Why Does It Hurt

[Shyguyx]

Why does it hurt so much trying to find that love? I find myself in a bit of problem. I have a job that I love. It's one that I love that I cherish. The pay sucks but the rewards well they matter to me, so when I say that the pay sucks it does. I sacrifice a bit because of it, and other things as well. I live at home where I can't be out at least while within the house and around my family. If they found out, I would lose the roof over my head. I'd lose my family which I know might have happened to some of you. I've been going through a pretty low spot in my life lately, been lonely. I need to find someone who understands, even if all we are is friends. It's not happening. I can't put the blame on the guys who have walked away, because I'm sure the blame lies within but I'm not sure how to fix it. Some have said that in order to be happy, I have to walk away from the house. In order to that, I lose the connection that I with others who do understand. Simply because, I wouldn't be able to afford internet. So how in the world do I do it. How do repair this part of me that seems to scare everyone away?

 

[Seasoned]

I'm not exactly sure what you are asking or what you think is giving you the most problem. Leaving aside, for the moment, your sexual orientation, how do you plan to take care of yourself in the long term. Will you ever be able to move away given your job and income? Whatever those plans are ought not to be tied into your orientation.

You may need to rethink your career if you can't support yourself or take a part time job in addition. Your parents won't live forever and you'll need to be independent of them eventually.

NW Indiana gives you access to Chicago and I do hope you take advantage of that even if it's just to observe other gay guys in the anonymity of a big city.

I hope there will be a time when you can be out and I hope they prove not to be the bigots you assume they are. A lot of closeted guys are unable to be free enough to find friends and partners. If you can't or won't be out at home, I do hope you find places where you are able to be out. Life is meant to be lived and all of us in Western cultures ought to take advantage of what is available to us. I'm not advising you to be reckless. Only you know what you are dealing with. But I do hope you soon find places where you can be accepted and not judged or abandoned.

My belief is if we have to lie to find love we've only found a shadow of love at best. I'm a parent and I can tell you if a parent doesn't have unconditional love for their child they are not worthy of the name. I don't mean to dis your parents until we know for sure. It could be that you have projected your homophobia on to them.

Do whatever you need to to find other gay guys. That will probably be the beings of a support group for you. Take good care of yourself. There's no reason why you can't have a contented life.

 

[Shyguyx]

I'm truly blessed to have a job that I love. I'm also trying to get my foot into world of writing. I've got one book in Amazon in their kindle program, it's not made me megabucks, but at least some people have bought it. No, I wouldn't be able to move with the job that I have. It has benefits though and I need the benefits. I'm able to be myself around my brother and his wife. I'm able to be myself around my co-workers. It's when I come home that I find myself hurting. Does that make sense? Guess what I'm asking is my life keeping guys at bay? I'm the nicest guy around and it does me no good.

I'm not exactly sure what you are asking or what you think is giving you the most problem. Leaving aside, for the moment, your sexual orientation, how do you plan to take care of yourself in the long term. Will you ever be able to move away given your job and income? Whatever those plans are ought not to be tied into your orientation.

You may need to rethink your career if you can't support yourself or take a part time job in addition. Your parents won't live forever and you'll need to be independent of them eventually.

NW Indiana gives you access to Chicago and I do hope you take advantage of that even if it's just to observe other gay guys in the anonymity of a big city.

I hope there will be a time when you can be out and I hope they prove not to be the bigots you assume they are. A lot of closeted guys are unable to be free enough to find friends and partners. If you can't or won't be out at home, I do hope you find places where you are able to be out. Life is meant to be lived and all of us in Western cultures ought to take advantage of what is available to us. I'm not advising you to be reckless. Only you know what you are dealing with. But I do hope you soon find places where you can be accepted and not judged or abandoned. My homophobia? When I say that they would throw me to the wind, I base it on the fact that when I tried bringing up a discussion, my mom threw every gay slur at me, not directly at me but at the community. My dad has pretty much done the same. It made me feel horrid.

My belief is if we have to lie to find love we've only found a shadow of love at best. I'm a parent and I can tell you if a parent doesn't have unconditional love for their child they are not worthy of the name. I don't mean to dis your parents until we know for sure. It could be that you have projected your homophobia on to them.

Do whatever you need to to find other gay guys. That will probably be the beings of a support group for you. Take good care of yourself. There's no reason why you can't have a contented life.

 

[GamerBear]

I'm the nicest guy around and it does me no good.

All the good advice has already been said but this last part caught my eye.

I consider myself to be the nicest guy around as well, yet I feel so alone because most of my friends don't really enjoy my company and it makes me feel that being the nice guy is usually the most depressing kind of trait to have. It only gets you in the door so far. But love will come, I found my husband on here but I am sure it may be different for you.

I actually came out to my parents almost 7 years old and they accept me it makes me feel good that I had a heavy burden lifted from my shoulders but at the same time I have a long way to go.

 

[Shyguyx]

I would love to find someone somewhere. I'm sort of looking, sort of not looking. I've heard it happens when you least expect it.

 

[GamerBear]

I found my hubby when I wasn't looking or least expecting to have someone to love. I had stopped looking and focused on my schooling and that's when we started talking and things led to another and we ended up meeting while I was still in College.

 

[Ganoderma]

I'm truly blessed to have a job that I love. I'm also trying to get my foot into world of writing. I've got one book in Amazon in their kindle program, it's not made me megabucks, but at least some people have bought it. No, I wouldn't be able to move with the job that I have. It has benefits though and I need the benefits. I'm able to be myself around my brother and his wife. I'm able to be myself around my co-workers. It's when I come home that I find myself hurting. Does that make sense? Guess what I'm asking is my life keeping guys at bay? I'm the nicest guy around and it does me no good.

hi Shyguyx,

Excuse me very much, but I don't understand what you mean by "Guess what I'm asking is my life keeping guys at bay?"

You told us: I'm able to be myself around my brother and his wife. I'm able to be myself around my co-workers. It's when I come home that I find myself hurting. Does that make sense? So your brother and his wife and your co-workers are aware that you are gay, but your parents are pushing you (already for quite a few years?) to find a nice girlfriend, get married with her and provide them with at least one grandkid. Yeah, I can imagine very well that this hurts. I would like to tell you that this feeling will not decrease, as your parents will not stop with their behaviour. The key to stop their behaviour is in your hand. I hope you are realizing yourself that you are lying to them. And this ongoing lying (for already how many years?) makes you feel miserable when you are at home.

I think you should make a choice. Apparently (?), your parents (and other members of your family, excluding your brother and his wife) are right considering you as 'the nicest guy around', and all are wondering why you don't have a girlfriend. Do you really think they will ever stop thinking about this? No way. So the key is in your hand: tell them that you are not into girls, and that you won't marry a girl. Otherwise, you will always have these miserable feelings when you are at home.

So what's the position of your brother (and his wife) amidst the rest of this -apparently- homophobic family? Apparently, your brother and his wife are cool that you are gay. Why should this not be the case with other members of your family? Do you really want to keep on living in one house with a bunch of homophobic bigots? What's your age?

Thanks in advance for a reply.

 

[Shyguyx]

It seems my happy home has been up for discussion here and there. Guess, it’s fair that I bring it up myself. I’ve mentioned this before that and I suppose, it only makes sense that I should help you all out. I’ve been doing some reading and it would seem that sometimes our perception before coming out is that our parents would hate us or even disown us if we came out. I can assure that when I say that my parents would kick me to the side, that I mean what I say. I had a cousin who moved to California. He died of during the AIDS epidemic. I don’t even know his name. All I know is that according to my mom he lived a deviant lifestyle. I can only assume that she means he was gay. I’ve gotten that very distinct impression many times. He’s not even discussed. My own flesh and blood and they’ve don’t even talk about him. I’d love to know him to even stand at his grave, but I don’t even know where to begin looking. But this isn’t about him, it’s about the situation here. My home was always a religious home. Though my older brother walked away from the church at the age of 18, my parents are still active in the church. I think I’m the most active out of my siblings. When it comes to my what my older brother thinks in all of this because, Mike, ( not his real name ), his wife, and all their kids know that I’m gay, even he has said not to mention anything to my parents. I’m also not sure how cool my brother and his wife are with me being gay. They are okay with it, but I still try to keep some stuff in from even them. Course in the end, they will have to know, because as I’ve said before, I do not intend to die alone. He knows just as I do that they won’t tolerate me being in their house. My parents are still wondering when I’ll bring home a pretty woman. In my mind, I’m wondering when I’ll bring home a hunky guy, though I would never insult him by bringing him to the house to meet them. I’m sure it would not be pleasant. In case you’re wondering, why I haven’t told other members of my family. It’s because my sister has said at least once that gays are nothing but child molesters, a classic myth in my book. As far as living with bigots, Don’t think for one minute that I’m not keenly aware of my situation. I know that I have to take advantage of the time, that I spend away from the house. I take advantage of the time that no one is home to chat, to watch shows like Dante’s Cove or read gay fiction on my Kindle app for the computer. As for my age, well let’s just say that I am over the age of 20.

hi Shyguyx,

Excuse me very much, but I don't understand what you mean by "Guess what I'm asking is my life keeping guys at bay?"

You told us: I'm able to be myself around my brother and his wife. I'm able to be myself around my co-workers. It's when I come home that I find myself hurting. Does that make sense? So your brother and his wife and your co-workers are aware that you are gay, but your parents are pushing you (already for quite a few years?) to find a nice girlfriend, get married with her and provide them with at least one grandkid. Yeah, I can imagine very well that this hurts. I would like to tell you that this feeling will not decrease, as your parents will not stop with their behaviour. The key to stop their behaviour is in your hand. I hope you are realizing yourself that you are lying to them. And this ongoing lying (for already how many years?) makes you feel miserable when you are at home.

I think you should make a choice. Apparently (?), your parents (and other members of your family, excluding your brother and his wife) are right considering you as 'the nicest guy around', and all are wondering why you don't have a girlfriend. Do you really think they will ever stop thinking about this? No way. So the key is in your hand: tell them that you are not into girls, and that you won't marry a girl. Otherwise, you will always have these miserable feelings when you are at home.

So what's the position of your brother (and his wife) amidst the rest of this -apparently- homophobic family? Apparently, your brother and his wife are cool that you are gay. Why should this not be the case with other members of your family? Do you really want to keep on living in one house with a bunch of homophobic bigots? What's your age?

Thanks in advance for a reply.

 

[loveguys72]

Sounds to me like it's time to make some hard choices. What do you value more: your personal happiness and sanity, or a job you admittedly love but doesn't support you? Because from the information you've supplied, the two are, at this point, incompatible. You'll never be happy or fulfilled as long as you remain under your parents' roof. So, here's your options as I see them: 1) continue on as you have been, with the understanding that a fulfulling romantic relationship will not be possible; or 2) seek alternative employment that can support you, get out on your own, and have a chance at a romantic relationship, with the understanding that you may lose most if not all of your family and the job that you love. You simply have to decide which option you dislike less.

Good luck.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Shyguyx,

Thanks for your extensive and friendly reply and for providing us with some background information. I fully agree with #9 that it's right now time to make some hard choices.

Please be aware that you parents will not stop pushing you to bring home a nice girl. Besides that, all the girls of around your age and up to 5 years older and who are single will wonder why you (= I'm the nicest guy around) don't have a girlfriend / wife. These girls will not stop thinking about this, and they will definitely talk with each other about You. Why? Why? Why?

So your parents are reli-fundi christians who have very narrow-minded opinions about LGBT people in general, and about LGBT members of your family in particular. The same is the case with your sister, but not with your brother, his wife and their kids.

Am I right that the relationship between your brother and your parents is not too well? I mean, you told us that your brother stopped with being a reli-fundi, and it seems to me that his wife is neither a reli-fundi christian. How about yourself? Are you still considering yourself as a christian? Do you go to the church, together with your parents and with your reli-fundi sister? Do you have other brothers and sisters?

Hey man, you are right now walking along a road with a dead end. Are you aware of this? And how about the kids of your brother? How old are they? What will happen on school (or everywhere else) when there is a topic about LGBT issues? Must they keep there mouth closed about you? Do you want to learn them to ly about you? Does that seem honest / a good way of living?

Or do you want to be in the situation that they stand for you, and that they tell their classmates (especially the bigotted reli-fundi christians amongst them) that they have a gay cousin (=you) and that he is a nice and friendly guy?

OK, think about this situation. Reli-fundi christians are unable to change their mind, so don't worry about them.

 

[Art1eJ]

Could you move in with your brother & his wife?? maybe they can help....