Why did I even bother believing sex was supposed to mean something!

[lovelost]

This does partly follow on from:

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=156936

but is different somewhat. (Thanks to all who replied to the last thread.)

I know everyone has told me that the past is in the past and has no relevance on my current relationship. But this is opened up a new can of worms for me.

Why did I wait? Why did I honestly think that someone out there would wait for me? Brief history.

First time anal tore some of my butt and was on creams etc for a while.
My first kiss was in a bathroom stall.
All the guys I've been with bar about 2, I thought something would happen or develop but they never did. (No I haven't been with that many at all.)
Another one of them, told me he had made a mistake.
Another said he thought I was good-looking but now, no.
The final two guys, before my current boyfriend, got me so drunk, that I could barely stand nevermind say no as they carried me to bed and fucked me.

Yet so many guys have sex with hundreds of guys and no-one cares, no-one has any bad experiences and have made good friends sometimes. Here I am, trying to wait, trying to make sure that it means something but I've just been so hurt and used in the past.

Maybe I should go out and do drugs, random sex with every guy I meet and all the rest of society's beliefs and likes. After all, maybe then I'll be a better person with understanding, morals and an ethical confident mind.

My value system seems so wrong. The general population and society at large have different values and opinions to me and those seem to be similar therefore, mine must be wrong.

And anyway, what or where is the use of trying to fight it since all it does it make it harder for oneself, trying to fight something that everyone believes in. All it does is alienate one from everyone else. Life is harder then and why bother making it so?

For eventually, if I go around and join in everyone else with drugs, sex and all the rest of society's likes and beliefs, no matter how difficult it may be at first. Eventually I will join in, be accepted and almost respected and understood since I am finally part of society with similar beliefs.

I'm tired of being judged, not understanding, not being understood, trying so hard to wait, to be a "good" person, to follow my heart, to trust my instincts and emotions and yet all that's happened is...*trails off* It's fucking difficult.

And on a sidenote - I told my boyfriend that we need space for a while. He's having doubts about us but wants to stay together and work through it even if he and I have spoken and he loves me less than he used to and I feel more for him than he does for me. I love him so much and want to stay with him but... I don't know if the fact that he loves me is enough for us to stay together knowing his doubts and feelings have changed etc.

 

[benlemieux2003]

Hey man,

Wow I feel the exact same way you do. Just yesterday I was having this exact conversation with a former date/friend of mine who goes out drugs, random sex as you described. I was doubting my own "uptightness" as my friend said.

I've got very strong beliefs and values that tell me you shouldn't put out just because the rest of the world does. I've seen how the rest of the world behaves, random, no thinking about consequences... and it gives people a random life over which they have little or no control over, since it is 100% determined by their surroundings and not themselves.

People around me, family, friends and former lovers respect me because I don't do stuff because other people do. As such I'm an individual, and a proud one. I'm one of the best in my country in my field of work because I made a stand for myself, because I didn't give in to societal pressures. Had I given in, I feel I would have betrayed all I've worked for.

Now don't get me wrong, it's tempting sometimes to just give up because the pressure is close to unbearable. That is very normal. I've had many opportunities to get into the gay world with bad people who always keep repeating the same mistakes, can't distance themselves from their actions and can't learn from the past. I got burned a few times but that was enough for me to want to build my own character rather than mold myself on to the gay scene where everyone knows everyone, and that you've indirectly slept with 70% of the gay population of your city.

I am still single today but I've made great gay friends who are individuals, true friends, rather then people who try to fuck you, in both senses of the expression.

For some people, dissolving into the mass works. It's cheap, it's easy and you can unplug your brain. For me it doesn't. And I'm sure it wouldn't do it for you either. Cause once you've reached that level of self-awareness you can't go back. I tried to "fit in" when I was younger and I realized how much of an act all of that was. Didn't last more than a month, and made me sick to my stomach.

Some people call me pessimistic and negative. It's really not so. I've just learned to observed, be pragmatic whereas other didn't. I'm happier on my own than I've ever been. I know when the time is right that love will probably happen and that I'll meet someone who shares the same views on life, but I'm not making that a priority.

The world is so vast, so beautiful you can do whatever you want with it. Every single second is a chance for you to define yourself as an individual, and redefine the world. There are millions of opportunities out there other than the collective, forced delusion of love relationships.

That being said, you may not be understood, but I am sure you are respected. Forget about dissolving. You're at a point where you can't. And I think you should have an honest talk with your boyfriend on how you feel about life. Maybe that'll help.

Anyway, I hope I could help you a bit. Stay strong!

 

[Rand]

...snipped... And anyway, what or where is the use of trying to fight it since all it does it make it harder for oneself, trying to fight something that everyone believes in. All it does is alienate one from everyone else. Life is harder then and why bother making it so?

...snipped...

I'm tired of being judged, not understanding, not being understood, trying so hard to wait, to be a "good" person, to follow my heart, to trust my instincts and emotions and yet all that's happened is...*trails off* It's fucking difficult.

Do you define yourself or do you allow others to define you. That is the core question. You have been fighting to define yourself - I hope you continue. You have been defining what values are important to you and what values have a basis for your life. I think that is your right...maybe your responsibility.

The only judge that matters, is you. Will you have lived your life to your standards, your hopes, your expectations, your desires. Rather existentialistic, but it works for me. I regret that you are having problems.

Trying to satisfy both yourself and others is difficult.

 

[sentirpromesas]

this used to be me. in my life i have only had sex with 4 guys...2 have been bfs, and two have been pieces of shit that took advantage of the fact that i was depressed after my first break up. i know its frustrating but people like us wont find our match at a club. we just wont. i tried and tried thinkin that there are so many men at the clubs one HAD to be for me. but no, none of those boys were for me. it was only after i exited the club and bar scene that i found my bf. it sounds corny but i met my current bf at a book store. i was there for a gay book group, and during a break i went off to look at the latino studies books. i accidently dropped some while i reached to pick one out from up high, and someone bent over to pick them up. he handed them to me and smiled. i noticed he had a san antonio pin on his bookbag and i commented how i have family there. we talked for what seemed forever, and then (of course) he told me to add him on myspace (hahah)...which i did, and i noticed it said he was bi...things hit it off from there and well now i have been with him for 1 1/2 yrs...and i think ill marry him...

so my advice to u is to dont give up ur values..give up what is making u question them...the club and bar scene is fun...u CAN meet ur match there...but usually what u find are desperately horny men looking for the same...ur match is probably outside the smokey haze of a club or bar...u have to dare to go outside that...trust me, u wont regret it

 

[G-Lexington]

My question to you wouldn't be "why did you wait?" It would be "why did you compromise?" Because you appear to have.

You say you have values. You want it "to mean something". But your first kiss was in a bathroom? What happened? You give up? You get tired of waiting?

And you claim that two guys got you drunk and took advantage of you. They might have bought the liquor, they might have egged you on, but YOU got drunk. They might have taken advantage of you when you were drunk, but you were the one that kept drinking. Don't put yourself in that situation again.

Will going out and getting laid every night help? Not at all. Maybe you'll eventually get numb enough to enjoy the sex on a basic level, but that still won't put you where you want to be.

Where are you looking for guys? Are those the places you're most likely to find guys with a similar mindset as yours?

Lex

 

[rareboy]

Same old advice.

Grow up and behave like an adult instead of a teenager. Chances are you'll find the right person and sex will mean something.

Otherwise you could go with being a drugged out party whore but you'll look like shit by the time you're 29 and no one will want to spend time with you except to get high....and then nothing will mean anything.

 

[timnmostud]

There is a lot of good advice in here. So, things haven't worked like you wanted so far. THEN CHANGE THEM! Probably most guys on here have at least some horror stories. Sex isn't always great. The important thing is to take control and stay in control of YOUR actions. You seem to have a victim mentality about all of this. Maybe you were, in a way. You can continue to play that role or choose not to. If you choose not to, things may go more your way. If that's something you think you can't do on your own, get some counseling. Nothing wrong with doing that. Really, I wish you all the best. I think you know the answers to all of this. Let us know how it's going.

 

[loppyears]

Society is screwed up. You shouldn't throw away your beliefs just because "society" disagrees. It's like the latest craze, you don't have to like it because everyone else does. So you had bad experiences, everybody has them. It's just what you have to go through until you get to the good stuff.

I haven't exactly met someone who wants what I want yet, but what's the point giving up what you want? Becoming a drugged-up, drunk whore will get you nowhere.

 

[lovelost]

Thanks for the responses! I really appreciate the support. This weekend has not been easy. All of this and more has been floating (kicking and screaming rather) around my mind.

Some general responses to some of the above:

In regards to the club and bar scene, I hardly go out that much anymore. Well, not for the last 8 months. My boyfriend isn't one for going out and I've always been one to cancel my plans to be able to see him.

Yes, I suppose in many senses, I have had a victim mentality. I suffered from depression and low self-esteem for a while (years ago) so it's taken me a while to get where I am as it is. But I'm reaching a point where I want to move forward and take a stand for myself.

I still ask myself a lot of questions about how I got into the situations I did and how things could've have been different. I seem to have this inability to move on. Be it trying to fit in. Be it complete and utter naivity. I wish I could place an explanation. I do know that I would change a lot of things.

I'm not sure where to start. This weekend has been tough. Especially since my boyfriend and I have decided to give each other some space this week to figure things out. He's having doubts and says that he loves me less that a few months back and I feel more for him than he does for me. Then to confuse matters when I said I needed space, he said that he's never been this close to anyone before, if that was any consolation! I know he loves me. But... I just don't know if that's enough. I want someone who loves me completely, who shows it. I don't think that it's that much to ask...

So I'm left with trying to figure out my life, my past, my history, my issues, my baggage, my relationship... I feel as if everything is pressing down so hard onto me right now...

I'm just not sure where I stand in the great scheme of things anymore. I'm in the middle. but seemingly nowhere all at the same time...

 

[VICTORIADON]

So I'm left with trying to figure out my life, my past, my history, my issues, my baggage, my relationship... I feel as if everything is pressing down so hard onto me right now...

I'm just not sure where I stand in the great scheme of things anymore. I'm in the middle. but seemingly nowhere all at the same time...

Until you figure out the above and are happy with yourself, you will have a difficult time having someone being happy around you.
Learn to love yourself, then things will fall in place.

 

[j0rdan]

Welcome to the 21st Century! - Where morals, ethics and beliefs in anything good have collapsed all for the short term materialistic goals of the moderm corporations and their societies

I feel for you lovelost, but that's the thing that makes people like us who still have some morals, beliefs, or any small amount of decency left - different from the rest of them; and is in essence - what makes us more than what they are (depth-wise).

yet...one doesn't have to look to far to figure - why they're so many 'single' gay guys around..

All the best, and most of all - keep your chin up

- Jordan

This does partly follow on from:

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=156936

but is different somewhat. (Thanks to all who replied to the last thread.)

I know everyone has told me that the past is in the past and has no relevance on my current relationship. But this is opened up a new can of worms for me.

Why did I wait? Why did I honestly think that someone out there would wait for me? Brief history.

First time anal tore some of my butt and was on creams etc for a while.
My first kiss was in a bathroom stall.
All the guys I've been with bar about 2, I thought something would happen or develop but they never did. (No I haven't been with that many at all.)
Another one of them, told me he had made a mistake.
Another said he thought I was good-looking but now, no.
The final two guys, before my current boyfriend, got me so drunk, that I could barely stand nevermind say no as they carried me to bed and fucked me.

Yet so many guys have sex with hundreds of guys and no-one cares, no-one has any bad experiences and have made good friends sometimes. Here I am, trying to wait, trying to make sure that it means something but I've just been so hurt and used in the past.

Maybe I should go out and do drugs, random sex with every guy I meet and all the rest of society's beliefs and likes. After all, maybe then I'll be a better person with understanding, morals and an ethical confident mind.

My value system seems so wrong. The general population and society at large have different values and opinions to me and those seem to be similar therefore, mine must be wrong.

And anyway, what or where is the use of trying to fight it since all it does it make it harder for oneself, trying to fight something that everyone believes in. All it does is alienate one from everyone else. Life is harder then and why bother making it so?

For eventually, if I go around and join in everyone else with drugs, sex and all the rest of society's likes and beliefs, no matter how difficult it may be at first. Eventually I will join in, be accepted and almost respected and understood since I am finally part of society with similar beliefs.

I'm tired of being judged, not understanding, not being understood, trying so hard to wait, to be a "good" person, to follow my heart, to trust my instincts and emotions and yet all that's happened is...*trails off* It's fucking difficult.

And on a sidenote - I told my boyfriend that we need space for a while. He's having doubts about us but wants to stay together and work through it even if he and I have spoken and he loves me less than he used to and I feel more for him than he does for me. I love him so much and want to stay with him but... I don't know if the fact that he loves me is enough for us to stay together knowing his doubts and feelings have changed etc.

 

[3nipples]

You say you want one thing, but that's not how you're acting, so no big surprise that it isn't working out for you. You need to get in tune with yourself.