Why would he do this?

[gymrat100]

Hey everybody, I was wondering if you could help me out.

There was this guy who I saw everyday last year. It was instant attraction for both of us. For most of last year, he was so sweet to me. Always attentive, always around, staring at me non-stop, following me around. So gentlemanly if we ever went out and was always seeking my approval if he got a hair cut or how he looked when we went out. This same pattern happened all year.

Then I decided I was going to tell him how I felt and that he was this amazing guy.

A few days pass and he does a 180. He told his friends what a faggot I was. He told people I see on a regular basis. All of these guys are discrete bi-sexual. They have all been with guys. I now go to a different place.

This happened last November and I can't shake this awful feeling. I feel so humiliated. I feel like I am nothing and no guy will ever want me. I cry non-stop and I feel so unwanted. Why would he act that way leading me on the whole time and the rip out my heart like did? I am in deep depression.

I have seem probably twice and those times he would stare at me and he would smile at me. I have not talked to him I am so humiliated and confused by him. What did I do to deserve that? What possess somebody to act that way?

Has anyone gone through this? I get worse everyday. I did nothing wrong. I gave had such awful stuff happen to me in my life that I want to end my life. Did I ask for this? I feel ashamed of myself for giving my heart to a person who is capable of this. I honestly felt like was no other guy. I mean he really toyed with me and he's just fine about it. My life has turned upside down as a result and I can't shake this. Did I deserve what got?

If anybody out there has gone through this please reply. Thank you.

 

[gymrat100]

Sorry for the typos. I typed this on my phone.

 

[swerve]

Don't take offense at this post...

But -- WHY are you allowing someone else's actions (ones that you CANNOT control) affect YOUR life so much???

As you've stated -- YOU did NOTHING wrong...

YOU KNOW that YOU are a GOOD person...

Don't let someone else's callousness AFFECT you SO MUCH!!!

Chin up young man...

 

[saymyname]

I'm not sure I fully understand the situation you're describing. Were you just friends for a year? Or were you lovers?

It sounds like this guy is very insecure about his sexuality so the moment you made his admiration of you "real" by acknowledging it, he freaked out, thinking it threatens his masculinity. That's probably why he said things to your friends about you being a "faggot" - clearly he has some homophobic issues here. It sounds like a case of "homosexual panic" - this kind of thing apparently used to happen more often back in the day but still happens. There's stories about guys that trick ("rough tricks") and they're fine but then the moment they orgasm, after they flip out on the gay guy. It's fucked up.

You could just write him off as crazy, or try talking to him and asking him why he would do that to you. But at the end of the day, try not to seek the approval of others to make yourself feel good. Whatever he was admiring in you is still there - he's the one who changed, not you.

 

[gymrat100]

Thanks. I try so hard to not let this bug me but it does. Some days I feel like I am getting over this. Others I feel so weak...like today. I try really hard to be strong. I am so ashamed of myself for opening up to a person who could do this and be fine about it. What does that say about me? I feel so powerless now. He has taken all of my confidence and tried not to let him but he did.

 

[gymrat100]

I met him through friends and we hit it off immediately.

Yes, he's very insecure but it was in ways where you want the one you like to be okay with your flaws and not be materialistic about things. I liked everything about him.

Why would he tell people what I told him then turn around and smile at me and act interested again? I feel so emotionally beat down by him.

 

[altlover85]

Thanks. I try so hard to not let this bug me but it does. Some days I feel like I am getting over this. Others I feel so weak...like today. I try really hard to be strong. I am so ashamed of myself for opening up to a person who could do this and be fine about it. What does that say about me? I feel so powerless now. He has taken all of my confidence and tried not to let him but he did.

The best thing you can do about this is be up front and open with the next guy you like. This way you won't be as invested if things go south.

His behavior is on him. You may want to try and get to know someone better and talk to their friends as well if possible.

Seeing a counselor may also help you sort out your feelings and help you cope with this.

Why would he tell people what I told him then turn around and smile at me and act interested again? I feel so emotionally beat down by him.

He has serious issues with his sexuality and could have other issues as well. Don't focus as much on why he did something, but rather focus on giving yourself the time you need to heal.

Feel better and don't be afraid to PM me if you need to.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm glad you signed on to JUB and opened your heart. You did nothing wrong and nothing to deserve what he did. I'm not sure I have the whole picture. Is he in the closet? If so, it sounds like he got scared and held you up as a target so no one would question his orientation. The closet can be quite dangerous to all concerned.

Now, that is about him. I'm extremely more concerned about you. You seem to have been victimized in the past and have been in a fragile mental state so all of these hurts have been added to each other. That is what is calling for an intervention. With the hurt around this particular guy you went inward. I might have gone outward and lashed out at him and explaining to these mutual friends what had really happened.

There are degrees of depression. The milder forms allow you to see that it's temporary. The more serious forms obliterate hope. Please understand that that is part of the illness and this illness lies to you. It gives you low self-esteem, jealousy, sadness and loneliness. It is an illness which affects brain chemicals and is feeding you unthruths. A kernal of you knows this and that is why you wrote.

You need to reach out to a helpline, 911, emergency room or a trusted person who will stay with you and make calls as necessary.

If your arm were broken, the physical pain would prevent you from bowling and would cause you to seek treatment for it. Right now, the function of your brain that affects mood and thoughts is broken. The pain is emotional and therefore your response is thoughts rather than action (getting the broken arm fixed).

I would like to see a response from you that you have reached out in some way and made your problem known. I care what happens to you.

 

[gymrat100]

Thanks altlover85. I thought for sure after seeing each other everyday last year there was good indication that we knew each other. He knew I was gay. I knew he was too but not out.

I honestly felt that he was so perfect. That he was it. We just clicked so well better than anybody I have known.

I have also considered therapy.

What does this say about me liking somebody like this. Isn't who we seek company with a reflection of ourselves?

 

[altlover85]

The following is just my opinion, I'm not an expert on this at all.

What does this say about me liking somebody like this. Isn't who we seek company with a reflection of ourselves?

Perhaps, but not in the way that you are thinking.

Maybe he befriended you because you are a nice, vulnerable person. He didn't befriend you because he thinks you are a jerk like him.

Regardless, take the focus off of your relationship with him and focus on making yourself feel better. All of these worries about him are generally not helping you. You may never know his motivations, so why waste the time guessing?

Instead focus on how you will work on still being a trusting person, but also being more aware of other people and making sure that you don't leave certain revelations for a year into knowing someone. Also try not to focus all of your energy on one person.

I know all of this is easier said than done.

 

[gymrat100]

Thank you soreknees. I like your pic.

I am so depressed. I cry everyday. I just felt like what happened to me was the tipping point. I am so tired of heart break. I just feel like I deserve all if this crazy stuff that happens to me. Why would a guy completely change when I stated the obvious? I just feel like I am nothing.

I am everything you described.

 

[gymrat100]

Thank you for kind words altlover85. I just feel so ashamed. I am trying to focus on myself. It's hard. I just feel like I am insignificant.

 

[azare II]

I have just been through this and had the same feelings of shame and feeling hopeless.These are key signs. Soreknees and Altalover85 gave very good advice. I signed up just to reply to you as I know how much support can do for you when you are going through this. This is my first post. I can't add much useful advise to what soreknees and alta have said but I will tell you that you can break out of this depression so fast once you understand that it was not your shortcoming that caused the problem or the depression. Your friend has issues and sorry to say, you will run in to many more people with issues. Re-read the advice from sore knees about getting help. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Hold your head up and be proud of the person you are. I talked to the person who triggered my depression and cleared the air about what was going on and wondered how I ever let myself get in such a depression. I had never experienced depression as intense but talking it out with my counselor gave me quick release from it. Let us know how you are doing. You have a large caring group of friends here that are behind you all the way.

 

[Seasoned]

Please reach out for help. Please believe me when I tell you it's brain chemicals making a horrible situation worse and it can be fixed. I want you around long enough to get through that dark tunnel and be able to explain the process to someone else. I'd like to see some of that sadness turn to anger, not that you hurt anyone, but so you don't hurt yourself.

PS. The avatar is a self portrait of a contemporary of Rembrandt.

 

[nialltt]

Agreed. Brush it off.

 

[gymrat100]

Thank you Azare II for joining just for me. That is so kind of you. I don't think that I will talk to him. The worst part is I miss him terribly. I don't know what happened. I'm confused and I am trying to get past that. I never asked out a guy before and so I just feel humiliated and just like I am nothing.

I try to focus on me. I have a good job and am busy but none of that matters. I just want a boyfriend. I just feel used and manipulated. I can't get past it.

I have just a series of bad things happen to me in my life that were pretty bad and this just triggered something that turned my life upside down. This time last year I had confidence. I felt good and was happy. Now it's the total opposite. I think about suicide non-stop. It's always on my mind. I know I have to get help and I will. I just feel like I deserved this. I put myself here. I just felt like I was doing the normal thing with him.

It was just a double-whammy with him. I had an incident taking place at the same times him. I was being obsessed over by a few members of this place. One liked me and I was not interested. Then things spiraled and the guys started hurling anti-gay epithets at me and threatening me. It was terrible. I never told the guy I liked out of embarrassment. I had to go to the police and everything. I was told to leave out of safety for myself. But I stayed. If I got jumped I'd be fine I can handle myself. That's when I told him my feelings. I felt I would never see him again and I didn't want to lose him. And then I just got tag-teamed with all this hate. But I would have told him anyways in due time.

So I'm just emotionally beat that's why I cry so much.

 

[gymrat100]

Soreknees thank you for your kind words. I just feel like I'm stuck. I am trying to get there. I won't hurt myself. I don't have the courage to do anything. I think about it everyday though. But nothing will happen I am just being honest about how I feel. And, that's how I feel.

 

[gymrat100]

Yeah he's pretty homophobic too and that makes it worse. But, he's not straight.

 

[Telstra]

Hey everybody, I was wondering if you could help me out.

There was this guy who I saw everyday last year. It was instant attraction for both of us. For most of last year, he was so sweet to me. Always attentive, always around, staring at me non-stop, following me around. So gentlemanly if we ever went out and was always seeking my approval if he got a hair cut or how he looked when we went out. This same pattern happened all year.

Then I decided I was going to tell him how I felt and that he was this amazing guy.

A few days pass and he does a 180. He told his friends what a faggot I was. He told people I see on a regular basis. All of these guys are discrete bi-sexual. They have all been with guys. I now go to a different place.

This happened last November and I can't shake this awful feeling. I feel so humiliated. I feel like I am nothing and no guy will ever want me. I cry non-stop and I feel so unwanted. Why would he act that way leading me on the whole time and the rip out my heart like did? I am in deep depression.

I have seem probably twice and those times he would stare at me and he would smile at me. I have not talked to him I am so humiliated and confused by him. What did I do to deserve that? What possess somebody to act that way?

Has anyone gone through this? I get worse everyday. I did nothing wrong. I gave had such awful stuff happen to me in my life that I want to end my life. Did I ask for this? I feel ashamed of myself for giving my heart to a person who is capable of this. I honestly felt like was no other guy. I mean he really toyed with me and he's just fine about it. My life has turned upside down as a result and I can't shake this. Did I deserve what got?

If anybody out there has gone through this please reply. Thank you.

umm did you have sex with him before telling him your feelings?

Anyway, you are gymrat. That means you are hot and can find many other guys.

 

[gymrat100]

No I never had sex with him. I know a guy who did though a couple times. I just really liked him. I'm getting over him slowly but surely. I do need therapy though. I'm just disappointed in myself for liking this kind of guy.

What happens to guys like him? These closeted guys that are homophobic and lead guys on. It just seems weird to me.