Why must I be such a coward?

[levenshulme31]

I am so messed up in my head at the moment and I feel somewhat pathetic.
I am 37 and I finally came out to a friend when we were both very drunk a few nights ago. Now I kind of hope she was too drunk to remember that I did. My friend lives in a house-share with another (male) friend. They are not a couple by the way. I visit them pretty much every week and I consider them to be the best friends I have. despite this, I have been completely unable to bring myself to tell them that I am gay, despite wanting to so much that it hurts.

I have lived in Manchester for 6 years and have still to venture to the gay village. I have never had a boyfriend but have had numerous encounters either from online meets or on holiday.

I can't even bring myself to tell my younger brother who is himself gay.

The stupid thing is I know deep down that I have nothing to fear in coming out. I know my family and friends and colleagues will be perfectly accepting. They may be shocked and take the piss a bit (I would expect nothing less), but they would not have a problem with it, and any that do I can live without.

I have always been painfully shy and had a poor self image because of my weight (I am very overweight bear-type). I don't find myself (or others like me) attractive and am therefore suspicious of those who do.

Although I have never had any diagnosis of it, I suspect I have had some degree of depression. I have certainly contemplated suicide many times, but don't believe I could ever actually make any sort of actual attempt.

Anyway, I told my friend the other night and she was incredibly supportive and caring, but when we got back to their house, I didn't say anything to my other friend. I stayed over as I was too drunk and tired to walk home. Nothing was said the next day and nothing was said when I went round last night.

The longer I have gone on hiding it, the deeper into my closet I have sunk.

I know I should have come out 10. 15. 20 years ago. Now I feel like I have almost lost the right to come out and be happy, that my keeping this secret for so long is insulting to those who have come out before, and especially those who have fought for gay rights in the past or those whose personal circumstances have been far from as supportive as mine.

Sorry for writing such a long, rambling post, but I had to get this off my chest. Any thoughts, positive or negative would be appreciated.

 

[JackFTwist]

counseling, good person, would do you a world of good

 

[StlKj]

First off, congratulations for coming out to your friend. Telling one person is a big step, and even if you did it while drunk, you still did it.

Now, breathe.

You've built this up in your head for so long that there is no way anyone could reject you as much as you've rejected yourself over the years. You have friends and family who love you, and you already know they will accept you. That's because they see all the wonderful things inside you that make you who you are. Being gay is only a small part of that--hell, it's a very small part, since you won't let yourself explore, but I would imagine it feels at times like it's the biggest part of you. That's because you keep feeding that part of yourself with anxiety, judgment, self-loathing, fear, depression--even your being overweight could be symbolic of how you've fed yourself the negative for so long (and what a great way to subconsciously push people away by adding a physical barrier you can then judge yourself for carrying around).

Of course you're a coward, and with good reason. You already know what horrible things like in wait for you if you come out, because you've already been putting yourself through them mentally for years. But courage is not as elusive as you seem to think it is. You love your brother even though he's gay, when you could have just turned your back on him for fear you'd be found out. You told your friend, and she did not, in a drunken rage, run away. The fear is overwhelming right now because you are finally making progress, so your anxiety and self-loathing are screaming at you because they know if you continue, they'll have no place in your life anymore. Let them go.

It's time to breathe. It's time to step out and step up. And you don't have to worry about the biggest hurdle anymore, which is that first step. You've already taken it.

Congratulations again. And as Jack suggested, find someone who can help you through this as you progress. Your whole life is on the verge of changing for the better--Let it.

 

[Eagle653]

I really have to agree with JackFTwist and killjoke.

First, your friend didn't forget. She was supportive when you were both drunk and she undoubtedly meant it. She didn't forget it. In fact, she's likely told her male roommate. At least you can safely assume that.

So, what now? Well, bring it up again, sober this time....like, "remember what I told you the other night when we were wasted..." and carry the conversation on. Find out who else now knows.

Your hesitation to tell people this may stem for depression, from self-esteem issues, from internalized homophobia--who knows? A good counselor could help you untangle all of this and help you feel more comfortable in your own skin. That person could also help you understand how others could very well find you very attractive, even though you don't think you're attractive because you're not your own type. That's OK. But, don't discount others who might find you attractive. I'm not my own type, either, and it took me a LONG time to understand how my partner thought I was sexier than I did. Oh well.

Lastly, know that you've struggled with your sexuality for a long time and have likely dramatized it in your mind. Truth be told, people care far more about themselves and their own lives/issues than they do about you and yours. In other words, people really don't care much about your sexuality--certainly not as much as you do. So, don't catastrophize something that's not a catastrophe.

A good counselor/therapist--just a few sessions--could work wonders in helping you be comfortable with yourself. Not feeling comfortable confiding in your younger brother--who's also gay--is revealing and I think suggests some deep-seated issues that need addressing.

Good luck! Let us know how you're doing.

 

[levenshulme31]

Wow. Thanks guys for the replies. Between you you have probably hit the nail square on the head.

I don't think my friend has told anyone, she is not the sort of person who would and I think it would have been mentioned last night. However, I will find an opportunity to have that second chat with her.

Again thanks, you have really moved me with your kindness and understanding. Who knows, maybe moved me into action.

 

[rareboy]

I can't even bring myself to tell my younger brother who is himself gay.

email your brother a copy of this post. Verbatim. Today.

 

[G-Lexington]

You appear to have become very comfortable in your current role. The role of the big ugly closeted guy who doesn't deserve happiness. It's a role that's rather self-perputrating. The longer you stay in it, the more unhappy you are, and the more you feel you deserve your lot in life.

It's going to take a move by YOU to get out of there. There are plenty of "first steps" open to you. rareboy's suggestion, I think, is a wise one. Come out. You've got a full support network waiting for you. And yes, us chubby bears are capable of love and relationships, even with guys who aren't bears. There's a ton of wonderful potential futures out there for you, but they don't come a knockin'. You gotta go out and get them.

Lex

 

[psychguy]

Reading your post, it's like someone got into my head. If it helps at all, you are not the only one going through something like this. Take care and don't be afraid to talk to someone about your fears.

 

[pocono]

This likely will not help, but... I'm a coward too.

Rest easy, there are a lot of us.

 

[JackFTwist]

And I am going to repeat: counseling (and thanks for the comments of support on that).

Working through major life changes is like deciding to get a new color scheme for the curtains.

Having a skilled professional to work through these things with yoiu is a real life saver.

 

[fiorio]

anti-depressant may work, and mean time diet and exercise.