Alright I just want to give a big thank you to Anonymous for proofing this chapter for me. You really saved my neck buddy. I was freaking out about this chapter when my friend told me he wasn't going to have time to check it for me. I really appreciate your help!
Wings of A Butterfly
Chapter Nineteen:
Home Is Where You Make It
The sounds of Lucas crying softly in the darkness stirred me from my sleep. I turned my head to see him sitting up in bed with his head in his hands. I lifted my palm and pressed it gently against his bare back. He jumped a little when he realized I had heard him. I sat up beside him and put my arm around his shoulders. His eyes were red and puffy and he tried to avoid my gaze.
“What's wrong?” I whispered.
“Nothing,” he said, “Just a bad dream.”
“Luke,” I said.
“I don't want to talk about it, Aaron,” he said, “Just go back to sleep.”
“But...”
“I said I don't want to talk,” he said, this time more commanding, “Go back to sleep.”
He threw the covers off of his legs and walked out of the bedroom. I could hear the bathroom door being opened and shut aggressively down the hall. As I lay back into the pillows I drew a deep breath and tried to ignore what was bothering him. It was nearly impossible. Nothing could make Lucas lash out like that at me. I knew whatever he had dreamed, it was really bad... and it had something to do with us.
***
Lucas wasn't there when I woke up that morning. I got out of bed and went into the bathroom alone, took a shower alone, and got dressed alone. I went downstairs alone and saw him sitting at the kitchen table with his laptop in front of him. Slowly, I approached him from behind. His scent filled my nose when I was a couple feet away from him. My arms gently wrapped themselves around his shoulders. I felt him tense up a little at first but he immediately relaxed.
We sat there like that for a while, neither of us wanting to speak. I wanted so badly to ask him about what had happened last night, but I knew he would tell me when he was ready. So I waited. I waited for him to be ready and for him to speak first. Our heartbeats synced among the anticipation. The slow thumping in my chest was mirrored by the powerful and calm thumping in his.
“I'm sorry I snapped at you,” he whispered.
“It's okay,” I said.
“No it's not,” he said, “It was uncalled for.”
“It doesn't matter,” I said.
I released him and sat in the chair beside him. He took my hands in his and looked me dead in the eye. The look on his face was one I had never seen on him before. He was scared... actually, he was terrified. He was beyond the point of comfort and I knew whatever was going on in his mind, it wasn't good. Then the look I had seen several times over the past couple weeks replaced his look of absolute fear; the one that told me he had something he really wanted to tell me, but still didn't know how exactly he should say it.
I placed my hand on his cheek and smiled at him as if attempting to comfort him. He pushed his cheek into my palm and took a deep breath. We sat there for a while in another silence until we could hear the footsteps of his parents coming down the stairs. Our reluctance to release our hold on each other was painfully obvious on our faces... but moving day awaited us.
“You boys got everything packed?” Gary asked when he saw us.
“Yeah,” Lucas said softly.
“Everything okay?” Anne asked.
“Yeah we're fine,” I said matching Lucas' tone.
“Well we better get the car loaded up,” Gary said with surprising energy.
“Do you want to take any of your furniture, Lucas?” Anne asked.
“Aaron says he has a lot of stuff we would need in one of those mobile storage units. It'll be there by the time we get there,” he said.
“All we need tonight is a bed and maybe a TV,” I said.
“Well lucky you,” Gary said, “Lucas has both of those in his bedroom. C'mon son, let's go take that bed apart.”
My excitement of moving into our new apartment was only matched by the excitement of the concert two weeks later. As soon as the bed was in pieces, Lucas and Gary brought it down along with the bedside table, and Kyle carried the TV down with him. We would meet the storage unit at the apartment complex three blocks from campus at five that evening. Lucas estimated that we would be finished moving everything in by nine as long as we had help. Carly and Mike had promised to meet us down there as did Jonathan. The rest didn't have any desire to move into their dorms so early.
We threw our suitcases into the backseat and loaded everything into the car. Surprisingly everything fit into Lucas' mini SUV, but there wasn't room to lean the front seats back even a little. I promised Lucas I would drive the first shift so he could rest. I knew he hadn't come back to bed at all after his rude awakening early this morning and wouldn't let him protest. When we were strapped in and ready to go, we said our last goodbyes to
our family and took off down the California 101 highway.
As I drove with the music on low volume, I occasionally glanced at Lucas as he slept. He looked so peaceful and beautiful in his sleep. Every now and then he'd smile a little and I'd smile with him. It made me feel better that he was having a nice dream or two. But I still couldn't help but wonder what he had dreamed about the night before. Lucas doesn't cry about much, and nothing could make him snap at me the way he did.
He stirred in his sleep as we approached Greenfield. His eyes fluttered open and he looked over to me with a smile on his face.
“Hey sleepyhead,” I said.
“Hey,” he said, “Wanna switch?”
“Sure,” I said, “Gotta get gas anyway.”
I pulled off the highway in Greenfield and into the local cheap gas station next to the exit. When I got out of the car, Lucas was already coming around the front of the car to meet me. He put his arms around my waist and pressed his lips against mine. I felt his tongue pushing against my mouth so I opened to allow it to enter. My own tongue pushed past his and they danced together as I got lost in our kiss. I didn't even notice the truckers staring at us with dirty looks.
When Lucas pulled away from me he turned around and flipped them the bird with a grin. I laughed at his brazen attitude and went over to the pump. Lucas went inside to pay the cashier and I pushed the pump into the slot and started filling. I wasn't paying attention to anything in particular, but one of the truckers was approaching me. I looked over to the little shop where Lucas was chatting with the cashier. I started to panic a little when the trucker was within ten feet of me.
“Hey there,” he said.
He was a round man. He had a beard covering his bubbly face and a mustache stretching across his upper lip and down the sides of his face. He had long oily hair and an unwashed red flannel over-shirt. He had a half smoked cigarette in his mouth and a pack of cigs in his front shirt pocket. He walked closer to me when I ignored his first call.
“Didya hear me boy?” he asked, “I said 'hey' to you ya little fag.”
That one hit me deep.
“What did you just say?” Lucas yelled.
He came running up next to me and got between me and the round man.
“Oh look,” the man said, “His girlfriend came to fight fer the little fag.”
“Say 'fag' again,” Lucas said, “And you'll be sorry.”
The trucker chuckled under his breath and looked back at his friends standing next to the big rig at the air pump station. He turned back toward Lucas and looked him in the eye with a wide grin on his face. His hand went up in the air and mockingly went limp at Lucas.
“And just what do you plan to do about it faerie boy?” he said with a lisp.
Lucas grinned and turned away. The trucker laughed a loud guffaw towards his friends who were laughing like hyena's from their vantage point. I saw Lucas as he faced me with a fire in his eyes. His grin turned into a sneer as he whipped around and his fist flew into the trucker's jaw. The trucker fell flat onto the ground on his back. All the laughter stopped as Lucas looked up towards the men standing at the big rig.
“Anyone else wanna mess with the fags?” Lucas yelled.
The men scattered and went over to their own trucks. Lucas smiled and turned back toward me and put his hands on my hips again.
“What on Earth was that?” I asked.
“That was me fighting for my boy,” he said kissing me softly.
“Well yeah but you didn't need to knock his ass out,” I said.
“Okay, so I showboated a little,” he said with his toothy grin.
“A little?” I asked glancing at the man who was just pulling himself up from the ground.
“It's worth it for you,” he said.
With that, we got back into the car and Lucas drove the rest of the way back to San Luis Obispo where we would meet Carly, Mike, and Jonathan to move into our new apartment and start our new lives together.
***
So here we were. Lucas and I were standing in the small kitchen section of our new apartment. It was big enough to hold a section of counters, a stove, a dishwasher and a fridge, which were all included with the apartment. In my storage unit were all the things my mother left to me after she died. The bank foreclosed on the house and I went to live with Henry. Everything I was able to save went directly into storage. There was a nice coffee table and a crème colored loveseat for the living room and a matching one seat-er, a few lamps, a spare bed, a desk, my great grandmother's kitchen table and chairs to go with it, and a couple antique bedside tables with a matching cedar chest that my mother left me.
Carly and Mike showed up shortly after 5:30 and Jonathan was there about 10 minutes later. Lucas and Mike unpacked the car while the rest of us opened the unit and pulled everything out carefully one by one. The couple living next door to us poked their heads out and offered to help. I graciously accepted and learned their names; Jason and Haley. They were in their late twenties and were engaged to be married in August after Jason's parents were able to move to town. After about an hour we had most of the furniture moved into the apartment and Jason and Lucas were like best friends.
Haley and Carly also hit it off. Once Haley noticed Carly's engagement ring, the both of them were prattling on about wedding plans and what their kids' names were going to be. By 9, everything was inside and ready to be set up. We put the bed together first so Lucas and I would be able to sleep on something that night while Jason and Mike set up the TV Lucas brought so they could catch the end of a football game.
We left everything else where it was sitting to be put where it belonged later with the exception of our boxes of clothes which were set in the bedroom. The car was completely empty and the unit only had a few things we didn't need left inside. I would call the movers to pick it up and take it to the nearby location in case we decided we needed them someday.
And so that was that. We were essentially moved in and officially living together.
Lucas was heating up the pot roast Anne sent with us as a housewarming present while I made a pot of coffee. Carly and Mike were sitting on the loveseat while Jonathan sat on the floor with his laptop on the coffee table. Haley and Jason were cuddled on the one seat-er watching the game. I glanced up at Lucas and smiled at him when I caught his eye. He had his face over a pot of instant mashed potatoes and I chuckled when he took a whiff and smiled.
“Restaurant quality,” he said with a grin.
“I'll bet,” I said sarcastically.
He poked my side playfully and pulled the pot off the stove. I called out to everyone that the food was ready as he shut off the stove. As we sat at the table, Carly and Mike surprised me by having us join hands and have a silent prayer.
I gave thanks for my new family.
***
After everyone left, Lucas and I took a nice long hot bath together. His fingers were dancing around my arm and tracing every definition of my muscles. Every now and then he'd tickle me a little and I'd let out a soft laugh and he'd return it with a kiss on my cheek. Despite the relaxing environment, I knew something was troubling him. He had sighed about three times in the past twenty seconds and the third one was really deep and rough.
“Is everything okay?” I asked in a soft whisper.
“Yeah,” he said, “It's all good.”
“Then why do you keep sighing?”
“Oh,” he said with realization, “I didn't even notice.”
“Well I did,” I said, “Something's bugging you.”
He remained silent.
“Is it your dream?” I asked.
He didn't say anything.
“Are you ever gonna tell me about it?”
“Aaron, it's nothing,” he said.
“It certainly isn't if it's bugging you this much.”
“Aaron, just please drop it,” he said.
I could hear the pleading in his voice and decided it was best to not push it. However, I couldn't help but worry and he could sense it. He hugged me closer to him and kissed me softly as if to try and relax me. It wasn't working. It was times like these that reminded me that Lucas and I had only met a few months ago. It was almost halfway through the semester around midterms that we met thanks to the flood of students moving into the dorms after the shooting.
I guess I should put some things into context for those who don't know about the situation and clear up any confusion for those who do. Rachel Hadfield was a deeply demented girl. The article I read about her in the paper the day after her suicide said that she had several cases of drunken assault and the way she pushed guys that rejected her onto her bisexual brother could almost be classified as prostitution. Something snapped in her mind one day as she attempted to murder a young man named Josh Gordon and his roommate Cameron Davis.
However, she was unsuccessful and no one who witnessed the attempt saw her face and she tried again. This time was sloppy and unplanned and left four witnesses including Rachel's brother. The article said he tried to talk her down and convince her that she could still take it back. Unfortunately she was too far gone in her psychosis and wouldn't listen to logic so she turned the gun on herself and pulled the trigger over her heart.
This was early last year around the beginning of the Spring semester during an unseasonably warm January. The school had apparently kept the event covered up for a while with the exception of the newspaper article I read. At the time, the spotlight was shining down on a Philadelphia school where a shooting on grounds shook the internet so the shooting that happened at our school wasn't big news and the school took advantage of this to attempt to keep the story under wraps.
It was about summertime where the school's administration decided that all students were required to visit a counselor hired by the school for a psych examination to determine whether or not this was an issue they needed to be concerned with. Once this story hit the papers everyone freaked out. The media exploded with stories of a “Murder/Suicide Coverup,” and “What your child's school may be hiding from you.” The school officially released the story to the media and that's why after almost 9 months, people moved into the dorms when they felt threatened.
Why am I telling you all of this? Well I'm sure someone who knew about the shooting was probably asking themselves why if Rachel killed herself in January, everyone was freaking out during the Fall semester. So in case you were, there's your answer.
But the only reason I even still think about that is because sometimes Lucas does things that surprise me even though I claim to know him so well. That's when I thought of something. I sat up and turned to face him. I looked into his soft hazel eyes and gave a weak smile as the words poured out of my mouth without even being processed in my mind.
“One year my mom and I couldn't afford a Christmas tree,” I said, “I was about eight and we were having a lot of financial troubles and she couldn't afford to buy me a gift and a tree. So instead, she bought a large piece of cardboard and some paint supplies. When I woke up Christmas morning, I just saw this big tree shaped piece of cardboard sitting in the living room with a couple boxes under it. She poked a bunch of holes into the 'branches' and hung our ornaments through them.”
“Why are you telling me this?” he asked.
“I don't know,” I said.
“You're not trying to invoke our little deal again are you?” he asked.
“No, God no Luke,” I said, “I just kinda feel like we don't know that much about each other sometimes.”
“Oh,” he said, “Well then tell me something else.”
“Like what?” I asked.
“Tell me your favorite memory of you and your mom,” he said.
I turned back around and leaned my back into him again. His arms went around me as I took a deep breath.
“Oh that was about two years later,” I said, “The fourth grade classes were putting on a play. We voted and picked Little Red Riding Hood. We held auditions and everything and I got the part of the Big Bad Wolf. When I found out I was so excited. My mom and I stayed up all night sewing my costume together. By the time we were rehearsing, I was wearing my costume and everyone was jealous of me. I even got extra credit with my class. My costume looked magnitudes better than everyone else. After the play was over I gave my mom the biggest hug.”
“That's so adorable,” he said as he hugged me closer.
“What about you?” I asked, “What's your favorite memory?”
“Well,” he said, “I don't have very many. My parents weren't around very much when I was little.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“My dad worked a lot when I was a kid. I barely spent any time with him. There would be times when he'd go on business trips and I'd realize that my days didn't change when he left. And my mom was very active with community activities. She loved helping everyone as much as possible. I think I only saw them together about once a week for an hour.”
“Luke, that's terrible,” I said.
“Yeah but it wasn't all bad,” he said, “I had my brother.”
“Oh yeah?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said, “You know how most brothers fight and hate each other when they're little, and usually don't start to like each other until they're like 20 or something?”
“Mhm,” I said.
“Well Kyle and I never fought,” he said, “And you couldn't pay us to hate each other. We loved each other fiercely. From the day I was brought home from the hospital Kyle loved me. He was about five when I was born and he was the only person that wouldn't make me cry while holding me. I don't know what it was, but my parents say that from the day I was born Kyle was my protector. My absolute favorite memory is my first day of kindergarten. Kyle came over from the 4th grader area and played with me during recess. I don't know if he was marking his territory and sending a message for people not to mess with me, or if he really did like me that much.”
“Maybe it was both,” I said.
“I never actually thought it might be,” he said.
“I'm sure it was,” I said with a smile.
“You know, Aaron,” he said, “For what it's worth, I don't believe our pasts matter. I mean I know who we are now is a result of our pasts, but I feel like I know you no matter what happened to you before I met you.”
“That's really sweet Luke,” I said, “But I'm the kind of person that picks apart every moment and figures out how I changed from it.”
“I know,” he said, “That's part of what makes you so great Aaron.”
“I don't get it,” I said.
“Your wheels are always turning,” he said, “You're always thinking about the past and I'm always thinking about the future. You keep me grounded and remind me of our mistakes while I look forward and see what's coming ahead. You're like my rear view mirror and emergency brake.”
“I love you too,” I said with a smile.
Both of us relaxed a little as the tension between us eased. We spent the rest of our time awake in silence. By the time we were in bed, I was so tired I fell asleep the moment my head hit the pillow and Lucas' arms were around my torso. I took one deep breath and as I let it out, my mind went completely blank and the unconscious darkness swept over me.
***
It didn't last long though. I was woken by Lucas' crying again that night. Like the night before, I turned my head to see him sitting up in the darkness with his face in his hands. I sat up next to him and put my arm around his shoulders. He leaned into me and continued to cry. I didn't ask him about his dream this time; I just let him cry on my shoulder as long as he needed.
After about twenty minutes, he pushed himself away from me and threw his legs over the side of the bed. He took in several deep breaths before he spoke.
“I'm sorry, Aaron,” he said in a monotone voice.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” I asked softly.
“No,” he said bluntly.
“Okay,” I said, “Come here.”
He leaned back into me and I put my hands on his shoulders. I gently rubbed the tension out of his muscles and tried to help him relax. My hands moved from his shoulders to his back as I worked him over into a gentle calm. His breathing shortened and he relaxed under my grip. He thanked me and his head went back down to his pillow. Within a few moments he was asleep again and his tears on my shoulder were dried. It was as if they weren't there to begin with.
I tried to get back to sleep just as fast but I couldn't help but wonder what was going on with him. My thoughts were in a whirlwind for about an hour before I could get back to sleep. I didn't wake up again until the alarm went off.
***
I shut off the alarm quickly as soon as I realized it was going off. Lucas didn't stir in his sleep and I was relieved it didn't wake him. I let him sleep a little longer as I jumped out of bed and grabbed a quick piss and shower. When I was done I put my bathrobe on and went into the kitchen and opened up the boxes until I found the oatmeal box. With a pot on the stove I went to go wake Lucas, but he was already sitting at the edge of the bed when I walked in.
“Breakfast is on the stove,” I said.
“I can smell it,” he said, “Thanks.”
“It'll be ready soon so if you wanna take a shower, make it quick.”
“I will,” he said.
I knew he still wasn't over what was going on in his dreams, and I couldn't shake that feeling that made me want to pry my way into his head and figure out what he's going through. And I knew he could see that feeling in my eyes. I went back out into the kitchen to stir the oatmeal. It was already bubbling a little when I got to it. Lucas came out seconds later and went directly to the bathroom. I heard the shower turn on and I went outside to get a paper.
Jason was out there as well. He saw me coming and kept the window of the newspaper dispenser open for me to snap on off of his quarter.
“Thanks,” I said.
“No prob neighbor,” he said smiling.
I laughed a little and said, “I still can't believe the two of us are living together.”
“First time?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said, “First boyfriend.”
“Oh congrats,” he said and started to walk upstairs, “Listen, I heard some crying coming from your place last night. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah I know, I'm not sure,” I said, “He won't talk about it.”
“Well when Haley's upset,” he said, “I just rub her shoulders and kiss her neck the way she likes it and she eventually feels better.”
“Thanks for the advice,” I said, “But I think this is a little more than upset.”
“Well, let us know if you guys need anything,” he said, “Even if he just needs someone to talk to.”
“Thanks,” I said, “I really appreciate it.”
And with that we both went into our respective doors. When I walked in I saw Lucas pulling the pot of oatmeal off the stove in the kitchen to my left. He smiled weakly and pulled a couple plastic bowls from one of the boxes still sitting on the kitchen floor.
“You left it on too high,” he said, “It cooked faster than you can walk.”
“Oh sorry,” I said, “I ran into Jason downstairs and we got to talking a bit.”
“About me?” he asked.
“How did you know?” I asked.
“I can see it in your eyes,” he said, “When you said you talked to him you got this glint in your eye that you get when you talk to someone about me.”
“Oh,” I said.
“It's okay Aaron,” he said.
“No it's not,” I said, “I'm worried about you Luke.”
“Don't be,” he said.
“I have to be. You won't talk to me about what's bothering you.”
“Aaron it's not important,” he said, “I just have to work through some things.”
“But you don't have to do it alone,” I said.
“Aaron, just drop it.”
“No!”
He flinched.
“Don't push me away, Luke.”
“I'm not,” he said, “I just need to do this alone.”
“But I don't want you to. Just tell me what's bothering you. Whatever it is, we can work through it together.”
“Aaron, just drop it!” he yelled.
“Please Luke,” I said, “I wanna help.”
“Look if you drop it now,” he said, “I promise I'll tell you when we get back from the concert.”
“Fine,” I said.
We ate in silence and let each other cool off from the argument. I knew obsessing wouldn't help, so I tried to push this into the back of my mind. When I was finished, I dropped the bowl into the sink and went into the bedroom to grab my wallet and my book bag. When I went back into the kitchen, Lucas was rinsing out the bowls in the sink. He looked up to me with a questioning look on his face.
“My professors posted the assigned texts,” I said, “I was gonna go get my books for the semester. Wanna come?”
“I was gonna work on unpacking some boxes,” he said, “And I'm supposed to meet Jonathan at the gym in a few hours.”
“Oh okay,” I said.
“You can meet us there if you want,” he said.
“I think I'll pass. I'll come back and finish unpacking the boxes.”
“Okay,” he said, “Love you.”
“Love you too,” I said as I kissed him and walked out the door.
“Aaron,” he said.
I stopped and turned toward him.
“I really mean that,” he said as he walked over to me and kissed me again.
“I do too,” I said with a smile, “And nothing can change that. Not even a little argument.”
I love that Henry's back. I think he'll come round to accepting Lucas, and I doubt it'll take long. 
