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Why does he suddenly ignore me?

A

aab91030

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First such post, so please bear with me.

I met a guy whom we'll call "R" about 8 months ago. I pursued him a bit and asked him out without actually inquiring if he was single, though I thought the context of my overtures was clear and that he'd say no if he were unavailable. We ended up having dinner, 20 minutes into which R casually mentioned his other half. This annoyed the hell out of me, but the evening ended up lasting over four hours with spectacular conversation and plenty of time spent in the other's personal space. It sure felt like a date, especially with the flurry of E-mails exchanged the following day and his subsequent invitations for me to substitute for him at one of his part-time jobs. A little over a month later, he invited me to his birthday party where I met his partner, and I even met his mother on a separate occasion.

Please understand, I wasn't going to do anything dishonorable, since he was taken. But we were clearly both fond of each other, and I didn't see any reason not to cultivate a friendship, what with him being so friendly, and perhaps leave the door open to something in future.

Due to our travelling for professional reasons in the spring, I haven't seen R since February, though we've been in touch as I've continued to substitute for him at this job. This all ended in early May, though, when R and I finally made dinner plans again, but he texted on the day to cancel because, so he said, he had split up with his partner that very morning. He asked me to keep it under wraps and promised to be in touch very soon. I've tried to be a supportive friend and E-mailed or called a few times to ask how he's doing, wish him well, etc., but he hasn't responded to any of my communications, and it definitely feels like he's actively avoiding me or has cut me off.

I wish I could just flip a switch and get over R, but I can't. What's going on here? It's terribly rude of him, but I'm trying to be patient and understanding of what he may be going through right now. But why avoid me? Does he just need space, or is he ending the friendship, for some unknown reason?

Thanks, guys.
 
Well, he might just need space. What if he has feelings for you and he feels guilty about going out (even if it's just friend-to-friend) straight after breaking up? Just a thought..

I would give him atleast a week or two and see how things go. He could also be just avoiding the subject. When I get upset over something, I ignore it aswell as anyone who wants to talk about it to me and just carry on with my studying :P
 
If you don't hear from him in another week, you might try emailing him with a supportive message and ask him to write back, text or call when he's up to it. Then, do you best to forget about him. The ball will be in his court.
 
Well, I've given him more than a week or two at this point; I haven't heard from him since early May, and as far as I'm concerned, the ball is already very much in his court.

sniper90, I get what you're saying about his needing space and time after a break-up, and I'm sure there is (or at least was) a mutual attraction here. Most of my messages (i.e. E-mails, voicemails) have just asked how he's doing without asking to see him. I guess I just have to wait at this point, but I hope he isn't actually ending the friendship...
 
People deal with breakups in their own way. For some guys, they'd talk to you about it and seek for your support. However, you don't really know what it takes for him to get over someone. Some people take a long time to get over, while others can do it easier than most. Understand though that his main focus at this point, depending on how long and how committed they were to each other, he is focusing on himself---as he should. You never know how badly hurt he may be about the breakup.

Now, why avoid you? Well for one, i don't think he'd really jump at talking with you [in all respect i don't know the dynamics between you two] being that he should not have really talkd to you in that way, to begin with. On one side he's just taking the time, and you need to set your sights elsewhere for now, because becoming too involved with this guy, will not get you anywhere. On another note, he's taking the time, and he may not talk to you, perhaps because he may be trying to start over new? He may be expecting you to understand, and saying he'll be in contact soon is to be taken loosely.

Take note that i have no idea how it is between you two. Though whatever you feel, you need to continue doing what you do, because think about it. What if he doesnt talk to you ever again, and all you do is wait? You'd be wasting your time, time that could possibly result in you finding a different guy. This is just what i think. It's merely a suggestion. But do not forget to trust your intuition.
 
I'd say:

Get over him and move on.
 
Thanks for your thoughts, vanvan. Not sure what you mean when you say he "should not have really talked" to me in that way... Do you mean he shouldn't have told me about his break-up?

As for how things are between us, they've always been very friendly, which is what makes this sudden silence so confusing. We have never behaved inappropriately or dishonorably with each other, but he has done a few things that don't fit in the context of a purely platonic friendship, e.g. inviting me to meet his mother.

Two days ago, I got a professional phone call from someone whom R recommended me to, so it seems he'll still recommend me for work... I just wish he'd talk to me.
 
aab91030 said:
What's going on here? It's terribly rude of him, but I'm trying to be patient and understanding of what he may be going through right now. But why avoid me? Does he just need space, or is he ending the friendship, for some unknown reason?
Click to expand...

Only he knows that he's going through. And he's made a decision to go through it without you. You have to accept that.

You can give him space for a while. In a few weeks, drop him a supportive email or text as soreknees suggested. You can end it with, "I know this is a rough time for you. I miss your friendship."

But as rareboy suggested, be prepared to forget and move on because you can't change the situation if he doesn't want to pursue a friendship or other relationship with you.
 
AS others said i would write him an supportive e-mail and after that as rareboy said Get over him and move on don't spend so much time on someone.
 
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