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Why do people lie while dating?

R

redips

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This might be a bit of a meta question, but looking back at my dating and relationship experience, I can't figure out why people would lie about themselves... and I don't mean petty white lies, but significant lies about one's background, family, education, etc.

To give a few examples:

One guy told me he owned his place. He even went to great lengths telling me about equity in his house, and financing, and all that. That was on the first date. I wasn't even asking, and he just kept talking about it. Then later, of course, it turns out he'd been renting the whole time. I couldn't care less whether someone owns or rents his place, so why lie about it?

Another guy told me he SPEAKS 8 languages. Again, he goes to great lengths telling me how he used to translate for the white house, yadda yadda yadda, so it wasn't just a casual exaggeration. Of course, it turns out he might know a few words in Spanish and French (and he's a native English speaker), but all the other languages? Nil. Who would lie about something like that?

And this other guy told me that he has a POST-GRADUATE degree. Well, it turns out he finished high school, and maybe spent a few months taking some classes at a university. Huh?

And then, one guy made up this whole story about how his family owns this huge technology company, and how his parents live in this mansion back home. Well, it turns out they live in a mobile home. I mean, why does he thinks that this matters, and why make up shit about it?

Why do people do this shit? Do they not think that our date was going to go anywhere, so might as well make shit up for fun? (But a lot of them did go somewhere, and so I later got a chance to find out about all these lies.) Do they not think that if it were to go somewhere, that people would eventually find out? I just don't understand :confused:

And the thing is, I really don't care about whether someone owns his house, or how much money he makes, or what car he drives, or how many languages he speaks. I don't even really care if he's gone to college--yeah, I'd like a boyfriend who's well-spoken and smart--but I've been in serious relationships with guys who started working right after high school, and they are smart and well-spoken, and I fell for them nonetheless.

But I hate the lying and the deception! So when I find out, sometimes I feel like a jackass for breaking up with them, because it *seems* like I'm ditching them because they don't own their house, or whatever, when in fact what I couldn't stand was the lying.

And, this has happened pretty often--is it just my luck? Or has other people experienced the same? And why do people do this shit?
 
my first relationship which unfortunatly lasted twenty years started with him telling lies and ended with lies and I found out he told lies the whole time about everything. He is a pathological liar and if you ever meet one run as fast as you can.
Long story short It ended when the FBI raided our home and took the computer. Lucky for me I didn;t even know how to use it. He had used my credit card for child porn sites and they did get him to say I knew nothing about it.
I left his sorry ass and took everything and I mean everything. Let him keep the house and he promptly had a 18 year old move in.For christ sake he was 45 at the time.They lost the house within a year and the kid left him.He had the nerve to beg me to take him back.You know I almost did#-o Some people can lie and actually believe the lies. He was one of them.
5 years later he got caught having sex with a mentally impaired 16 year old. 3 counts criminal sexual conduct and still waiting to go to trial. Even though I hadn't seen or spoken to him if they ask me to testify I would in a minute. So again if you catch him in a lie right out of the gate leave his sorry pathetic ass behind..no matter how good a lay they might be you will pay in the long run.:cry:
 
Some of those are hilarious. You have to laugh and just be prepared to take anything that anybody says on a date, with a grain of salt. I've had one cheat claim he was single, fly me to another state, and try (did not succeed) to seduce me. Turns out his partner of 18 years was just out of town, visiting family. lol Had another one claim his family was related to the Royals but, lived in some hick town in the midwest. Out on a dinner date with yet another...I asked, are you single...he replied, "yes, for the night." lol I've had others swear up and down they were single, only to find out later that they were in an "it's complicated" fuckup-relationship. Oh well, just need to be careful out there.
 
One common pattern about the lies is people wanting to inflate their social status and education to appear more desirable. To a degree I can understand why some people resort to lie like this. Our material culture is all about judging how successful we are; how much money, property and cars we own. I don't lie about my background, but I did experience on more than one occasion snobby attitudes from guys mocking my college choice or lack of owning a place in some pricy part of the city and so forth.
 
RaKroma said:
One common pattern about the lies is people wanting to inflate their social status and education to appear more desirable. To a degree I can understand why some people resort to lie like this.
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I think so too, and I still want to think that some of these lying guys are good people; I can understand being self-conscious and afraid of rejection, and so I've actually "forgiven" some of these guys for their lies. And i must say, one of those guys who lied was actually quite a solid person, very sweet, and later was pretty honest.

I just don't understand how they could think that they could hide it in the long run. Do they think i would forget? Or do they just think they'd take it one day at a time?
 
cus they are cowards and can't face the truth, they try to make them selfs look better while meeting new people sometimes not knowing that they will become better friends and don't remember the lies they tell and they come out soon enough after, then they look even more stupider...they try to keep up with the Jones when they know they can't.
 
rjmrjm21 said:
Some of those are hilarious. You have to laugh and just be prepared to take anything that anybody says on a date, with a grain of salt. I've had one cheat claim he was single, fly me to another state, and try (did not succeed) to seduce me. Turns out his partner of 18 years was just out of town, visiting family. lol Had another one claim his family was related to the Royals but, lived in some hick town in the midwest. Out on a dinner date with yet another...I asked, are you single...he replied, "yes, for the night." lol I've had others swear up and down they were single, only to find out later that they were in an "it's complicated" fuckup-relationship. Oh well, just need to be careful out there.
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Wow... geez...

I think what's making me more sad these days is the disappointment in people in general. Knowing about people's lies and deception is making me despair about guys and relationships, more than ever :cry:

And I really don't want to become jaded or cynical. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I like to think that people are generally good.
 
And then there was the chef from Belgium complete with accent. Turns out he was from Belgium, WI.

People that tell these types of lies suffer from low self esteem or inferiority complexes.
 
Ya my first boyfriend would tell me incredible lies to make himself to look better. He told me he had atleast 4 boyfriends before which I knew he was lying the second he said it but I let him continue... then he told me one was a model that lived in paris and when we were arguing he told me he wanted him back etc. but he started to not even remember all the lies he told me before so I just told him look I know your lying and you don't have to so just stop and never lie to me about anything again.. which he agreed to. Guess what, he was/is incapable of doing that. I do not believe he did it to hurt me but that he actually felt like he had to.

I share your pain. :p
 
there are some beautiful single people but there are also some people who are single and available to date you precisely because they're so fucked up.

The only hope is that the fucked up person finds another fucked up person and they disappear from the scene into the world of dysfunctional fucked up couples.
 
FirePhoenix said:
... he started to not even remember all the lies he told me before so I just told him look I know your lying and you don't have to so just stop and never lie to me about anything again..
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Exactly! These liars lie so much that they can't keep their own lies straight! Once, I told my bf that if you were going to lie, at least write them all down so you can keep them straight!... And my problem is, I remember all kinds of petty little shit! I remember too much for my own good, and then if something doesn't line up, I keep thinking if anything they ever said was ever true...

bankside said:
The only hope is that the fucked up person finds another fucked up person and they disappear from the scene into the world of dysfunctional fucked up couples.
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LOL. Well said, bankside. That made me giggle. Thank you :D
 
My feet are firmly planted on the ground and I don't live in la-la land. We all tell lies now and again but to that extent? Wow, that is some crazy shit.
I think the worst lie a guy ever told me on a date was that he went to my alma mater. My college was only about 4000 people and my program/degree averages about 100 students a year so it is a fairly tight-knit school. He said he got the same degree from there also and I started to inquire about what electives he took thinking I found some common ground for conversation (he was a few years older than me). Guy couldn't name a single class or professor he took and I just walked out on the date.
Even listening to my dad go on about all the BS lies he tells when he drinks is enough to keep me honest about the important things, except maybe family history because it is pretty sordid (reread sentence for reason why). I luckily have a decent BS detector so I tend to sift through all the lies pretty easily. I try not to confront people when they lie but I just make a mental note of it. Oh so many bad excuses people make for not wanting to do things.

I'd rather present myself as a "take-it or leave-it" (damn my INTJ) than try and lie and make myself better than I appear.
 
I received an interest therapy session about lying guys before. Long story short, I started seeing a counselor a few years ago, and one of my issues was guys lying, and I was having a hard time trusting guys on dates because of it, and as a result, I always had a wall up, blah blah blah.

My counselor had a unique perspective. He said the problem with guys who lie isn't that they're born liars, it's that they probably had families that weren't very accepting of their truth, and they had known long before coming out to them that their families wouldn't. Consequently, they always had it in their nature to, not necessarily lie, but rather, to not tell the absolute truth... because telling the truth was the worst possible thing they could do. At the end of the day, it all boils down to a self-confidence, self-esteem and a self-worth issue.
 
redips said:
Re: Why do people lie while dating?
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For the same reason guys usually lie: they think it will get them laid.


redips said:
And, this has happened pretty often--is it just my luck? Or has other people experienced the same? And why do people do this shit?
Click to expand...

There's two ways to tell if an apple is rotten- you can pick it up/look at it or you can bite into it.

Be glad you're sharp enough to figure out the lies before you get into relationships with these guys.

But at some point, if most of the apples are turning out to be rotten, you have to take a look at where you're shopping...
 
Maxpowr9 I'm amazed too about how many guys can lie... In fact, I don't have much experience in dating at all (only 2 dates(sigh)) but if this is quite frequent then well, it is not a good thing to hear...
 
At least the point I have made quite a few times to various people over the past fortnight is that we all have our flaws: how we embrace them is how you determine their character. With that said, we all have emotional baggage too (I've even pointed to one of mine already in this topic) and if someone ever says that they have no "baggage", RUN! You found yourself someone who would rather repress their "ill" thoughts instead of deal with them.
 
redips said:
And, this has happened pretty often--is it just my luck? Or has other people experienced the same? And why do people do this shit?
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It happens often enough, but sex comes pretty cheap to me, and by the time we're in relationship territory I've usually sniffed out the important ones.

My ex-husband has told me one or two things that weren't true, but they were things that he was ashamed of, so it wasn't much of a problem.
 
I don’t know why they lie. My ex embezzled from the bank he had worked for, 10,000 per month for three years. I had no idea. I thought it was old money. I earned my own living. I got to see him off to prison. He had started this practice before we were dating. At what point do you tell the person you are with that you are a criminal. Lying just causes more lying and eats away at you. I was raised with the family philosophy there is no reason to lie. I live by that.
 
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