why would a bisexual man pretend to be gay?

[natalietruman]

Just out of curiosity how many guys put the gay label on but are really bisexual? I am trying to help a friend who trys hard to be either straight or gay when in reality isn't either and that is why he is never happy. Can't understand bisexuality in males because it seems so rare.

Wants my advice I say be yourself a man who loves who ever but it never helps him. Any advice for both of us.

We have had history and I know he was in love with me. Told me so one night after coming out as gay that he was in love with a woman and I asked who, he just looked at me. I find him emotionally confused and he asks for my help.

 

[KaraBulut]

Just out of curiosity how many guys put the gay label on but are really bisexual? I am trying to help a friend who trys hard to be either straight or gay when in reality isn't either and that is why he is never happy. Can't understand bisexuality in males because it seems so rare.

What in life is really black and white? Sexuality is never that simple.

Guys have a lot of complicated feelings. Just because a guy is straight doesn't mean that he doesn't have attractions to other guys. Just because a guy is gay doesn't mean that he doesn't have attractions to women.

Your friend has decided that being gay is what feels natural for him. It doesn't mean that he hasn't had feelings for women in the past nor does it mean that he won't have them in the future.

It just means that he wants to pursue relationships with guys and he's comfortable labeling himself as "gay".

 

[AngelFromAbove]

What in life is really black and white? Sexuality is never that simple.

Guys have a lot of complicated feelings. Just because a guy is straight doesn't mean that he doesn't have attractions to other guys. Just because a guy is gay doesn't mean that he doesn't have attractions to women.

Your friend has decided that being gay is what feels natural for him. It doesn't mean that he hasn't had feelings for women in the past nor does it mean that he won't have them in the future.

It just means that he wants to pursue relationships with guys and he's comfortable labeling himself as "gay".

I'll co-sign on this idea. Even though many people, male or female, will say that they're 100% heterosexual or homosexual, many of them have probably had some same-sex or opposite sex attractions, respectively. However, people may not label themselves accordingly.

With that being said, help your friend understand that it is not about the label. It is about coming to understand oneself and becoming comfortable with his sexuality. Trying to force a label may lead to unnecessary pressure, which may cause him to repress or avoid dealing with this aspect of himself.

 

[kingkhan]

hmm maybe becuase society tends to label anyone who has same sex attractions as gays so he is going w/ that I guess. Also, I have thought of this too becuase, it seems so many gay guys don't like bi guys and it would be easier to just be one or the other but, now one should hide who they are. I am so happy that I have accepted that I like women and can have fun with men too.

 

[glo-unit]

In much of the overall straight world there is a stigma against homosexuality and many homosexuals try everything they can to convince everyone even themselves they are not gay.

Equally in much of the gay world bisexuality has a stigma attached to it and as such many bi men who fell more comfortable with gays try their best to be completely gay. Just look around the forums and you will see this.

 

[Rex]

Being bi is weird.

It's too confusing. It'd be much better to be either gay or straight but on the other hand it's kind of nice to be able to have both sexually. Sometimes I wonder if I'll just end up being gay. I don't want to get serious with a girl and end up cheating on her with men like so many other guys do, and with guys, even if I do try to have a relationship with them I just don't feel nothing beyond a friendship and sex. I did feel something with one guy but it didn't work.

I try not to think about it anymore but I really don't know where I'll end up in the long run.

 

[scains]

^I feel the same as you. I'm pretty sure that I am gay and have told my friends so, but I have had feelings for women that I find hard to explain but I know that I'm not sexually attracted to them. I just decided to say that I am gay and that enabled me to accept who I am and now I am sorta happy. I couldn't be with a woman even if I did love her because I wouldn't be satisfied and would, likely, stray. Actually I wouldn't because it's not possible for someone like me to cheat but I would want to and I would hate myself for it. I'm just glad that some people don't want children and put them up for adoption otherwise I would have no hope. Though it would be nice if I could have my "own" child.

 

[AngelFromAbove]

What's confusing about it? Some people like guys, some like girls, some like both. I think that, in some cases, the confusion is only there because you're taught that it should be there, you're taught that it makes you weird and abnormal even though there's nothing really wrong with it.

It's like the bi-curious episode of South Park. To quote Butters: "I wasn't confused until everybody started telling me I was confused."

True Marley, true...in some cases. However, I am sure there are some people who have varying degrees of attractions as well as different ways in which they may become attracted that could also lead to confusion. In other words, there may not be a strong impulse that instantly lets one know that he or she is attracted to someone of the same-sex as he or she is attracted to the opposite sex, and vice-versa. It can be more subtley and unclear.

 

[KaraBulut]

What's confusing about it? Some people like guys, some like girls, some like both.

It's confusing because the feelings aren't exactly the same and the attraction varies with time.

If it were always 70-30% or 80-20%, then it would be much easier. But there are periods where you are very strongly attracted to men but then it reverses and you have a much stronger attraction to women for a while.

And there's a big difference between physical attraction and emotional attraction- that varies too.

 

[kingkhan]

I guess the confusion for me is just same sex attractions are new to me but, with time I getting use to it and now know what I like. But, I do worry like Sultan that I will be in a serious relationship with a women but, then get the itch to do something with guys.

 

[natalietruman]

Ok, so can a gay man or a man who claims he is gay hug a woman and get hard? If the answer is yes, then the same applies for straight men who get hard if they hug another man, is that gay??

Complicated. damn right it is... But it seems like some gay men are adamant that you can't be bisexual.. but if a guy who is straight happens to get a hard on with another man he is automatically gay....yes, a gay man gets hard with a woman and he is still gay...

 

[KaraBulut]

I never understand most of the guys on this board, always pulling out numbers/percentages in relation to their sexual attraction. (How would you measure that..?)

Easy. When you see a couple walking toward you, do you look at the guy first or the girl first? If you're watching straight or bi porn, which interests you more- the guy or the girl?

The numbers are arbitrary but what they mean is that if you put 10 guys and 10 girls in front of us, we can tell you that 70% of the time, we're checking the guys the most and 30% of the time, we're checking out the women.

I still don't see why that would cause a confusion, I still think it's less confusion more of a mentality that "I'm not supposed to be this way, society tells me it's abnormal" so the confusion is "Why can't I be more like "normal" people."

Sometimes I like tall guys, sometimes I like short ones. My taste in men fluctuates, but that doesn't confuse me. My taste in EVERYTHING fluctuates.

Probably the best explanation has to do with norms and how human understand and conceptualize things with words.

You'll hear many old gay men say that they didn't understand what they were feeling until they had a name for it or they met another gay person. That's when they said, "That's me".

Bisexuality is very hard for people in Western cultures to understand. For some reason, we've reached a point where we have cultural references for gay and straight but not a lot of culture references for bisexuals. So, bisexuals end up just making it up as they go unless they happen to run across another bisexual with whome they can compare notes.

Interestingly, in other countries the norm is for men to be married with children but to have male partners on the side. The whole concept of straight/gay is still foreign to their understanding.

Ok, so can a gay man or a man who claims he is gay hug a woman and get hard? If the answer is yes, then the same applies for straight men who get hard if they hug another man, is that gay??

Complicated. damn right it is... But it seems like some gay men are adamant that you can't be bisexual.. but if a guy who is straight happens to get a hard on with another man he is automatically gay....yes, a gay man gets hard with a woman and he is still gay...

It doesn't take much for a guy to get hard.

Penises and brains have different agendas.

There are plenty of gay men who marry and have children and don't come out as gay until their children are grown. Just because you're gay doesn't mean that you cannot have sex with a woman.

If you're friend says he's gay, then you have to accept that.

 

[AngelFromAbove]

Not really, the linguistics involved are very efficient and get to the heart of the matter. Like boys? Ur gay. Like girls? You're straight. Like both? You're bi.

Again Marley, I would agree with you to a certain extent. On the other hand, it's not always going to be clear for everyone. I'm not saying that this is the OP's case, but people in general. There are different types of attractions as well as levels of attractions, so it may be difficult for some to instantly come to a decision about what's happening with themselves.

 

[AngelFromAbove]

^True, but why would you even feel compelled to need to "instantly come to a decision?" Is someone holding a gun to the person's head saying "Choose an orientation now or I'll shoot you!"?

I think the pressure to "pick a side" is sometimes internal, though the stigma against anything that isn't hetero is also a contributing factor.

Some people have a need to figure out for themselves. There may not necessarily be an external factor, like family or friends, but an internal factor. However, whether it's external or internal, there may be a need to feel normal. So, we agree.

 

[conrad]

For myself I would say that I have never pretended to be either straight or gay. I have had just six sexual partners, three men and three women, and all in long-term committed relationships. I have been a happily married man for many, many, years to the dear lady I was willing and eager to spend the rest of my life with.

Before I married I moved frequently in pursuing my educational and career goals and I found that it was quite possible for me to be a faithful partner to men as well as to women. What happens sexually between two persons is to me both personal and private; the rest of the world including other friends, family, and the general public, I believe, are entitled to only that which they can observe. In my day there were no "raised eyebrows" when two men shared the same quarters; relationships with women were somewhat less easy to keep from public scrutiny, but I was fortunate in having family and friends who did not pry.

In my own mind I think of myself as ambisexual and by that I mean that I can be content and faithful and can sustain a sexual relationship with a man or a woman. It is the person, not the person's gender, along with the quality of the relationship which are paramount to me. I have many friends of both sexes and know that not all relationships have a sexual element, but a very few persons become more than friends and when sex happens it seems so very natural and right. Do I find other persons besides my wife sexually attractive? I certainly do, but I have never jeopardized a relationship by straying.

The world sees me as a conventional heterosexual man. That is alright with me. I honor love in marriage with a woman and I honor love in a committed relationship with a man also. There is a beauty, variety, and mystery about human love which defies categorization. I like to do what I can to keep all that alive and vital. I have been blest in experiencing it. Of all my former partners I can still say that I loved them then and I love them still.

 

[AngelFromAbove]

^For someone who "doesn't know a thing about it" your post was very clear, concise, and observant.

I'm glad somebody else recognizes there's still stigma attacked to being gay/homosexual hence all the guys who insist they're straight or bi.

Preach! God knows I've been hit on by more straight men than gay men...