Why can't I say it!? (i <3 you)

[backseatboy]

I am so mad at myself right now. I'm letting this guy that I'm with right now slip through my fingers. I'm downright terrified to admit that I actually love him, give him a real kiss, and say that I feel safe with him. We are at that point where we enjoy each others company so much that we don't want to part at night. He will text I love you, but it isn't the same thing as looking me in the eye and saying that he wants to be with me.

He squirms at me touching him but says that he was just scared and likes my caress and always hugs me after we have a fight. We can drive in the car for hours and just listen to the radio and talk about our pasts. hell, we even do facials together ...and no, not that kind. we are without a doubt best friends but jumping over that physical and emotion line to a relationship is TERRIFYING.

And, god dammit he is in the closet and absolutely sucks at expressing himself. He uses jealousy tactics to draw negative emotions out of me and then swoops in and comforts me right before I crack and start crying. And then at the point of my mental recovery he wants to get flirty.. when all i want to do is leave. It is mentally exhausting. I ALWAYS find myself attracted to guys that aren't completely out. I guess b'c I'm not flamboyant about my sexuality and like their subdued nature. The one thing that sucks about a subdued natured closeted homosexual is that it is impossible to figure out whats going on in their head because they (he) won't tell you (me). The worst thing that can happen is that he won't speak to me again and that would suck with him being my one gay friend I trust.

The fear of rejection consumes me entirely. Outside of relationships I always succeed at what I do, good grades, good schools, gifted with the arts and make good decisions that better me. The idea of failing doesn't even compute with me or hurting myself when I have the option to stay emotionally guarded... Please don't read this as me being stuck up Im just trying to type my mind.. Why can't I just go for it? Why can't I just be the go get'em kinda person I am when I'm drunk, you know? I am 20 and have only dated three guys, so I can't say im experienced but just feel like something is wrong with me. We both have ex's that aren't completely out of our lives. his a girl, mine a guy. I'm scared because this cannot go on for much longer becuase I'll start to resent him

 

[martin6]

You can't say it because you can't feel it. You can't say you feel safe with him because you don't.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

 

[G-Lexington]

One of my stock phrases is "you're not in love with him - you're in love with an idealized version of him". And that might be the case here. If he could be more comfortable with himself, and with you. If he could express himself. If he could stop playing the passive-aggressive games with you. Then you'd love him. And you could say you love him.

It's up to you if those conditionals are gonna be enough to stand in your way.

But whichever you choose...

>>>The worst thing that can happen is that he won't speak to me again and that would suck with him being my one gay friend I trust.

Make some more gay friends.

Lex

 

[hackingnomberr]

Hmmm, well if you want to get into a relationship with him then do it, but make sure he knows your down to keep it discrete if he's not really out. Like being understanding of his closetedness is probably the only thing truly holding him back. I know what you mean though like I just finally opened myself to some dude recently and kinda got owned haha, I don't even know if it was worth it, but this guy seems to be down for you and you're down for him, you just have to be the one to instigate, because he's out you're not.

Good luck, sorry if what I said didn't make sense.~

 

[luminum]

Relationships take sacrifice, bearing all of oneself, and the resolve to stick with that discomfort in the name of forming a sincere and intimate emotional bond with someone. That being said--big signal: He's closeted.

That means that his sexuality (and all things associated with it, including you) are lower priority than something else that he hides it from. Is that what a relationship is supposed to be? Can a relationship really successfully grow from that? What kind of romantic an emotional bond has a concrete ceiling above it? It may not be much when you're starting dating, but what's the future there?

My guess is not a good one. Move on to the next. Closeted is one thing, but closeted and jealous and complicated? NEXT.

 

[rareboy]

I think he's a waste of your time. Too much baggage.

 

[KaraBulut]

I am so mad at myself right now. I'm letting this guy that I'm with right now slip through my fingers. I'm downright terrified to admit that I actually love him, give him a real kiss, and say that I feel safe with him.

The fear of rejection consumes me entirely. Outside of relationships I always succeed at what I do, good grades, good schools, gifted with the arts and make good decisions that better me. The idea of failing doesn't even compute with me or hurting myself when I have the option to stay emotionally guarded... Please don't read this as me being stuck up Im just trying to type my mind.. Why can't I just go for it?

Why can't I just be the go get'em kinda person I am when I'm drunk, you know? I am 20 and have only dated three guys, so I can't say im experienced but just feel like something is wrong with me.

Why? Because you're 20. You're not supposed to have everything figured out at 20.

There's different messages in your post.

On one hand, this is about you and how you can't just let go and be in the moment except when you're drunk. There's another post going on this forum at the moment about the very same thing- control, anxiety, inability to be spontaneous or take emotional risks...

There's not an answer yet to why you can't let go- at least you haven't revealed it in your post. But one has to wonder if it has something to do with your comfort level with being gay or with that process of "how do I mix being gay in with the rest of my life?". But it's good that you're giving it some thought and looking for an answer at age 20.

The other thing that is going on is that you are trying to date someone who is very much like you- someone that has to be in control, can't be honest about his emotions and someone who wants the other person to take the all the emotional risks.

Maybe you need to take a break from dating and do some work on yourself for a while?

I could give you a long-winded piece of advise about your relationship but...

I think he's a waste of your time. Too much baggage.

.. this sums it up very nicely.

 

[backseatboy]

*sigh* my desire to figure out problems that I'm faced with does consume me. Though I am 20 and don't have it all figured out, I don't want to accept it. But I know it's truth.

I think I'm comfortable being gay but maybe deep down I'm not just yet comfortable enough to fully engage in taking emotion risks in finding someone else to be with. It possibly could just be too soon. But refuse to think he is a waste of time because that would just make me just as wasteful and baggage ridden as him.

I am trying to date someone very much like myself because I can best understand myself and thus the other person. It is messed up at the same time because it is so awkward with neither of us wanting to be verbally honest with our emotions.

All I want right now is security. Someone that I can depend on to be there for me and comfort me in my life. No one understands me like he does even my better friend from high school doesn't really get me anymore. Keeping him as a good friend who love each other would provide all of that but I'm attracted to him physically and don't want sex, but closeness. I want him to know that.

Maybe the next step is helping my mother, father, sister, and friends understand me life. Then maybe I can work on the dating scene more effectively. I dunno. My life is difficult enough without worrying about feeling bad about being single. I just didn't think it would be this hard to resolve.

I'll see where next week takes me. Thanks guys, I needed that direction.

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>All I want right now is security.

Then this guy is the worst fit possible.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

>>>All I want right now is security.

Then this guy is the worst fit possible.

Amen.

......