why does not wanting a relationship make you a bad person?

[Auburn]

I just dont understand why society thinks that if you are not wanting to get into a committed relationship for whatever reason, then you are labeled as a bad person and commitment phobic and too selfish. Well, who the fuck are you to label someone for living a life that is appropriate for them? At least, if a person is honest about not wanting a relationship, it shouldn't be a bad thing and they shouldn't get judged for it. That is why I fuckin hate people. Everyone is always judging, talking down, or making fun of someone else. people suck lol. Its hypocritical how people say that LTR (or marriages, if you are talking about straights) aren't for everybody but when someone admits that it is not for them, then people treat them like they are a bad person. In the gay community, you always hear guys complain about guys that don't want relationships. I just dont understand why there is so much pressure to be in a relationship. People act like a relationship is as necessary as breathing. For right now, I choose not to be in a relationship for alot of reasons that i won't post because i dont want people to know about those reasons because i don't want to be labeled anymore than i already have.

Ok, i am ready for comments...

 

[looseliam]

I have no problems with someone being upfront about not wanting a relationship.

It's the ones who don't say anything, and then a month or two later, look at me like I'm a fool for thinking they wanted something. Those guys are the twats.

 

[mabby7]

I have no problems with someone being upfront about not wanting a relationship.

It's the ones who don't say anything, and then a month or two later, look at me like I'm a fool for thinking they wanted something. Those guys are the twats.

lol ....

 

[MirrorMan]

I have no problems with someone being upfront about not wanting a relationship.

It's the ones who don't say anything, and then a month or two later, look at me like I'm a fool for thinking they wanted something. Those guys are the twats.

Aggree'd... as long as you make you intentions (or lack there off) clear then it's ok. I mean somebody might not be happy with that... but...

 

[Spensed]

I have no problems with someone being upfront about not wanting a relationship.

It's the ones who don't say anything, and then a month or two later, look at me like I'm a fool for thinking they wanted something. Those guys are the twats.

That's true. But it takes two to tango and it's not as black and white as you're making out.

If the other guy isn't saying anything and you're going along with that, you're doing a dance familiar to both of you and, especially after the first or second time, the result shouldn't be a surprise to anyone.

Plus, even people, who say they don't want a relationship, aren't necessary closed to one if it feels right (and vice versa). So they go along with things and then run when rightly or wrongly they get Fatal Attaction vibes.

Having said that, I have come across more than one person, who repeatedly gets other guys emotionally involved in him and then is surprised that they want more. Sometimes associated with emotional or sexual abuse as a child, they're not automatically bad folk, just disassociated from the usual sexual signals and expectations. What's interesting is that they don't work their magic on everyone. Some guys just see them coming and never get hooked in. Others seem all to keen to put the hook in their own mouths, which I guess is my point.

As to not wanting a relationship, my sense is that that's becoming more not less common.

 

[rareboy]

Goodness Intro. Slow down.

There are as many people who do not want a relationship as those who do. Some guys are completely disassociative and have no emotional attachment to the act of sex with another person.

There are the borderline sociopaths though, who really rock on getting other guys to invest themselves emotionally in order to hurt them by then rejecting them. Not nice.

Your post just seethes with anger. Not good. For you or anyone else you are in contact with. I think you need to spend some time on your own and with a proper therapist to understand the depth and breadth of your negative view of the world.

Best of luck working through some of this.

 

[G-Lexington]

Nobody I know gives people grief for either not being IN a LTR, or not wanting a LTR. (Except maybe my mother, and that's confined to the ones she gave birth to.) I certainly don't hear it from my gay friends. They might ask "You seeing anybody?" but that's hardly heavy pressure. I'm much more likely to hear guys bemoan the fact that they're single. Maybe my group of friends isn't the same as yours, though.

It's unclear whether you actually do hook up with guys (and just don't get into relationships with them), or have absolutely no contact with guys at all. If I had to guess, I'd say the latter - most guys I know who "hook up" aren't really averse to the idea of getting into a relationship. If that's accurate, that's fine as far as it goes. But when you hint at the rationale for your single status, I can't help but wonder if your lack of relationship (and desire for same) isn't the condition, but rather a symptom.

Lex

 

[Auburn]

Goodness Intro. Slow down.

There are as many people who do not want a relationship as those who do. Some guys are completely disassociative and have no emotional attachment to the act of sex with another person.

There are the borderline sociopaths though, who really rock on getting other guys to invest themselves emotionally in order to hurt them by then rejecting them. Not nice.

Your post just seethes with anger. Not good. For you or anyone else you are in contact with. I think you need to spend some time on your own and with a proper therapist to understand the depth and breadth of your negative view of the world.

Best of luck working through some of this.

Thanks, Rareboy . I was pretty angry when I wrote that post, as you can tell. I have just seen so many bad relationships happen to the people around me and it bothers me. I thought that i could be in a relationship but now i am not sure. Sometimes i think it may not be meant for me to spend the rest of my life with one person...I don't think I could stand one person for that long (i am 24). I actually do WANT a relationship, but at the same time i am happy with my life and trying to become comfortable being me. Most guys seem to want someone they can control and I cant fucking stand that. I try to be my own person and i expect someone to not control me, seems like that is too much to ask from a lot of guys. Its hard for me to trust alot of guys, because you just can't trust men that you meet on the internet. I see so many personal ads of guys who say they already have a bf but they are just trying to make "friends" when they are really seeing if anything is out there better. I am afraid that some guy would leave me for something that is perceived to be better. Plus, meeting new people sucks..everyone always has their guard up so high. However, that is just a small taste of why i am not in a relationship. I need to find a good therapist, but all the gay therapists around here listed on the gay chamber of commerce website (and there may be others not listed) don't accept my insurance and i am not sure a straight therapist would understand, but it might be worth a try.

Nobody I know gives people grief for either not being IN a LTR, or not wanting a LTR. (Except maybe my mother, and that's confined to the ones she gave birth to.) I certainly don't hear it from my gay friends. They might ask "You seeing anybody?" but that's hardly heavy pressure. I'm much more likely to hear guys bemoan the fact that they're single. Maybe my group of friends isn't the same as yours, though.

It's unclear whether you actually do hook up with guys (and just don't get into relationships with them), or have absolutely no contact with guys at all. If I had to guess, I'd say the latter - most guys I know who "hook up" aren't really averse to the idea of getting into a relationship. If that's accurate, that's fine as far as it goes. But when you hint at the rationale for your single status, I can't help but wonder if your lack of relationship (and desire for same) isn't the condition, but rather a symptom.

Lex

I try not to hook up, anymore. I get tired of getting treated like a piece of meat. I guess part of my reason for wanting a relationship is so i can have just one sex partner, as opposed to having one night stands to get sex. I don't feel like i can just go celibate, but at the same time i don't want to hookup alot and catch a disease i can't get rid of. What pisses me off is guys that think they can start a relationship from a hookup...relationships based on sex dont work. Lex, what do you mean by my lack of relationship isn't the condition, but rather a symptom. Symptom of what??

 

[G-Lexington]

Enh?

Your first post certainly suggested that everyone was giving you grief because you DIDN'T want to be in a relationship. Now you're saying you DO want to be in a relationship?

Explain please.

Lex

 

[Auburn]

Enh?

Your first post certainly suggested that everyone was giving you grief because you DIDN'T want to be in a relationship. Now you're saying you DO want to be in a relationship?

Explain please.

Lex

Well, I miss the affection that one can experience in a relationship. A fuck buddy isnt going to give you that. So I guess what i am saying is that i miss that part of a relationship, but i am not ready to go through all the added headaches and stress a relationship brings. My mind wavers alot....a certain part of me wants a relationship but on the other hand i know i am not ready to settle down....i guess there is no point in entering a relationship unless there is intentions of settling down, right???

 

[boy0boy]

Hmm I love the hipocracy of saying you don't want to be judged while judging those people's personal views.

If they think relationships are the end all be all of living then let them. Does it really affect you in any way for them to push you.. as annoying as it may be. Ultimately your the one who lives your own life. I agree with you though on the broader context of your ideas though. Yeah relationships are not everything in life. But being angry isn't going to solve much.

 

[Auburn]

Hmm I love the hipocracy of saying you don't want to be judged while judging those people's personal views.

If they think relationships are the end all be all of living then let them. Does it really affect you in any way for them to push you.. as annoying as it may be. Ultimately your the one who lives your own life. I agree with you though on the broader context of your ideas though. Yeah relationships are not everything in life. But being angry isn't going to solve much.

I don't want to be judged, but, hell, those people are judging me so they are also hypocrites, i guess. If they want me to respect their views then they should respect mine, not force them on me. I am just so sick and tired of the people around me trying to get me to conform to their views of how life should be. I try to be supportive of those around me and expect the same, but i guess that is hard to find

 

[rareboy]

MMMmmm.

Okay, back to work on the cause of your anger.

I really would encourage you to try and make acquaintances in the real versus the virtual world as much as possible.

I would also encourage engaging others in conversations about anything else in the world than the subject of relationships....or politics.....or religion.

You want but don't want to have a relationship. I think most people are probably cool with this type of ambivalance.

I think what still concerns me is your perception of the world order and your place and other people's place in it. there seems to be so much anxiety and frustration; it just jumps off the page. And that is a shame.

Obviously, we all have pissy days. Don't ever enter into a relationship if you are not drop dead smitten. You'll know when this happens.

In the meantime, be kind to all the guys you connect with and be kind to yourself as well.

 

[Auburn]

MMMmmm.

Okay, back to work on the cause of your anger.

I really would encourage you to try and make acquaintances in the real versus the virtual world as much as possible.

I would also encourage engaging others in conversations about anything else in the world than the subject of relationships....or politics.....or religion.

You want but don't want to have a relationship. I think most people are probably cool with this type of ambivalance.

I think what still concerns me is your perception of the world order and your place and other people's place in it. there seems to be so much anxiety and frustration; it just jumps off the page. And that is a shame.

Obviously, we all have pissy days. Don't ever enter into a relationship if you are not drop dead smitten. You'll know when this happens.

In the meantime, be kind to all the guys you connect with and be kind to yourself as well.

Thanks, rareboy..I really appreciate your input and the input of everyone else who has answered here. I think my anxiety and frustration of the world is partially influenced by the bitter people i have somehow managed to surround myself with and the continued negative relations i have with people around me. I am always fighting to find out who i really am and being ok with that, which i am not ok with me right now.

 

[AngelFromAbove]

Kinda in a rush so i only read half the replies but i will put in my two cents.

In my opinion; theres no such thing as not wanting a relationship, you just havn't met the right person.

People who don't understand this (aka the people putting you down for not making any specific commitment), obviously have a relationship for the wrong reason.

Just a theory.

I'm glad you preemptively stated, In My Opinion. How could you possibly say that everyone wants a relationship? That's a very broad generalization.

 

[Just_Believe18]

Is this rant based off of previous relationships with men who wanted a committed relationship with you?

 

[chance1]

to each his own

i'm not in a relationship right now - want one - not looking to talk someone else into it though - gotta come from within

i do think not wanting a relationship (LT) is curious - doesn't "make sense" to me - not sure how u make a connection with anyone that way - but that's me

so i guess i kinda do think it is unusual - but unusual isn't so bad right?

good luck

 

[Love_chair]

hey everyone am so glad to be back its been along time since I posted on here I lost internet access for like a year and 2 months so its been awhile LOL but as for as this goes I think if you don't want a serious relationship then you should make that matter known and tell the person your true intensions before hand so the person won't get any ideas about a relationship

 

[CoolBlue71]

I just dont understand why society thinks that if you are not wanting to get into a committed relationship for whatever reason, then you are labeled as a bad person and commitment phobic and too selfish. Well, who the fuck are you to label someone for living a life that is appropriate for them? At least, if a person is honest about not wanting a relationship, it shouldn't be a bad thing and they shouldn't get judged for it. That is why I fuckin hate people. Everyone is always judging, talking down, or making fun of someone else. people suck lol. Its hypocritical how people say that LTR (or marriages, if you are talking about straights) aren't for everybody but when someone admits that it is not for them, then people treat them like they are a bad person. In the gay community, you always hear guys complain about guys that don't want relationships. I just dont understand why there is so much pressure to be in a relationship. People act like a relationship is as necessary as breathing. For right now, I choose not to be in a relationship for alot of reasons that i won't post because i dont want people to know about those reasons because i don't want to be labeled anymore than i already have.

Ok, i am ready for comments...

Turn it around. Think about how fucked up and stupid American society is. Once you do, you realize how little the so-called credibility of what society thinks. In other words, as interesting as your point is, I don't recommend getting wound up over how others think people should live.

 

[Auburn]

Is this rant based off of previous relationships with men who wanted a committed relationship with you?

Yes, it is.

to each his own

i'm not in a relationship right now - want one - not looking to talk someone else into it though - gotta come from within

i do think not wanting a relationship (LT) is curious - doesn't "make sense" to me - not sure how u make a connection with anyone that way - but that's me

so i guess i kinda do think it is unusual - but unusual isn't so bad right?

good luck

Why would not wanting a relationship "make sense"? so everyone is supposed to want a relationship? why?

It may not be as unusual as you think....

Turn it around. Think about how fucked up and stupid American society is. Once you do, you realize how little the so-called credibility of what society thinks. In other words, as interesting as your point is, I don't recommend getting wound up over how others think people should live.

Thanks, Cool...I didn't put into perspective that way..you have a VERY valid point, but sometimes it is very hard to not worry about what people think (i dunno, maybe that's just me)