Why Do Gay Men Do This?

[raskdog]

About four times in my life I've had sex with a man just for him to cut off any contact straight after. Not answer calls, lie about why he can't meet up etc. The thing is with each of these men is that they all pursued me. One guy tried to get me into bed for weeks only for him to cut off contact straight after we had sex the first time.

Anyway, the point of this post is that I'm aware that it's made me very paranoid in my current relationship. I'm currently seeing a guy that I really like. Again he was the one that instigated the whole thing. But when I haven't heard from him for a while, or when I call him and he says that he's too busy to talk I get anxious, thinking that he's about to cut me off like the others have.

Why can't they be straight up and say something like, "I enjoyed the other night but I don't want to take this any further"? I would much rather them do this then just leave me hanging and not knowing why.

 

[Seasoned]

Some guys are into the pursuit and nothing more. It's fear that prevents these guys being honest after the fact. They expect their lack of interested to convey the message. Some men are creeps.

 

[jensu846]

some dont like repeats. no matter what.

 

[hellproof]

maybe the guys aren't out... i know when i hooked up with guys before i was out, that is what i did.

 

[raskdog]

some dont like repeats. no matter what.

I can understand guys being into one night stands. I've had plenty myself. It's the misleading into thinking that they're interested in something more that gets to me.

 

[Seasoned]

People sometimes lie cheat and steal to get what they want. Others might be sincere until new meat comes along. Don't give up, but don't fall too hard too fast.

 

[maxpowr9]

Think with your big head and not your little head and many of these problems will go away.

 

[mc7777]

These men are otherwise in pursuit of the just getting off and don't want relationship for whatever personal reasons. It can be summed up by they simply don't understand or can't possess the personal values of having an actual relationship. Lets face it, relationships take work. Work to find a guy, work to building the relationship, work to maintain it. As a person I guess you can only hope they see the light someday.

My current strategy is I watch their dialogue and see things with intense realism. I force myself not to get caught up in the date and stick to understanding his intentions and personal values. Concern yourself with his intentions. Ask him questions and look beyond any superficial answers. If they start with the flatter answers I know where it is headed (I have a BMW and an a Executive, blah-blah.) If they say, "I am looking to settle down and find someone to come home to," then its otherwise clear they have thought about what they want.

As the one poster said, "don't fall too hard, too fast." I guess the best way to do this, is to ask yourself what are you really about, what do you want in a relationship, etc. By asking these questions of yourself you can clearly define what it is you want and are looking for. You can then have a better idea on the date(s). Don't give up. There are a lot of great guys out there even to my surprise.

 

[hotb0d]

Unfortunately I think that is the mentality of most gay men. For most gay men, the act of just looking away and pretending nothing happened is very common. They learned to do that to keep themselves in the closet. I feel that for guys who came out of the closet, this mentality follow them. So they think that they can just cut all contact and just pretend.

Humans in general don't like conflict, so I think it's just easier on their part to do what they do. So for the guy you're seeing at the moment, just give him a text or call and just straighten it out. If he wants to hit it and quit it...so be it. It's just the way of life I guess.

 

[TX-Beau]

I don't mean to be cruel here, but is what you are hearing what they are saying. Just about every time I've heard a guy make that complaint consistently, there was two sides to the issue.

 

[bw92116]

As mentioned above, straight men can do the same thing to women. For some men, it's all about the conquest. After they make the conquest then they lose interest immediately. I don't know why men are like this; somehow they must be wired for it. But some men live that way. If you want to weed them out, force them to converse with you for a few weeks before agreeing to meet in person. That way, you can get to know them, at least a little bit, and evaluate them and their intentions before you agree to meet. If they seem overanxious to get into bed with you, and keep the talk on the sex level, then in all likelihood that's all they really want. But if they are willing to talk about other things besides sex, then they may well be interested in a relationship. I think anyone who is truly interested in a relationship is not going to push the sex at all.