Why would he do this?

[altlover85]

Do you think he is an abusive kind of guy? I hate to say this about him, I don't want to think that of him. But is he like an emotional manipulator?

Yes, I think he is.

 

[castoono]

Then I decided I was going to tell him how I felt and that he was this amazing guy.
A few days pass and he does a 180. He told his friends what a faggot I was. He told people I see on a regular basis.
This happened last November and I can't shake this awful feeling. I feel so humiliated. I feel like I am nothing and no guy will ever want me. I cry non-stop and I feel so unwanted.

I would like so much to punch him in the face. But you learned that one has to keep some secrets, and even if you think you will never trust somebody again, you grew up a stronger person. You see this: all of us are faggots and/or sons of bitches. But no one deserves a single tear. And if it fell anyway, you'll say: this is not for him, this is for me. Proudly.

 

[gymrat100]

Thank you castoono. That was beautiful. It really stuck with me.

Maybe he's an abusive guy. Whatever he did, it worked. It comes in waves you know? Sometimes I feel good, other days I feel worthless.

Has anybody ever gone through this before? I just feel because I like him so much, he knows this, and won't let me be with him. Hence the I have no idea what you're talking about.

Do you ever get better or are you changed?

 

[Georgiadude]

your welcome and I love huge hugs. so thank you for that.

I just went through a terrible break up. the person I loved more than anything in the world turned out to be the biggest liar I have ever seen. He broke my heart into a million pieces and couldn't care less that he did it. I kept telling myself I should have seen it coming and wondering what I did wrong. Truth is we didn't do anything wrong. We loved and trusted someone that was playing some sick, twisted game for their own enjoyment. What we have to do is learn from it and don't let it happen again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Your heart is hurting and it takes time for it to heal. I still think about him every day. It gets easier with time and keeping myself busy. Aside from being a jackass he has some serious mental issues. He's going to spend the rest of his life either living a lie or being alone and hiding his true self. Forget about him and get on with your life. You know your a good person and are strong enough to get through this. I wouldn't have anything to do with him or anyone that hangs around with him. Let them live their sad, pathetic lie of a life. He's not worth another minute of your time or energy. I know it's hard to move on. I'm trying my best to do it. I can either sit here being sad and wondering why I let it go on for as long as I did or I can go on with my life and be happy. You have the same choice to make. My advice is to let it go and get on with your life. Don't give him the power to ruin your life.

Steven.

 

[MarquisOrias]

Has anybody ever gone through this before? I just feel because I like him so much, he knows this, and won't let me be with him. Hence the I have no idea what you're talking about.
Do you ever get better or are you changed?

I've had the misfortune of experiencing this twice. It's no wonder I'm still in the closet at 25 haha, both times were the only two times in my life I would ever approach someone, and both times it blew up in my face, and every time it happened I'd sink deeper and deeper into said closet.

GIANT POST AHEAD! SCROLL DOWN TO SEE HOW LONG IT GOES BEFORE YOU START READING!



The first story isn't 100% on topic with a negative rejection, but the second story is. The first story does give a bit of insight to my prior life and the inner workings of my brain though so it's still in context, but you can skip right to the second one if you like.



First time I was in my teens, I think I was 18 or 19 at the time, and I met this guy who was openly gay. He was a year younger than me but horny as a toad. What impressed me most about him was the fact he was so comfortable about his homosexuality, and he just existed as a regular guy that loved other guys. He didn't care if someone was calling him a faggot behind his back, he would just go "Well duh people say shit like that" and continue with his life.
Mindyou I came from a strict conservative family. Sex was never discussed. If two people were kissing on TV, the channel was changed and we weren't to watch the obviously satanically influenced show.

So to my happiness, he was attracted to me, of all people. At first I was like "No I'm not gay but I'm flattered that you like me", you know, the things you say to yourself when you're a closetted teen who's terrified of being outed. I'm not going to be gay! I'm going to marry a woman! Right?
Not on this guy's schedule. He would always hang with me during breaks, tell me things like "Last night I had a dream that you fucked me in the shower, we were both slippery and it was hot" - heavily coming on to me. I loved it. I would tell him things like "Well it's just a dream" and reject it, but my face and blushing cheeks could not lie.
Over the next few weeks he kept coming onto me harder and harder and then one day I finally accepted and told him that I had feelings for him too, and I didn't understand why because we're both male and how it's wrong and so forth. He made me feel like it's all right.
So I organized a date with him, which happened to be on my birthday. I didn't see him for a few days, it's not like he was officially my boyfriend or anything, but we had a little spark that I wanted to explore.
So out I went , got to the destination, and I waited for him. And waited, and waited, and waited, and waited. I was stood up. I didn't speak to him for weeks after that, out of the humiliation I felt, and when I did confront him about why I was stood up, he told me that I lived too far away and he only liked to talk with me at school since we're both already there. Some shitty excuse that I actually believed.

Many years later I have lost complete contact with him and I found out via a mutual friend that at that exact same time he was flirting with me he was screwing some dude, and it wasn't that I lived far away, he just enjoyed the thrill of flirting with a straight guy and when I admitted my feelings for him he got bored with me.

Back in the closet I went, until the age of 22.


Second time round : I got a job and had a decent social life. Once again I'm just yet another straight guy who somehow doesn't ever have a girlfriend, and everyone beleived that
We would often hang out with each other, my friends had a core group, and occasionally one of the core friends would bring in another friend who'd stop by us a few times, get to knows us, sometimes even start hanging with us on a day to day basis. Life was good (except for having to hide my lusting thoughts about some of my hotter friends, dear GOD the torture!).
One day one of my friends brought in this guy with him, he was such a cool guy. A little short, he had a shitty job but he didn't care. He was also attractive and very flirty. Better yet, he loved getting drunk, and when he got drunk his flirtations increased tenfold. He'd start flirting with the guys who would be like "ha ha, you're so funny". He'd occasionally flirt with me and I'd also brush him off.
Oddly though, he'd flirt with me differently than how he'd flirt with the others. He had a hint of persistence. It's like we shared this small bond. Our work hours and breaks lined up perfectly, so we ended up hanging around each other a lot, which in turn made him "one of us" with my group, everyone loved him and he was like family to us.

Due to our work hours and breaks, me and him became really great friends, we spent a lot of time together, with the effect of his flirtations becoming stronger and stronger, until one day something happened that had never happened before : He started flirting with me... sober. I was internally over the moon, but had to put on my macho man face and attitude on the outside, once again with the "I'm flattered" speil. To which his reply would always be "I'm just messing with you, I'm not like that anyway". Which I would never beleive but always reply with "Ok".
His flirting was never hardcore like the first guy, it was just light things like how he wants to tie me up with a rope and have me all to himself, or how he's amazed and impressed with my skills at games and how he wishes my hands could be used to do something else , but on him. Never directly saying anything, but always dancing around it.

Yet again, another boy's charms worked on me, so I decided again to bite the hook. This unknowingly was the biggest mistake I would make, EVER when it came to guys, but how was I to know? He seemed gay, he was always hanging with me, this is how people meet right? I hadn't ever been in a relationship before, and he was the only second guy who seemed to like me in a "more than friends" way.
I told him over MSN how I notice him flirting with me a lot and I always reject it, but I confessed to actually liking it. He asked what I meant, and I told him that I liked him as more than friends.

This was the first guy in my life, and even to this day that I had true feelings of love for. This was no puppy love from my end, this was no crush, this was the real deal. I would stay up really late when he had a late shift, and would lie saying how I was just up really early to get things done before work. I was sick with envy when he would do something with other people that weren't me. He would fill my thoughts from the moment I woke up till the moment I slept. I was in a tranquil delirium, it was all so confusing but it was so peaceful and even the thought of hearing his voice or seeing his face was enough to make me smile for the rest of the week. Every song that played , even the ones I despised , actually started making sense because now the singer wasn't singing to some faceless person, the singer was me , singing of the one I loved, and oh how I loved him with a burning passion. I was better at my job, better at games, everything was amazing. People wouldn't say anything but gave me the "What's he so happy about?" look and it was bliss. I was in love.

So, I while I didn't tell him that, I did tell him that I was interested in him and wouldn't mind seeing him for something a bit more serious. He was dead silent, which had never happened before. He wouldn't even use the word "gay" with me, he kept using the letter S to represent gay and | for straight. He rejected me, and despite this burning passion I had for him, I actually accepted it and took it well, because I said to myself that despite the fact he's flirty, he's never actually been direct so maybe he's just a bit curious. I reasoned with myself and accepted it.

A few days later he calls me how he's terribly upset about life and everything in general. I ask him to specify, he doesn't let me know. He's just really upset. I start chipping away at him until I get him talking about what was really wrong, which was what I told him a few nights earlier. He still wouldn't and couldn't use the word gay, or even hint that he was gay, but I could tell he was very confused in a way. Since there was a lot of dancing around the subject of homosexuality with him, I eventually read out of our conversation that he wanted to be with me but at the same time he didn't want to pursue these vile satanic temptations that I am throwing out to him.
He came from a very conservative family, just as conservative as mine. Both our families would reject us but I didn't care, because I found the person I would kill another for. I found my beloved.
Through more talking, I found a window of opportunity for us to take this a bit further. We both had holidays coming up, and I told him that we should both lie to our families where we are going instead of going with our families this time, and meet up and have a week of just the two of us. No matter even if it were in another country, I would have paid. He would keep just saying "Maybe" and "I'm not sure", wheras I kept telling him "No, say definitely, because I want this to happen".

Phone call ends, I don't hear from him for a while, but my passion for him flared up further than before, while remaining nice and calm on the outside. A river that was calm on the surface but rapid underneath. Being closetted for so long makes you an amazing actor.

I don't hear from him for a while, but through other friends I heared he started drinking way more than he used to. I was at another one of my friend gatherings, and him being a part of the core, he was there too, but he started acting like a giant douchebag to me. He would start calling me out on little tiny things, tell me how everyone just sucks up to me because I had a good job and how they're not my real friends. The last straw came when he started lashing out at my friends, even the ones who introduced us. He wouldn't even let people who lived really close to him take a ride home with him, instead making people who lived on the other side of town drive to pick them up - he wouldn't say no, he'd just stare at their faces as he drove off in front of them, and just be rude and start speaking his (rather negative) mind about what he thought of people's clothes, their attitudes, their actions.

Many times I'd ask him "What's wrong", but he wouldn't bluntly say anything, only say "You know what's wrong" to which I'd always reply "No I don't, because you won't tell me", which was always met with silence and him storming off.

I told him at this point to fuck off and never join us for anything ever again so long as he keeps his disgusting attitude. I was angry at him. There was no reason for him to lash out at people who had nothing to do with me and him.



It's been 3 years or so since then, and I still think about him every day. At first it was how much I hated him. I was sick for weeks, I couldn't get out of bed, I wanted to just die because of how bad he made me felt. To make it worse, not being out of the closet yet I was unable to let people know why I'm upset and sick and depressed out of nowhere. I felt like I died on the inside, without him why should I live?
As much as I hated what he did, it didn't make me love him any less. It's just unfortunate that from my observations, he must have been gay and struggling with them, especially since for the first time in his life, someone actually admired his flirts and accepted them. Most unfortunate was the path he chose to pick with it - strong alcohol. I really hope he's not going to end up being one of those guys you hear about who come finally out in their 60s , destroying his marriage because he couldn't accept himself.


It really is annoying. Imagine a world where homophobia wasn't Taboo, and being a conservative religious person didn't mean you hated the sinner on top of his sin, maybe he would have felt it were ok for us to be together, and I could have had the most amazing life with him.


History repeated itself, I was very hurt. Not wanting to feel this pain again, especially since it was amplified tenfold this time around, I went back to the oddly comfortable closet where I've been ever since.
The story leaves me with mixed feelings. While I'm upset that I never got my guy, at least I felt something I know a lot of others have, and possibly won't feel in their lives which is a burning passionate love for another. It's the most wonderful feeling, it beats any drug and any sensation in this world, and I wish it upon everyone.

If you've read up to here, I'm not impressed, most people can read. Just kidding! I hope my life experiences didn't bore you, but showed you that you're not alone, and people around the world can be big ol' dicks.

Phew, that was a lot to get off my chest. I feel much better now, thanks!

 

[DeadRussianSpaceMonkey]

What did I do to deserve that?

Nothing, and there is no reason to run from it or feel ashamed. You started to have a crush on someone.- And there isn't anything wrong with that. It's really quite common and really quite normal.- Don't sweat it. And I don't worry so much what others might think be confident in who you are. Don't let anyone knock you down unless if your intentions are really misdirected, but this isn't the case.

What possess somebody to act that way?

He's insecure about his sexuality. If he were straight and secure enough he would be flattered and tell you that he's really not gay, and that he likes chicks. If he was straight/gay and insecure he'd freak like he did.

You should feel proud, you took a chance at something. A gamble, a lot of people are afraid to do that.- It didn't pan out, so chalk it up to experience. =) Don't look at it negatively. =)

 

[gymrat100]

Marquis, I read the whole thing. Beautiful. You write very vividly. You're stronger than me. I didn't want him to leave and I apologized to him. What does that say? It says that I asked for this and nothing to be proud of.

 

[gymrat100]

Nothing, and there is no reason to run from it or feel ashamed. You started to have a crush on someone.- And there isn't anything wrong with that. It's really quite common and really quite normal.- Don't sweat it. And I don't worry so much what others might think be confident in who you are. Don't let anyone knock you down unless if your intentions are really misdirected, but this isn't the case.


He's insecure about his sexuality. If he were straight and secure enough he would be flattered and tell you that he's really not gay, and that he likes chicks. If he was straight/gay and insecure he'd freak like he did.

You should feel proud, you took a chance at something. A gamble, a lot of people are afraid to do that.- It didn't pan out, so chalk it up to experience. =) Don't look at it negatively. =)

Except he lied, you know? He lied. He freaked out first and then he lied when I confronted him which I regret. What did I gain from that? Nothing. Not a thing. I need to choose my battles more wisely. And, he doesn't care. He bulldozed into my life, not the other way around. He pursued me and hard. He came into my life and he fucked it up and he left...and I let him. I don't feel the same. I am really trying to be who I was before him and I'm gone. And, the thing is is that guy could give a fuck less. I really needed this. I really needed this like a hole in the head. All I had was how I felt about myself. That was all that I had. I will never be like I was and that's all had going for me. All I had was my integrity and that was all that I had. I feel that bad and I can't get past it. I envy those that brush it off, but for me, this guy took whatever little I had. I can't believe I feel this awful and I know how pathetic I sound but if you knew me you would understand.

 

[AlmondMilk]

I just feel how did I get myself in this mess? I must have been very desperate.

Well, you were introduced by friends. You seemed to have hit it off. Don't blame yourself. Anyone in your position would have felt the same. I know when I met this one guy, everything seemed great. We were talking for a couple of months pretty much every day and then he stopped talking. No contact for a month or so. Then he resumed contact as if nothing wrong happened. All kinds of situations happen, but yours was way worse.

I'm just glad you're at a new gym with new friends. It's great you kept your chin up and moved on. This was a hurtful experience, but life goes on. Plus, a Telstra said, you must be pretty cute if you're a gymrat. And you also seem to have a great heart. That's a combination for a great person (whether a romantic partner or a friend). I just kept writing and I'm not sure if I'm making sense anymore... but it's good to know you're moving forward. *hugs!*

 

[gymrat100]

I have since seen him and I apologized to him for what I told him. He told me that he honestly had no idea what I was talking about. But it was I told him what caused everything changed for us. he then told me he was into women. He could not even say the word gay. He said I was a good guy and a nice guy. I feel my words meant nothing.

 

[gymrat100]

I am on an anti-depressant now. I feel even worse. I feel suicidal. This guy took everything from me. I can't get passed it. I told him that I was sorry. I hate that I did that. I told him I was wrong for what I did. That makes me feel like I have zero integrity.

 

[backpacker]

...I am really trying to be who I was before him and I'm gone. ...All I had was how I felt about myself. That was all that I had. I will never be like I was and that's all had going for me. All I had was my integrity and that was all that I had. I feel that bad and I can't get past it. I envy those that brush it off, but for me, this guy took whatever little I had. ...

This isn't about him at all. It's about how you feel about yourself. The people who can brush this off are those who are comfortable in their own skin. You are dealing with internal struggles and what he said hit a nerve. I also think you are projecting your own feelings about what he said onto your friends. I'm willing to bet that most saw through his lies. Your reaction probably had much more to do with any changes in their opinions than what he said. You need to put this behind you and move on. If you can't do that on your own, I suggest that you get some counseling. I wish you all the best.

 

[gymrat100]

Do things seem severely worse on anti-depressants? When you first start them?

 

[gymrat100]

Internal struggles as in my sexuality?

 

[backpacker]

I'm not a doctor, but my understanding is that some anti-depressants take a few weeks to build up in your system before they start working. There are many different anti-depressants and you often have to try a few to see which one is best for you. I would imagine that some could make the problem worse. If that is what you are noticing, then you should speak to your doctor.

As far as internal struggles, I think sexuality could be a part of it. I also think you are struggling with your self image and how others perceive you. I fear that you don't give yourself enough credit. You seem like a goodhearted, sensitive guy. I bet that's what people like about you. They don't expect you to be flawless and probably don't pay much attention to your flaws.

 

[gymrat100]

Thanks backpacker. My sexuality isn't a problem. The image issue seems right. I am very controlled and this I could of controlled but didn't. Thank you for the compliments. They brightened my mood.

 

[gymrat100]

Me apologizing to him has made me feel worse. Should I gave not apologized?

 

[asu1117]

Do things seem severely worse on anti-depressants? When you first start them?

Almost all anti-depressants have the minute possibility of causing suicidal feelings, if this continues you should talk to your doctor immediately and try a different medication.



On another note, a person's confidence and self esteem should be totally reliant on themselves, not the people they are involved with. Until you can learn to be happy with yourself because of who you are not because of the men you are with you are going to continue to suffer.



Best of luck.

 

[backpacker]

Me apologizing to him has made me feel worse. Should I gave not apologized?

I would view this as a learning experience. You felt the need to apologize, so it was the right thing to do for you. Since he pretended not know what you were talking about, it makes you feel worse. I seriously doubt that he doesn't recall, but rather would prefer to forget about it. From what you wrote, it sounds like he has issues of his own. Him not acknowledging what happened is his issue, not yours. Please don't let his issues bring you down.

 

[backpacker]

Thanks backpacker. My sexuality isn't a problem. The image issue seems right. I am very controlled and this I could of controlled but didn't. Thank you for the compliments. They brightened my mood.

Glad I could help. I think you have a good idea of what you need to work on. Often people can identify the problem, but don't know how to go about changing it on their own. I think counseling could be a big help.

Being in control isn't a bad thing, unless you try to control everything. There are some things that you can't control and I think this was one of them. Sure you could have kept your feelings to yourself, but that is no way to live life. You had no reason to believe that things would turn out like they did. In life we all have to take calculated risks and that's what you did here. Just like when you get in a car and drive down the road. You know you could be killed in a car accident, but the odds are very slim. You also know that it would suck to never go farther than walking distance from your house. The first thing you have to accept is that you didn't do anything wrong by telling him your feelings. Once things were out of your control, your reaction wasn't the best. That's where you need a little help. Once you get through this and learn how to deal with these situations in the future, you will look back on this and realize how much it helped you live a better life. I know that's hard to believe now, but I feel strongly that that is what will happen. I wish you all the best.