With him or with her?

[baldwin]

So, basically I need your opinion and your advice. I'm 19 and I know that I'm gay since I don't know when. I live in a place where culture and tradition is a pretty strong rule. My family is one religious family and I don't think my parent will ever accept my condition of being gay. That's fine, If I can, I'll never tell them, cause I just don't want to make them sad or shock. I love them, and I don't need to get them hurt.

I haven been out and I'm planning to do it to some people close to me, my older sister and couple of my friends.

Before doing it, I have couple things that I need to consider.
1. I really really want to have my own baby that is not from adoption.
2. Once I came out, I can't go marry a woman for those who are close to me, especially my sister, will never let me do such thing like marrying someone only to get the baby. Oh fyi, we don't have seks just because if we want to, we have to be married first.

So, there is this option I have to choose:
a. stay in the closet forever and marry a woman, have a living like any other people. Though I won't be happy, at least my parents won't hurt. And I can still have a boy to continue the name of my family (I'm the only boy in the family).
b. get out from the closet, ignore everything that might happen because of it, and I'll live a happy gay life.
c. Or maybe you have another option?

Ok, thanks... your opinion and suggestion are really well appreciated....

 

[cardshark]

I think you can have both: a fulfilling gay relationship and a child to continue the family name. Why not consider a surrogate? (Just in case - a surrogate is a woman who bears a child for a couple where they are unable to do so; a surrogate mother is artificially inseminated with the father's semen).

If you are concerned about a surrogate because, for religious or other reasons, you cannot have sex with a woman outside of marriage, there is no sex involved with most surrogates. The surrogate is artificially inseminated, so all they need is your sperm, from when you masturbate.

I would not come out to your parents just yet. You may decide never to come out to them, and I think that is perfectly acceptable. But you need to live your life for yourself - not your parents. Your happiness matters, and I believe most parents want their children to be happy above all else. I know religion makes all this cloudy, but don't fall prey to other people's interpretation of what is right is and what is wrong - you may find peace with being gay and religious. Best of luck!

 

[baldwin]

Thanks cardshark,
Uhmmm.... yes I have heard about the surrogate. But I don't think that is possible in this country. I live in Indonesia where most of the people here are muslim, in fact, I'm a muslim too (but traditionally, I just haven't start the searching).

Well, it's really such dilemma for me. I am planning to live abroad where gay life is more appreciated and not too many people in your neighborhood wants to know about your life. But I really want to stay in the country and if I could (I wish I could), in the future I want to help fixing the chaotic system today and make some innovation here. I know I can do that from abroad, but I just love my country very much...

cardshark, thanks again...

 

[cardshark]

Thanks cardshark,
Uhmmm.... yes I have heard about the surrogate. But I don't think that is possible in this country. I live in Indonesia where most of the people here are muslim, in fact, I'm a muslim too (but traditionally, I just haven't start the searching).

Well, it's really such dilemma for me. I am planning to live abroad where gay life is more appreciated and not too many people in your neighborhood wants to know about your life. But I really want to stay in the country and if I could (I wish I could), in the future I want to help fixing the chaotic system today and make some innovation here. I know I can do that from abroad, but I just love my country very much...

cardshark, thanks again...

I don't think you should rule out a surrogate. I understand it may be hard to find one in Indonesia, but for the right price, I am sure you could do it. These can be very private deals, between you, your partner (if applicable), and the surrogate. I believe the hardest part would be explaining the child to your family and friends afterwards...

But this is just one of many options you can consider! People will soon post with more things for you to consider.

I understand that things may be easier if you moved. I can't say if this is the right solution, only you can make that decision. You don't have to say goodbye to your country forever, you always have to option to go back and visit. Or even maybe one day, moving your parents from Indonesia to your new country. There are so many possibilities, please don't feel trapped.

I should say though, if you are seriously considering emigrating, you must start the paperwork immeadiately. The immigration process can take years and it is best start now even if you are not 100% sure you want to go this route (you can always cancel it later).

 

[baldwin]

Uhm... yeah, I was just exploring the option of doing surrogate...

I'll take that and million thanks....

I'd really like to know what others do, gay and wants to have kids...

 

[rareboy]

Unfortunately you pose the impossible conundrum.

You want to be out but don't want to be out.

You want to leave Indonesia but you don't want to leave Indonesia.

There is no magic answer. Eventually, you need to choose a path. The path that is right for you and not for your family or your neighbours or your country...unless you plan on sacrificing yourself and your happiness to serve everyone but yourself.

In which case, your reward may be great, but it requires the selflessness of a Sufi or a saint.

The only other option I can think of is to look for a lesbian woman in Indonesia who also wants to have a child and can live within a relationship that allows each of you to then be gay while sharing the responsibilities of raising a child.

But hang on here bud.

What makes you think the first four children you have won't be female?

If you just want to be a sperm donor in order to satisfy your own selfish pride, then you aren't ready to be a father at all.

Remember, in the end, all is dust. Whether your line continues for one or one hundred generations is of no importance to the earth.

 

[baldwin]

Move to Jakarta or Bali. I've run across lots of gay Indonesian men in both of those places.

I know those kind of life in Jakarta and Bali, but no thanks...

I don't really want to have 'fun' with lots of gay guys. I don't think I'm into such relationship. I'm looking for long-term relationship. But, really, thanks for your advice...

Unfortunately you pose the impossible conundrum.

You want to be out but don't want to be out.

You want to leave Indonesia but you don't want to leave Indonesia.

There is no magic answer. Eventually, you need to choose a path. The path that is right for you and not for your family or your neighbours or your country...unless you plan on sacrificing yourself and your happiness to serve everyone but yourself.

In which case, your reward may be great, but it requires the selflessness of a Sufi or a saint.

The only other option I can think of is to look for a lesbian woman in Indonesia who also wants to have a child and can live within a relationship that allows each of you to then be gay while sharing the responsibilities of raising a child.

But hang on here bud.

What makes you think the first four children you have won't be female?

If you just want to be a sperm donor in order to satisfy your own selfish pride, then you aren't ready to be a father at all.

Remember, in the end, all is dust. Whether your line continues for one or one hundred generations is of no importance to the earth.

Yes, I really need to choose. Which is the best for me. That's why I post this thread...

I'm very confused. I don't know, maybe I'm just too young.

Being a father to me, I guess this is something related with me being a gay needs the figure of a fatherly person near me. It's like I want to do for what my father has never did to me. Or do I really need to have a son?

I don't know. You know such response to gay people like, "does it mean that you're not going to marry a woman?" That's kind of a narrow options available for me.

Guess I'm just too young and I don't know where I'm heading to.

and thanks a lot rareboy, you gave me lots of new perspectives....

 

[baldwin]

Uhm.... well, I know Bali and Jakarta...
How those cities can drive people into some craziness... And yeah, what I'm thinking about is not to be in a community of gays. No, my friend.

I'm fine with gay friends, but I don't think I like the idea of group of gays. Well, I hope you can see the different and sorry if you find different perception that may have offend you. I know, I really have a bad english...

What I was talking about, replying your previous post about moving to Jakarta and Bali was about the society, right? I meant, they don't really care about your sexual orientation or else. That was what I meant about such kind of life in those cities. I need a place where the neighbors can accept you into the daily activities whatever your sexual orientation are. Hope that explains...



And about having a son, do you have any other reason why man wants to have son? Else than, to continue the line and make a better generation from what you've experienced.

I guess men become daddies are mostly from their experiences too...?