

 

[EddyRandall]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

Straight couples have this "ideal" that they're given. It involves finding that one special someone, settling into a monogamous relationship, children, hearth and home.

Gays don't have any one "ideal" to shoot for. Sure, if we'd like, we can go the route of finding one guy, getting into a monogamous relationship, buying a house, maybe adopting children, etc. But that's just one of many options open to us. We can instead choose to settle down and keep the relationship "open", or not settle down at all. I personally don't think I'd do well in an open relationship, but that's me. If two guys want their relationship open, and they're both cool with it, they're not gambling anything. They're building the relationship the way they want to, rather than relying on some blueprint that doesn't suit their needs. If they're cool with it, who am I to bitch?

Lex

You're kidding right? You're being sarcastic?

What makes you think straight people differ from gay people in that aspect?

 

[gdude30]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

I have to say that I completely disagree with you Chance.

Although I am glad that poly is becoming more known. Poly isn't about lustful and not being faithful to your partner. You know how much harder it is to trust to people in a relationship and then to keep that going. Much harder. Because if one person does something then both people are screwed instead of just one person being screwed.

You are responsible for more then one person and not everyone can handle that.

There is nothing wrong with poly relationships. That whole "Oh I'll find my one true love one day, my soul mate, the one I'm meant to be with" is just a bunch of bullshit. You can love more then one person. Also. Each relationship or poly relationship defines their own life in a way that might be different then others.

While yes the sex can be better with the poly. That isn't neccesarily the point of it. I can see how someone would want to have a poly. Either someone who is looking for two people or a couple or a couple or two people looking for another.

I am actually in a poly. Keep in mind the circumstances are a bit more different and it's more of a lifestyle since I'm in the M/s lifestyle.

But I both care alot about my Sir and Slave brother. We all care about each other. They trust that I don't go off and screw around and I trust that they don't. Even so we still play safe. It's kinda hard to explain a poly relationship though.

Becuase alot of people have the mindset

"NO IT CAN'T WORK. IT DOESN'T WORK. IT'S AGAINST MONOGAMY AND IT'S WRONG. YOU CAN ONLY LOVE ONE PERSON AND TO HAVE MORE THEN ONE PERSON IS LUSTFUL AND GREEDY. YOU HAVE TO BE FAITHFUL TO ONE PERSON"

Because of that silly and troublesome idea someone who thinks that way will never understand poly. It's all in the mind. And like I said. Not everyone can handle or can even understand a poly relationship. It's rare for someone who can. And even rarer for the relationship to work.

We talked about this at youth pride a few weeks ago. Everyone else was like "OMG that's wrong people should be mongamous and you can only love one person"

Although me and 3 other people defended poly's and tried to explain to everyone that it all depends on what you believe and why you think poly's can or can't work.

The simple question is. Can you love more then one person. You love your mom in some way, your dog, your brother or sister, you dad, friends, and etc. There are different forms and situations for love. If you can just apply that to two people as potential partners then it works out. But if you can't process that or even think that it's possible then of course to you it will never be possible and your only impression of poly relationship partners will be people who are destroying the sanctity of monogamy and are making the gay community worse or something.

But at least I think there is nothing wrong with a poly relationship. It's more common in the M/s community though.

 

[Gussss]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

^ What is the M/s lifestyle/community?

 

[theFallenGod]

Re: Why are so many gay guys wanting to me polygam

I wasn't going to weigh in but I have to side with the OP ... for one reason...
Quite a few people equate an "open" relationship to being longer lasting and therefore more successful than a monogamous relationship that may only last for a month or 3... When inherently this is false... An "open" relationship is a failed relationship from the moment it's opened...

1) You have failed to have a full commitment to the person you're with. Sure your heart may belong to that person but your body and mind belong to everyone else...How is it a healthy relationship when there is hardly much commitment to the other person.?

2) You have failed to keep the other person interested. If one or the other needs to go outside of the relationship in order to have fulfillment than either you're not very creative or a pretty boring lay.. or in some cases... which I will get into a little later, the sex was instant and therefore not viewed as a truly intimate act therefore it is boring and old.

3) You failed to extricate yourself from the relationship or failed to find a way to remain committed to one another. Instead of looking at the relationship and saying "Hey there seems to be a slight issue here.. lets work on solving this issue." you opt for the easy way out... essentially saying we are going to keep the facade of a relationship all the while maintaining a single lifestyle...the best of all worlds and bragging rights like being able to tell your friends that have been more mature an ended a relationship that didn't quite work being able to rub in their faces that you and your bf are still together....

I have noticed that many (not all and I said I personally so I'm going on personal observation) that many "open" relationships involve couples who have larger differences in age... usually involving one who is much younger and/or inexperienced... also of those in "open" relationships, how many started as a hook-up or a one night stand that kinda stuck around? Which brings me to point #2, the sex was instantaneous not built up as a consummation of a relationship therefore seen as merely "sex" and not an essential part of the relationship. Also getting back to the age difference... like most of us the thought of getting older is terrifying... especially in the gay community... once we hit 30 we're fit to be put out to pasture. It's not always the case but it does seem from a quick glace that our prospects are going to get slimmer. So when we snag ourselves a hot younger guy... the envy of all of our friends... we are going to do anything to hold onto that even if we don't really feel the same way. I am also willing to bet, because I have seen it in my experience, that the older guy is usually the one to initiate the "open" concept.

I think the biggest issue though that I have with people in "open" relationships is the lack of respect... How much do you truly love someone... TRULY... if you are willing to put that person at risk for an STD? Most gay men that I know do NOT practice safer sex when it comes to oral... and there are plenty of STI's transmittable from oral sex.. some curable some not so... (as Marleyisalegend pointed out in a thread a few months ago) And lets face it... if you are having unprotected sex with your partner... How easily would be to not slip a condom while having a side fling?


Just my humble observations... feel free to dissect, insinuate, or assualt in any way you see fit.

Also please note I am not saying whether it's right or wrong.. I'm just calling a spade a spade.