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Why can't I have just one friend?

  • Thread starter Thread starter FlyingGoats
  • Start date Start date
Hello everyone. Thank you for all the replies, I meant to respond earlier but I just haven't had the energy. I understand the need to talk to people, but the question is where? If I worked, I could probably make friends with a coworker, but I don't. If I went to school maybe I could make friends with another student, but I don't. Going to a bar is totally out of the question with my anxiety, being alone in a crowded place like that I will have a panic attack and probably black out. If I had a friend to go with I would be somewhat ok, but obviously, I don't. As for joining a club, I have no idea how I would do that, or what kind of club I could join. I really don't have any hobbies anymore, nor do I have any extra money to do much of anything.

As for talking to people, yeah, I can do that if I'm somewhere that I'm comfortable, but I don't understand how having a short conversation with a stranger can turn into a friendship. For example, I can say something nice, or have a short conversation with somebody at the grocery store, but after that I'll never see them again. It's not like I can say "hey, you're buying the same things as me, wanna go have coffee?"...they'll think I'm nuts.
 
You're too sick to work
It took you a week to work up the energy to respond to a messageboard post.
You feel a trip to the bar would result in a panic attack.

I feel these issues need to be addressed first before you go friend hunting. :)

You don't go into detail on what the deal is here, and that's fine. But whatever it is, I think you need to work with your doctor to get you to a place where walking into a bar won't make you catatonic. Not to a place where it's EASY, mind you - just to place where it's at all possible.

As for talking to people. No, you probably won't make friends everywhere you go. Chatting with the guy next to you at the grocery store won't bond you immediately to him. But think of each one of these "chats" as both practice and an opportunity. None of us are born great at chit-chat, so it would do well to give a try from time to time. And yes, odds are you won't become "BFF" with the guy in the grocery line. But you never know. In high school, some kid I never knew told me in the hallway that my shoes were untied. I made some sort of goofy joke about it, he laughed. We still talk to each other from time to time twenty years later. Yes, most of the people who told me to tie my shoes DON'T become my friend. But this one did, as it turned out.

Lex
 
FlyingGoats, I don't have the answers to your problem, but I can offer one little suggestion. Now, this may seem like new age hoo ha but if you spend all your time saying "I won't" then it will come true. Your post is full of "I can't", "I don't" and "I'll never see them again". If you will things not to happen then they won't happen. Yes, it's hard to make new friends sometimes but that's life. The payoff is worth the effort. And don't feel bad about the things I'm telling you, everyone does this, I've done it. But the trick is just in learning to not to it.

I was driving to work one day feeling depressed that I couldn't go to this one particular concert because I couldn't afford the tickets, so the radio announcer comes on and says that the 20th caller would win tickets to that show. My first thought was "I never win those" and wasn't going to bother, but then I thought "people who say 'I never' never give themselves a chance". So I called that number and won the tickets. I swear this is true.

How do you apply this to your life? If you see someone at the grocery store, don't think "I'll never see them again". Just say hi. You may never see them again but then again, you may see them the next time you're in that store, or another store or a coffee shop or school. And if you see them again they'll think, "that's that nice guy that said hi to me at the grocery store". It's amazing how one thing can lead to another.

Does your town have a gay paper? In LA there are tons of them. And a lot of them have classifieds in the back that announce club meetings. Look around, maybe even do a web search for gay activities in your area. Let us know where you're from and there might be someone in your area here on JUB that could help you out. In our Gay and Lesbian Center they have reading groups for people to discuss books. Gay men chat groups where guys get together just to talk and hang out. Even support groups.

Where are you from, anyway?
 
I don't really have any advice, but I know exactly how you feel. You should check out this forum dealing with social anxiety. I haven't been diagnosed with it, but there's a lot of people on that forum that sound exactly like you and me.
 
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