Words said in anger

[Vitamin]

Are people more likely to say things they don't mean or do they more frequently express how they really feel when they're angry?

I was raised to believe the former, my bf thinks it's the latter. What say you all?

 

[borg69unimatrix]

Maybe a little of both. Depends on the situation, the amount of anger, and how badly I want to go for the jugular.

Sometimes it's a matter of, I'm being civil and overlooking X,Y,Z "flaws" on you even though I find them irritating.

You start nit-picking me about my flaws, and I'll get defensive and start listing out yours too.

It's how I really feel... but most of the time I don't mean it... IF that makes sense.

 

[nycguydowntown]

I think it's always better to watch what you say--in a relationship or in politics---words have meaning and and saying certain things can take a long time to recover from---better to walk away ---cool down--and give yourself a time out.

 

[QueenxElsa]

It is common to over extraite when angry.

 

[MakeDigitalLove]

When it comes to degatory terms or racist remarks I always have a hard time believing the person only said it out of anger.

 

[geloge]

it depends on the person and the situation. Some people just will say anything mean to hurt someone feelings and some others will say all the shit they have been hiding.

 

[eastofeden]

I call it layers of the truth.

I work hard on trying to say what I have to say in the nicest way possible but in the case where there is no anger...I will tell someone the bottom line truth if I really like them and I think they need to hear it...it might sound like I am being mean to other people but sometimes the nicest thing I can do for someone else is to "go there" and be the bad guy if need be.

In an anger situation...I might do the same thing but it would be for someone who I don't like very much and I already know it won't matter if I tell them the bottom line truth but it will sometimes slip out if I am angry.

In both cases I mean what I said but in the last case I probably would have never said it unless I was angry. I don't like trying to teach pigs how to sing......it is a waste of time and annoys the pig.

 

[medic1]

Maybe a little of both. Depends on the situation, the amount of anger, and how badly I want to go for the jugular.

Sometimes it's a matter of, I'm being civil and overlooking X,Y,Z "flaws" on you even though I find them irritating.

You start nit-picking me about my flaws, and I'll get defensive and start listing out yours too.

It's how I really feel... but most of the time I don't mean it... IF that makes sense.

^^ Just this, exactly.

 

[Adrock-JD]

In anger we reach for words we know will hurt. They're like ammunition and if angry we want the biggest bullets we can find.

There are many reasons we know those words will hurt a certain person.

It doesn't necessarily mean you're racist or homophobic for using them. Just angry and short of physical violence words are the next best thing.

 

[sidekick1914]

I think it's very important be very cautons about what you say when you are angry and venting. What you say can be very hurtful and you may not mean it. Not matter how much and sincerely you apoligize and your "victim" accepts your apology, what's been said has been said, and you can't un-ring a bell.

 

[xbuzzerx]

Um, I'm not clear how angrily using racial slurs or homophobic slurs would mean anything but racism and homophobia. Can you explain?

Is it like saying, "you STUPID BITCH" but really respecting women? Something seems amiss.

Whether or not one means the object of scorn is a bitch, faggot, kike, or whatever, using them is inherently sexist/racist/whatever. No? The words were used to connote negativity, therefore displayed negative attitude towards the words themselves.

I've called many people assholes when I was really angry even when I knew, even at the moment I said it, that in any rational moment, they're not really an asshole.

It's no different.

 

[xbuzzerx]

To the contrary, "asshole" is used universally as an epithet. The other terms in my examples can only be epithets if the utterer believes women are bitches, Jews are kikes, and gays are faggots.

They convey disdain in the very name.

The fact that "asshole" is uttered in anger means indeed that the speaker meant the word when uttered, regardless of the recantation in cooler times.

I think racists and homophobes and similar will fairly consistently leap to those kinds of words and slurs and attacks when provoked or angry, yes.

I also think people who do not fit that category will use some of those same words if angry enough or if they believe it will hurt.

That doesn't make it okay, but no, not every single person who's ever used any of these words in anger is a closeted Stormfront.org newsletter recipient or neonazi sympathizer.

I also think "asshole" is only not thought of as a slur because it's used overwhelmingly about men, not women, and men hold the more dominant position in our society. If "asshole" was exclusively applied to lesbians or dark skinned immigrants it would be a slur. Ultimately what a racial or other slur is invoking is a widely held belief that someone is less because they are an x. That's why it's offensive.

 

[MakeDigitalLove]

I have recently dealt with someone in a game where this guy who used racial slurs out in anger against a friend and apparently he was having a "rough time in his life." But then I see him saying racist shit to someone else. Then he finds out that I am gay and starts making homophobic remarks towards me on a constant basis.

Of course this is one case and doesn't speak for everyone, but I really don't find there is any good reason to use these words in any context. Even in anger, there are plenty of other profanities to use on the list.

 

[xbuzzerx]

I have recently dealt with someone in a game where this guy who used racial slurs out in anger against a friend and apparently he was having a "rough time in his life." But then I see him saying racist shit to someone else. Then he finds out that I am gay and starts making homophobic remarks towards me on a constant basis.

Of course this is one case and doesn't speak for everyone, but I really don't find there is any good reason to use these words in any context. Even in anger, there are plenty of other profanities to use on the list.

I think this person qualifies a lot less as someone who just got really angry and said something he really regretted--- he sounds more like a stereotypical bigoted ignorant little privileged middle class gamer churl protected by anonymity that you run into all over the gamer world.

 

[xbuzzerx]

For many of us, they "fit the category" because they use the racist and homophobic slurs. We don't carry around our x-ray specs that enable us to say, "he is actually cool, just lost it for a moment."

It's not cool to use racist slurs, or homophobic, or call people "retards." Those who do so, justly are condemned. They may do plenty otherwise to promote harmony, but that doesn't given them a free pass to be part-time sexists, etc.

I'm not so worried that the branding iron is going to be misapplied.

Paula Deen said a racist thing and was roasted for it. Madonna says a racist thing and is given a pass because she has cool points. That's bogus.

Of course it's not cool. Is it any more cool to call somebody an asshole or a motherfucker?

I agree with condemning use of these words. What I disagreed with was ascribing to someone a summary judgment of their whole worldview based on parsing out one word they used when angry.

 

[xbuzzerx]

Yea, but we don't have labels so we can condemn the trashmouth who says asshole or motherfucker, but we are ready with get-out-of-jail-free card for buds who use racist slurs but "aren't really racist." It is a real double-standard.

I condemn someone much more heavily for injustices they support, advocate, defend or rationalize out in the real world that affect real people than I condemn them for a tight little ruleset surrounding what words they have ever used in any context in their lifetime. I don't care how well-guarded someone's tongue is or how polite their speech if they support actually racist or prejudicial practices or laws or policies out in the real world.

 

[xbuzzerx]

Yet we scorn verbal bullying of gays all the time. The words are the thing. Somehow, it seems like equivocation to give a pass to those who willingly promote the culture of disparaging minorities, gays, women, or whomever. They are just words. Not.

Dismissing it as little or polite is subjective.

The whole premise of the thread is whether truth or not is being revealed by angry words. After all the back and forth, you are ultimately arguing that words don't reveal true thoughts, and I am arguing that they do, even if they are checked most of the time and even if they aren't necessarily born out by the speaker's actions. But, in a forum where secret sin of political correctness is often ferreted out and flogged, it seems duplicitous to argue suddenly that some racist thoughts don't really matter. And, it is even worse to argue that the words are really meaningless by third party divination.

You left out the condition of the OP, "said in anger." I take that generally to mean a heated or lost-tempers disagreement between two people who know each other to some degree. I don't take it to mean the bullying of people you don't know based on phenotypic qualities or sexuality or national origin- that behavior already reveals someone's prejudice.

To which I return to what I said before: in heated enough fights I have called friends assholes, even when I knew at the moment I said it that I didn't really think they were an asshole.

We are not discussing whether or not these words have negative impact. We're discussing whether or not you can accurately photograph someone's entire internal mental topography from something they do when they're angry. My answer is no, you can't.

 

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[MakeDigitalLove]

I wouldn't say someone who is using a racial slur or a homophobic comment made in anger is either a full blown racist of or a full blown homophobe(depending on what was said), but to me it would mean they are racist/homophobic in some way. Regardless of those terms, I have felt that a lot of people say in anger does lend some truth about how they feel. People have a tendency to release built up emotions when having an outburst.

 

[xbuzzerx]

I wouldn't say someone who is using a racial slur or a homophobic comment made in anger is either a full blown racist of or a full blown homophobe(depending on what was said), but to me it would mean they are racist/homophobic in some way. Regardless of those terms, I have felt that a lot of people say in anger does lend some truth about how they feel. People have a tendency to release built up emotions when having an outburst.

I think when you see people angry you are generally seeing them at their worst. I think holding anything they've ever said or mis-said at a bad moment against them in a purity test implies somewhat that the person doing the judging believes they would always pass such a purity test. Just as one example-- plenty of gay men who utterly condemn homophobic behaviors show some degree of unawareness of their own misogyny in topics pertaining to females or heterosexuals.

I think you're right that everyone has some prejudices no matter how much they tamp them down or control them. What I had meant up above in my response Deja quoted was that if someone angry refers to their girlfriend as "being a bitch" or whatever else, I'm certainly not going to hold that against someone and judge them as some kind of secret woman-oppressor compared to someone who would go out and actively defend paying women less in the workplace or opposing sexual harassment laws or whatever else. In that sense, yeah, someone ever referring to a woman as a bitch is beyond small potatoes compared to someone actively promoting bigoted practice in a way that impacts people beyond the sting of a word.