Wondering if I should end friendship -Advice?

[thephoenix]

Hey guys,

Something has been bothering me and I needed to reach out and see if anyone has any advice.

My best friend and I have been best friends for over ten years, we've had our falling outs and we always come back to one another. In another time and place we'd probably be in a relationship - (side note - he's told me he's a struggling bisexual while saying he' straight and I am gay while neither of us is out).

His girlfriend and now wife has never been comfortable with he and I being friends and close. Which hurts my feelings because I've known her longer than him. She knows that I am gay and in general is "okay" with it and I've made it implicitly clear that there is nothing romantic going on to which she replied she knew that.

She does not know about his attraction to men at least from what he says. She tends to be a jealous person and always has been when it comes to him, but they had problems and she ended up cheating and they divorced.

After the divorce, he and I had a night together, something he admitted he had thought about before. Things were weird between us for a time, but then we were fine and we both made it clear that our friendship was much more important and he said I was more important to him than to lose me if we crossed that line again and it didn't work. And we agreed and our friendship resumed our close brotherly friendship. They later remarried and had a child.

Only now, when I call to talk he won't answer if she's around. He calls when she isn't. He's stopped inviting me over to hang out like we used to. And he isn't as open with me as before.

We had a rare close conversation recently where he told me that I was the only one he could be himself around and show his weaknesses. He didn't feel the overwhelming pressure to be perfect with me and he was having marriage trouble because they had nothing in common. But he also told me that why he doesn't answer my phone calls or invite me over or accept my invitations for them to hang out is because his wife is uncomfortable with our relationship and that she has always had issues with my being his friend. It saves him grief from her to ignore me if she is around.

I responded with how I saw it which is "I was here first and I don't disrespect her or her marriage" and he said that she was his wife and made commitments to her. Which I understand and would never interfere with that.

I feel like a second rate person and if she has such a problem with me, then I was thinking of just terminating the friendship because I don't want to be the cause of marital strife, especially with a child involved. It breaks my heart to do that, but I feel like crap and like I have to sneak around to continue my friendship.

What do you guys think? Make sacrifices (as part of friendship) and put up with the status quo or end the friendship. I want him to be happy even though each situation hurts me.

 

[Horschallen]

Don't end it. Just move on. Who knows maybe in the future circumstances change for the better. Maybe they both end up realizing they have problems that do not revolve around or involve you.

 

[G-Lexington]

Seconded. Friendships can drift in and out, and it would appear that right now, it's too tough to force the friendship along. Just let them be for now, focus on your other friends, feel free to maintain contact via online/phone, and see if things change.

Lex

 

[hotb0d]

you should demand some respect. I mean he's a guy, tell him to be a man and tell his wife to back off. There's no reason for you guys to just break off your long term friendship. As long as you can keep it as a friendship level then I think everything should be okay.

 

[KaraBulut]

He's someone's husband and he has a child.

You're not his first priority. Nor should you be.

Is your friend pussy whipped? Yes.

Is he trying to have his cake and eat it too? Yes.

If you step back for a moment, you're very much like the wife in that you're forcing him to make a choice between his best friend and his family. That's not a fair choice.

Either you accept things like they are or you put some distance between you and your friend.

And either way, it's time that you moved on and focused on your own life and find your own marriage and family.

 

[Lube]

Wow, is he ever a gay guy trying to fit into a false heterosexual life: Married, divorced, then having a kid on top of it.

And look at how (pussywhipped and) unhappy he is.

[aside:]
To all the guys here thinking about repressing your gay side and marrying a woman to have children, look at how crappy this guy's life is!
[ /aside]

He's going to get divorced again. He is unspeakably unhappy if he calls you on the sly; she must bitch and complain all the time. And she surely knows about his gay side, otherwise she wouldn't be defensive. ( But why does she put up with it through marriage, divorce, and remarriage? Does she have her own issues? Does she seem at all lesbianic?)

The fact that he calls when she's not around means that he really likes you a lot. Something may happen, but you need to let him deal with his upcoming divorce. Make it clear to him that nothing happens unless he files for divorce first.

And then move on. Because it may take him months or years to file. And you don't want to get involved when he's married.

Good luck.

 

[rareboy]

I don't see any reason why you should need to be there for him right now.

Like all the others, I think you just need to stay out of the way, stop giving ultimatums and let him and his wife sort their own lives out.

Having said that, you are a fool if you let him have a friendship only on his terms. The word for that is doormat.

So, only make time to talk to him when it doesn't interfere with your time and life.

Make it abundantly clear that you are doing things with other people and that you don't just live to gather the crumbs off his meager emotional table.

Someday, if he gets his shit sorted out the two of you might become close again, but I'm thinking from my own past experience that this isn't likely. He's made these choices and the consequences are his, they shouldn't be yours.