Wonderful man, but.........

[MasonJay]

I am with a wonderful man that I really want to be with forever, but (of course there is a "but" otherwise, why would I be writing for advise...lol) we are and always were two very different people sexually. I am very sexually charged and like quite a bit of alternative stuff, and he is the strictly-vanilla I-just-want-to-be-near-you type. And that is the thing; I am rather clingy myself (at least I can admit it) and love that he always want to be with me, but I would like more sexual intimacy, with or without the kink. .

I want to be monogamous and have been. I actually haven't really thought about cheating on him except for the fact that he often "jokingly" accuses me of it. His past is that of always having been cheated on, so I get his reason for the "joke", but I don't like it. I feel like I am being accused of cheating when I haven't. Don't get me wrong, I talk to other guys about all kinds of things including sex, and we are both open to each other about who we talk to and how the conversation went.

We have talked about these concerns of mine, but nothing has changed. I do love him dearly and don't want to trade him for anything. I really think he is my 80% (I hope someone else knows about the 80-20 rule...lol). He provides for me everything else I want in a partner...

Enough rambling...I don't think I have asked a specific question, but if you have taken the time to read this, what do you think? How would you proceed?

 

[alexander IV]

"Love takes off masks that we fear that we cannot live without and know that we cannot live within" James Baldwin. So MasonJay you are facing the age old conundrum of 'unquestioning' love. You indicate that you've found the perfect life partner, well then be happy with it! So many seek but never find what you have. Don't add to the ' it's all about me' in your relationship. Life has enough drama already without bringing more into your life. Accept him for all of his pluses and minuses as he has accepted you. Since you both seem to be able to freely communicate with each other, continue, in a loving and caring way to let him continue to know of your feelings. " Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced"

Hopefully my Dear Abby comments make sense. I'm a happily unattached gay male. But in a certain sense I envy you and what you've found, very much.
________________________________________________

Life's not worth a damn, 'till you can shout out loud, I am what I am.

 

[Rolyo85]

I think the only way to ever deal with an issue such as this is to tell it to somebody else - as you're doing now - then look at what you just said and say the exact same thing to him. It is surprising how many problems could be resolved by telling the concerned party what you tell somebody else instead.

That said, you mention you have talked about this. Well, I am also a firm believer in finding the right words. Sometimes a person will accept or reject the same thing based entirely on the specific wording. Try to find the words to express how much he is ENOUGH for you even if he isn't into kink, but also find the words to communicate to him that sometimes you do need more sex-wise. More from, not more than him.

In the end, you say he is your 80%. If you are his 80%, then he should be willing to work for it as you seem to be, no?

 

[Seasoned]

I think what you are describing is fairly common and there are two ways to get your point across. The obvious one is to talk about it, but that can be problematic if your partner has hang ups or isn't yet comfortable talking about sex when not being sexual. The second is to show him. While have sex, get him craving you by being sensuous, whisper naughty things and tease him to new heights of being turned on. In other words you push the envelope safely and in a non-threatening manner.

Role play is a great way to get what you want as he'd be able if he needed to to separate himself from his actions. It would also be a good way to deal with his playful accusations.

I'm going to pm you with a little kink tip. Not everyone would expect to read it here.

This is a quite solvable problem and you are correct in wanting it solved before it causes problems.

 

[bankside]

I was talking about this kind of issue with my boyfriend. I enjoy love and lust together with him but my instincts are very "vanilla." As long as we're together and enjoying ourselves physically and emotionally, I'm happy. It sounds "basic" and "uncomplicated," which to some people maybe sounds "boring" or "not connected."

To me the simplicity of my tastes is not shallow or boring, it's actually fundamental, instinctive, and profound, without all the silly distractions. It's like "Quit fucking around with all this extra fetish bullshit and let's just fuck. Yeah, just like the last time, last time was fucking awesome, I remember the look on your face. That's where all of this is headed anyway so let's skip the act and get to it."

That's probably not exactly how I feel once I read my own words, but it's not that far off.

So of course the way fate works, my guy is different. He has always been more interested in role playing and "tie me to the bed" light bondage, and games of submission, and crazy toys...some of the leather stuff...and even maybe heavier kink like fisting and all kinds of other fantasies.

It has taken him a long time to open up to me about those things, because I think it takes some balls to talk about it anyway, but also because he knows my tastes.

On a physical level, sex for me is about the actual pleasurable sensations, nothing much more. On an emotional level, I want it to be with the guy I love, nothing less. But knowing how his mind works and figuring out what turns him on is very intriguing to me and highly sexual, which is my own kink. None of those fantasies of his turn me on directly. They're okay, but they don't seem necessary, if that makes any sense. But for some reason it turns me on to see what turns him on...knowing they are his fantasies and what he gets up to in his mind is erotic. And since it's nothing insane or harmful, I want to be a part of it.

It probably took 12 years to really put things on the table. I think he was worried that maybe he was "too out there" and I was worried that maybe I was unoriginal whenever the subject (sort of) came up. There's no reason to wait that long. Because as he learned, I'm quite happy to fuck him in the sling I bought wearing the hockey equipment if I know he's been gagging to try something like that. You've never seen a guy so happy as when he was drilling 2-inch eye hooks into the basement ceiling rafters with a giant hard-on in his jeans and a grin on his face, installing his new present. I couldn't help but be turned on by his enthusiasm.

And as I have learned vanilla is its own kind of kink worth being equally proud of. I still enjoy an intense standard-order fuck or a sensual right-off-the-shelf lovemaking session. But I'm willing to go with the flow and realize that his fantasies do not replace our usual connection or undermine it, they just add to it. What's different is I know it's true in his mind as well as mine. And he has listened too. Versatility is a core part of my being, and I would not be compatible with someone who couldn't understand that. He's learned the joy of the flip-fuck, and he's learned to let go and enjoy some of his fantasies from either a dominant or submissive point of view, which is a kind of balance I need for my sexual fulfilment. (and he's also gotten over fears about hurting me with his size when he's on top which was part of the issue when we first met, but that's been good for several years now) Between the two of us he will probably always take the lead in finding the kinkier things in life, but I enjoy being a good sport about it and giving it a try, and he's happy to do that as long as I'm willing to give a fair shot to whatever he has in mind. It's been a welcome shake-up and we're both enjoying it.

 

[hotatlboi]

Relationships take two to work.

You have to be willing to try what we wants and he some of what you want.

If you both love each other, you both would be willing to do this I think.

If it's only one person making the effort to please the other, it usually doesn't work out.

 

[Spiff]

I don't know what the problem is. You say you are very happy, and I assume he is also. If you seek perfection in a relationship, then you may never be really happy. I imagine many gay people would envy what you already have. If you learn to appreciate your differences, it will be easier to communicate which can only lead to good things.

 

[thephoenix]

Differences can bring you together or drive you apart. For me, the right partner will show me the world. New perspectives and new pleasures. And I will do the same for him. For that to happen, an open mind and trust must exist on both sides. That and communication. Too many people expect that because they're dating someone there must be a telepathic link or something.

I don't think examining your relationship equates looking for problems or inviting "drama." The fact is, these things will exist whether you acknowledge them or not. If you acknowledge them, you have a chance to avoid bigger problems. Just "going with it" will most assuredly guarantee you problems in the future.

We take our intuitions for granted. I think yours is working for you right now. Your use of quotations around "joke" and "jokingly" says you don't think that it is a joke. And that's most likely because it's not. There's nothing funny about accusing someone you love of cheating. It sounds to me like it's a very real concern for him and he frames it as joking to bring the issue up while protecting himself hiding behind the "humor."

I think your real problem is this, not the fact that you are different in respect to your sexual behavior. While it has the potential to develop into a bigger problem, it doesn't sound like it's quite there yet.

You feel like you're being accused of cheating because you are - in a round about way. I think it's significant that you say you've talked about your concerns and nothing has changed. You should explore with him why that is.

 

[MasonJay]

So I had a talk with my partner about many of the things I felt appropriate from what so many of you guys said (much of which I thought was really great advice or was just thought-provoking). We had a good conversation and he saw my points and I was able to see his. I love him dearly, but then just the other day he decided to tell me to think about opening the relationship for my sake. We have been talking about it for a few days now and I am really thinking I would like to do it, but I also don't want to do anything to hurt him...

I am at a loss here. I never even hinted at opening things up, because I have never really wanted it, but then having it presented to me has really made me start to think about...........

 

[TX-Beau]

Do not ever get into an open relationship as appeasement for one party. It has to be something you both want to do, otherwise you're going to run into all kinds of issues.

If he wants to do it, and you want to do it fine - but if the only reason he's doing it is because he thinks you do, that's trouble.

A lot of guys think they can handle it, but then can't, there's a big difference between thinking about it, and actually knowing your boyfriend is across town in Bankside's sling being gang fucked by 20 biker dudes.

Extreme example ok, but you see the point. Before you try jumping into an open relationship, you might try a threesome or something where you are both together and see how you feel about the reality of extra partners with their cocks your mouth.

 

[MasonJay]

Thanks TX-Beau for your input. You have made some very good points, even in your extreme example...lol

We have talked about threesomes before, but he has never had a good experience with them (we have not had one together, only in other relationships). I have done threesomes with previous partners and I had no issue watching another man's cock slide in and out of my partner's ass. I actually like watching and then sliding in after the other guy My current partner says that he would like to eventually watch me and another man, since he has always liked to do that.

He originally brought up opening the relationship as something that I would only do, but I brought it up to him. I proposed that since he wants to rediscover the sexual side of himself, that maybe he should think about finding someone to help him in that regard. I have tried, and i love having sex with him, and he says he loves sex with me
(he's a crier when he comes hard;TMI, I'm sure), but in all of his relationships, he has always been left for the lack of sexual activity. I don't want to leave him, because he is everything else that I am looking for. I want him to be happy and he wants me to be happy, which is why he made this proposal...

 

[maxpowr9]

So I had a talk with my partner about many of the things I felt appropriate from what so many of you guys said (much of which I thought was really great advice or was just thought-provoking). We had a good conversation and he saw my points and I was able to see his. I love him dearly, but then just the other day he decided to tell me to think about opening the relationship for my sake. We have been talking about it for a few days now and I am really thinking I would like to do it, but I also don't want to do anything to hurt him...

I am at a loss here. I never even hinted at opening things up, because I have never really wanted it, but then having it presented to me has really made me start to think about...........

First, since this hasn't been mentioned at all in this topic but how long have you two been together?

That underlined part is what scares me. It almost sounds like he's baiting you by being passive-aggressive which is obvious from the joking on cheating. I've been down that road of doing something for my partner's sake and it causes a lot of animosity when you cave in. I know that because that is what tore my ex-now-current BF apart first. We wanted each other to be so happy that we would make ourselves miserable to be together. I froze my ass off in the cold going to Patriots games and he slept through symphonies for me. Now we do those things with other friends and only share in interests that we both like.

At least in your case, sex is a much tougher thing to discuss. If your BF finds "cheating" or having sex with someone else a big no-no, then you respect his wishes. You may just have to learn to appreciate the sex with your BF when you both want to do it. My BF and me both have pretty low sex drives so it works out for the both of us in that regard.

 

[MasonJay]

To answer Maxpowr9's question, have been together 1 year, 6 months and 14 days...lol and I am looking forward to that number only getting bigger.