Why Must We "Confess?"

[NAVYBOI]

A friend recently told me he was gay. I was quite shocked, but I told him that I didn’t care, and that his sexuality had no bearing on our friendship. We continued to talk about his being gay and whatnot and he told me that he was so nervous about telling me because he didn’t want to lose me as a friend, and was trying to explain and/or reason his “gayness,” and I told him to shut up. I am not out to anyone, partly becuase im in the military, but for some reason I got this calm over myself and I told him I was gay too. He gave me this big sigh of relieve. He has slowly been announcing his sexuality to a small number of friends and family, and by me “coming out” to him I feel some stress relieve, but my question is, why it is anyone’s business that I prefer to date or sleep with men. I have yet to see a forum for straight people announcing their “straightness.” Don’t get me wrong, I love this particular subject in this forum, and I think it provides a great service to our community, but I wish that I could just be gay and not have to worry about “telling” people. Thanks for listening.

 

[KaraBulut]

Navyboi:

What most people call "coming out" is actually the end of a process.

Coming out starts with coming out to yourself and accepting yourself as a gay person. Many people, when they reach that point of personal acceptance, decide that they are ready to stop the lies, the changing of gender of pronouns, the evasive answers and all the extra work that comes with living in the closet. As such, they begin to tell the important people in their life.

The extent of coming out and to whom you come out is a personal decision. The important part of coming out is accepting and loving yourself for who you are.

It sounds like you have come out and that you are comfortable with being gay and dating men. I suspect that because you are in the Navy and the NIS is notoriously anti-gay, you are in a position where you must remain in the closet in order to stay in the service. As such, you are not ready to complete the coming out process.


The only thing that I ask people who are in the closet is "Isn't it a lot of work to hide this from people who will probably love you anyway?".

 

[rareboy]

^^

"I really fancy this boy"

When straight guys start saying that, it is time to get to know them better.

I have never told anyone that I was gay. I just never hid the fact.

 

[G-Lexington]

"Coming out" isn't about bringing out the soapbox and making a pubilc announcement per se. It's just about being honest, and not living the lie anymore. Not playing "pronoun games" with people ("I'm seeing somebody, and we're very happy"). Introducing people to your "boyfriend" or "partner" instead of your "friend" or "roommate". Not feeling you have to pretend to ogle the hot waitress that all your friends are ogling.

The rainbow stickers on the car are totally optional.

Lex

 

[landers]

It's not anyone's business that I like guys. However it can get awkward if people don't know. At work for instance everyone thought that when I said I was going on a date that it was with a woman. It got pretty annoying having people ask what she looked like, if I was going to see her again so I just told them, she is a he. Problem solved.

 

[NomineDetracto]

i think a lot of people feel the need to "come out" and sit their family and friend down and tell them because of their pasts.

for me, i did it just because up untill about a year and a half ago i was a very devout Christian and had only dated a few girls and only a few of my friends knew i lusted after men (was gay). so, when i decided to start dating guys i told my family and friends before hand. because i wanted them to understand and not just fall for some guy and have to spring it on them "hey everyone! here's my boyfriend!" out of the blue is kind of a lot to handle.
like some others said, it just made it more real for me too.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

[F friend recently told me he was gay. I was quite shocked, but I told him that I didn’t care, and that his sexuality had no bearing on our friendship. We continued to talk about his being gay and whatnot and he told me that he was so nervous about telling me because he didn’t want to lose me as a friend, and was trying to explain and/or reason his “gayness,” and I told him to shut up. I am not out to anyone, partly becuase im in the military, but for some reason I got this calm over myself and I told him I was gay too. He gave me this big sigh of relieve. He has slowly been announcing his sexuality to a small number of friends and family, and by me “coming out” to him I feel some stress relieve, but my question is, why it is anyone’s business that I prefer to date or sleep with men. I have yet to see a forum for straight people announcing their “straightness.” Don’t get me wrong, I love this particular subject in this forum, and I think it provides a great service to our community, but I wish that I could just be gay and not have to worry about “telling” people. Thanks for listening.[/FONT]

I very much share this view.

I see my private life for what it is: private. And as such, it is purely my own business.

Indeed, you can be as gay as you want and you are absolutely under no obligation to share that with the rest of the world.

I see coming out as an 'environmental function' of some kind. Very few people are that close to me as to be able to ask me, if I am going out and who would be my partner for that or any other function. I hardly ever share any personal information with anyone, who does not belong to the closest set of my friends. First and foremost because I feel that private matters ought to be kept private and second, telling anyone that you are gay is actually a statement of a 'fait accompli', if you will? (In other words: what are they supposed to do with such a statement? Agree or disagree? Approve or disprove? Why would they wish to get involved in the matter at all?)

I certainly do not hide anything from anyone either. My BF and I live & mostly travel together. We always share the same suite and we always book a king-size bed. We always attend functions together. One would have to be either blind or dumb not to conclude that we are a gay couple. And I am very confident that people must have drawn their conclusions.

Yet, just as I never discuss private affairs of people, who are not my closest and best friends and that only amongst us, I would never allow any general discussion of my private life with people who just happen to know me.

SC

 

[Luka]

I agree that confessing does suck. But if you didnt, how would other people who are gay know your gay? In the perfect world we would all have an invisble sign that only other gays could see, but we dont, lol however i have only told my best friend, and i know im about to tell my parents, i cant keep this secret any longer, (i think they know already). But yea, confessing kinda does suck, lol

 

[drhladnjak]

It's your right to be as out or as private as you want to be. In the real world though, our personal lives are rarely completely private. At work and in social settings, people like to talk about their lives, a significant other, their kids or somebody they went on a date with. Since coming out to close friends and family a while back, I pretty much never actively do it now. I find it's easier to just act like they already know and mention a guy I'm dating or the gay club I went to or the gay charity I did volunteer work for. People tend to figure it out pretty quickly and it comes off as not being a big deal (because frankly for these people there's no reason it should be).

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Navy,

You are right you know. It isnt anyone elses business but yours... and it doesnt matter that you sleep with men, you know it doesnt change who you are, the image that you present to the world. You know who you are and are comfortable with that... you deserve to feel proud of that mate... thats a huge accomplishment.

But for most coming out to whatever degree you chose is more about self belief, self respect and the desire to rid yourself of the "lies" that most spend their lives building.

Its usually about honesty. For most at some stage or another, they have lied about who they are. It might be a small lie or a large on depending on the situation.

You often hear people talk about burden or weights being lift when they come out... well, those burdens are largely self imposed. They are the collective weight of a deception that guys feel forced to fabricate. No one wants to lie. No one wants to cheat or hide. No one wants to deceive the very people that they love or care about.

But over time, we weave a web that traps us deeper and deeper. It might not seem like much but every time the topic is mentioned or discussed, even indirectly, a little more weight is added. It registers in our minds like clockwork...

Add to that the perceived reactions of our loved ones and the guilt that it brings and you have a burden that takes its toll on even the strongest.

So in the end coming out isnt really a process for others. Its not a process of declaring who we sleep with or love... its a process of honesty and wanting a clean slate. A chance to start over. A chance to be ourselves and live without lies... without burden. Coming out could almost be selfish if it wasnt so important to our self esteem and our identity.

And ultimately coming out isn't about seeking permission or approval either. Because when most guys come out they are ready to accept whatever response they get and challenges that it may bring.

I guess you could say that coming out is probably one of the greatest personal achievements a gay guy can make. Something he can feel proud of - the complete antithesis of what his life had been.

Thats why we feel compelled to do it... for us.

 

[Jory]

I think the confessions is more for ourselve then others........By the way have you told your friend about JUB yet